Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!

De LinkedIn he sent me out a (pause) up-date!
De LinkedIn he sent me out a (pause) up-date!
De LinkedIn he sent me out a (pause) up-date!
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!

Your new boss now connected to your (pause) old boss,
Your old boss now connected to your (pause) ex-wife,
Your ex-wife now connected to your (pause) banker,
Your banker now connected to your (pause) landlord,
Your landlord now connected to your (pause) brainstem,
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!

Dem links, dem links gon-na slink a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na slink a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na slink a-roun'
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!

Your brainstem now connected to your (pause) mid-brain,
Your mid-brain now connected to your (pause) fore-brain,
Your fore-brain now connected to your (pause) mindset,
Your mindset now connected to your (pause) new job,
Your new job now connected to your (pause) new boss,
Your new boss now connected to your (pause) paycheck,
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!

Dem links, dem links gon-na come a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na come a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na come a-roun'
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!

Once again proving smoking is dangerous for your health

Reuters - Hearse driver killed by falling corpse while taking cigarette break.

Oof! Try that again...

From every mountainside, get freedom wrong.

The first corridor story...

Finally the Wormhole Police caught up with Salazar and arrested him for cherry-picking parallel universes. #corridorstories

How to get that special someone to deck your halls?

Chanel's New Holiday Fragrance, "Electric Drill". Plywood and steel base. Top notes of failing brushes, grit. Solvents of machine oil, ethanol.

Triple Talak Whammy

Manel, my belle
By my words I send you right to hell
My Manel
I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you
That's all I need to say
Because that is the way
Of the triple talak whammy you need
Not understand....

It's not The Fly, it's what's behind his fly!

Unbeknownst to Seth, someone had forgotten a soldapult inside the Telepod. That night with Veronica, he discovered the horrid consequences.

Well then what was that stuff we just....

Reuters - Scientists prove there is no such thing as eggnog. Phenomenon attributed to collective hysteria.

While blindfolded!!

Two year old girl covers Alvin Lee's "I'm Goin' Home" on the ukelele on Youtube.

Neckties?

What doesn't strangle you makes you cooler.

A fava fave!!

Chilling out with a bowl of fava beans and the Yancy Derringer theme on full blast!

Sweet Betsy O'Pike is back!

A mythical washtub the size of a spoon.
A dog that adapts to the phase of the moon.
Singin' haiku karaoke, Calais!

Two sides of the same coin?

Ame-soeur ou hameçon ?

Thanks for tuning in!

It's 11:47 Grits-n-Hot-Sauce time here in Euphoria.

A lad we'll be hearing from....

Bullshit cloaked in certainty.

Wals 'r us!!

Portorican putzfrau
Ugly leather jacket
Ethanol beleaguered skunk, Miranda munchkin pie
I am an eggplant
We are all eggplants
I am the ringtone! Bebopalu!

Hey, move over!

Reuters - Slowing of universe expansion leads to cosmic crowding. Parallel universes to co-exist on rotation basis starting mid 2012.

Technology and a half....

After tracking the parcel across the world online it was a letdown when it finally arrived & contained only the stupid item Bob had ordered.

Got any ointment?

Hedlund had been accosted by giant marine reptiles so many times, it made his ichthyosaur.

Old aphorisms die hard...

The best things in life are outside your budget.

Coming soon to a gravestone near you!

Birth is a life sentence.
Life is a death sentence.
Does it end with period or a comma?

Send in your nominations!

The person who most nearly resembles a proboscis monkey. Award to be given.

Take two tweets and call me in the morning

Instant relief for Twitter sufferers.

A new Occupy slogan?

Pie hole to poo hole
And all that goes between
Tout est bon dans le cochon
Pass the mustard please!

Digital laments.....

I always wondered why love songs are full of references to the telephone or the radio, but never to email or SMS's. Here's a start:

To the tune of "Sit right down and write myself a letter":

I'll smile and say I hope you're feelin' female
And sign "with love" the way you do
I'm gonna sit right down and write myself an email
And make believe it came from you

And for the cellphone, to the tune of "Call Me":

wen ur feeling sad & lonely
thrs a service i cn render
tell the 1 who <3 u only
i cn b so warm & tender
txt me dt b afraid u cn txt me
may b its l8 but just txt me
tell me & il b around

More fun from the leadup to Christmas...

And a cartridge in an M3!

Some fancy talker!

By the end of the phone call, Lonnie had become a legend on his own dime.

Its the economy, stupid!

Seeing only chaos in the months to come, Coggins began stockpiling Metamucil.

Is it Diana, or is it Phil?

You cannery love, snowshoe Gustave Kuwait, pick a slav dotcom easy, Itzhak gamma given tape.

Hey, wake up...

Consciousness is a continuously updating internal model of reality fueled by the transformation of raw sensory inputs into knowledge.

Especially the part about the right to remain silent!

Mel always read the kids their Miranda rights when he tucked them in each evening.

Ouch!

Bereave that and I'll kill you another one.

Gets the dust off too!

Merrill always whipped the soles of his feet with his socks before putting them on. It served no purpose, but he enjoyed the rigor of it.

Sing it!

A gritty pearl is like a melody.

The bye-bye know

Everyone thinks I'm crazy in here. The worst part is wondering how I'll survive from one moment to the next. There's no end to moments. Time is a string of them, one after another, forever. Fear, fear, fear...count it off...fear, fear, fear... Will they cycle a little slower this time, let me catch my breath and rest on the landing, or will it all unravel and turn into a mineshaft like the last time?

Why is this happening to me? What is supposed to happen next? Who am I? So many questions. All the same question. To be more than a bead sliding along a string, I have to know. To be more than fear, I must know. It became my mantra...got to know, got to know, got to know...count it off...got to know, got to know, got to know.

Finally it crystallized, exploded. It was fear itself I clung to, riding on the back of a whale through the ocean, battered about and trailing the truth behind me like a string of kelp that riffled through my fingers. I knew. Then fear set in again. How do I know?! How do I know? A wave drew upon me, ready to crash. How do I know?! Then it broke, tumbling me head over heels in a churning, gurgling maelstrom, bubbles flecked with distant sunlight dancing around my head. I tried to swim. Which way to the light? Which way to safety? The world spun and How do I know?! echoed again in my ears.

I stood on an impossible plain, planted my heels, cocked my head, put my hands brazenly on my hips, addressing the aqueous gargantua that continued to lash at me from the shore. "How do I know?" I replied, "The bye-bye know." Poseidon retracted his trident and froze into a statue.

The bye-bye know.

I was alone. I was always alone, but now I was alone with myself. I held fear at bay now because somewhere in the moments that lay ahead...this one?, this one?, this one?...count it off...one of them held a simple, unmalleable truth: The bye-bye know.

Someone called Rebecca was here. She knew my name, and she told it to me. She knows the bye-bye know too. She sang it for me like Tennessee Ernie did. A scratch on the record and it bounced: How do I know? The bye bye know, The bye-bye know, The bye-bye know...count it off...the bye-bye know, over and over, forever.

She said it was a long, long time ago. The massive old HiFi as big as a chest of drawers. We counted it off together. And afterwards I felt better.

Incandescent dimbulb...

If you're conscious and you know it blink your eyes
If you're conscious and you know it blink your eyes
If you're conscious and you know it an EEG will surely show it
If you're conscious and you know it blink your eyes

Nothing out of the extraordinary...

Last night children dressed as giraffes floated down the street breathing from helium packs.

It was a marketing thing...

NeferTiti was a rare jewel, but it was her sister AlwaysTiti who really got around.

Never to have been...

Together on a high mountain. Below, a river, a city. I descended from on high, jumped into the river, waded across, made it to the city. I took the cable car. Inside I tried to use the intercom to talk to her back on the mountain. We were to meet again. I had something for her, something to deliver. It was a small defenseless creature that I had managed to snatch from danger against all hope. I knew she would be overjoyed to see it again, assumed disappeared, destroyed, devoured, gone. The intercom was not working. The conductor told me to suck on the wall, to release the pressure lock.

I contacted her, we set up the appointment. It was to be a grand moment, one of those rare moments in life when you succeed against all odds, an emotional reunion, boundless joy at your good fortune, a sense of deservedness. In anticipation of arrival, the conductor opened the doors as we glided above the world. Below it was dark, the lights of the city. The kitten danced along the edge of the doorsill, tanatalized by the view below. I sensed danger, could she fall? No, I thought, an animal has a survival instinct. Still, there could be an accident. She darted from one open door to the other, slipped, fell out, shot like a meteor into the darkness, disappeared. The moment was over, finished, never to have been. I saw seagulls plying the dark sky, would they see her, catch her up? But no. Gone.

Good thing it was a red...

The sommelier's imprecise trimming of the foil capsule caused Michael to cut his lip when he drank from the bottle.

Apparently so....

Something died inside when she asked if it would kill me to be nice.

What better way to thank your turkey...

Out of respect for the dead, Willis had his Thanksgiving turkey's genome sequenced and printed as a bar code on napkin rings.

Aint one thing it's another....

That's the trouble with extant prehistoric fish, it's coelecan, coelecanth.

Come to our Annual Fuckoff. Er....

To generate new business, the hookers decided to band together and organize an Annual Fuckoff.

Disclaimer?

Any opinions expressed here are purely coincidental.

So think before you poign....

Nothing is more heartbreaking than an unwanted poignancy.

Put that in your smoke and pipe it!

When things seem too good to be true, psychologists say we are experiencing the Dyden-Winterhaven phenomenon.

Poor fella tuckered out....

There wasn't much too it, but Tucker had a way of making the whole thing look difficult.

'Twas the seal of approval, don't ya see...

Harold didn't care who knew and he trumpeted it from on high. He was in love with a seal!

Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast

I know a nutcase ditsy as a fruitfly
Wrinkly as a prune yet shiny as the moon
Some call it freebase, others call it schmaltz
But they all sing this tune:

Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast 'n piddled pramzer grimy
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue?
Yes! Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast 'n piddled pramzer grimy
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue?

If the words strike fear & rattle in your ear, a little bit nickle & dimey
Sing quairs eat toast & hos eat toast & piddled prams are grimey

Oh! Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast 'n piddled pramzer grimy
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue-oo?
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue?

Billy, leave your sister alone!

Vade, mecum stop it!

Let me put that another way....

An ill-placed spoonerism caused William to lose Linda's respect when he asked her to breed his log.

Weed it and reap...

The Wikipedia page on Hulk Hogan has 227 footnotes. Albert Einstein's has 96.

The Battered Hymn of the Republic

Mayonnaise obscene thug lorry off thick hummin' awful ward
Heinous trap lookout a windex wire dug rips up rafters torn
Heinous blues defeat fortnightly office charitable stiff sores
Witloof is part Klingon
Glow, re-glow, inchallah hula
Glow, re-glow, inchallah hula
Glow, re-glow, inchallah hula
Witloof is part Klingon

His truth is marching and chewing gum at the same time!

My ears ring with the glory of the humming of the lord.

Now that's not funny...

Reuters - UK study predicts all possible jokes will have been told by 2123.

Maybe it's still in his wastebasket....

I believe the damaged crown my dentist removed from my tooth yesterday may have contained my soul.

Horn O'Plenty

Sing a song of sixth sense/ A rocket full of pie/ Cornucopia backwards/ Sucks you till you die

Today's special: The Loose Noose

Hanging out at the Burgers of Calais restaurant, in Normandy!

That's not sharing, kippered herring

Kippered herring, kippered herring, herring herring, kipper kipper
That's not sharing, that's not sharing, sharing sharing, that's not that's not

Friedrich the Friendly Philosopher!

He always says hello, 'cause he's really Friedrich Nietzsche
Wherever he may go, he expounds on every living creature!
Most folks don't understand what Nietzsche really has on offer
But lot's of farts think he gives them smarts, Friedrich the friendly philosopher!

Heck, how much could that be?

There'll be hell to pay, but we can afford it.

I'm afraid you'll have to come with me sir...

Meeting participants were searched at the door to ensure they weren't carrying any hidden agendas.

I'll grant you that....

How did early scientists create fire? By rubbing two funding requests together.