Quick, hold a bucket over him....

"Hold on," said the superfluid liquid helium, "I feel like I'm gonna flow up."

They've got it rough, you know...

How about a little solidarity for liquids?

Smarty pants....

OK, said God, so what's *your* plan?

He prayed they'd aim high....

When the man produced a gun, Alan took his iPhone from his jacket & slipped it in his back pocket, to protect it in case there was shooting.

Hell, Mary!

"Bottle!" commanded Friar Jacob as he slapped down a fiver, "Tonight I'm jumpin' off this Virgin Mary go-round!"

So git off yer tuchus!!

Complacency is the peanut allergy of the nincompoop. - George Orwell

And you are a jerk because....?

You can finish my sentences if I get to start yours.

Sure has gotten early lately....

As time went by, it kept gettin' earlier 'n earlier, 'til you could hardly recognize anything anymore.

Aïe, where's the grub?

Alan came to grips with the fact that if his intention was to sit down with a cup of tea, someone was going to have to make that cup of tea.

Petie the Putpocket....

Petie fer the las' time, the idea is to take *his* wallet outta his pocket, not put *yours* into it!

However....

Reuters - Prime minister Forandnor Butoryet quarantined in conjunctivitis scare in Grand Duchy of Existentia.

Served in a coffin.....

"The Death Wish Parfait, very good sir, and would you like that in Choke-Hold Chocolate, or 800-Pound Vanilla?"

Rail? Sneet? Hog?

Some as yet uncatalogued hydrous precipitate is blubbering down from the heavens.

Fiat pisces!!

Inchovy (exclam.): A variant of the Arab "inchallah", as to a hoped-for outcome or event, often uttered just before opening a box of pizza.

Keep it clean in there!

Jerry kept a big, unopened box of Tide on top of his washing machine. Though it never touched the clothes, it had a certain detergent value.

Schroedinger's Jukebox?

Florence was a quantum superposition: a little bit country, and a little bit rock and roll.

Guest claims "couldn't help it, just came out."

Reuters - Woman charged with involuntary man's laughter at Los Angeles celebrity roast ceremony.

No dunce that Duncan!

Duncan was involved in cutting edge research at Oneida Stainless, Inc.

I'd love to die that way just once before I...uh...die...

My cat just added catnip overdose to his kick-the-bucket list.

Fluff, the Haiku Vampire

Fluff, the Haiku Vampire

by Bruce Denby

Fluff, the Haiku Vampire, blogged lines by threes,
And climbed up through the Twitter stats far above the Wannabes,
Little Nietzche Market, loved that rascal Fluff,
And brought him mug & t-shirt deals, and other fancy stuff, oh,

Fluff, the Haiku Vampire, blogged lines by threes,
And climbed up through the Twitter stats far above the Wannabes,
Fluff, the Haiku Vampire, blogged lines by threes,
And climbed up through the Twitter stats far above the Wannabes,

Together they would prattle, on a theme of undead verse,
Fluff effused on love and death, while Nietzche held the purse,
Lonely geeks and housewives, would swoon where'er they came,
Normal folks bought useless crap at the drop of old Fluff's name, oh!

Fluff, the Haiku Vampire, blogged lines by threes,
And climbed up through the Twitter stats far above the Wannabes,
Fluff, the Haiku Vampire, blogged lines by threes,
And climbed up through the Twitter stats far above the Wannabes,

A vampire lives forever, but folks get eas'ly bored,
Gothic clothes and purple prose, at length, become a snore,
One grey night it happened, followers began to bail,
And Fluff that Haiku Vampire learned a brand new word called FAIL!

With head bent o'er the iPad, his posts all looked like dreck,
Fluff no longer sank his fangs into poetry's fine neck,
Without that business model, he'd lost his wholesome core,
So he switched to smut and insults, and folks loved him even more, LOL!

Fluff, the Haiku Vampire, blogged lines by threes,
And climbed up through the Twitter stats far above the Wannabes,
Fluff, the Haiku Vampire, blogged lines by threes,
And climbed up through the Twitter stats far above the Wannabes

Have signed up for an operation...

...to become artificially hip.

Dunno, never seen herbivore.....

"Can I join your dinosaurority?" inquired the diplodicus shyly.

Chuffed.

Just received an invitation to the big suicide bomber's convention in Kabul next month.

Have you tried...

Life Chex?

Where'd ya get the....

Permanent Halloween costume?

Science fun at home!

For today's experiment you'll need a bandsaw, an iPad, and fetal alcohol syndrome.

Playin' it safe....

Though drugs and alcohol were tempting escapes, Mary considered them too dangerous, and went insane instead.

Holdin' up his end....

Jasper was not one to shirk his responsibilities, so he always arranged not to have any.

When things get really tough, just....

Keep repeating "cassoulet" until the madness stops....

Uh-oh....

In the rotunda, Leon dropped his brush and felt a panic attack coming on when he realized there were no corners he could paint himself into.

If they'd done it on purpose, that'd be different...

The death was ruled accidental, so the judge ordered the victim immediately brought back to life.

Para ti maybe, dunno about mi....

Para bailar la bamba senescent feet need a poke in de assia.

Nobody's perfect?

God made just one mistake. He made it too easy for the creative output of individuals to be seen, appreciated, and rewarded by society.

Your dog will thank you for it....

Though Ricky's dalmatian barked in a high-pitched whine, he agreed to drop the "castrato" and start calling a spayed a spayed.

Slinkin', blinkin', 'n trod?

Reuters - Linguists prove a nod is 33% more effective than a wink.

A trod's as good as a slink to a land mine.

Sun to Eclipse Moon Sunday Night

SciNews: The sun will pass briefly between the earth and the moon Sunday night (12 February), replacing the moon's ghostly glow with the brilliance of the sun for about 15 minutes. The eclipse is to begin at 11:37 pm EST, and should be visible in North America, Europe, and parts of East Asia. Though rare at night, such Solar/Lunar Contingencies, as they are called, are common in Northern latitudes, but remain indistinguishable from full sunlight during daylight hours. Viewers wishing to photograph the event are reminded that direct exposure to sunlight can cause damage to the naked iPhone, and are advised to protect their mobile device with a dark plastic eclipse filter available from iTunes or in most pharmacies worldwide.

Must have run into a hedge fund...

Turns out I was just mind-bogglingly wealthy for one nanosecond and didn't even realize it.

Fighting back against the Asian revolution!

At first Rick wasn't sure that his idea for making cheaper weasel-poo coffee was going to fly, but finally he decided to gopher it.

Get some paper towels....

Consciousness hangs from me like poorly applied makeup.

I'm an aeolian, I'm a legal aeolian...

I'm not keen on all forms of renewable energy, but when it comes to wind power, I'm a big fan.

You can hardly blame him...

Reuters - Dracula receives singing cryptogram, converts to Scientology.

Unfounded dread of carnivorous fish....

Piranhoia.

Pizza Etiquette

Technically, you should only ask for pepperoni if you want a lot of it. For just a little bit, you should request pepperini.

Who says technology isn't sexy?

Have just experienced a nanothrill.

Perhaps not an important fact, but nonetheless true.

If I had my head on a stick, I could slip it over people's shoulders, peek around corners with it, and lend it out to use as a hobby horse.

Strap 'im on there good now....

Reuters - CIA switches from waterboarding to snowboarding after cold snap on eastern seabord.

No sense makin' a big deal out o' nothin'....

Emblazoned is just writ writ large. #lqw

Now where did I put my....

Jugglerope?

They live so far away....

Taking some time to re-introduce myself to my feet.

Better check the expiration date....

The remaining biscuits in the bottom of the box could tell stories of when their ingredients were created in a supernova explosion.

Unless they know something we don't....

Animals can't laugh because they lack intelligence. Turns out the smarter you are, the more you realize how everything is a total crackup.

Improbable product names.

Bardwhistler (Indian lager)

Marijuana Oblong (Cigar)

Storkbuilder (Stout)

Eggmarket Dorkwalk (Weissbier)

Cleanstrudle (Pilsner)

Mindbubble (Sauvignon)

Muscle Basket (Chardonnay)

Maserati Baldspot (Sports car)

Skunkwiggler (Porter)

Quackpuller (Zinfandel)

There's hope for all of us...

Once rehabilitated, the dirtbag became simply a jerk.

Pick your camp.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

More funding for research!!

BioMedNews - Scientists say a reset mechanism exists in the brain in case of death, which, however can only be activated by the person himself.

I'll get the candles!

We're having a little celebration for my pet chinchilla tonight. He just turned umpteen!

How many sides to a unilateral?

Andy thought the sketch looked more like a triangle than a square, but he didn't want to take sides.

Saviour energy.

"Die for my sins," he commanded, "or I'll blow your fucking brains out."

Message in a bottle?

The neighbors stopped by for a drink last night at 11 pm. I served them martinis with one part gin and two parts vamoose.

Well, nice try, though...

God's last words: It doesn't scale.