The Hostess (apologies to Kenny Rogers)

At a fashion store one day, in a mall in th'middle o'nowhere
I met up with a hostess, she was chewin' out the staff
Then we took turns tryin' on our chosen garments in the change room
'Til we bumped into each other, and we began to laugh

She said, "Honey, I made a life o' bein' the one they all have eyes on
At soirées full of VIPs, no matter what the price
And if you don't mind my sayin', looks like there's one on your horizon
So if you'll buy me a cappuccino, I'll give you some advice."

Well I took her to the Starbucks and I gave the barista five bucks
As she tidied up her lipstick, and asked me how it looked
Then a hush came o'er the mall as she kinked up a well-plucked eyebrow
'N said, "If you wanna play the game, dear, you have to play it by the book

You have to know when to jive 'em, know when to high five 'em
Know when to walk the walk and know when to joke
You never count the silverware while your guests are at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when they go to grab their coats

Now every hostess knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to RSVP and knowing when to snob
'Cause every party's an orgy and every party's a fun'ral
And the hallmark of success is not to wake up next to some slob."

Then when she'd finished speakin', pushed back her chair and stood up
Fiddled with her shopping bags and dis'ppeared in the crowd
And as I watched her fade away, I knew I'd come to one conclusion,
There's no way I'd want someone like that in my house, cryin' out loud

You have to know when to jive 'em, know when to high five 'em
Know when to walk the walk and know when to joke
You never count the silverware while your guests are at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when they go to grab their coats