Ah, excuse me, uh....

John's command of Mandarin was somewhat limited. He gathered he either was or was not to be hanged in the morning.

Is *that* what that rattling noise is...

Rupert turned his brain into an internal deduction engine, with brilliant concepts pistonning back & forth between left & right hemispheres.

Some people can really keep their cool....

A sockful of seagull shit
Came flinging through the air
And landed on a sleeping nun
Who didn't seem to care.

Who turned out the lights?!

Mommy, why is the amount of visible matter in the universe unable to account for the observed orbital speeds of galaxies?

That certain nothing.....

Nothing in the air told Jerry today was going to be another ordinary, boring day.

Harold was getting harder and harder to understand...

When she finally did come to bed, she found him nude except for a Canadian flag worn as a diaper.

That you, Aunt Jemima?

Reuters - Pakistan quakes topple stack o' pancakes.

Now *that* is sloppy!

Reginald was so slovenly in his appearance that he once got carted away by the garbage men while waiting for a bus.

Gotta wash those vitamins down with something....

Man is unable to synthesize certain necessary aliments internally and must obtain them from his diet: vitamin-C, and alcohol, for example.

That'll teach 'em...

Harvey reckoned that though they might let him come up for air eventually, he wasn't going to hold his breath waiting for it.

A man needs his privacy...

The other day I ate my cake but still had it afterwards. Next thing you know I was contacted by the Thinnest Book of Rural Dreckers wanting to document the exploit, but I told them nothin' doin'.

Flamous philosophies....

Ghostliness is a crippled inchworm. - Jean-Paul Sartre

Measles vaccines are the rumba lessons of the incoherent. - Schopenhauer

Post-it Notes are the grape leaves of the simpleminded. - Descartes

Calamari are the gag condoms of the obstreperous. - Benjamin Disraeli

What the heck is *he* doing here?

Reuters - Parallel lions meet at infinity, embarassed silence ensues.

From the famous TV series, "Square Roots"

Behold, the only thing greater than or equal to yourself.

I'm afraid that has to go through the scanner, sir....

Louis always carried his pet ocelot in a varmint bag when he traveled, to avoid startling security agents.

This one's got your name on it!

When Scully seemed not to realize he was in no position to negotiate, Harry raised his gun and delivered the bulletin his brain most needed.

Ahoy there!

You're fencing with a scavenged bloodclot on that one, Mr. Eggplant!

Piece o' cake!

Hermann, on the other hand, could open a wine bottle with his pineal gland. Blindfolded.

Bad news for dilettantes....

You can only succeed at something you are passionate enough to sin for.

And a few hanging over it, too....

Gert's capacity for whiskey was renowned. He was rumored to have over 10,000 belts under his belt.

Mister personality.

Willis had a knack for slamming open doors in his own face just by trying to go through them.

Honey, it's for you!

When Jim realized she was still breathing, he picked up the phone and hit her with it again.

And that's where stuff comes from....

Stuff is ideas that had the balls to exist.

The Die is Cast - a tribute to Elmore James (via Stevie Ray)

The die is cast
Can't you feel the odds scrollin' down the list?
The die is cast
Can't you feel the odds scrollin' down the list?
I thought I knew the options
Turns out there's one I missed

I saw my future early one morning
As I was walking on down the street
I saw my future early one morning
As I was walking on down the street
And it scared me, scared me so bad
It nearly knocked me off my feet

I got a real, real fine feeling
That this life don't need me no more
I got a real, real fine feeling
That this life don't need me no more
You know the die is cast
Can't see you feel the odds knockin' on my door?

Knaveworthy. For that toasted-in gallic roundness!

Join the in-crowd. Snort Knaveworthy™ palimpsests.

Jimmy? What are you up to up there?

Jimmy had painstakingly carved a miniature boat out of a bottle stopper, but when he tried it in his bathtub, the corkscrew fell overboard.

Thoughtlessly, he knocked over the bottle trying to save them, and ended up having to notify the wineskin as well!

Fine kettle of fish!

Invisible Arapahos loitered furtively in the vestibule, as undergraduate cornflakes adorned the breezeway like besotted landmines.

Just add high water!

Panoramen (n): a noodle covered landscape.

Build your own hallucination!

Step 3: Place pigeon in erstwhile configuration with respect to vocal tract, while ensuring that gargled effusions ricochet into hyperspace.

Meteor-illogical tales #326

Cumulonimbulb (n): a person whose thinking becomes progressively more clouded as time goes on.

Extry, extry, read all about it!

PlanetaryNews - Mars bars Mars Bars.

Don't look now but....

Reuters - Oyster gradient stalls at -11. Global chaos feared.

Not to be blasé, but....

"Pass the muktuk" is the "Been there, done that" of the Aleutian Islands. - Mitt Romney

Fear of being crushed by a fat man in a confined space...

Elwin's dream was to become a chimney sweep, but his application was always rejected when they found out about his santaclaustrophobia.

C'mere, this one lacks originality....

Boat launches were suspended as the dock underwent pier review.

And quit Roman around....

When in doubt, do as the dubious.

Obseque and ye shall find....

Obsequiousness is the clip-on necktie of the scallywag. - Molière