The bye-bye know

Everyone thinks I'm crazy in here. The worst part is wondering how I'll survive from one moment to the next. There's no end to moments. Time is a string of them, one after another, forever. Fear, fear, fear...count it off...fear, fear, fear... Will they cycle a little slower this time, let me catch my breath and rest on the landing, or will it all unravel and turn into a mineshaft like the last time?

Why is this happening to me? What is supposed to happen next? Who am I? So many questions. All the same question. To be more than a bead sliding along a string, I have to know. To be more than fear, I must know. It became my mantra...got to know, got to know, got to know...count it off...got to know, got to know, got to know.

Finally it crystallized, exploded. It was fear itself I clung to, riding on the back of a whale through the ocean, battered about and trailing the truth behind me like a string of kelp that riffled through my fingers. I knew. Then fear set in again. How do I know?! How do I know? A wave drew upon me, ready to crash. How do I know?! Then it broke, tumbling me head over heels in a churning, gurgling maelstrom, bubbles flecked with distant sunlight dancing around my head. I tried to swim. Which way to the light? Which way to safety? The world spun and How do I know?! echoed again in my ears.

I stood on an impossible plain, planted my heels, cocked my head, put my hands brazenly on my hips, addressing the aqueous gargantua that continued to lash at me from the shore. "How do I know?" I replied, "The bye-bye know." Poseidon retracted his trident and froze into a statue.

The bye-bye know.

I was alone. I was always alone, but now I was alone with myself. I held fear at bay now because somewhere in the moments that lay ahead...this one?, this one?, this one?...count it off...one of them held a simple, unmalleable truth: The bye-bye know.

Someone called Rebecca was here. She knew my name, and she told it to me. She knows the bye-bye know too. She sang it for me like Tennessee Ernie did. A scratch on the record and it bounced: How do I know? The bye bye know, The bye-bye know, The bye-bye know...count it off...the bye-bye know, over and over, forever.

She said it was a long, long time ago. The massive old HiFi as big as a chest of drawers. We counted it off together. And afterwards I felt better.