Thursday, December 22, 2011
I aint just whistlin' Dixie.
When society denies you a place, you may begin early to enjoy the wisdom of the dead.
Times like this, family's all a man's got...
Here, let me show you a little trick my grandfather always refused to divulge to me but I finally figured out for myself.
How's the weather up there, Brad?
Stars get big salaries for the same reason that flags are put on poles.
It just might get a little better, in fact.
Chilling with surimi and chloroform at The Stagnant Pool, in Fiddlehead, KY!
Penduler, pendulee?
Why do they call it a pendulum? That "um" at the end makes it seem like they're not really certain. Is that why they keep changing position?
A Gore-Tex Threesome
One of which (guess which) had the honor of being retweeted by Gore-Tex itself!!
To show he was attuned to the lifestyles of his young congregation, the wise Rabbi Kunkle had a kippa sewn from cerebral Gore-Tex.
The blood-brain barrier restricts diffusion of bacteria to the brain while allowing the entry of hormones - a cerebral GoreTex, if you will.
Our hair protects us from cold, wind & moisture while at the same time allowing heat & perspiration to escape - sort of a cerebral GoreTex.
BONUS FEATURE: for readers of this blog only, a FOURTH Gore-Tex tweet!!
Perkell referred to the hood on his anorak as his "cerebral Gore-Tex".
To show he was attuned to the lifestyles of his young congregation, the wise Rabbi Kunkle had a kippa sewn from cerebral Gore-Tex.
The blood-brain barrier restricts diffusion of bacteria to the brain while allowing the entry of hormones - a cerebral GoreTex, if you will.
Our hair protects us from cold, wind & moisture while at the same time allowing heat & perspiration to escape - sort of a cerebral GoreTex.
BONUS FEATURE: for readers of this blog only, a FOURTH Gore-Tex tweet!!
Perkell referred to the hood on his anorak as his "cerebral Gore-Tex".
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
In memory of...whichever one just died.
Now the Kim Jong-eun on the twelfth night
Told the Kim-Il Sung that things weren't right
Dad's complexion he said is much too white
Told the Kim-Il Sung that things weren't right
Dad's complexion he said is much too white
Anything else on?
The 3D digital rendering of the film's characters had an astonishing, why-should-I-care realism to it.
Battens bending
The captain assured the passengers they wouldn't see the likes of such a storm again. There were battens bending, he explained.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Today's neologism. Patents pending.
Psychosophy (n): from the Greek psyche (soul) + sophia (wisdom); wisdom or knowledge intrinsic to the soul rather than the intellect.
Waking up dead
Some days I wake up dead and some days I wake up alive. I've never been able to work out what the pattern of it is.
When I'm dead it's always dark, I'm always inside, and everything's exactly the way I left it. I can set a dish of ice cream on the coffee table and it will still be there the next time, with the spoon still stuck in it ready for the next bite. There are probably windows out there somewhere, but somehow the idea isn't relevant.
When I'm alive it's completely different. Things have been going along without me but just all of a sudden I'm there and I know exactly what I'm supposed to do and I remember everything that happened up until then, even though it's a complete surprise. There's no adjustment period, I just slip right into it. Sometimes I'm right in the middle of a conversation and the next word pops out without a hitch. Or I could be in an airplane, or making love, or falling down the stairs, and then all of a sudden I'm back in the room in the dark.
I'm dead right now. I don't feel like any ice cream so I just stick it in a corner. It will still be there later but it doesn't matter if I put it far enough away. There are magazines under the coffee table but it's too dark to read. There's probably a light switch somewhere but it's not an issue. Even the light in the refrigerator doesn't work. Electricity could be off. There's never any noise unless I make it. I think, what if I started screaming, but I don't feel like screaming. Calm. Very calm. Sometimes you can imagine a train in the distance or a police siren but it can't be real. I can hear myself breathing, hear my heart beating if I'm very still. Even though I'm dead. If I close my eyelids and roll my eyes, there are bright flashes. The only light there is. I pull the blanket around myself, curl up. Try to sleep, would like to sleep, but it never works. There's an oyster fork under the couch. Must have fallen there. I could put it back in the drawer with the others, but there'll always be time for that. What I can do now is this. I'm not writing it. I just think it and it's there. Forever. The words will always be there just the way I left them. Hanging in the air like a layer of alphabet soup. I push them and they spin and tumble. I can hold them in place with toothpicks, or, when they dry, scotch tape. There could be scotch in the liquor cabinet underneath the hutch, but it isn't an issue. Who needs booze when you're dead?
What do you need when you're dead? Not time. There's all the time in the world. But there's no boredom, no impatience, no longing, no fear, no dread, no regrets. Sometimes I think I like death better than life. You're not supposed to cry here. Actually it doesn't work. It sort of just doesn't come up. Like sleep. I think the most important think is to keep it going. Hold it there, keep it all here in the open. Where else does it need to be? Life. Everything moving around, always changing places. Putting things away, throwing things away, organizing things. Why put things away? No one will ever touch them. Leave them where they are. That's not the issue. The important thing is to be here. You don't need to be anywhere else. Everywhere is the same. What matters here is what happens when all that stops.
When I'm dead it's always dark, I'm always inside, and everything's exactly the way I left it. I can set a dish of ice cream on the coffee table and it will still be there the next time, with the spoon still stuck in it ready for the next bite. There are probably windows out there somewhere, but somehow the idea isn't relevant.
When I'm alive it's completely different. Things have been going along without me but just all of a sudden I'm there and I know exactly what I'm supposed to do and I remember everything that happened up until then, even though it's a complete surprise. There's no adjustment period, I just slip right into it. Sometimes I'm right in the middle of a conversation and the next word pops out without a hitch. Or I could be in an airplane, or making love, or falling down the stairs, and then all of a sudden I'm back in the room in the dark.
I'm dead right now. I don't feel like any ice cream so I just stick it in a corner. It will still be there later but it doesn't matter if I put it far enough away. There are magazines under the coffee table but it's too dark to read. There's probably a light switch somewhere but it's not an issue. Even the light in the refrigerator doesn't work. Electricity could be off. There's never any noise unless I make it. I think, what if I started screaming, but I don't feel like screaming. Calm. Very calm. Sometimes you can imagine a train in the distance or a police siren but it can't be real. I can hear myself breathing, hear my heart beating if I'm very still. Even though I'm dead. If I close my eyelids and roll my eyes, there are bright flashes. The only light there is. I pull the blanket around myself, curl up. Try to sleep, would like to sleep, but it never works. There's an oyster fork under the couch. Must have fallen there. I could put it back in the drawer with the others, but there'll always be time for that. What I can do now is this. I'm not writing it. I just think it and it's there. Forever. The words will always be there just the way I left them. Hanging in the air like a layer of alphabet soup. I push them and they spin and tumble. I can hold them in place with toothpicks, or, when they dry, scotch tape. There could be scotch in the liquor cabinet underneath the hutch, but it isn't an issue. Who needs booze when you're dead?
What do you need when you're dead? Not time. There's all the time in the world. But there's no boredom, no impatience, no longing, no fear, no dread, no regrets. Sometimes I think I like death better than life. You're not supposed to cry here. Actually it doesn't work. It sort of just doesn't come up. Like sleep. I think the most important think is to keep it going. Hold it there, keep it all here in the open. Where else does it need to be? Life. Everything moving around, always changing places. Putting things away, throwing things away, organizing things. Why put things away? No one will ever touch them. Leave them where they are. That's not the issue. The important thing is to be here. You don't need to be anywhere else. Everywhere is the same. What matters here is what happens when all that stops.
Hey, you a cowboy?
Azawa zawakin dastritzala redo
Azawa zawakinla Redowan dey
Aïespy dayunkab oyal Dresden waïtlinnen
Al Dresden waïtlinnen azbrydazde dey!
Azawa zawakinla Redowan dey
Aïespy dayunkab oyal Dresden waïtlinnen
Al Dresden waïtlinnen azbrydazde dey!
The book that's its own sequel....
NowWriting - Twitter, Booze, and Bodyfat: The Decay of the Higgs Boson
Oh, stop barking at me!!
The startup with Rick's brother and sister-in-law to transform old stumps into custom furniture was turning into a tree-ring circus.
And scallions for my eyes and my nose...
Like a tofu snowman / Towering high o'er the rice in a soy-splattered kimono
Online shopping tip #756
Feldspar nose rings. Hand carved and inlaid. One size fits all. £14 ea., 2 for £25.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Hey you! Yeah you!
At his job as a convenience store clerk, Nick had taken to keeping a weapon he referred to as a "sod off shotgun".
Haricots again....
"Frijoles!" the black colossus announced joyously as he lofted the steaming plate of beans skyward, "the only thing greater than yourself!!"
From the epic novel, "Beans", tracing the role of the humble flageolet in the development of modern civilization.
From the epic novel, "Beans", tracing the role of the humble flageolet in the development of modern civilization.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Available in Larry, Curly, and more!
Hand-painted ceramic stooge warmers, perfect for that last-minute special someone. Dishwasher & microwave safe. 3 for $5. Imported.
Had to take him to the vet afterwards for a collapsed wavefunction
Schroedinger gave his cat a whack on the head when he caught him thinking outside the box.
We got our reputation to think of....
House rules prohibited selling whisky to anyone unless it was at least 21 years old.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I smell a rat...wait no it's a dog!
Pookie smelled foul weather as the K9 Corps began to debark onto the beaches of Arômates.
Really?
That morning at reveille, the reviled Reeves revelled in the revelation of what their revolving rivalry had revealed.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
If ya catch my drift....
Kent gave up chasing the ducks across the calcareous rock deposits of the lake because it was tufa canard.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
OriginOfNames #279
OriginOfNames - Instant coffee inventor Jason Sanborn added hot water to his latest concoction, took a sip, and instantly started coughing.
The word was wont. Wasn't it?
To buy or not to buy, that is the question/Content with mine but tempted by the shimmer of newfangled gizmos, although I want one, wont won.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A saucy wench....
Alessandra stared at him like a freeze-dried manatee. Had this man no Worcestershire?
Always worked before...
During the match, Walt poured boiling water into his TV set to make instant replay.
Friday, December 9, 2011
The nerve!
A kornfluger whimpled in off the balcony, skrinking and shaffing, onomotized that his favorite burflip had been glozzed.
I come to seize Mayberry, not praise it!
Obsequiousness is the lobster bib of the skinflint. - Andy Griffith
The origin of faces...
When Wilfred learned that mountains were the result of plate tectonics, he wondered if this was also how the nose arose.
Over time, eyes evolved, because people kept bumping into stuff.
Over time, eyes evolved, because people kept bumping into stuff.
That's usin' your head!
To make sure his family could collect on the insurance, Jeff planned to shoot himself in the head twice, so it wouldn't look like a suicide.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Sooner or Lederhosen
NowReading: Sooner or Lederhosen - Fun in Leather Breeches, by Hartmut Pränkster.
Don't let it go to your head.
Once he'd applied the formula to his scalp Stan's hair grew so fast that his head imploded from the recoil.
Can't you follow instructions?!
Oh yes, you've definitely nailed it, but it was *pimp* roll we were working on there, not *chimp* roll!
Hey, you're wear-it is spilling!
"Did you put the beer in the cooler and the hamburgers on the grill like I asked you?"
"Oh, the spirit is chilling, but the flesh is steak."
"Oh, the spirit is chilling, but the flesh is steak."
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Hey Jude Cover #4329
Hedge udon may kit bag, tickets hats on, gamay kit batter.
Rim ember, tool ladder undo Erskine, Danube he grin, tomb a kit bed her.
Rim ember, tool ladder undo Erskine, Danube he grin, tomb a kit bed her.
Did somebody just go "ho ho ho"?
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Forgotten Password, I shall fear no man.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Algerian remake of To Have and Have Not
You know how to ululate, don't you, Steve? You just put your vocal chords together, and hoot.
I think there's still some candied yams in the back of the fridge...
Thanksgivings used to be more elaborate. Since Mom passed away, all we've been serving is leftovers from her last one.
Hey Rev, do Melancholy Baby again!
The reverend's didgeridoo was as commodious as it was melodious. #lqw
Bygones be bygones?
I realized then that I should thank him, and I vowed that I would, the instant before his head rolled across the floor.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The wrest is history....
On this day 850 years go, the young Genghis Khan was arrested in Central Asia for hoarding mongols.
Wreck the halls in bouts of folly
Wreck the halls in bouts of folly, tra la la la la, la la la la
Who needs reasons to be jolly?, tra la la la la, la la la la
Drink we beer right from the barrel, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Act retarded like Will Ferrell, tra la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing fools we are, us, tra la la la la, la la la la
In our attics, it's ToysRUs, tra la la la la, la la la la
Slash and burn things just for pleasure, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Oh, the joys of Yuletide leisure, tra la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the old year passes, tra la la la la, la la la la
Time to go and kick some asses, tra la la la la, la la la la
Fling we boyish, trash and feathers, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Let's all go to hell together, tra la la la la, la la la laaaa!
Who needs reasons to be jolly?, tra la la la la, la la la la
Drink we beer right from the barrel, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Act retarded like Will Ferrell, tra la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing fools we are, us, tra la la la la, la la la la
In our attics, it's ToysRUs, tra la la la la, la la la la
Slash and burn things just for pleasure, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Oh, the joys of Yuletide leisure, tra la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the old year passes, tra la la la la, la la la la
Time to go and kick some asses, tra la la la la, la la la la
Fling we boyish, trash and feathers, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Let's all go to hell together, tra la la la la, la la la laaaa!
Oh right, sorry!
What are you doing here?! I said prison, not person. I want to see you in *prison*.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Have you seen this cat?
"What I can tell you," said Schroedinger's Cat, "with all the attention I've been getting lately, it's great to feel wanted, dead or alive!"
Green's Leaves?
I lost my glove, your toupée rang
To catch me offshore this courgette's leap
Four-eyes half loaf, juice oulong
Reach hoisin injured cup o'tea.
To catch me offshore this courgette's leap
Four-eyes half loaf, juice oulong
Reach hoisin injured cup o'tea.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Hat's off to the sun. Got sunscreen? Got hair?
The tireless sun
In its orbit on high
From dawn until sunset
Traces pi in the sky.
In its orbit on high
From dawn until sunset
Traces pi in the sky.
NOW do you get it?!
The humor of his response was hidden like the numeral in a color blindness test.
Behind the mask lurks a great intellect....
Doggie bags are the interpersonal relationships of the dumbfounded. - Zorro
Get that phone out of your mouth!
When I was a kid we played Mumbledy Peg. Today kids play Mobildy Vice.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
De LinkedIn he sent me out a (pause) up-date!
De LinkedIn he sent me out a (pause) up-date!
De LinkedIn he sent me out a (pause) up-date!
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
Your new boss now connected to your (pause) old boss,
Your old boss now connected to your (pause) ex-wife,
Your ex-wife now connected to your (pause) banker,
Your banker now connected to your (pause) landlord,
Your landlord now connected to your (pause) brainstem,
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
Dem links, dem links gon-na slink a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na slink a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na slink a-roun'
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
Your brainstem now connected to your (pause) mid-brain,
Your mid-brain now connected to your (pause) fore-brain,
Your fore-brain now connected to your (pause) mindset,
Your mindset now connected to your (pause) new job,
Your new job now connected to your (pause) new boss,
Your new boss now connected to your (pause) paycheck,
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
Dem links, dem links gon-na come a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na come a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na come a-roun'
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
De LinkedIn he sent me out a (pause) up-date!
De LinkedIn he sent me out a (pause) up-date!
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
Your new boss now connected to your (pause) old boss,
Your old boss now connected to your (pause) ex-wife,
Your ex-wife now connected to your (pause) banker,
Your banker now connected to your (pause) landlord,
Your landlord now connected to your (pause) brainstem,
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
Dem links, dem links gon-na slink a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na slink a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na slink a-roun'
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
Your brainstem now connected to your (pause) mid-brain,
Your mid-brain now connected to your (pause) fore-brain,
Your fore-brain now connected to your (pause) mindset,
Your mindset now connected to your (pause) new job,
Your new job now connected to your (pause) new boss,
Your new boss now connected to your (pause) paycheck,
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
Dem links, dem links gon-na come a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na come a-roun'
Dem links, dem links gon-na come a-roun'
Join the LinkedIn Profile of the Lord!
Once again proving smoking is dangerous for your health
Reuters - Hearse driver killed by falling corpse while taking cigarette break.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The first corridor story...
Finally the Wormhole Police caught up with Salazar and arrested him for cherry-picking parallel universes. #corridorstories
How to get that special someone to deck your halls?
Chanel's New Holiday Fragrance, "Electric Drill". Plywood and steel base. Top notes of failing brushes, grit. Solvents of machine oil, ethanol.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Triple Talak Whammy
Manel, my belle
By my words I send you right to hell
My Manel
I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you
That's all I need to say
Because that is the way
Of the triple talak whammy you need
Not understand....
By my words I send you right to hell
My Manel
I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you
That's all I need to say
Because that is the way
Of the triple talak whammy you need
Not understand....
It's not The Fly, it's what's behind his fly!
Unbeknownst to Seth, someone had forgotten a soldapult inside the Telepod. That night with Veronica, he discovered the horrid consequences.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Well then what was that stuff we just....
Reuters - Scientists prove there is no such thing as eggnog. Phenomenon attributed to collective hysteria.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
While blindfolded!!
Two year old girl covers Alvin Lee's "I'm Goin' Home" on the ukelele on Youtube.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Sweet Betsy O'Pike is back!
A mythical washtub the size of a spoon.
A dog that adapts to the phase of the moon.
Singin' haiku karaoke, Calais!
A dog that adapts to the phase of the moon.
Singin' haiku karaoke, Calais!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wals 'r us!!
Portorican putzfrau
Ugly leather jacket
Ethanol beleaguered skunk, Miranda munchkin pie
I am an eggplant
We are all eggplants
I am the ringtone! Bebopalu!
Ugly leather jacket
Ethanol beleaguered skunk, Miranda munchkin pie
I am an eggplant
We are all eggplants
I am the ringtone! Bebopalu!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Hey, move over!
Reuters - Slowing of universe expansion leads to cosmic crowding. Parallel universes to co-exist on rotation basis starting mid 2012.
Technology and a half....
After tracking the parcel across the world online it was a letdown when it finally arrived & contained only the stupid item Bob had ordered.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Got any ointment?
Hedlund had been accosted by giant marine reptiles so many times, it made his ichthyosaur.
Coming soon to a gravestone near you!
Birth is a life sentence.
Life is a death sentence.
Does it end with period or a comma?
Life is a death sentence.
Does it end with period or a comma?
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Send in your nominations!
The person who most nearly resembles a proboscis monkey. Award to be given.
A new Occupy slogan?
Pie hole to poo hole
And all that goes between
Tout est bon dans le cochon
Pass the mustard please!
And all that goes between
Tout est bon dans le cochon
Pass the mustard please!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Digital laments.....
I always wondered why love songs are full of references to the telephone or the radio, but never to email or SMS's. Here's a start:
To the tune of "Sit right down and write myself a letter":
I'll smile and say I hope you're feelin' female
And sign "with love" the way you do
I'm gonna sit right down and write myself an email
And make believe it came from you
And for the cellphone, to the tune of "Call Me":
wen ur feeling sad & lonely
thrs a service i cn render
tell the 1 who <3 u only
i cn b so warm & tender
txt me dt b afraid u cn txt me
may b its l8 but just txt me
tell me & il b around
To the tune of "Sit right down and write myself a letter":
I'll smile and say I hope you're feelin' female
And sign "with love" the way you do
I'm gonna sit right down and write myself an email
And make believe it came from you
And for the cellphone, to the tune of "Call Me":
wen ur feeling sad & lonely
thrs a service i cn render
tell the 1 who <3 u only
i cn b so warm & tender
txt me dt b afraid u cn txt me
may b its l8 but just txt me
tell me & il b around
Its the economy, stupid!
Seeing only chaos in the months to come, Coggins began stockpiling Metamucil.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Is it Diana, or is it Phil?
You cannery love, snowshoe Gustave Kuwait, pick a slav dotcom easy, Itzhak gamma given tape.
Hey, wake up...
Consciousness is a continuously updating internal model of reality fueled by the transformation of raw sensory inputs into knowledge.
Especially the part about the right to remain silent!
Mel always read the kids their Miranda rights when he tucked them in each evening.
Gets the dust off too!
Merrill always whipped the soles of his feet with his socks before putting them on. It served no purpose, but he enjoyed the rigor of it.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
The bye-bye know
Everyone thinks I'm crazy in here. The worst part is wondering how I'll survive from one moment to the next. There's no end to moments. Time is a string of them, one after another, forever. Fear, fear, fear...count it off...fear, fear, fear... Will they cycle a little slower this time, let me catch my breath and rest on the landing, or will it all unravel and turn into a mineshaft like the last time?
Why is this happening to me? What is supposed to happen next? Who am I? So many questions. All the same question. To be more than a bead sliding along a string, I have to know. To be more than fear, I must know. It became my mantra...got to know, got to know, got to know...count it off...got to know, got to know, got to know.
Finally it crystallized, exploded. It was fear itself I clung to, riding on the back of a whale through the ocean, battered about and trailing the truth behind me like a string of kelp that riffled through my fingers. I knew. Then fear set in again. How do I know?! How do I know? A wave drew upon me, ready to crash. How do I know?! Then it broke, tumbling me head over heels in a churning, gurgling maelstrom, bubbles flecked with distant sunlight dancing around my head. I tried to swim. Which way to the light? Which way to safety? The world spun and How do I know?! echoed again in my ears.
I stood on an impossible plain, planted my heels, cocked my head, put my hands brazenly on my hips, addressing the aqueous gargantua that continued to lash at me from the shore. "How do I know?" I replied, "The bye-bye know." Poseidon retracted his trident and froze into a statue.
The bye-bye know.
I was alone. I was always alone, but now I was alone with myself. I held fear at bay now because somewhere in the moments that lay ahead...this one?, this one?, this one?...count it off...one of them held a simple, unmalleable truth: The bye-bye know.
Someone called Rebecca was here. She knew my name, and she told it to me. She knows the bye-bye know too. She sang it for me like Tennessee Ernie did. A scratch on the record and it bounced: How do I know? The bye bye know, The bye-bye know, The bye-bye know...count it off...the bye-bye know, over and over, forever.
She said it was a long, long time ago. The massive old HiFi as big as a chest of drawers. We counted it off together. And afterwards I felt better.
Why is this happening to me? What is supposed to happen next? Who am I? So many questions. All the same question. To be more than a bead sliding along a string, I have to know. To be more than fear, I must know. It became my mantra...got to know, got to know, got to know...count it off...got to know, got to know, got to know.
Finally it crystallized, exploded. It was fear itself I clung to, riding on the back of a whale through the ocean, battered about and trailing the truth behind me like a string of kelp that riffled through my fingers. I knew. Then fear set in again. How do I know?! How do I know? A wave drew upon me, ready to crash. How do I know?! Then it broke, tumbling me head over heels in a churning, gurgling maelstrom, bubbles flecked with distant sunlight dancing around my head. I tried to swim. Which way to the light? Which way to safety? The world spun and How do I know?! echoed again in my ears.
I stood on an impossible plain, planted my heels, cocked my head, put my hands brazenly on my hips, addressing the aqueous gargantua that continued to lash at me from the shore. "How do I know?" I replied, "The bye-bye know." Poseidon retracted his trident and froze into a statue.
The bye-bye know.
I was alone. I was always alone, but now I was alone with myself. I held fear at bay now because somewhere in the moments that lay ahead...this one?, this one?, this one?...count it off...one of them held a simple, unmalleable truth: The bye-bye know.
Someone called Rebecca was here. She knew my name, and she told it to me. She knows the bye-bye know too. She sang it for me like Tennessee Ernie did. A scratch on the record and it bounced: How do I know? The bye bye know, The bye-bye know, The bye-bye know...count it off...the bye-bye know, over and over, forever.
She said it was a long, long time ago. The massive old HiFi as big as a chest of drawers. We counted it off together. And afterwards I felt better.
Incandescent dimbulb...
If you're conscious and you know it blink your eyes
If you're conscious and you know it blink your eyes
If you're conscious and you know it an EEG will surely show it
If you're conscious and you know it blink your eyes
If you're conscious and you know it blink your eyes
If you're conscious and you know it an EEG will surely show it
If you're conscious and you know it blink your eyes
Nothing out of the extraordinary...
Last night children dressed as giraffes floated down the street breathing from helium packs.
It was a marketing thing...
NeferTiti was a rare jewel, but it was her sister AlwaysTiti who really got around.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Never to have been...
Together on a high mountain. Below, a river, a city. I descended from on high, jumped into the river, waded across, made it to the city. I took the cable car. Inside I tried to use the intercom to talk to her back on the mountain. We were to meet again. I had something for her, something to deliver. It was a small defenseless creature that I had managed to snatch from danger against all hope. I knew she would be overjoyed to see it again, assumed disappeared, destroyed, devoured, gone. The intercom was not working. The conductor told me to suck on the wall, to release the pressure lock.
I contacted her, we set up the appointment. It was to be a grand moment, one of those rare moments in life when you succeed against all odds, an emotional reunion, boundless joy at your good fortune, a sense of deservedness. In anticipation of arrival, the conductor opened the doors as we glided above the world. Below it was dark, the lights of the city. The kitten danced along the edge of the doorsill, tanatalized by the view below. I sensed danger, could she fall? No, I thought, an animal has a survival instinct. Still, there could be an accident. She darted from one open door to the other, slipped, fell out, shot like a meteor into the darkness, disappeared. The moment was over, finished, never to have been. I saw seagulls plying the dark sky, would they see her, catch her up? But no. Gone.
I contacted her, we set up the appointment. It was to be a grand moment, one of those rare moments in life when you succeed against all odds, an emotional reunion, boundless joy at your good fortune, a sense of deservedness. In anticipation of arrival, the conductor opened the doors as we glided above the world. Below it was dark, the lights of the city. The kitten danced along the edge of the doorsill, tanatalized by the view below. I sensed danger, could she fall? No, I thought, an animal has a survival instinct. Still, there could be an accident. She darted from one open door to the other, slipped, fell out, shot like a meteor into the darkness, disappeared. The moment was over, finished, never to have been. I saw seagulls plying the dark sky, would they see her, catch her up? But no. Gone.
Good thing it was a red...
The sommelier's imprecise trimming of the foil capsule caused Michael to cut his lip when he drank from the bottle.
What better way to thank your turkey...
Out of respect for the dead, Willis had his Thanksgiving turkey's genome sequenced and printed as a bar code on napkin rings.
Aint one thing it's another....
That's the trouble with extant prehistoric fish, it's coelecan, coelecanth.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Come to our Annual Fuckoff. Er....
To generate new business, the hookers decided to band together and organize an Annual Fuckoff.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Put that in your smoke and pipe it!
When things seem too good to be true, psychologists say we are experiencing the Dyden-Winterhaven phenomenon.
Poor fella tuckered out....
There wasn't much too it, but Tucker had a way of making the whole thing look difficult.
'Twas the seal of approval, don't ya see...
Harold didn't care who knew and he trumpeted it from on high. He was in love with a seal!
Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast
I know a nutcase ditsy as a fruitfly
Wrinkly as a prune yet shiny as the moon
Some call it freebase, others call it schmaltz
But they all sing this tune:
Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast 'n piddled pramzer grimy
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue?
Yes! Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast 'n piddled pramzer grimy
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue?
If the words strike fear & rattle in your ear, a little bit nickle & dimey
Sing quairs eat toast & hos eat toast & piddled prams are grimey
Oh! Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast 'n piddled pramzer grimy
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue-oo?
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue?
Wrinkly as a prune yet shiny as the moon
Some call it freebase, others call it schmaltz
But they all sing this tune:
Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast 'n piddled pramzer grimy
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue?
Yes! Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast 'n piddled pramzer grimy
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue?
If the words strike fear & rattle in your ear, a little bit nickle & dimey
Sing quairs eat toast & hos eat toast & piddled prams are grimey
Oh! Quairzy toast 'n hozey toast 'n piddled pramzer grimy
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue-oo?
Some riddlezer rhymie too, innitrue?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Let me put that another way....
An ill-placed spoonerism caused William to lose Linda's respect when he asked her to breed his log.
The Battered Hymn of the Republic
Mayonnaise obscene thug lorry off thick hummin' awful ward
Heinous trap lookout a windex wire dug rips up rafters torn
Heinous blues defeat fortnightly office charitable stiff sores
Witloof is part Klingon
Glow, re-glow, inchallah hula
Glow, re-glow, inchallah hula
Glow, re-glow, inchallah hula
Witloof is part Klingon
Heinous trap lookout a windex wire dug rips up rafters torn
Heinous blues defeat fortnightly office charitable stiff sores
Witloof is part Klingon
Glow, re-glow, inchallah hula
Glow, re-glow, inchallah hula
Glow, re-glow, inchallah hula
Witloof is part Klingon
Saturday, November 5, 2011
His truth is marching and chewing gum at the same time!
My ears ring with the glory of the humming of the lord.
Maybe it's still in his wastebasket....
I believe the damaged crown my dentist removed from my tooth yesterday may have contained my soul.
Horn O'Plenty
Sing a song of sixth sense/ A rocket full of pie/ Cornucopia backwards/ Sucks you till you die
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
That's not sharing, kippered herring
Kippered herring, kippered herring, herring herring, kipper kipper
That's not sharing, that's not sharing, sharing sharing, that's not that's not
That's not sharing, that's not sharing, sharing sharing, that's not that's not
Friedrich the Friendly Philosopher!
He always says hello, 'cause he's really Friedrich Nietzsche
Wherever he may go, he expounds on every living creature!
Most folks don't understand what Nietzsche really has on offer
But lot's of farts think he gives them smarts, Friedrich the friendly philosopher!
Wherever he may go, he expounds on every living creature!
Most folks don't understand what Nietzsche really has on offer
But lot's of farts think he gives them smarts, Friedrich the friendly philosopher!
I'm afraid you'll have to come with me sir...
Meeting participants were searched at the door to ensure they weren't carrying any hidden agendas.
I'll grant you that....
How did early scientists create fire? By rubbing two funding requests together.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Arrrhhh!!
When Captain Crochepatte instated the "shake your booty" ritual after the end of each successful pirate raid, the crewmen's minds turned to mutiny.
Tell us it aint true, teach!
Mr. Goober's class of 2nd grade salteds listened in horror as he described peanut butter. "That's it in a nut's hell," he concluded grimly.
Mary Poppins on acid....
Stupid camphor agile sixpack expert halitosis
Heap o'zozo rounded pizza soapy kite brioches
Sip a singer long enough inchallah hajj osmosis
Stupid camphor agile sixpack expert halitosis!!!!
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
Troopers qualified your lipstick sexy and audacious
Even though your cranium is vacant and quite spacious
When you tart your carcass up the outcome is sebacious
Troopers qualified your lipstick sexy and audacious
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
Heap o'zozo rounded pizza soapy kite brioches
Sip a singer long enough inchallah hajj osmosis
Stupid camphor agile sixpack expert halitosis!!!!
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
Troopers qualified your lipstick sexy and audacious
Even though your cranium is vacant and quite spacious
When you tart your carcass up the outcome is sebacious
Troopers qualified your lipstick sexy and audacious
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
They called them cat spanners....
At construction sites, before weights and measures were standardized, the foreman carried a cat into each room to verify it could be swung.
In Pompei, one can still see claw marks on some of the walls, at about hip level.
In Pompei, one can still see claw marks on some of the walls, at about hip level.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Marzipan, anyone?
The Mandelbrot Set is the most narcissistic 2-dimensional form I can think of. Everything me, me, me.
You better believe it...
Remember "Let's run it up the flagpole & see if anyone salutes it"? Now it's "Let's stick it in the timeline and see if anyone retweets it."
Him again....
I awoke to find a ghoul perched on the foot of my bed,pulling handfuls of kapok from the mattress&stuffing them into his mouth as he chewed.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
From the humblest beginnings...the greatest of mice!
Mickey's parents had been killed in the savage Bordada Mice Cull of 1889.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Some existential meanderings....
I am what makes this universe different from all universes that don't contain me.
Before existing, ask yourself this: Are you kind? Are you necessary? Do you improve upon your absence?
All those who don't improve upon their absence, take a step backward.
If you can't improve upon your absence, at least improve upon your abs!
Before existing, ask yourself this: Are you kind? Are you necessary? Do you improve upon your absence?
All those who don't improve upon their absence, take a step backward.
If you can't improve upon your absence, at least improve upon your abs!
Aint it the truth?
That's the trouble with enormous wind instruments, it's didgeridoo and didgeridon't.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
And other fun facts....
Early Celtic cultures never developed a unified religious practice because their Druids were immiscible.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Yustalaff & Callum-Names
Now reading: Reindeer Games - A Tail of Intrigue in the Frozen North, by Peter Yustalaff and Cynthia Callum-Names
Now, where did I leave the RFID scanner?
Martin had his mind fitted with an RFID tag, so he could find it again in case he lost it.
A draining experience no doubt....
Ellen always hated finding bugs in the house, but the line of processionary caterpillars in the bathtub gave her pest chains.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
An incisive remark.
It doesn't auger well for our marriage that my wife just called me a boring tool. #lqw
Something to crow about...
As Chesley mowed the lawn, the crows on the power line above him doubled the aggregate intelligence in his yard.
Kris Kringle Airlines
The gift packages listened in wrapped attention as Santa outlined the flight plan.
Open wide!
In an effort to drum up new business, Jack's dentist had started offering free cavity searches.
Bunch o' slackers!
Roger refused when the doctor told him to drop his trousers. "Nobody every picks up the slack for me around here," he explained.
Monday, October 17, 2011
High heel Christmas carol
Ankles we have heels too high
Wobbling on despite the pain
Our bone structure doth reply
Threatening a nasty sprain
Glo-oria in excelsis Deo
Wobbling on despite the pain
Our bone structure doth reply
Threatening a nasty sprain
Glo-oria in excelsis Deo
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Does she or doesn't he?
As Walter started making his batch of she-crab soup, it finally dawned on him why the fishmonger kept telling him "You've got mail!"
Another vacation highlight...
Scarfing egret and arugula wraps at The Slumb'ring Narwhal in Surimi, Gibraltar!
Tough work but somebody's got to do it...
And thereupon armed crusaders set forth to crush the tawdry legions of flawed religions.
Talk about pigheaded....
Ridley worked for something called the National Pork Service, and had the headgear to prove it.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Exposed underwear phenomenon...
Am saddened that because of my birthdate I completely missed out on this pants halfway down the butt fashion.
Have been wondering, after the fact, about dressing left or right with this new fashion trend. I mean, with the bifurcation so much lower, it could be a bit of challenge, no?
Have been wondering, after the fact, about dressing left or right with this new fashion trend. I mean, with the bifurcation so much lower, it could be a bit of challenge, no?
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Never say never....
A lot of people say they could never commit murder, but it's just a matter of finding the right person.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Name your poison?
You've got to dose it with the right chemicals, or else consciousness isn't worth the neural matrix it's defined upon.
There were no survivors....
Without warning, the fruit borscht brute forced its way into Linda's garment bag.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Today's feijoada recipe
Ingredients:
10 kg each of fresh, dried, smoked, jerked, and pickled beef
10 kg each of fresh, dried, smoked, jerked, and pickled pork
10 kg each of fresh, dried, and smoked pork sausage
10 kg each of fresh, dried, and smoked pork ribs
a red herring (in season)
600 kg of black beans
large duffle bag filled with: brown sugar, thyme, oregano, cayenne pepper, bay leaves, salt, black pepper, cloves, cinnamon, fresh ginger, and chopped Serrano chiles
Throw ingredients into the back of a clean, well-sealed Toyota pickup truck and fill with orange juice. Let sit in a cool, dry garage, taking truck out for a spin every day or so to mix flavors. After two weeks, set garage on fire, continuing to add wood as needed to keep low flame for at least 72 hours. Tires may be removed if desired to limit smoking. Extinguish flames and cover mixture with half-inch layer of manioc flour.
Serve with orange wedges and individual entrenching tools. Feeds Brazil.
10 kg each of fresh, dried, smoked, jerked, and pickled beef
10 kg each of fresh, dried, smoked, jerked, and pickled pork
10 kg each of fresh, dried, and smoked pork sausage
10 kg each of fresh, dried, and smoked pork ribs
a red herring (in season)
600 kg of black beans
large duffle bag filled with: brown sugar, thyme, oregano, cayenne pepper, bay leaves, salt, black pepper, cloves, cinnamon, fresh ginger, and chopped Serrano chiles
Throw ingredients into the back of a clean, well-sealed Toyota pickup truck and fill with orange juice. Let sit in a cool, dry garage, taking truck out for a spin every day or so to mix flavors. After two weeks, set garage on fire, continuing to add wood as needed to keep low flame for at least 72 hours. Tires may be removed if desired to limit smoking. Extinguish flames and cover mixture with half-inch layer of manioc flour.
Serve with orange wedges and individual entrenching tools. Feeds Brazil.
Run that by me again?
There'd been a glaring misstep in the first number, but Rich declined to repeat it in order to avoid re-done dance.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
You never know....
The waitress showed up with a turkey baster and a plastic tub on a tray. "Would you like a little less coffee, sir?" she demanded.
Claims to be evaluated on merit now...
Reuters - Meek advised to "man up" as Earth inheritance called into doubt.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
What's the angle on this one?
The warrior fell aslant from the force of the blow and proceeded to die agonally. #lqw
Going to Montana soon, going to be a kopi luwak tycoon
Have just scotch-taped a weasel to my coffee grinder.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Put that in your 140 character box and tweet it!
My country isn't the sweet land o'puberty toothy icing/Land where my fathers buy LandRovers toddlerized to every punkin pie let boredom ring
War of the bots....
Reuters - Pentagon confirms American cleric killed in Yemen drone strike was a robot.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Off for a snack...
I couldn't think of anything to tweet, and then I realized I'd been neglecting the "Garbage in" part of the old dictum.
Waiter there's a goldilocks zone in my chiffonier!
Have just discovered 3000 exoplanets in my sock drawer.
Can't win 'em all....
There were a multitude of parallel universes in which Duncan had made better choices, while nonetheless remaining a chump.
On the level....
The degenerate quantum states looked into the vacuum of each other's eyes and said, "Do you want to make a deal?"
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Fractured lightbulb jokes....
How many explanations does it take to change a dimbulb?
A hundred morons walk into a bar and ask the bartender if he's got change for a lightbulb.
A hundred morons walk into a bar and ask the bartender if he's got change for a lightbulb.
An election by erection, as it were....
Each man's existence - to the extent that he shoots his wad - represents a single vote for the face the future will have.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Stuff it!
Tom reckoned that if the best any of us can do is vote for a future filled with genomes like our own, he might as well stuff the ballot box.
Call me et al.
If I make you first author, Betty when you cite me you can call me et al., call me et al.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
On this frabjous day, let us pledge our dust cloths....
Hype ledge a liege ants, tooth of lag, after your knotted tights of a marigold.
And two-three pup-lick, four widget stands, wan Haitian, hunt her cod, in the visible, wet slipper teen just as for Raul.
And two-three pup-lick, four widget stands, wan Haitian, hunt her cod, in the visible, wet slipper teen just as for Raul.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The meaning of life
Leo conceded it was unfathomable. His best shot was to carrom his genome into the stradalada & hope some future gumball would figure it out.
That oughtta sella million copies!
Larry decided to write his first novel about a man who spends three years putting together marketing tools before writing his first novel.
What kind of planet is this anyway?
Zork stood before the wall for over an hour and no brick came to his aid. On Frip, bricks normally exhibited complicity in under 10 minutes.
Pas de deux interrupted...
A rivulet of borscht snaked down Dmitri's forehead as the ballerina he suspended above him vomited delicately. #lqw
This one was popular on Artwiculate....
Because of his mirth defect, William was unable to be a jocular like the other boys.
New business model!
Have decided to start an emergency shoelace replacement service.
Our Promise: Fresh shoelaces airlifted to you worldwide in under 30 minutes, or they're free.
Our Promise: Fresh shoelaces airlifted to you worldwide in under 30 minutes, or they're free.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Because what?
Because the roll is wound, it earns me tons
Because the roll is wound, it earns me tons
Aaaaaaaaahhh........
Because the hint is why? it knows I'm blind
Because the hint is why? it knows I'm blind
Aaaaaaaaahhh........
Love is all, love is new
Love is all, love is you
Because the blind is skewed, it creaks, "My, my."
Because the blind is skewed, it creaks, "My, my."
Aaaaaaaaahhh........
Because the roll is wound, it earns me tons
Aaaaaaaaahhh........
Because the hint is why? it knows I'm blind
Because the hint is why? it knows I'm blind
Aaaaaaaaahhh........
Love is all, love is new
Love is all, love is you
Because the blind is skewed, it creaks, "My, my."
Because the blind is skewed, it creaks, "My, my."
Aaaaaaaaahhh........
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Faster!
When the nurse lifted her head in a brief moment of inattention, the flustered master's mustard plaster busted past her.
Keep in line....
There once was a closed curved named Lee
That had a a fractal dimension of 3
They said stop yer twinin'
Yer overdefinin'
Yer tortuous superficies
That had a a fractal dimension of 3
They said stop yer twinin'
Yer overdefinin'
Yer tortuous superficies
Today's grammar lesson
Pie before tea, except after three, or if hounded like prey, while at labour or play.
Fractured Wire Service Updates
Reuters - Faster than light neutrino slated for mother and child reunion as defunct satellite hurtles earthward.
Been watching too many French cop shows...
Ô sous écoute, ô sous écoute, ô sous écoute honey hide your loot, my sous écoute.
Emily Blog Post
More of us should think about how our tweets will fit in with the ones before and after them. It's just good Twittequette.
All's well that ends eggplant.
People who try to finish your sentences for you are always bicarbonate.
Waterbed
The waters of the lake were still, as if sleeping, but after the boat passed they were a wake.
Lemme outta here!
The unexpectedly dismissed jailor was having a tough time of things. He'd basically had to go cold turnkey.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I think I got a fleeting glimpse of one a moment ago....
Though the sophisticated female entertainers were popular through the 19th century, there are relatively fugacious in modern-day Japan. #lqw
Sai Baba weighs in on unemployment
Before you accept a job ask yourself: is it fun, is it productive, is it honest, does it improve upon unemployment?
It's the only way....
Finally Dick laid down the law. "Anybody who wants to become a member of this family," he declared, "is gonna have to pass through me first!"
Torx family seeks police protection....
Reuters - Rebel forces track down and execute inventor of phillips-head screw at remote desert hideout.
Stuck in a what?
To accept that you are stuck in a rut, you must first be aware something exists outside the rut.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Another loqwacious time bomb....
As Crawley placed a sack of condoms, hair gel, and croissants on his boss' desk, he realized he'd become low man on the factotum pole. #lqw
The word of the day was philtrum...nobody got it
Whether 'tis nobler in th'nose t'snuffle up drips&drops o'contagious mucus, or curl lip against a sea o'dribbles, 'n by opposing, philtrum.
Pistils at dawn
Finally Hedlund threw down the gauntlet and challenged Rivers to a duel in the poppy field. It was to be pistils at dawn.
Homage to "Ride Your Pony"
Toss your salad / Get out your salad tongs & toss / All right! / Toss your salad / Get out your salad tongs & toss / Ah you're tossin' high!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Another random phrase from the cusp of consciousness
Some of the items in the wastebasket were talismans, placed there to guide the karma of the remaining payload until it could be discarded.
When life gives you seaweed, make nori?
Dreamed I had to give a talk I hadn't prepared on old plastic transparencies. When I arrived at the podium all I had in my hand was seaweed.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Edward Teller Brows
Sung to the tune of Bette Davis Eyes.
The eyes are furry, your sympathy arouse,
No need to worry, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll periodic table you, nuclear fishin' off his bow,
He'll Ronald Reagan you, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He won't tease you, he'll unease you,
Don't really care whether he please you,
But he's not vicious, he gets what he wishes,
With his eyes like angler fishes,
He's got Dr. Strangelove's on-screen wow, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll start to reel you in, as fast as time allows,
He'll nibble on your fins, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll do an atomic number on you, he irradiates cows,
Those Three Mile Island blues, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll expose you, when he snows you,
With all the pro-nuke spam he throws you,
But he's not vicious, he gets what he wishes,
Dangling lures like angler fishes,
He's the father of the H-bomb now, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He will juke you, and rebuke you,
The crazy guy might even nuke you,
He's not vicious, he gets what he wishes,
With those dangly angler fishes,
He's the guy invented Star Wars now, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He will juke you,
He'll rebuke you,
Then he'll nuke you, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll expose you,
When he snows you.
He'll snow you, he's got Edward Teller brows.
And he'll nuke you...
The eyes are furry, your sympathy arouse,
No need to worry, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll periodic table you, nuclear fishin' off his bow,
He'll Ronald Reagan you, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He won't tease you, he'll unease you,
Don't really care whether he please you,
But he's not vicious, he gets what he wishes,
With his eyes like angler fishes,
He's got Dr. Strangelove's on-screen wow, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll start to reel you in, as fast as time allows,
He'll nibble on your fins, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll do an atomic number on you, he irradiates cows,
Those Three Mile Island blues, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll expose you, when he snows you,
With all the pro-nuke spam he throws you,
But he's not vicious, he gets what he wishes,
Dangling lures like angler fishes,
He's the father of the H-bomb now, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He will juke you, and rebuke you,
The crazy guy might even nuke you,
He's not vicious, he gets what he wishes,
With those dangly angler fishes,
He's the guy invented Star Wars now, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He will juke you,
He'll rebuke you,
Then he'll nuke you, he's got Edward Teller brows.
He'll expose you,
When he snows you.
He'll snow you, he's got Edward Teller brows.
And he'll nuke you...
Saturday, September 17, 2011
An ode to i
Who am i?
Those who abide me tangle in complexity, yet i am the candle that illuminates dreams, all that is not real. Who squares me will find as many more for each of those that i am, and forfeit one of his own. May the heavens beware, for if with time i should rise to a power, all begins to spin.
Who am i?
i am i.
Those who abide me tangle in complexity, yet i am the candle that illuminates dreams, all that is not real. Who squares me will find as many more for each of those that i am, and forfeit one of his own. May the heavens beware, for if with time i should rise to a power, all begins to spin.
Who am i?
i am i.
Now why's that then?
John drove Carol up to Letter's Leap for a smooch, but when she nodded off, he didn't dare wake her.
Running on empty....
I feel good because something positive happened today, but now I can't remember what it was.
Another loqwacious lovely....
Ricky the riveter was injured when the handle broke off his air hammer, and from then on he's had to squat to peen. #lqw
My good deed for the day...
Found this Tiffany heart key in Paris this morning. Could be important to someone. Please RT. http://yfrog.com/mfss0aj
An artwiculate faining spell....
"Knowest thou Melancholy Baby, minstrel?" "Nay alas good sir, but hum a few bars and I would fain feign it."
Fain fain fain, fain of chools.
Fain fain fain, fain of chools.
Banned in Bulgaria
Samizdat (n): premium service available to Amazon ebook authors which bans books in order to improve their sales #lqw
Friday, September 16, 2011
Researchers Devise "Sentient Glue"
UPI - UK researchers working on so-called "smart adhesives" have developed a glue they claim is sentient. "The adhesive matrix can identify the bits that want sticking and those that don't," said lead scientist Conrad Horkle of UC London, "and that gives a cleaner, more solid joint." At present the glue adheres only to the surfaces the researchers did not intend it to bind to, but the group is confident they'll be able to get things turned around. "The sticky bit," says Horkle, "is getting the proportions right. At the moment we reckon we've made the glue too clever by about a half. We'll be looking carefully at the dosages in our upcoming studies." Based on a technique called "arthropod biomimetics", the UCL group's method could lead to commercially available intelligent glues in as little as 5 years time, according to Horkle.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The inescapable loneliness of being average
If you are of average intelligence, half the people will be smarter than you and half will be dumber. So you won't have any friends.
The indefatigable opulence of the walrus
Hate your hurt, your nature nurture, don't you think the archer aims for you?
Monday, September 12, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
See ya later Allegheny!
There were allegations that the investigators were investigating alligators.
Not exactly spot on....
It came to Cyril one night in dream that God wished him to acquire a spotwelder.
It would behalf a lifetime before he understood that his true destiny lay elsewhere.
It would behalf a lifetime before he understood that his true destiny lay elsewhere.
Raw Kebab Bay Leaf
Raw kebab bay leaf, in the tree top
Window implodes, the cradle will rock
When they buy bricks, the cradle will fall
And Donald Trump bay leaf, cradle and all
Window implodes, the cradle will rock
When they buy bricks, the cradle will fall
And Donald Trump bay leaf, cradle and all
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Carnivore Palimpsest
Morning glory kaftan, alligator porchlight, body bag your quaker oats before the light goes brown. Horizon mishmash. Carpool your mustache. Corn beef your eyelash. Puppets Peru!
Just not getting it across....
Trouble was, every time Tom dropped a hint, somebody picked it up and took it over to Lost and Found.
You're flying in what?!
My husband called me all excited last night from his conference in Osaka and said he was up flying in a lighter than air barroom.
Maybe next time....
Jacques was about to do something impromptu when he realized the moment wasn't wearing any spurs.
Quaker Minced Oaths....
Minced Oath & Warthog've closed down their shop. Th'didn't want to, 'twas all they'd got. Selling bogly odds bodkins, cheese 'n rice figs...
Donald Trump he aint....
Tears welled up in the pot's eyes as Dale removed it gently from the kiln and told it it had been fired.
An ode to packaging
John didn't have enough fingers to get the package open and finally had to call in a toe.
Ho hum, are we in orbit yet?
By 2020 suborbital flights on Spaceship 2 had become so effortless & low key that people started calling it the Space Subtle #lqw
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Ode to a triangle...
Symmetric, mystical, imposing yet lean, and spare. Behold the equilateral triangle, a paragon of polygons.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Sai Baba meets Ralph Lauren
Before donning a garment, ask yourself: Is it good? Is it beautiful? Is it necessary? Does it improve upon nakedness?
Kitty blues....
This Schroedinger cat had a mind to ramble, and at the same time, a mind not to go nowhere. #lqw
Art lovers unite!
Harold was so impressed by all the titian tahitians in the exposition that he decided to Gauguin. #lqw
Getting the triangular point....
The triangular point on the toilet paper reminded him that even in the privacy of his water closet he was still not at home.
I'd love to turn you on...
I had a dream today, bow wow/ About a lucky dog who made the grade/ And though the room was rather still/ Well, I just had to yaff. #lqw
A short discourse on cursive discursive
Al Capone's son Vinny upon returning to 5th grade after spending time in Leavenworth: "What's discursive evabuddy usin' now?
A man's got his priorities....
As his car hurtled toward the canyon floor, John regretted that his last tweet was likely to contain misspellings.
Phooey on your ratatouille!
Hilda's ratatouille was eggplant regnant 'til the day she lost her auberginity to a carrot.
Get some kleenex...
Rupert was so keyed-up about the neologism he'd thought of that he had a neologasm.
I aint carryin'....
Ari Agrarian became a riparian ferryman after marryin' a Hungarian librarian in Yerevan. Their daughter, Marion, was delivered by Caesarian.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
On the bus back from Stanley Village...
Cycling the waistband of my swimtrunks through my fingertips like a rosary, trying to get it dry before it has to go into the suitcase.
A story of ages beneath our feet...
The palimpsest of wax buildup on Geraldine's parquet had been declared a National Cultural Heritage Site. #lqw
Married for life....
Though Hector was uxorious unto a thankless queen / His needle knew no stitching, his spoon conjured no cuisine.
Nobody got this one....
When Lyn saw Sam putting a cow in the wagon & asked him where he was going, she was not reassured when he replied, "The cat'll drive." #lqw
God Handbook Tip #325
Before creating a universe, ask yourself: Is it good? Is it beautiful? Is it necessary? Does it improve upon nothingness?
Always had style, Collins...
Hands on hips, Collins oozed across the minefield swankier than a fire-retardant gorilla.
Another day, another crustacean...
He curled his toes as he slid his pants legs on to clear out lobster dung from the previous day's festivities.
A loqwacious gem
After his midnight pancake snack, Sol slipped the syrup dishes surreptitiously into the dishwasher and went back to bed. #lqw
Woof!
In his dream, Fido's master would ask if he'd eaten, and he'd reply no and be brought another bowl. People tended to let sleeping dogs lie.
Inscrutable
"Why won't the damn thing turn anymore?!" cried Helen, dropping her wrench on the counter. Once cross-threaded, the nut became inscrutable.
On fait la trêve?
Finally we got tired of the steady insults in English and German and decided to make friends charteuse language.
Anybody home?
So habituated was he to chaos that stretches of calm were almost frightening to him; he'd become zenophobic.
Free at last!
Pamela hugged the stack of coathangers to her chest and did a pirouette. She'd finally dislodged the caraway seed stuck between her teeth!
An ode to the tibia
Hail the tibia, what raiseth man from his knees, and bringeth him that much closer closer to God, amen.
Idea for a new Twitter game....
A prize is reserved for the bitten-off chocolate square most closely resembling the state of Minnesota.
When ya gotta ya gotta
Perceiving no compelling reason to act otherwise, the bug sat motionless on the wall for three entire days.
There's no stopping progress....
No sooner had Mother Goose taken the technological leap of having a phone installed, than she wanted an anserine machine put in as well.
You savvy?
Rakaba bebi, inatritap/Wennawimblos akrediwirrak/ Wennababrex akrediwiffa/'N danakum bebi, credelinal.
Let's get this party started
Each imbecile was fitted with a backpack containing a watermelon and a kitten.
Friday, July 22, 2011
A spoonful of ethanol helps the technobabble go down...
The Editor-in-Chief deemed the paper had merit and forwarded it to three experts for beer review.
Fancy bread....
Tell me where is fancy bread, or in the heart or in the head? - Libby Dough Company official corporate motto
Thursday, July 21, 2011
You saw it here first. Well, you saw it here.
Most art created remains largely unknown. The most popular art is not the best art. It follows that most of the world's best art is unknown.
300 baud nostalgia....
If U miss th'tweet I sent/U will know th'tube is bent/U can hear th'modem wail 300 Baud/300Bd300Bd300Bd300Bd/U can hear th'modem wail 300 Bd
Move over, Isaac!
If I have been unable to see as far as others, it's because the guy in front of me had a midget on his shoulders.
Let's try that again....
When given a new burden to bear, we must learn to carry it so that it does not chafe. Having said that, fuck everything.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
What ho, physician?
Who aspires to Bhagawabbit requires a guide. Go then to the forests of Iberia, and seek the one they call El Merfudd.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Caught red-handed....
"Susan," he said, as he removed his blood-streaked hands from the chimpanzee's open chest cavity, "I...I can explain."
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Just this once....
John reckoned that since he'd be dead in the morning, he could get away with putting the dishes into the trash instead of the dishwasher.
Some Artwiculate gems....(despot)
Im a li'l despot short&stout/Here're my death squads heres my Swiss account/When th'folks get pissedoff I jus'shout/Overthrow me kick me out
Amidst the rubble of the former palace, Hendricks discovered a defiled corpse lying in a shallow grave. "This must be despot," he reflected.
Amidst the rubble of the former palace, Hendricks discovered a defiled corpse lying in a shallow grave. "This must be despot," he reflected.
Splat!
The words that flew so trippingly from his tongue landed with an ignominious splat on her eardrum.
New book cover!
When enough is enough, and enough is too much, it's the Ultimo Kartoffel! Now with a sexy new cover! The Ultimo Kartoffel, by Bruce Denby
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Oh they just *had* to put a man on Mars...
After six months traipsing across the Red Planet with his head in a tin-can, Jenkins was ready for a bath, a bourbon, and a burger.
Honesty is the best policy...
Jerry shook the beagle awake when it began to purr and meow. He was not about to let a sleeping dog lie.
Friday, July 15, 2011
A road song....
Where have all the speedbumps gone? / Langsam fahren / Where have all the speedbumps gone? / Bott's dots to go.
Sting Covers....
I'm'a nail me one, an illegal alien, I'm a policeman in Arizona.
I'm an andouillette, I'm a stinky andouillette, I'm a saucisson of pure pork.
I'm an andouillette, I'm a stinky andouillette, I'm a saucisson of pure pork.
Here's the beef!
Hoping to impress girls with a new, beefier build, Norton had signed up for the Advanced Meat Recovery system.
True friends help each other out...
Rick decided that his supervisor would look better with a knife sticking out of his throat.
That's a good lad...
Realizing that it had just been crushed beyond recognition, the wasp obediently died.
Put that gun down...
He pointed his ethanol torch at the bug in his brain. It glowed like a meteor, but was never consumed.
And there I was again...
Malevolent ribosomes upend my suitcase. Assonance, corrupted, invades a space where slingshots fail to bond.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
In short, the girl dies
You call the police, the girl dies/You talk to a dog pissing on a lamppost, the girl dies/You mix up anaphora and epistrophe, the girl dies.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Is the Pope toilet trained?
In the Schroedinger scat experiment, the bear both does and does not shit in the woods.
Can I get a quantum of solace?
I'm all for the Many Worlds Interpretation, but why do I always get the shag end of the bifurcation?
Eggman, anyone?
Carborundum handshake, mutilated muskrat, boy you been a knotty pine, you bet your uncle's bum.
Some Artwiculate detritus...
After 15 minutes, Peggy set down the whisk and conceded that her mayonnaise was indomitable.
The Daily Seismograph is a supplement to the Telegraph containing all the most earthshaking news.
The Daily Seismograph is a supplement to the Telegraph containing all the most earthshaking news.
Friday, July 8, 2011
And lo, man made God in his own image....
And then God created light upon the earth, to rule over day and night and to separate light from darkness, and God said, "So there's that."
Come over where it swarm...
Why insects never became intelligent: "Well on the one hand....and on the other hand....and on the other hand....and on the other hand....."
TechNews - UK researchers report primitive tube worms seek sources of heat, evidence for 'tswarm intelligence.
TechNews - UK researchers report primitive tube worms seek sources of heat, evidence for 'tswarm intelligence.
We'd like to see more of thee, Dorothy
For he who findeth not happiness, his own backyard therein, also shall the Lord deem never to have lost it at all, amen.
Bcc: Be carbon conscious!!
Fact: You can reduce your carbon footprint up to 15% by avoiding cc:'s in your emails.
Man O'Manitoba
Useless information clogs my brain like tar-sand in some far-flung Canadian province.
Dixie melody No. 2347
Document your base pairs with a Dixie melody/ If Señor Wences is in your sequences, admit that sex is risky.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Another Greensleeves cover
Aghast, my love, youtube is wrong, the cat's meow is this skirt, you see/ For I have troubled you so long, reclining on your canape.
Dixie melodies are back!
Silver plate your corn flakes with a Dixie melody/ When they shine, fish out nine, and float them on your whiskey.
Murdelize your brainstem with a Dixie melody/ Once it's died, swallow your pride, admit you've just turned sixty.
Murdelize your brainstem with a Dixie melody/ Once it's died, swallow your pride, admit you've just turned sixty.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Great news?
At first I worried I was getting stupider with age. Then I realized I was just getting better at realizing how stupid I am.
Two great virtues for the price of one
Frances admired her spotless floor, and realized she had at last become adept at juggling the responsibilities of motherhood and apple pie.
You sure about that?
If you can't find life on Mars in your own back yard, maybe the spark plug on your lawnmower needs replacing - Werner Heisenberg
Does Death use her tongue when she kisses?
Death just gave me a little peck on the cheek. I tried to push her away but she came back and tried to get her tongue in this time. I folded my arms and glared at her savagely. She said she'd like to see more of me. Then I reminded her what happened when she said that to Agent Smith. Touché!
Alexander the Grateful?
In a parallel universe, an ornate tomb is inscribed "Philip of Macedon, aged 95". A small headstone beside it reads "Al the Banal, son".
Coming soon to an airlock near you...
Inverted by the low pressure, the gerbils resembled street-corner organ traffickers with their wares pinned to the linings of red overcoats.
Elk lips sink ships
Bucatini with elk lips, pine nuts, artichoke hearts, crème fraîche, chopped parsley.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
God grant me...
God grant me the swordfish that ate Minneapolis, the unguentine to remain supercilious, and a didgeridoo for impromptu lawn parties.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Spooky
In the cool of the evening when all the world is givin' me the finger
I turn off all the apps and my feelings of self doubt begin to linger
First I say oh, you just been down on your luck
And then I cry, and scream - oh fuck!
Keepin' sane's not easy with a spooky little brain like you.
I turn off all the apps and my feelings of self doubt begin to linger
First I say oh, you just been down on your luck
And then I cry, and scream - oh fuck!
Keepin' sane's not easy with a spooky little brain like you.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Turn on tune in drop out
Another message on the cusp of consciousness this morning:
"Blind yourself to dream uninhindered."
In other words, do not let reality stand in the way of your dreams.
"Blind yourself to dream uninhindered."
In other words, do not let reality stand in the way of your dreams.
Monday, May 30, 2011
What neologism do you need to make margaritas?
Abadalatakila
Google it. I believe I invented the word.
Google it. I believe I invented the word.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Olé!
If I were a matador/ And you were a lunchbox/ Would you sublet my taco sauce/ To make room for bunched socks?
Yes, If I Were a Carpenter tweets are coming back into vogue again. So be ready for 'em!
Yes, If I Were a Carpenter tweets are coming back into vogue again. So be ready for 'em!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Gotta face facts....
The crow, pacing back and forth with wings folded behind him, realized that whatever course of action he chose, he'd still be just a bird.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Is your vacuum fluctuating or is its bag full?
I've seen a strange interference between positive and negative viewpoints in my timeline. Can this be twitterbewegung?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
See how they run like grease from a bun
Scripture scrapped you ripped your rapture don't you you think the rupture raps for you?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Writer's Island
Recalcitrant prisoners were forced to perform crossword puzzles without benefit of pen or pencil.
Dial j for jazz...
An unknown little ditty flitted through his forebrain, some imaginary number, played no doubt in the key of i.
I'm cool with that....
I don't believe in God, but if He wants to exist, I'm certainly not going to argue with Him.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hey man, believe it if you want to....
It was not exactly dogma he was setting forth, but a more relaxed & laissez-faire discourse. Catma, if you will.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Twitter Bride
He rolled over to his Twitter bride and gave her a peck on the cheek. She lay there as if dead, eyes open, blankly fixing the ceiling. Rising on one elbow, he pulled back the covers to inspect her. No respiration. No activity. A broken doll.
For three days she remained that way. Immobile. Agape. Quiescent.
On the morning of the fourth day, on awakening, he heard a rustling beside him. His Twitter bride was online again, active. He clicked her good morning and she responded, turning her head to thank him for the follow.
For three days she remained that way. Immobile. Agape. Quiescent.
On the morning of the fourth day, on awakening, he heard a rustling beside him. His Twitter bride was online again, active. He clicked her good morning and she responded, turning her head to thank him for the follow.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
You saw it here first! (unless you caught it on Twitter)
Virgin Suicides: The Story of Bin Laden's Arrival in Paradise
Sea Breams are Made of This
Sea breams are made of this
Who am I to diss a tree?
Toggle a whirl and eleven bees
Everybody's cookin' a dumplin'
Uncle Ben wants to tease you
Uncle Ben wanna get teased by you
Mother Hen wants to appease you
Mother Hen wants you to eat your peas
Sea breams are made of this
Who am I to kiss a flea?
Paddle a girl with a heavy cheese
Everybody's hopin' for pumpkins
Fold your head off
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off
Auntie Em wants to goose you
Auntie Em wanna get goosed by you
Oxygen want to reduce you
Oxygen want to reduce your goose
Fold your head off
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off
Sea breams are made of this
Who am I to piss the street?
Scramble a hurl on bended knees
Everybody's stuck in a dustbin
Sea breams are made of this
Who am I to diss a tree?
Toggle a whirl and eleven bees
Everybody's cookin' a dumplin'
Who am I to diss a tree?
Toggle a whirl and eleven bees
Everybody's cookin' a dumplin'
Uncle Ben wants to tease you
Uncle Ben wanna get teased by you
Mother Hen wants to appease you
Mother Hen wants you to eat your peas
Sea breams are made of this
Who am I to kiss a flea?
Paddle a girl with a heavy cheese
Everybody's hopin' for pumpkins
Fold your head off
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off
Auntie Em wants to goose you
Auntie Em wanna get goosed by you
Oxygen want to reduce you
Oxygen want to reduce your goose
Fold your head off
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off, put it on
Fold your head off, put it on
Take your head off
Sea breams are made of this
Who am I to piss the street?
Scramble a hurl on bended knees
Everybody's stuck in a dustbin
Sea breams are made of this
Who am I to diss a tree?
Toggle a whirl and eleven bees
Everybody's cookin' a dumplin'
Linkedin's "Get His Bird a Dress"
Foreskin and 7 beers to go, flyswatters gave birth with incontinence a pupation, relieved at puberty & medicated by a papal vision that tall men are deflated seagulls.
All god's chillun gotta pope!
The hours of popelessness ended with a puff of smoke as "Habemus Papa!" rang forth.
Paving the way....
On and on the yellow brick rode, as he followed his dream of one day belonging to something much bigger than himself.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Speaking of mudplasters....
There aren't enough cashews in the alphabet to express the viscosity I obtain each time I modulate a new duck rancher.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Stolen Oysters
On Saturday an old woman was caught shoplifting two oysters at our fish place. The shopkeeper made her give them back, and simply threw them back into the bin. I wondered who ended up buying them, and if they tasted any differently from other oysters that had not been stolen. Perhaps they'd been traumatized by the incident, felt the stigma of having been involved in a criminal act - however inadvertantly. Could such a thing lead to bitterness, or add an igneous, sulphurous note to an otherwise crisp, iodic nose?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
An artwiculate nugget
Alas, Prosaic! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of insipid jest, of most redolent fancy; he hath bored me on his back porch a thousand times...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
On a Cleaning Day
On a cleaning day
Rise and look around you
Is this my home? This pen?!
On a cleaning day
How it will astound you
That the filthiness found in your bathroom
Defies human ken
You'll feel part of every basin, tub and tile
As you lunge
For that sad sponge
That's not been wiggled in a while
And on a cleaning day...On a cleaning day...
You can scrub forever...
And ever...
And ever more. . .
Rise and look around you
Is this my home? This pen?!
On a cleaning day
How it will astound you
That the filthiness found in your bathroom
Defies human ken
You'll feel part of every basin, tub and tile
As you lunge
For that sad sponge
That's not been wiggled in a while
And on a cleaning day...On a cleaning day...
You can scrub forever...
And ever...
And ever more. . .
A clove by any other name would smell as sweat
Alexander had memorized the national anthems of 17 varieties of garlic.
Mississippi cresting threatens oysters
Reuters - US Army sending C130 transports of Frenchmen armed with lemons and three-pronged forks to Louisiana to avert oyster disaster.
At least it aint shufflin' off to Buffalo....
Can someone explain why the distal phalanx of my left index is pointing off toward Mecca?
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Embarassing moments in medicine....
Horace explained to the doctor that he'd been daubing Brylcreem on his toes and lost his balance.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Help!! Old blue-eyes is back!!
Dreamed I inserted a sleeping person inside a human skeleton. Upon awakening, they opened their eyes from within the skull's eyes.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Hellman's soliloquy...
Whether 'tis nobler in a bowl 2 suffer aloe vera as a mayonnaise portion, or 2 drip oil into a sea of eggyolks, and by emulsing, blend them?
Binny Bones Bites it Big
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water: Osama Bin Laden buried at sea.
Sendin' out an SMS....
Dreamed an SMS came on my phone and woke up to go look at it. No SMS there, but Bin Laden is dead.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Death Counts
Why Death counts?
As in Death counts are on the rise in conflicts around the world?
As in Death counts on the folly of man to fill his coffers?
As in Death counts ride phantom horses over desolate plains?
As in Death counts the minutes 'til we're in his grasp?
As in Death counts, but life doesn't?
Why Death counts? Still counting...
Friday, April 29, 2011
Munch a bunch o' kiitos
When Jerry didn't win Father of the Year for the 3rd consecutive time, he decided he'd let the blasted kids fend for themselves from now on.
A current event about semiconductors
Current flow in semiconductors results from the movement of real charges, called electrons, and trumped up charges, called holes.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
My cultural heritage....
When I was 18 months old, I made a decision to preserve the cultural heritage of my ancestors by learning English.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Die boobenshpakles
Life's but a hokey flashmob,
A RealPlayer slicing & dicing its hour upon a stage,
A tail wagged by a #boobenshpakles,
Full of sound & fury, signifying nada.
A RealPlayer slicing & dicing its hour upon a stage,
A tail wagged by a #boobenshpakles,
Full of sound & fury, signifying nada.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Low Tarzan
Reuters: UK scientists produce Low Tarzan by digitally filtering old Johnny Weissmuller movies
Single-O Ten anyone?
"So then, what'll mister washed-up secret agent be havin' for his third drink o' the evenin'?"
"Extra dry vodka martini. Second, not third."
"Extra dry vodka martini. Second, not third."
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Die Gooberführer
After his famous beer-nuts putsch, the Planter's trademark became obsessed with power, demanding to be addressed as "die Gooberführer".
Schroedinger Pizza
Scroedinger Pizza has all toppings at once until you open the box.
Because of quantum entanglement, some poor schnocque across town will get his pizza with all the toppings you didn't pick.
And if the delivery boy forgets which is which and peeks inside? Everybody gets anchovies!
Because of quantum entanglement, some poor schnocque across town will get his pizza with all the toppings you didn't pick.
And if the delivery boy forgets which is which and peeks inside? Everybody gets anchovies!
The shoulders of vampires...
Newton saw further by standing on the shoulders of giants. We may tweet louder by standing on the shoulders of vampires.
Birdflippers anonymous
The children were asleep when the meals cart came by, so Marge ate their lunches too. She'd regurgitate them back into their mouths later.
Sit and spin
The egg flattened out like a galaxy as it spun in weightlessness, steaming and coagulating in the 3° microwave background.
Ode to Zero
Zero's the tiniest number you'll ever know
Epsilon can make a go, but the tiniest number is the big fat O.
Epsilon can make a go, but the tiniest number is the big fat O.
Tears of a clown....
Bozo & Clara had hoped young Hoho would follow along in their oversize footsteps, until the doctor announced the child had a mirth defect.
Getcher brain-wrap outta my face!
He hung his brain-wrap in front of me, jawing and quivering as staccato hissing emerged from an orifice fouled by a fat, wet gob of flesh.
Automonopoeia?
There once was a word up in Delft
That refused to rhyme with itself
Said a poet don't fear, to each darling its dear
And to every toadstool, its elf
That refused to rhyme with itself
Said a poet don't fear, to each darling its dear
And to every toadstool, its elf
Monday, April 4, 2011
Must be a salad day...
Olive & Vinnie felt concupiscible/Sadly their fluids were quite immiscible/Then in a cruet they started 2 do it & b4 u knew it were dressing
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Shrimp
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment you'll ever know
Prawns can be as good as shrimp, but the loveliest aliment remains the shrimp
Roe is the shrimpiest caviar you'll ever know
Best than the wimpiest caviars that some fish throw
'Cause shrimp is the loveliest aliment you'll ever do
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment, oh, more than tuna
Gambas are fun to adore when you camaron
And scampi rhymes with happy times of yesterday
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment that you'll ever do
Shrimp is the loveliest, shrimp is the loveliest
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment you'll ever do
Gambas are fun to adore when you camaron
Humble
Shrimp is the loveliest
Wondrous
Shrimp is the loveliest
Darling
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment you'll ever do
Prawns can be as good as shrimp, but the loveliest aliment remains the shrimp
Roe is the shrimpiest caviar you'll ever know
Best than the wimpiest caviars that some fish throw
'Cause shrimp is the loveliest aliment you'll ever do
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment, oh, more than tuna
Gambas are fun to adore when you camaron
And scampi rhymes with happy times of yesterday
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment that you'll ever do
Shrimp is the loveliest, shrimp is the loveliest
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment you'll ever do
Gambas are fun to adore when you camaron
Humble
Shrimp is the loveliest
Wondrous
Shrimp is the loveliest
Darling
Shrimp is the loveliest aliment you'll ever do
Saturday, March 26, 2011
RIP My Business Model
Obituary: My business model passed away in its sleep Monday night. It was 2 yrs old. A memorial vigil begins tonight on Twitter at 8 pm.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Jabberbloggie
The Jabberbloggie
by Bruce Denby
Was blogging, and my slippery prose
Did tire and jumble on the page
All clumsy were the borrowed quotes,
And the dumb facts outlayed
Beware the Jabberblog, my son
The saws that grate, the phrase that's flat
Beware the Subjunc't verb and shun
The ruinous WeHearThat...
I in my purple cords did stand
Long time a Mand'rin hole I sought
Then nestled me at the Subgum Tree,
And ate awhile and thought
And as in forkish thought I set
The Jabberblog, with updates lame
Came crawling off the Internet,
And twittered as it came!
One, two! One, two! And Kung-Fu you!
My purple cords went swicker-swack!
I left it dead, and in my head
I ran triumphal back
And have I slain the Jabberblog?
That and ten cents, my beamish boy!
You said it first? Who you? No way!
I posted in my joy.
Was blogging, and my slippery prose
Did tire and jumble on the page
All clumsy were the borrowed quotes,
And the dumb facts outlayed
by Bruce Denby
Was blogging, and my slippery prose
Did tire and jumble on the page
All clumsy were the borrowed quotes,
And the dumb facts outlayed
Beware the Jabberblog, my son
The saws that grate, the phrase that's flat
Beware the Subjunc't verb and shun
The ruinous WeHearThat...
I in my purple cords did stand
Long time a Mand'rin hole I sought
Then nestled me at the Subgum Tree,
And ate awhile and thought
And as in forkish thought I set
The Jabberblog, with updates lame
Came crawling off the Internet,
And twittered as it came!
One, two! One, two! And Kung-Fu you!
My purple cords went swicker-swack!
I left it dead, and in my head
I ran triumphal back
And have I slain the Jabberblog?
That and ten cents, my beamish boy!
You said it first? Who you? No way!
I posted in my joy.
Was blogging, and my slippery prose
Did tire and jumble on the page
All clumsy were the borrowed quotes,
And the dumb facts outlayed
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Down the drain....
Ralph took aim and transformed last night's pearls of wisdom into whirls of pissdom.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tweet of the day...
Nobody else noticed it but I like it:
"Was blogging & my slippery prose did tire & jumble on the page/All clumsy were the borrowed quotes & the dumb facts outlayed"
"Was blogging & my slippery prose did tire & jumble on the page/All clumsy were the borrowed quotes & the dumb facts outlayed"
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Ever happen to you?
'Twas boglig, and the slithery toad did grab and tangle in a tie/ All twistly were his BVD's, till he had it outfly.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Carpe diem
Well they call it gloria mundi/ But sic transit's just as blue/ Ars longa/ And vita brevis too/ Well the tempus fugit Friday/ Gaudeamus Saturday/ Morning Sunday glory, in excelsis deo
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Now *that's* amore!!
When the moon turns the sky thru an angle of pi it's tomorrow/When your consciousness pools like a pasta fazool you're awake
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Cellophane cellphones
Cellophane cellphones of yellow and green/Flowering over your head/Look for the earl with a gun in her thighs and she's gone
Friday, February 25, 2011
Dentistry, ô dentistry
I am so enameled of the 1100€ tooth my dentist made for me that I wish to be buried with, it as a talisman to guide me through the afterlife.
The Ultimo Kartoffel gets a nod
Hey. "The Ultimo Kartoffel" made it into the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award Second Round. Heartiest congratulations to Ruth (aka Nigel), Ahmed, Bobby-Lee, Regis, Ann & Ed, Trudy, all the gang at the National Guard, oh, and of course, Vlad-Ilitch and Foughal!!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Twitter cloak of invisibility?
There are times when Twitter just seems to be giving me the finger, and no matter what I put up, nobody reacts. This can go on for many hours, even full days. Have I somehow become less interesting, or is everybody off watching the Superbowl or the Grammies - or, having a life, perhaps?
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Global unrest spreads to the music scene...
Breaking News - Heavy metal fans were urged to return home after violins erupted at a concert in Carnegie Hall.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
If you blinked, you missed it.
Let's hear it for the eyelid! With the exception of the prepuce and labia minora, it has the thinnest skin on the whole body!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Omelet's solilquy
"Whether 'tis nobler in the pan to sizzle w/cheese&peppers of a runny fortune, or take arms against a viscous discus, &by opposing, flip it."
You got it. Omelet's soliloquy.
You got it. Omelet's soliloquy.
I've got Hamlet on line 1.
Whether it Toblerone the mind to shuffle the crimson eros of a famous orphan, or Tecumseh gangsta Fiat rubbles, and buy a frozen tandem?
The idea is to come up with what Hamlet's soliloquy would sound like after a game of "Telephone".
The idea is to come up with what Hamlet's soliloquy would sound like after a game of "Telephone".
Adieu, blubber boys
"Once removed, the blubber blanket is laid on the deck & cut into smaller pieces by a group of whalers called blubber boys."
A wonderful tidbit from the 18th century whaling trade that promised to inspire a litany of alliterative lunacy, but alas, it was not to be.
Bring back the days when everything wasn't reduced to tawdry sexual connotations. I hate tawdriness.
A wonderful tidbit from the 18th century whaling trade that promised to inspire a litany of alliterative lunacy, but alas, it was not to be.
Bring back the days when everything wasn't reduced to tawdry sexual connotations. I hate tawdriness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
