Thursday, December 20, 2012
And then Simifultz says to Porlington....
Benjamin's TwitTheater project never really got off the ground because it's devilishly hard to write a play with 140 characters.
Goin' where the weather suits my talents....
Norbert had decided to move to Florida, where he hoped to find work reading palms.
That's a good bear....
And what does a polite bear do after he's got something to eat? Does he share a bit in the woods?
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Readerschnitzel.
Rip pages carefully from spine. Coat both sides w/beaten egg, flip once on breadcrumb plate. Deep fry till golden, place on absorbent paper.
Friday, December 14, 2012
G'head, take another shot...
Ringwald had risen to a certain level of authority in the company simply because each time he tried to shoot himself in the foot, he missed.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Oops, another one got away...
In his later years, the Lone Ranger was fond of crying, "Hi-ho silverfish!" as he turned on the bathroom light.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The wonders of nature...
If it’s a legitimate homicide, the human body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down and prevent death.
Hardy har.
"Well what'd'ya hafta get so scared for?" whined the hallucination, "I'm not even real, ya know."
Monday, December 10, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Enough already...
Why is our universe so exhaustingly tuned to create the conditions necessary for life?
My Word!
Richard got worried when people at the office started calling him "Microsoft" after his date with Eileen.
Friday, December 7, 2012
He did seem a bit fuzzy...
Ginger was beginning to suspect her "boyfriend" might actually be a compression artifact.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Touchy guy!
Ricardo pointed the hairdryer at the jack-o-lantern's head and threatened to blow its candle out if it didn't stop grinning at him like that.
Elephant's Gerald?
Mama, just killed a man / Wrapped my trunk around his head / Shook him lifeless, now he's dead
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Unformation....
Halloran gave us his phone number, then explained why that had to be his phone number and how it couldn't be any other way.
We're not just here for fun and games...
Marjory had the baby sitter prepare a 5 minute powerpoint for when she got home, outlining the goals of the evening & how they had been met.
Bad day?
"Because I want to be thrown away," he replied simply, "that is why I'm standing in this garbage can."
Aww, he's starting to fit in....
That winter, Crumple learned that the Hugtops had nicknamed him "Gargles With Neutrons".
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
I can't change the laws of physics, Jim!!
Former human seeks long term relationship with abstract concept. Laws of physics need not apply.
A personal best...
And just when I thought I couldn't possibly get any more depressed, I found a way to dig deeper and go beyond my limitations.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Kids nowadays...!
"What do you think would happen if nobody ever did their algebra homework? Do the math!"
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Take me out to the ball game...
Above the spectators' heads, flocks of baseball bats chased flies through the floodlights over the bleachers.
Friday, November 30, 2012
And a-one, and a-two, and a-....
Each morning, Wally would put on his earbuds and bike up the strand to buy croissants.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
'Twas music to his ears...
That morning, Ricardo told us he'd heard a car horn that sounded exactly like his wife yawning.
What's confusin' you is the nature of my game...
In hell, things remain upside down no matter how many times you turn them over.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The path to enheaviment....
Thereupon the bathroom scales fell from my eyes as I found myself entering the way of the Bodyfatva.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Hmm, better get to a dentist...
Hah! I aint scared o' no sharp cookie! I cut my teeth on sharp cookies!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Only so much a man can take...er, pig.
"The corn is rancid!" announced Andy the Pig. "Boy, they're gonna get some feeback on this!"
Ya gotta stay grounded...
CelebNews - Battery of tests reveal Duracell Bunny is terminally ill after falling prey to "Power of Positive Thinking" guru.
Euh...congratulations?
After decades of tenacity and hard work, Harris finally became part of the success pool.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Lucky she didn't wash his mouth out...
Miss Bivalve made Ollie go stand in the corner because he said "shucks", which is a swear word for oysters.
My love he has purloined away!!
He errs through the flies with the latest of grease / That trying young man on the fairly daft beast
I'm afraid we're going to have to punctuate...
The MRI scan revealed a football the size of a tumor in Robert's semicolon.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Poor pooch...
If Rip the Labrador could see Jackie playing with her new poodle Fufu, he'd roll over and play dead in his grave!
Friday, November 23, 2012
To move, or not to move, that is the question.
'Twas the day after Thanksgiving, when all through the house, the future was blurry, not even announced.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Rockin' in the stone age!
When the night watchman went in to see what all the ruckus was, he found
the T. Rex and the Triceratops dancing to fossil records.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Poor little guy, he need a drink?
Can you run that by me again, I mean, once it catches it's breath?
Friday, November 16, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
The Hostess (apologies to Kenny Rogers)
At a fashion store one day, in a mall in th'middle o'nowhere
I met up with a hostess, she was chewin' out the staff
Then we took turns tryin' on our chosen garments in the change room
'Til we bumped into each other, and we began to laugh
She said, "Honey, I made a life o' bein' the one they all have eyes on
At soirées full of VIPs, no matter what the price
And if you don't mind my sayin', looks like there's one on your horizon
So if you'll buy me a cappuccino, I'll give you some advice."
Well I took her to the Starbucks and I gave the barista five bucks
As she tidied up her lipstick, and asked me how it looked
Then a hush came o'er the mall as she kinked up a well-plucked eyebrow
'N said, "If you wanna play the game, dear, you have to play it by the book
You have to know when to jive 'em, know when to high five 'em
Know when to walk the walk and know when to joke
You never count the silverware while your guests are at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when they go to grab their coats
Now every hostess knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to RSVP and knowing when to snob
'Cause every party's an orgy and every party's a fun'ral
And the hallmark of success is not to wake up next to some slob."
Then when she'd finished speakin', pushed back her chair and stood up
Fiddled with her shopping bags and dis'ppeared in the crowd
And as I watched her fade away, I knew I'd come to one conclusion,
There's no way I'd want someone like that in my house, cryin' out loud
You have to know when to jive 'em, know when to high five 'em
Know when to walk the walk and know when to joke
You never count the silverware while your guests are at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when they go to grab their coats
Jack? Jack what are you doing?!
I once sliced a date down the middle and found a live caterpillar inside. The poor girl was mortified!
Jailhouse rocks!!
Vincent had spent the better part of his life behind bars, and could
whip up a pina colada to knock your socks off in thirty seconds flat.
Lunge for your wives!!
A horrific creature with the swindling carapace of a Mont Blanc Meisterstück and the digestive tube of an armadillo.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Killer (with apologies to Kenny Rogers)
On a warm summer's evenin' on a highway bound for nowhere
I ran into a killer, we were both too drunk to see
So we took turns a starin' at our junkheaps in the darkness
'Til our bladders overtook us and we both turned to pee
The man said, "I just took my wife out for gettin' in people's faces
Pokin' in their business and gen'rally bein' a drag
Now if you don't mind my sayin', you're peein' on yore shoelaces
But for a taste of that there whiskey, I'll let you use this rag."
Well I handed him the bottle and he bolted down a swallow
Was he reachin' for a cigarette? Something glinted in the light.
Then he held up a revolver, you should'a seen my expression.
When he said, "If you're gon' play the game, ya gotta play it right.
You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.
Now ev'ry killer knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to aim it high and when to aim more deep.
For ev'ry woman's a sinner and ev'ry man's a loser,
And the best that they can hope for is to buy it in their sleep."
Well he fin'lly finished singin' and turned back towards his jalopy,
Turned on the radio and slipped out of his boots.
But right there in the darkness, that killer got unlucky.
'Cause with all that he'd just larned me that was a gun that I could shoot.
You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.
I ran into a killer, we were both too drunk to see
So we took turns a starin' at our junkheaps in the darkness
'Til our bladders overtook us and we both turned to pee
The man said, "I just took my wife out for gettin' in people's faces
Pokin' in their business and gen'rally bein' a drag
Now if you don't mind my sayin', you're peein' on yore shoelaces
But for a taste of that there whiskey, I'll let you use this rag."
Well I handed him the bottle and he bolted down a swallow
Was he reachin' for a cigarette? Something glinted in the light.
Then he held up a revolver, you should'a seen my expression.
When he said, "If you're gon' play the game, ya gotta play it right.
You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.
Now ev'ry killer knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to aim it high and when to aim more deep.
For ev'ry woman's a sinner and ev'ry man's a loser,
And the best that they can hope for is to buy it in their sleep."
Well he fin'lly finished singin' and turned back towards his jalopy,
Turned on the radio and slipped out of his boots.
But right there in the darkness, that killer got unlucky.
'Cause with all that he'd just larned me that was a gun that I could shoot.
You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Barely noticeable...
At age 21, Wilcox had a stroke of genius, causing him to walk with a slight swagger for the rest of his life.
The experience was just off scale!
Have just finished shaving with a manta ray dipped in liquid nitrogen.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Best medecine maybe, but beware of dependency!
Doc thought I'd improved enough to take me off laughter. I'm just on a maintenance level chuckle right now.
A tale of Dale...
"I don't know how this works out," confessed Dale, "a DNA molecule like mine has never been tested before."
For this is the way of things, froglet...
Poco had never lived in a house before, and the first time we came to check on him, we found him walking on the ceiling.
How ya doin', punkin'?
DigitalNews - Computer scientists develop new bit-slice architecture to mince pi to unprecedented accuracy.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Kinda fills ya up inside knowing...
By the time Frank left the restaurant, he was convinced of the intrinsic goodness of the hunan rice.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Later, he leveraged that into the print empire...
On this day in 1455, Johannes Gutenberg was awarded a patent on the ink
lined plane, with all mechanical advantages thereunto appertaining.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Start Climbin'!
When I finally hit bottom I looked around me and damned if it wasn't gonna be turtles all the way back up too.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
So there!
We come into the world alone, and we leave the world alone. It's the part in between that sucks.
Better see a doctor about that...
Because of his drinking problem, Hank frequently got punch in his nose.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
The Whisker
Un tas, un talon, un rebiquement sur l'horizon, une souche.
Ce poil, ce bout de cil, ce pixel pointant dans le gris.
Un jour ci, un jour là. Toujours là.
Je ne l'ai jamais vu bouger.
Je ne l'ai jamais vu.
Ce n'était rien.
Puis un jour ça n'y était plus.
Et j'ai compris que j'étais seul.
Ce poil, ce bout de cil, ce pixel pointant dans le gris.
Un jour ci, un jour là. Toujours là.
Je ne l'ai jamais vu bouger.
Je ne l'ai jamais vu.
Ce n'était rien.
Puis un jour ça n'y était plus.
Et j'ai compris que j'étais seul.
Go ahead, show me a good time!
One nice thing about insanity is you don't have to keep thinking up stuff to do.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Put up your dukes!
"I'm not afraid of you," declared the octopus to the starfish, "you're not even-armed!"
Monday, October 22, 2012
Other than that it was a great idea.
Unfortunately, for Robin's idea to work, the two packages would have to contain each other.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
The shot heard 'round the block...
Fritz had hoped to time his fart with the slamming of the car door. He was off by half a second.
Really?
The high-speed aircraft bit is one of the finest hole-cutting instruments in all of boredom.
Why can't they keep me posted about such things?
"Oh," exclaimed the surprised adversary on seeing Gallahad's chain-link tunic, "you've got mail!"
Hey, what's that weird glow over there?!
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow/The corn's as imperiled as an
Ella Fitzgerald/An' it looks like its barreled clear up to the sky
Friday, October 19, 2012
That aint runnin' (with apologies to Dire Straits)
I want my ESPN
Now look at them yo-yo's, that's no way to do it
With fancy runnin' shorts and trademark T's
That ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Can't get a workout for nothin', gotta lift your knees
That ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Hoppin' 'round like that just ain't for real
Maybe get a blister on your little toenail
Maybe get a blister on your heel
I just destroyed my microwave oven
Smoked the kitchen up could hardly see
Gatorade's in the refrigerator
Think I'll go watch TV
(See the little faggot in compression shorts and hoodie
Why the coverup, he's got no hair?
That little faggot buys out bankrupt corporations
That little faggot he’s a millionaire)
I just destroyed my microwave oven
Smoked the kitchen up could hardly see
Gatorade's in the refrigerator
Think I'll go watch TV
I shoulda learned to play the money market
I shoulda learned to sell subprimes
Look at that Baby Jogger with the 100 dollar haircut!
Man, I could use some o' that sometimes
And that one there, what's that? Hawaiian punch?
A hydro-pack like Captain Galaxy!
Oh, that ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Can't get a workout for nothin', gotta lift your knees
I just destroyed my microwave oven
Smoked the kitchen up could hardly see
Gatorade's in the refrigerator
Think I'll go watch TV
Look a' here
Now look at them yo-yo's, that's no way to do it
With fancy runnin' shorts and trademark T's
That ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Can't get a workout for nothin', gotta lift your knees
Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees
Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees
Look at that, look at that
Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees
I want my, I want my, I want my ESPN
Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees
Now look at them yo-yo's, that's no way to do it
With fancy runnin' shorts and trademark T's
That ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Can't get a workout for nothin', gotta lift your knees
That ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Hoppin' 'round like that just ain't for real
Maybe get a blister on your little toenail
Maybe get a blister on your heel
I just destroyed my microwave oven
Smoked the kitchen up could hardly see
Gatorade's in the refrigerator
Think I'll go watch TV
(See the little faggot in compression shorts and hoodie
Why the coverup, he's got no hair?
That little faggot buys out bankrupt corporations
That little faggot he’s a millionaire)
I just destroyed my microwave oven
Smoked the kitchen up could hardly see
Gatorade's in the refrigerator
Think I'll go watch TV
I shoulda learned to play the money market
I shoulda learned to sell subprimes
Look at that Baby Jogger with the 100 dollar haircut!
Man, I could use some o' that sometimes
And that one there, what's that? Hawaiian punch?
A hydro-pack like Captain Galaxy!
Oh, that ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Can't get a workout for nothin', gotta lift your knees
I just destroyed my microwave oven
Smoked the kitchen up could hardly see
Gatorade's in the refrigerator
Think I'll go watch TV
Look a' here
Now look at them yo-yo's, that's no way to do it
With fancy runnin' shorts and trademark T's
That ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Can't get a workout for nothin', gotta lift your knees
Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees
Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees
Look at that, look at that
Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees
I want my, I want my, I want my ESPN
Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees
Here, try 'em on...
TechNews - Research group at MIT develops Terahertz-sensitive goggles that make everyone look silly.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Talk about gerrymandering....
The world is divided into two classes. Unfortunately the boundary between them is a fractal, so it's kind of hard to describe.
"Hey," demanded Mandelbrot as he surveyed the fractal boundary, "who's side are you on?"
"Hey," demanded Mandelbrot as he surveyed the fractal boundary, "who's side are you on?"
Ouch, do that again!
NowReading: Fifty Grades of Shale, A Fracking Exposé of What Goes on Beneath the Outskirts of Seattle, by Odetta Hertz.
Now *that's* what I call small print...
The words of the prophets are written on the event horizons of black holes.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Oz in chaos!
Reuters - Lollypop Guild secedes from Munchkin Land, launches surprise attack against Lullaby League.
Isn't it dandy?!
At the knicknack store, Dempster found the perfect nut case to keep his cashews in.
Been eatin' like a black hole lately...
Benjamin thought he'd discovered a radio source in his accretion disk, but it turned out to be just his cellphone clipped to his belt.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
It was probably what he meant to do anyway...
Gallagher decided to let auto-complete finish out his day.
Get the point?
"Now let's twist again, like we did last summer," he whispered as he rotated the poignard by its handle, "twist again, like we did last year!"
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Euh, happy Thanksgiving?
Down in Poultry Hell, Tom the Turkey learned his legs and wings had been thrown away by a spoiled little girl who didn't like dark meat.
Washoe talkin' about?
"I am reminded here," continued the shaman, "of the episode in which Walker, Texas Ranger, becomes blind."
Monday, October 8, 2012
That "oops" moment...
Gee, Mom, if that's what happens when we die, what's everybody doing hangin' around here?
Break out the lifeboats!
"Abandon chimp!" cried the flea to his comrades as the drunken simian tumbled into the swimming pool.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Now there's a new twist...
"Hang on a second," he interrupted, tugging on the ends of a piece of fusilli pasta, "let me get this straight."
Store them out of reach to avoid problems...
Severe tire damage, anyone?
When the waters receded, Noah saw he'd now have to do something about
all the fish left high and dry, and thus was the carp ark invented.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Greetings from Chairman Mitt, in descending ordure...
"Hey, have a great day!"
"Go out and make it a great day!"
"Give it no other option than to be an absolutely fantastic day!"
"Chase it down, corner it, and keep hammerin' on it 'til it's the best friggin' day that ever was!"
"If that doesn't work, grab some other poor schmuck's day that looks promising and declare it yours!"
"Now get out and make it an even better day!"
"Seek guarantees that your day will better than anyone else's day can possibly be!"
"Go out and devalue everyone else's day!"
"Then buy up other people's days for peanuts and stack 'em into one big super duper day!"
"Go out and make it a great day!"
"Give it no other option than to be an absolutely fantastic day!"
"Chase it down, corner it, and keep hammerin' on it 'til it's the best friggin' day that ever was!"
"If that doesn't work, grab some other poor schmuck's day that looks promising and declare it yours!"
"Now get out and make it an even better day!"
"Seek guarantees that your day will better than anyone else's day can possibly be!"
"Go out and devalue everyone else's day!"
"Then buy up other people's days for peanuts and stack 'em into one big super duper day!"
I turned around from the stove and they were gone!
Investigators finally found Betty's eggwhites in a back alley where they'd been beaten and left for dead.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Took too long to type 'em in before...
Reuters - US Supreme Court rules phone keypads must include irrational numbers by 2018.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Go easy on it, I don't want to have to call a spin doctor.
I'll have the big bounce cosmology with torsion, please.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Ethanol (apologies to Lou Reed)
I don't know just where I'm going
But I'm goin' to try for the couch if I can
'Cause it's the closest thing on hand
When I get my alky in my veins
Then I tell you things aren't quite the same
When I'm vomiting on rum
And I feel just like a total bum
And I guess I just fell on the flo'
But I guess that I just don't know
Didn't need no big decision
To try to alcoholize my life
'Cause when the booze begins to flow
And I tip back the bottle's neck
I could blowtorch with my breath
Can you help me here you guys?
Or you sweet girls come 'round to gawk?
Can you help me get up and walk?
'Cause I guess I fell on the flo'
But I guess I just don't know
I know that I got bored a thousand beers ago
I wanna go sail down the darkened streets
In my great big SUV
Going from this bar here to that
I put on a jackass' suit and cap
Into the big city
Where a man can be free
Of all the content in this brain
And of his family and his friends
Oh, and I guess I need a smoke
Oh, but I guess the lighter's broke
Ethanol, smell the breath on me
Ethanol, I had a wife and I had a life
Because a sixpack in my gut
Makes my bladder feel like lead
And then I better get to the head
When the booze begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore
About all the Slim-Jims I chowed down
And everybody standin' while I'm on the ground
And all of the bartenders makin' crazy sounds
All the dead bottles piled up in mounds, yeah
Wow, that alky is in my blood
All the good it does my head
Yeah, I think God, I'm still not dead?
Ooohhh, I think God am I still here?
And I think God he prolly don't care
And again I'm on the flo'?
But I guess I just don't know
But I'm goin' to try for the couch if I can
'Cause it's the closest thing on hand
When I get my alky in my veins
Then I tell you things aren't quite the same
When I'm vomiting on rum
And I feel just like a total bum
And I guess I just fell on the flo'
But I guess that I just don't know
Didn't need no big decision
To try to alcoholize my life
'Cause when the booze begins to flow
And I tip back the bottle's neck
I could blowtorch with my breath
Can you help me here you guys?
Or you sweet girls come 'round to gawk?
Can you help me get up and walk?
'Cause I guess I fell on the flo'
But I guess I just don't know
I know that I got bored a thousand beers ago
I wanna go sail down the darkened streets
In my great big SUV
Going from this bar here to that
I put on a jackass' suit and cap
Into the big city
Where a man can be free
Of all the content in this brain
And of his family and his friends
Oh, and I guess I need a smoke
Oh, but I guess the lighter's broke
Ethanol, smell the breath on me
Ethanol, I had a wife and I had a life
Because a sixpack in my gut
Makes my bladder feel like lead
And then I better get to the head
When the booze begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore
About all the Slim-Jims I chowed down
And everybody standin' while I'm on the ground
And all of the bartenders makin' crazy sounds
All the dead bottles piled up in mounds, yeah
Wow, that alky is in my blood
All the good it does my head
Yeah, I think God, I'm still not dead?
Ooohhh, I think God am I still here?
And I think God he prolly don't care
And again I'm on the flo'?
But I guess I just don't know
I imagined doing great things today...
In early societies, there was ritual virility. Today, we have virtual reality.
Who wants to go dancin'?!
She was well up in her years but always rarin' to go. They called her "Enthuselah".
Friday, September 28, 2012
Ah well that's alright then...
Thought my last tweet had gone viral, but turned out to be bacterial, and could be treated with antipsychotics.
Yeah but is it 3.1 or 3.2?
A little reflectorized sticker on the side of his forehead said "Anger Inside."
That a chimp or a chump?
The Internet addict finally decided to go to rehab when he realized he had a bum key on his Mac.
Whew, that's a load off my mind...
Lone Ranger use up all his heavy silver ammunition. Trigger happy!
They said it couldn't be done!
Exporcauralserisaculofaction (n): the act of making a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
We'll make millions!!
What this world needs is a controlled substance that isn't dangerous for your health.
Hmm, wonder if the back door is locked...
"But it's dangerous out here!" cried the inmate as he was led out the front door. "Nobody promised you a guard, Rosen," replied the warden.
Holding steady at 843,000....
The nice thing about being ranked last is you can never fall in the ratings.
You givin' me the bird?!
Reuters - Isolated Pacific island fishing community uses cormorants as birth control device.
And gradually he faded away...
Joel's selfishness ultimately left him unfit to live in society, and at the age of 41 he was sent to finish out his days in a gimme shelter.
Git on the stick, kiddo!
Tommy wasn't sure he understood everything his counselor had said, but was pleased to know his personal development was like a stag mating.
*That's* Aunt Linda??!!
It was not until he had his genome sequenced that James learned his family tree had bark beetles.
Coming soon: expanded rap version!
Get y'se'f together boy, da blues aint green! /Because a towel on the rack means "I will reuse" /A towel on the floor means "please replace"
More shishka, Bob?
Gerard felt like red meat for lunch, but ended up with a hunka hunka burnin' love.
Cruel, cruel Riley...
Riley denied the flies access to his pumpkin pie by covering it with a napkin, then proceeded to laugh out loud at their désarroi.
If anything can go wrong, it did.
There are thought to be 10 to the 500 universes. Just our luck to live in the one that has Murphy's law.
Chain gang tales #347
As a further humiliation, the convicts were required to hand their last cigarette over to the boss when they reached the end of the pack.
Subject to the Yubrekkit/Yubottit Criterion...
Our no-touch policy is implemented according to the provisions of the Hansen-Yerpokitz Accord.
Why, yes, I think we could come to an arrangement...
I know they probably don't have free WiFi in Hell, but can you pay for it?
No no, turn it around...
The mouseian distribution differs from the gaussian principally in its asymmetric tail.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Rarefied atmoshpere, no?
When she told me to meet her for a drink at the Machu Picchu Inn, I thought she was setting the bar rather high.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Fore!!
Helen congratulated Herbert for inventing the word "aftnication", but told him the answer was still "no".
Merci buckets and silver plate!
Uncle Howard always took a tiny wedge of foie-gras just to be polite, calling it his "goo sliver".
What's he think about Romney?
Reuters - International team discovers conscious plant in Madagascar rainforest.
But I haven't done anything wrong!
The large intergalactic reptile was nevertheless stunned when the crewmen set their phasers to "kill".
Put that in your geiger and count it!
"You ran plutonium?!" cried Arthur. "Plutôt uranium," Emil corrected.
Been ages since I've had any...
"What's the porcupine for?" asked Metzger. "Oh that'd have to be spare ribs," replied the game warden.
Try walkin' up to it slower...
David's lack of self esteem was so profound that even automatic doors failed to open for him.
Hommage to Phyllis Diller
Between meals he kept the cooking stick planted rakishly into his greasy locks, calling it his "fry twig".
I can't go on anymore!
Thomas held the little shrivelled fruit in his hand and cried out loud.
So many times he'd prayed for a raisin to live, and each time, this.
Steer clear o' that one...
A childhood bowling accident earned him the nickname "Shark-Infested Walter".
Shaken or stirred?
Dickslice, Electric Paper, and Uncle Terse walk into a bar. "Oddballs all around?" suggests the bartender.
That'll never work...
Duncan's idea for an angel-powered locomotive was dismissed as a self-propelling fantasy.
Yeah right...
A little blue-bordered white sticker on his forehead had "My other
personality is a really cool guy" printed on it in 24 point Arial.
Snore.....
There was too much traffic on the river tonight. Tying my tiny craft off to a tree branch I adjusted my spine along her keel and let awake rock me to sleep.
Aren't they darling!
The tiny bottlenose dolphins made excellent writing instruments once properly outfitted.
You might wanna go to a shrink...
Doctors finally determined that the cause of Ricardo's headaches was recoil on his scalp due to his hair growing too fast.
In regular, bipolar, and psychopath.
Make up for your deficiencies with Wigwam® Clip-On Personalities!
Shh! He's startin' to come around!
The anaesthesiologists at the clown hospital were fond of dressing up like angels during reanimation procedures.
Here he comes again...
Benjamin's habit of wearing baggy shorts and support hose earned him the sobriquet of The Knee Jerk.
Wait, I think I remember that bird...
Jack and Nancy got arrested for hiking without a clue in a bewilderness area.
It all tallies up in the end...
Although the evens all seemed to be in favor, the odds remained stacked against her.
Goodness that looks painful!
Johnathon enjoyed sleeping in the buff until the time he woke up at 3 am in the middle of a nudist cramp.
C'I have another hit?
It was good. It was so good that Muckles' spirit drew up into the air
like a cloud, and took off across the multiverse like Ricochet Rabbit.
A moment of inertia...
It would take the moral equivalent of a crowbar and an army of pancake flippers to get him up off that couch.
Ode to a vacuum cleaner...
There were two settings, labelled "Inadequate" and "Inadequate in a Subtly Different but Indefinable Way". A yellow indicator light labelled "Too Late Now Anyway" glowed feebly.
Don? Hey, Donnie!
Don decided to block his ears until the noise stopped, but being unable
to tell any more, was obliged to stay that way the rest of his life.
Where'd he get that hat?
Years later, the little lost dog emerged from the forest wearing a
tattered Japanese uniform, convinced that the war was still going on.
Seems simple enough...
If our days are numbered, why is it so difficult to get them in the right order? - Bullwinkle
What was old is nude again...
Reuters - World's oldest nudist dies on centennial birthday, barely realizing dream of living to 100.
Hold your head high...but watch the showerhead!
The tyranny had gone on long enough. Oh he'd lather and rinse, alright, but there was no way in hell he was going to repeat.
Odd or even?
Mary stood and held up a circular platter. "Anybody want another digit of pi?" she enquired.
Thank yer lucky stars...
In the end, Hank had managed to negotiate being transformed into an
acorn. It was a pyrrhic victory, to be sure, but he was *alive*!
Him again....
Nyqvist the baker was a tall, powerful, but rather unpleasant man, of prune Danish ancestry.
You gonna eat that cashew?
Perfect nutmeats every time, with Doggwaddle Misconception Engines (pats. pend.)
I did that on purpose...
Everyone thought the most original part of Harold's poem was a word he had accidentally misspelled.
Crazy thing took weeks to heal....
After the hyena incident, Jerry vowed to always turn the light on before entering the bathroom.
Someday, when he was least expecting it...
The next summer, when Fernanda found the charred handle of her wooden
spoon while cleaning the fireplace, she knew that Leo had lied to her.
Thanks again, s'long, see ya tomorrow!
Nelson kept his submarine parked in the interior of a cooperative minke whale.
Jus' lookit 'im...
Franklin's method of negotiating a tight switchback was an argument for Stupid Design.
Could I borrow yours?
It's not that there's no free lunch, it's that there are no free lunches left.
Let's not and say we did....
Today's project: Write a 14 page short story using only the word "instead".
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Now this here is called a AK-47...
Reuters - Governments propose training programs in response to increase in injuries from inexperienced criminal gangs.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Ode to a religious fanatic...
with apologies to Bob Dylan
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Whatever neurons you have in your mind
He’ll hide them from your with his godly shine
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Stay, baby, stay, stay with your god awhile
Until the break of day, lie there prostrate on the tiles
Your fly is open but your crotch is stained
And you’re weirdest thing I’ve ever seen
Stay, baby, stay, stay with your god awhile
Why wait any longer for your life here to end
You can eat your cake and have mine too
Why wait any longer for your heaven above
When it's hovering right over you
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Stay, baby, stay, stay until the truth's completely dead
I don't wanna see you in the morning light
I wanna be rid of you this very night
Stay, baby, stay, stay until the truth's completely dead
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Whatever neurons you have in your mind
He’ll hide them from your with his godly shine
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Stay, baby, stay, stay with your god awhile
Until the break of day, lie there prostrate on the tiles
Your fly is open but your crotch is stained
And you’re weirdest thing I’ve ever seen
Stay, baby, stay, stay with your god awhile
Why wait any longer for your life here to end
You can eat your cake and have mine too
Why wait any longer for your heaven above
When it's hovering right over you
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Stay, baby, stay, stay until the truth's completely dead
I don't wanna see you in the morning light
I wanna be rid of you this very night
Stay, baby, stay, stay until the truth's completely dead
Gentle on my mind...
It's knowing that your window's always open
And your chat is free to talk
That makes me tend to leave my sleeping time
To rise and come and hang out on the couch
And it's knowing I'm not shackled
By the need to look intell'gent
Or to even read what's wrote there on the line
That keeps you in the timeline
Of the river of my bandwidth
Always knowin' you'll go gentle on my mind
It's not thinkin' 'bout the likes and updates
Posted on their Facebooks now that binds me
Or something someone tweeted
'Cause they thought we were friends altho' we ain't
It's just knowing that the world will not be carin'
Or even conscious when I stumble on some Tumblr post and find
That you are streamin' in the background
On the river of my bandwidth
And the whole thing's oh so gentle on my mind
Though the stalkers and the spambots
And the ID thieves and phone bills come between us
And that livid woman crying, that's my mother
'Cause her child's become a zombie
I still might stay up longer lines & wrinkles strain my face
As the summer sun comes peekin' through the blind
But not to where I feel like shuttin' down my application
On that river oh so gentle on my mind
I bring a Cup-a-Soup back from the kitchen
And resume my standard couch potato pose
My beard a scruffy wheat patch
A baseball cap with visor turn'd 'round back
Through banner ads on the iPad
I pretend I hold you to my breast and find
That you've still got my attention
On the river of my bandwidth
Ever pointless ever gentle on my mind
And your chat is free to talk
That makes me tend to leave my sleeping time
To rise and come and hang out on the couch
And it's knowing I'm not shackled
By the need to look intell'gent
Or to even read what's wrote there on the line
That keeps you in the timeline
Of the river of my bandwidth
Always knowin' you'll go gentle on my mind
It's not thinkin' 'bout the likes and updates
Posted on their Facebooks now that binds me
Or something someone tweeted
'Cause they thought we were friends altho' we ain't
It's just knowing that the world will not be carin'
Or even conscious when I stumble on some Tumblr post and find
That you are streamin' in the background
On the river of my bandwidth
And the whole thing's oh so gentle on my mind
Though the stalkers and the spambots
And the ID thieves and phone bills come between us
And that livid woman crying, that's my mother
'Cause her child's become a zombie
I still might stay up longer lines & wrinkles strain my face
As the summer sun comes peekin' through the blind
But not to where I feel like shuttin' down my application
On that river oh so gentle on my mind
I bring a Cup-a-Soup back from the kitchen
And resume my standard couch potato pose
My beard a scruffy wheat patch
A baseball cap with visor turn'd 'round back
Through banner ads on the iPad
I pretend I hold you to my breast and find
That you've still got my attention
On the river of my bandwidth
Ever pointless ever gentle on my mind
Time for a smoke...
The ashes tried to get back in the mood of being a fire, but it just wasn't happening.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Better have a chat with your clergyman...
Allison's way of loading the dishwasher ran counter to everything Jim had been brought up to respect.
Hand me another one o' those rotten apples...
You should have seen the fruit fly when the department head told them their drosophila project was being cancelled.
Won't have to worry about that one anymore...
Ralph committed suicide for his own well being, as he was considered a threat to himself.
Quark ingested blotters?
Regis had started taking long walks after dinner. He was more than happy
to get out of those snark impested quarters for a while.
How 'bout a bacterium in the lower gut?
Wilton had come to accept that he was, at best, a pimple on the butt of the universe.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Jack, I think I see one!
You can recognize the asciatic frelon hornet by its almost total lack of lower back pain.
Turn up the heavy metal!!!
Mandrake's penchant for loud, irrelevant pronouncements had earned him the sobriquet of "Decibel without a Cause".
Old habits die hard...
One cold January morning, Flicke's precious styptic pencil finally became too short to use. Three days later, he was dead.
Rarely we mow along, mow along, mow along...
Larry had a metal man, whose sneeze was vilest woe / For underwired though Larry went, the man's web girdle showed.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Hey, that was the 4th of July wasn't it...?
Reuters - Odd cigarette lighter found by excavation crew in Cleveland,
Ohio last week is radio-isotope dated at 13.7 billion years old.
Hey, I see light at the end of the tunnel...!
Life is discovering whether you were meant to nourish the beast, or to drop out its bung end.
Now that's interment...!
And when I die don't bury me at all, just splatter my brains across the wall.
They wash 'em first, right...?
Henry informed his date that his sport jacket was made from recycled water bottles.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Oh Jules, can't you be more careful...!?
It was the first time Jules had seen a candle with hair, so it was really a shame when he dropped and broke it.
Reload! Reload!
Jerry discovered with horror that the seminar room computer had transformed his bullet points into blanks.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Why bother, you'll ask me...
Now, there once was a universe of Klunkheads - made of solid beryllium
& all slotting into each other - but it only lasted three sad
months.
Kind of an eerie feeling...
As Jerry advanced down the dark path through the woods, he had the feeling the tree stooges were watching him.
Clever lad...!
"Hey!" exclaimed Phil as he cracked open his 5th peanut shell, "I think I see a pattern!"
After all, now....
"Stop it!" screamed Jon, as the children froze. Finally he put the gun down. You can dress them up, but it just doesn't do to take them out.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Bravo, well done!
When she'd finished her saucer of cream, Ginger made one last turn around the plate, as a victory lap.
He really wanted to impress her...
On their first morning at Yellowstone, when Zelda awoke, Keith was
nowhere to be found. He was out gathering steam for their breakfast tea.
Cryin' in his beer...
With young folks clamoring for sushi & pizza now, the bratwurst
realized, with his corny Oktoberfest image, he'd become his own wurst
enemy.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
That's him! That's the one!
Eugene had stared death in the face, and would be able to pick him out of a police lineup with no problem.
There she goes...
Harriet dropped so many hints she eventually became lighter than air and floated away.
Let's try a Hugo Boss this time...
After 30 rounds Jon had succeeded only in destroying a tuxedo.
"Zombies," he spat, "you can dress 'em up, but you still can't take 'em
out."
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Now that's dedication...
Joshua tripped over the edge of the throw rug, and - always the strict Newtonian - proceeded to fall on the floor.
Do I say something....?
I awoke to find myself being walled into a narrow wax cell by a bee the size of a buffalo.
Friday, July 6, 2012
And the winner is.....
By the time Elias had finished optimizing his code, their team was clocking in at an unprecedented 37 keystrokes per jellyfish!
Ignorance is no excuse....er, excuse me...
Reuters - Rogue triceratops captured in Madrid claims "unaware" of extinct status.
So that means a week from Wednesday.....
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Let's get our priorities straight here...
Begin by cutting everything you own in half lengthwise with a hacksaw.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Bring appropriate footwear...
Martyr's Club hosting their annual Eggshell Walk, Friday 6-8 pm on Wigglesworth Mall.
Can't ya keep it on a leash or something?
Damn it Daniels, that budgerigar of yours flies in the face of common sense!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Look, that one's tights are on backwards!
The possibilities danced before us like lugnuts. "Shall I toss 'em a coin?" offered Figpants, and we all of us had a fine laugh.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
It's true I aint looked there yet...
Luthor ordered an endoscope from a medical supply company, to help him in his search for God.
Laugh first, ask questions later...
A penguin, a hound dog, and the state of Nebraska walk into a bar.
Bartender takes down 3 glasses and asks, "OK, which one's the diabetic?"
Sunday, July 1, 2012
You're the one who wanted to be conscious...
I hate having to change my mind every time it soils itself.
Hello, Eric? You'll never guess what's happening...
Do not suffer alone in boredom. Share it with your friends.
Let's not get discouraged so quickly...
Over 14 months, Roy painstakingly measured the correlation coefficient
between himself & everything else. It was zero to 476 decimal
places.
You can dress 'em up...
With her gaping maw and razor-clawed paw, Amy was afraid she couldn't take her parents anywhere.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
And what's *your* claim to fame...?
The thing about a one-trick pony is he does have that one trick.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Nothing to it!!
"One nice thing about nothingness," observed the apparition enthusiastically, "is that it's very low maintenance!"
Thursday, June 28, 2012
It's gotten that bad...
For the first time since grade school, it looked like Gerard was going to have to dip into his penny collection.
Now don't go treading on me...
Being temporarily incapable of navigating reality as a human being,
Charles decided to revert to a simpler, easier lifeform - a lizard, say.
You can exhale now...
Treasure the air you breath. Treat each breath as if it were your last. Now squeeze a dead mole over your head.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Garbage In
Though I've downloaded and reviled you by the coder that compiled you, you're a better .exe than I am, Garbage-In.
I mean a wolf in...uh...hmm
When the closet door flew open, there stood Sheila, half naked and immobile, like a shelf in whoops clothing.
Hee-haw?
Rick took another bite of donkey sausage and stared over the retaining wall into the tumbling, verdant abyss.
Don't go there!
There were many hells on earth, but this one was the go-to hell if you really wanted to suffer in style.
What's that E stand for.....?
Alan
had devised a method for determining the precise fraction of the
enchilada being addressed in any situation, e.g., Twitter = 4.23E-22.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
For her own protection of course...
Unbeknownst to Cassandra, her parents had enrolled her in a Witless Protection Program.
Does I does, does I doesn't....?
Terry was so convinced of his own wonderfulness that he didn't recognize it when he had selfed out.
Ah, OK, now I get it...
Jack's cluelessness became tractable once represented as the sum of its projections onto an orthonormal set of eigenstupidities.
Eek!
Perkins eeked out an existence as a ghost in the haunted house attraction at the local amusement park.
I spy, with my little eye...
Cubito sat on the landing and blinked back tears as he stared through the keyhole. He was suffering from locked out syndrome.
You have the right to remain soilent...
Winston enlisted the services of an undercover policeman to crack down on bedbugs in his family's sleeping quarters.
Get in there....!
Jerry had become a letter carrier because it allowed him to continuously push the envelope.
Packed by doppler bedpan!!
Mayonnaise obscene duck lorry off to calm an awful orb
Theists rambling outer village wearing ripstop rastas torn
Giraffe oozed a feeble latte, offed his hair & bullshit more
He drew fish ichiban!
Snore, ignore, iguana hula
Snore, ignore, iguana hula
Snore, ignore, iguana hula
Houndstooth is catching on!
Theists rambling outer village wearing ripstop rastas torn
Giraffe oozed a feeble latte, offed his hair & bullshit more
He drew fish ichiban!
Snore, ignore, iguana hula
Snore, ignore, iguana hula
Snore, ignore, iguana hula
Houndstooth is catching on!
Monday, May 21, 2012
A vitctim of Newton's law....
Gerry thought his falls were caused by an inner ear problem, but his doctor told him he just didn't understand the gravity of his situation.
Strawberry jam, anyone?
Wilkins had assembled some of the finest debt bond instruments available - a toothsome portfolio filled with debenture cream.
And it better be here when I get back...
Dickens placed one of the bivalves into a sock, spun it around his head, and set it down again. "The whirled is my oyster," he informed us.
French, Italian, or thousand island?
Alicia liked to sprinkle her vernacular with conundra. It made her word salad more digestible.
Wrong answer!!
When asked to cite a neural correlate of blasphemy, Ernest hazarded tomato soup. Seconds later, his moustache burst into flames.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Hava nagila, hava nagila, nagila nagil, hava hava
Warren killed his guru when he found out he'd given him a second-hand mantra. It was a premeditated murder.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Time to shift down...
Coy opened oblets with a tool called a bat schooner - think of a synchromesh wine bottle - and daubed himself stingily with their ejecta.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
By Jove that's a great idea!
The Jovians were so delighted with Brenda's new gazpacho recipe that they adopted it as their Pythagorian theorem.
Old time TV advert....
"I'd crawl a while for a Mammal," declared the alligator, smiling genially into the camera as he lit one up.
Wonder how they liked it...
I believe someone walked a mile in my shoes. They're all stretched out and covered with grass clippings.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Gulp....
At the sight of Bananthra's slavering maw, the adventurers' scrota pinched off and tumbled to the ground like small fruiting bodies.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The warp and woof of space-time...
year (n): 365 days
light year (n): distance travelled by light in one year
speed of light (n): 3 hundred million meters per second
dog (n): an instantiation of canis familiaris
dog year (n): distance travelled by a dog in one year
speed of dog (n): 4 feet per animal
leap year (n): distance covered by a grasshopper in one year
goodyear (n): distance travelled by an automobile in one year
whole doggone year (n): distance a dog has gone, per dog year
dogear (n): distance covered by a dog so old he forgot y
miller light year (n): canonical post-divorce mourning period
light second (n): distance travelled by light in one second
slight second (n): a previously owned time interval
dog second (n): the amount of time since your dog last ate
factory second (n): the duration of your lunch break
light year (n): distance travelled by light in one year
speed of light (n): 3 hundred million meters per second
dog (n): an instantiation of canis familiaris
dog year (n): distance travelled by a dog in one year
speed of dog (n): 4 feet per animal
leap year (n): distance covered by a grasshopper in one year
goodyear (n): distance travelled by an automobile in one year
whole doggone year (n): distance a dog has gone, per dog year
dogear (n): distance covered by a dog so old he forgot y
miller light year (n): canonical post-divorce mourning period
light second (n): distance travelled by light in one second
slight second (n): a previously owned time interval
dog second (n): the amount of time since your dog last ate
factory second (n): the duration of your lunch break
Friday, April 27, 2012
That and 4 dollars'll get you a frappuccino.
God grant me the lugubriousness to cancel your vasectomy, the chutzpah to write a webinar about it, and enough cognac to drown a rhinoceros.
Swing your partner round and...oops...
Ants accommodate man's existence by coexisting with him, but do not interact with him meaningfully, by attending square dances, for example.
Early woman didn't stand a chance...
Early man became adept at knapping heartstone into a variety of useful forms to suit his needs.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
No animals hurt in this post...but we scared a few!
TechNews: Irish mathematician proves all ways to skin a cat are topologically equivalent.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Get a hearing aid, ya big ape!
When King Kong asked the identity of the witch we claimed was deceased, no one had the heart to tell him we weren't singing for him.
Uncivil Cervantes...
Reuters - Industrial pollution scare wracks Spain as downed coyotes found wilting at tin mills across La Mancha.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Always a wise guy...
"How's *that* for a brilliant new idea?!" Jerry announced proudly to an empty apartment. Just then the washing machine piped in. "Spin done," he informed him.
Just being Prague-tickle....
Jim was informed if he wanted to do a painting on the Charles Bridge he had to have a background Czech.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Fun with Latin roots...
Somnambulist (n): one who walks while sleeping
Funambulist (n): one who walks on ropes
Somnafunambulist (n): one who sleepwalks on ropes
Somnafunist (n): one who sleeps on ropes
Gummasticambulist (n): one who walks and chews gum at the same time
Somnagummasticambulist (n): one who sleepwalks and chews gum at the same time
Ursagummasticambulist (n): one who walks and chews Gummi Bears at the same time
Somnombrilist: one who falls asleep while contemplating his navel
Funombrilist: tighrope walker who achieves balance by contemplating his navel
Urifunist: one who pisses up a rope
Jusforfunist: one who enjoys taking the piss irrespective of ropes, sleep, or walking
Funambulist (n): one who walks on ropes
Somnafunambulist (n): one who sleepwalks on ropes
Somnafunist (n): one who sleeps on ropes
Gummasticambulist (n): one who walks and chews gum at the same time
Somnagummasticambulist (n): one who sleepwalks and chews gum at the same time
Ursagummasticambulist (n): one who walks and chews Gummi Bears at the same time
Somnombrilist: one who falls asleep while contemplating his navel
Funombrilist: tighrope walker who achieves balance by contemplating his navel
Urifunist: one who pisses up a rope
Jusforfunist: one who enjoys taking the piss irrespective of ropes, sleep, or walking
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Shhh! This is a library!
Each time he juddered his chair back from the table, elephant herds throughout central Africa charged for the nearest cover.
Demitasse etiquette oblige....
"Thank you," smiled the president, as he took the tiny cup and spoon in his fingertips and executed a minister.
He liked her!
The way her flesh lay over her bones elicited in him a psychophysiological process capable of leading to an exchange of genetic material.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Ah, well that changes everything, sir...
"There," he declared, as he planted a revolver against the old woman's temple and pulled the trigger, "now *I'm* first in line."
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Now you're talkin'....
"Might as well get in a little toddler practice while we're at it!" chuckled the Algonquin mischievously as he straightened his whiskers.
There was much at steak...
As the contents of the overturned tractor-trailer rained down upon him, Collins realized he was literally being smothered in onions.
Harvey, take this down to the lab for analysis...
The victim had a rhinoceros in his occipital lobe, ruling out penis envy as a motive.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Keep the faith!
"I don't know," sighed one orthodox church to the other, "I'm feeling a bit onion spired these days."
Friday, April 13, 2012
Moo!
When Stu told Yvonne it was time to get a move on, she would never have guessed in a million years that he wanted to become a dairy farmer.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Rules is rules....
The tse-tses were obliged to leave Mahmoud alone when they learned he was on the no-fly list.
Take that!
Harald's goal was to strike fear into their hearts, or, failing that, some other unpleasant sensation into another part of their anatomy.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Aloha-oy!
The reign of Hawaiian Prince Waka-Waka in 1650-1659, when suggestive dancing was punishable by death, is often referred to as the Hulacaust.
If ya wanna make a pogrom ya gotta crack some heads...
This whole low-cost holocaust idea seems a bit misguided.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Better to have unwind than undined....
Jerry's head stopped spinning once he'd unwind. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve as he flushed and headed back to the table.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Here piggy....
It was after his father brought one of the furry, tusked creatures back from a hunting trip that Louis first became fascinated by boardom.
Gotta keep that buzz going....
"I'm feeling a bit clearer after eating," declared Tyler as he raised the bottle and brought it to my glass, "I think it's time we rewind."
Friday, April 6, 2012
What is the sound of a hundred seeds tittering?
The joke was on Ralph when the sesame seeds on his bagel suddenly disrobed in unison and revealed that they were actually poppies.
This thing loaded?
No one would have known they'd even purchased a gun if Randall hadn't shot his mouth off.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Ya gotta face facts....
Wherever he searched, however hard he had worked to get there, God had somehow always beaten him to it.
The sandman cometh....
They gazed into the moonlight and were lulled to sleep by sea urgings pounding on the shore.
Why let the others get all the credit?
In Duisberg, the fusilliers lunched in a horse restaurant named The Can 'n Fodder.
Anybody wanna bend a few?
Robin Hood's legendary marksmanship had earned him a reputation as far afield as Spain, where he was known as "El Bow".
Somehow their music is always so hard to hear....
And now, from Thermos, Ohio, let's hear it for Peapod Willie and the Nackground Boys!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Do the math!
"In sum," the tribute concluded, "Fred introduced no new products, but by creating a division, he did make a difference."
That's amore!
Forthwith the moon, eyewardly pizziferous, what fev'rous creature doth invest my heart?
Monday, April 2, 2012
It was lunchtime, you see....
Have just been named Knight Commander of the Next to Least Excellent Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth II's groundskeeper!
He'd loaned out the pitchfork, so I was knighted with the salad tongs. I'll never wash that shirt! The oilstain is precious!
He'd loaned out the pitchfork, so I was knighted with the salad tongs. I'll never wash that shirt! The oilstain is precious!
He kept dropping hints he was unhappy about it, to no avail...
Edwin, through no fault of his own, was a pigeon.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The resemblance was striking.....
Reuters - Suicide attempt goes awry as Ohio girl kills twin sister by mistake.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Ah, excuse me, uh....
John's command of Mandarin was somewhat limited. He gathered he either was or was not to be hanged in the morning.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Is *that* what that rattling noise is...
Rupert turned his brain into an internal deduction engine, with brilliant concepts pistonning back & forth between left & right hemispheres.
Some people can really keep their cool....
A sockful of seagull shit
Came flinging through the air
And landed on a sleeping nun
Who didn't seem to care.
Came flinging through the air
And landed on a sleeping nun
Who didn't seem to care.
Who turned out the lights?!
Mommy, why is the amount of visible matter in the universe unable to account for the observed orbital speeds of galaxies?
That certain nothing.....
Nothing in the air told Jerry today was going to be another ordinary, boring day.
Harold was getting harder and harder to understand...
When she finally did come to bed, she found him nude except for a Canadian flag worn as a diaper.
Now *that* is sloppy!
Reginald was so slovenly in his appearance that he once got carted away by the garbage men while waiting for a bus.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Gotta wash those vitamins down with something....
Man is unable to synthesize certain necessary aliments internally and must obtain them from his diet: vitamin-C, and alcohol, for example.
That'll teach 'em...
Harvey reckoned that though they might let him come up for air eventually, he wasn't going to hold his breath waiting for it.
A man needs his privacy...
The other day I ate my cake but still had it afterwards. Next thing you know I was contacted by the Thinnest Book of Rural Dreckers wanting to document the exploit, but I told them nothin' doin'.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Flamous philosophies....
Ghostliness is a crippled inchworm. - Jean-Paul Sartre
Measles vaccines are the rumba lessons of the incoherent. - Schopenhauer
Post-it Notes are the grape leaves of the simpleminded. - Descartes
Calamari are the gag condoms of the obstreperous. - Benjamin Disraeli
Measles vaccines are the rumba lessons of the incoherent. - Schopenhauer
Post-it Notes are the grape leaves of the simpleminded. - Descartes
Calamari are the gag condoms of the obstreperous. - Benjamin Disraeli
Friday, March 23, 2012
What the heck is *he* doing here?
Reuters - Parallel lions meet at infinity, embarassed silence ensues.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I'm afraid that has to go through the scanner, sir....
Louis always carried his pet ocelot in a varmint bag when he traveled, to avoid startling security agents.
This one's got your name on it!
When Scully seemed not to realize he was in no position to negotiate, Harry raised his gun and delivered the bulletin his brain most needed.
Piece o' cake!
Hermann, on the other hand, could open a wine bottle with his pineal gland. Blindfolded.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Bad news for dilettantes....
You can only succeed at something you are passionate enough to sin for.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
And a few hanging over it, too....
Gert's capacity for whiskey was renowned. He was rumored to have over 10,000 belts under his belt.
Mister personality.
Willis had a knack for slamming open doors in his own face just by trying to go through them.
Honey, it's for you!
When Jim realized she was still breathing, he picked up the phone and hit her with it again.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
The Die is Cast - a tribute to Elmore James (via Stevie Ray)
The die is cast
Can't you feel the odds scrollin' down the list?
The die is cast
Can't you feel the odds scrollin' down the list?
I thought I knew the options
Turns out there's one I missed
I saw my future early one morning
As I was walking on down the street
I saw my future early one morning
As I was walking on down the street
And it scared me, scared me so bad
It nearly knocked me off my feet
I got a real, real fine feeling
That this life don't need me no more
I got a real, real fine feeling
That this life don't need me no more
You know the die is cast
Can't see you feel the odds knockin' on my door?
Can't you feel the odds scrollin' down the list?
The die is cast
Can't you feel the odds scrollin' down the list?
I thought I knew the options
Turns out there's one I missed
I saw my future early one morning
As I was walking on down the street
I saw my future early one morning
As I was walking on down the street
And it scared me, scared me so bad
It nearly knocked me off my feet
I got a real, real fine feeling
That this life don't need me no more
I got a real, real fine feeling
That this life don't need me no more
You know the die is cast
Can't see you feel the odds knockin' on my door?
Friday, March 9, 2012
Knaveworthy. For that toasted-in gallic roundness!
Join the in-crowd. Snort Knaveworthy™ palimpsests.
Jimmy? What are you up to up there?
Jimmy had painstakingly carved a miniature boat out of a bottle stopper, but when he tried it in his bathtub, the corkscrew fell overboard.
Thoughtlessly, he knocked over the bottle trying to save them, and ended up having to notify the wineskin as well!
Thoughtlessly, he knocked over the bottle trying to save them, and ended up having to notify the wineskin as well!
Fine kettle of fish!
Invisible Arapahos loitered furtively in the vestibule, as undergraduate cornflakes adorned the breezeway like besotted landmines.
Build your own hallucination!
Step 3: Place pigeon in erstwhile configuration with respect to vocal tract, while ensuring that gargled effusions ricochet into hyperspace.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Meteor-illogical tales #326
Cumulonimbulb (n): a person whose thinking becomes progressively more clouded as time goes on.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Not to be blasé, but....
"Pass the muktuk" is the "Been there, done that" of the Aleutian Islands. - Mitt Romney
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Fear of being crushed by a fat man in a confined space...
Elwin's dream was to become a chimney sweep, but his application was always rejected when they found out about his santaclaustrophobia.
Friday, March 2, 2012
C'mere, this one lacks originality....
Boat launches were suspended as the dock underwent pier review.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Quick, hold a bucket over him....
"Hold on," said the superfluid liquid helium, "I feel like I'm gonna flow up."
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