Beanietopper

The victims had been ground into hamburger and sold into savory. Frailfinger was able to outwit the authorities by gluing an umbrella handle to his coccyx with pine gum. Barfwrinkle, on the other hand, was fond of baking handguns into fruit pies. Messerschmidt, always the prankster, insouciantly shot moose DNA at gawky co-eds through a soda straw. It would have been alarming had it not been so frightfully infructuous.

Stop. Do not modify your behavior in any way as a result of what you see in this box. What a job lobbing Bob's slobbering gob to the clobbering mob. Derek was so embarassed at having accidentally shot his wife that he pretended he'd done it on purpose. No longer able to control the brightness of his halogen lamp, Johnathon concluded he was experiencing dimmage damage. Gumball dynasty! Heart string plucker blues! Scaling back. Number of things that now make a difference: zero. Wen yengot notten, yengot notten aluz!

New Business Model

Having gotten completely fed up with referrer spam making tracking of statistics on this blog impossible, and with the acceptance that the statistics are anyway virtually non-existant, and realizing furthermore that the posts here can be just as easily followed on my Twitter timeline, I have decided to change this blog's "Business Model" and start just putting up more "blog-like" posts including observations about various things. Or at least that is the plan for now. In fact I suspect it will make very little difference what I finally end up writing here.

Of course, if after this post, I end up receiving hordes of complaints from people saying that I've destroyed one of their favorite pastimes, I will try to see what I can do to make it up to them. 

I think I know where I'm goin', here...

Zombies typically avoid newfangled GPS solutions, preferring to navigate by dead reckoning.

Nasty...uh...bump, there.

Newton was in fact preceded by a certain Holger Schwanz. Unfortunately it was a Hubbard squash that fell on his head and he never recovered.

Drop it!

When Winky filled his squirt gun with ice water, he ened up getting arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

He's in denial, I'm afraid...

You're missin', Jim, should you decide to accept it.

What's that on your face?

Ricky slipped on his nose-cancelling headphones whenever Rebecca passed by.

Beep-beep!!

The road through the canyon was a known organ traffic route, and today the Wurlitzers were bumper to bumper.

Easy, easy...

Leonard shuffled gingerly across the carpet, trying not to spill the precious droplet of information he was cradling in his noggin.

My what a lovely thought...!

Make up your mind with Neuralia™ cerebral beauty products.

All have one, and all shall have prizes!!

That looks good. Can I have won too?

I'll have what he's having...

If Democrats and Republicans can't find a reason to stop bickering, the terrorists will have one.

Pass the chip-otle...?

PlanetaryNews - Extraterrestrials use non-carbon-based life forms to make silicon carné.

Just do it!

SciMedNews - Study shows that sub-optimal solutions are significantly more fun.

Looks great against that cosmic microwave background!

Marjorie decided to wear her red shift to the big bang.

OK now stick out your tongue. No, your tongue!

As Heresford's condition deteriorated, he had tattoos put on parts of his body so he could remember what they were called.

Ideo-what?

People with ideomotor apraxia are physically unable to perform an action if they have been requested to do so. Sound like someone you know?

Forensic cuisine...

The taco sauce under the victim's fingernails showed he was trying to fight off hunger when he died.

And that aint much...

Mrs. Hinchliff deemed Roberta's contribution one plastic bag short of an air toilet.

Fries with that?

It wasn't easy inspecting livestock in all that wind, but finally the mussed herd mustered mustard.

For What It's Worth

Theres somethin' wrong in this scene
What it is, doesn't look too clean
There's a mole in my cellphone's software
Tellin' me, pretend I'm not there

I think it's time we stop, children, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

There's poverty lines being drawn
Nobody's up if everybody's down
Poor people losin' their minds

Gettin' so much insistence from behind

Time we stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

What a field day for the rich
A thousand corpses in a ditch
Crushed by the weapons we made
Bought with the money you paid
 

It's time we stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

Obliteration's a trip

Into your life it will drip
It starts when your Facebook gets hacked
Try to complain, they come and take you away

We better stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

We better stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

We better stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

We better stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

Look out!

For Hegslager, Twitter served as a sort of air-toilet for his deepest grievances.

Hey wait a minute...!

Harvey became suspicious when the shaman allowed a glass of milk to spill on his makeshift altar and then began to weep above it.

Step right up!

SciMedNews - Study shows death is actually good for you.

Hey, where's everybody goin'?

Rankin the stand-up comic didn't like to be interrupted, and asked the audience to please hold their laughter until he finished his routine.

Wanna see it?

Donald bought himself a pocket lobster.

Now you've done it!

The main reason for doing anything appears to be avoiding what would happen if you didn't do it.

As if in a dream...

Secondary revision (n) (psych): waking up on the couch and pouring your drink back into the bottle

Cut that out!

If nature abhors a vacuum, why does it keep sucking?

Nice to know god is watching over us...

The human lifespan is determined by the moment when the pleasure of watching us die begins to outweigh the pleasure of watching us suffer.

Run that by me again?

I could tell I wasn't being clear. My shadow was plainly visible.

No, I never meant for you to....oh never mind!

Finally we met god and asked him what consciousness was and he apologized and said it was all a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again!

Hmm. He don't dance though, do he?

That one over there on the hillside, all by himself, they call him Resonates with No One.

First time *they* ever called *me*...

"Ricky? That was 911. They said you're supposed to be having a heart attack."

Can't help it...

Gerald never got to the point, and he loved to frolic on the hillside. He was a ramblin', gambolin' man, but she loved him anyway.

Now that's usin' your head...!

Never wear gloves while invisible, if you don't want to show your hand

What's he doin' with 'im in there anyway...?!

Put the dog down and get out of the closet, Larry. Its "carpe diem" and "cave canem", not the other way around!

Now that's thinkin ahead...!

Instead of a laptop, Mudlip carried a 1/2 inch steel plate in his backpack. In case of a shootout, it might just save his life.

Hmm, needs more bitterness...

A soup made from teardrops and mangled hearts.

Ah 'twas all a dream!

When Nelson awoke from his reverie, the girl he held was his glass, and her nipple but a ripple in his tipple.

Oh I mighta known that was gonna happen...

Preexclusiogallinacionumeration.

Pass the mustard please...

The panther said he would eat Mudlap, but it was all ingest.

Talk about original sin...!

By the time Steinpiltz was born, the police were already there waiting for him with handcuffs.

Takes guts...

"My name's Lysergic Acid Diethylamide," recited the gel cap nervously when it became his turn, "and I'm a psychedelic."

Better stick to the norm...

It was stoical sigma that finally convinced many an outlier to return to the mean.

Saved my life, mom...!

Seconds ticked by as Ryan squirmed helplessly in the overturned kayak, and then he remembered his mother's words: don't forget to right.

Incognito...

The disguise seemed to be working. Alan's genius had been sitting in the coffee shop for over an hour and so far, no one had recognized him.

Jerk...

When he was 17, Alistair had a stroke of luck that left him with a slight smirk for the rest of his life.

He really was a master of light....

Satan on the dock of the bay, by Vermeer.

Stick *that* in your recommendation engine and banner it!!

The goal of the Orthogonovel Project is to train authors to create works that resonate strongly with 1 individual, but leave others unfazed.

I *thought* I smelled alcohol...!

Clamfolder was well known as a man of great spirituosity.

Hey, lighten up!

Albert wanted cosmetic surgery on the bulb of his nose, but all the doctors were proposing LEDs.

C'mon, get a move on!

Do what you like, but you must do something.

We'll need a certified copy of that diploma...

ZoologyToday: Lobster's degree now minimum requirement for entry into Arthropoda phylum.

Less things stay the same, more they get different. Wait what?

Years ago, everything was less different. Things were more or less all the same.

Not sure that really helps...

SciNews: In rare interview, Schroedinger cat declares "mixed feelings" about quantum interpretation.

I remember hearing slurping noises a lot....

Well I don't know who I worked for last year, sir, I was blindfolded the whole time.

Well, that'll be easy...

Finally Whirtle understood that his only avenue of escape was to stay exactly where he already was.

Time to re-think a number of things...

SciTechNews - Harvard Game Theory group discovers 53rd playing card. Man's fundamental understanding of universe called into question.

Wishing won't make it so....

His cellmate grinned at him across the tiny enclosure, steadfastly refusing to be anyone else.

Who you calling corny?!

Rheinpfaltz had perfected a way of making popcorn pop simply by insulting it.

There there now...

Inkblot's whimpering was keeping the whole camp awake, so finally Jurv took a lump of feldspar and rocked him to sleep.

Talk to Mr Bed!!

What's best when depressed?
Deep rest! Deep rest!
And stay in your nest 'til you're less depressed
You want a way to survive this mess?
Talk to Mr Bed!

Get with the system, lady.

Ginger's grievance was rejected because it was a non-compliant complaint.

Step aside!

Henry wanted something, but unfortunately nothing stood in the way of his getting it.

And you know what that means...

Granger's wikiup suddenly came to a juddering stop, as an odor of fresh mealworms tantalized his nostrils.

My god how inhuman!

To compound the detainees' suffering, the guards would distract them while they were cooking, causing them to overcook their pasta.

Although, if he'd been a little more careful...

The other fireflies always thought Harvey wasn't too bright, until that night he streaked out on a windshield.

Take that!

As a scientist Alex knew that the aliments we take in are teaming with microbes, and he enjoyed listening to them scream as he chewed.

Whew, they made it!

SpiceLife - Parsley, sage & rosemary place 4th, 2nd & 3rd resp. in race against thyme.

Monetize, there must be a way to monetize this...

Gottfried's anonymity had gone viral overnight, and by morning he was completely unknown!

Suzanne Vega meets Disraeli Gears...

You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever, 

I am sitting
In the morning
At the diner
On the corner

But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun.

I am waiting
At the counter
For the man
To pour the coffee

And the colours of the sea bind your eyes with trembling mermaids,

And he fills it
Only halfway
And before
I even argue

And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses,

He is looking
Out the window
At somebody
Coming in

How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing,

"It is always
Nice to see you"
Says the man
Behind the counter

For the sparkling waves are calling you to kiss their white laced lips.

To the woman
Who has come in
She is shaking
Her umbrella

And you see a girl's brown body dancing through the turquoise,

And I look
The other way
As they are kissing
Their hellos

And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea.

I'm pretending
Not to see them
And Instead
I pour the milk

And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body,

I open
Up the paper
There's a story
Of an actor

Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind.

Who had died
While he was drinking
He was no one
I had heard of

The tiny purple fishes run laughing through your fingers,

And I'm turning
To the horoscope
And looking
For the funnies

And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.

When I'm feeling
Someone watching me
And so
I raise my head

Her name is Aphrodite and she rides a crimson shell,

There's a woman
On the outside
Looking inside
Does she see me?

And you know you cannot leave her for you touched the distant sands

No she does not
Really see me
Cause she sees
Her own reflection

With tales of brave Ulysses, how his naked ears were tortured

And I'm trying
Not to notice
That she's hitching
Up her skirt

By the sirens sweetly singing...

And while she's
Straightening her stockings
Her hair
Is getting wet

The tiny purple fishes run lauging through your fingers,

Oh, this rain
It will continue
Through the morning
As I'm listening

To the bells
Of the cathedral
I am thinking
Of your voice...

And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter. 

And of the midnight picnic
Once upon a time
Before the rain began...

I finish up my coffee
It's time to catch the train

Rolls right off my back!!

Albert eschewed raincoats, preferring to daub himself with teflon powder when showers were expected.

I'm a bit hazy on that...

You could hardly say it was sunny but the fog wasn't mist either.

Nice goin'...

Some people play to win. Rintztag failed to succeed.

Sobering....

They were a Ruthless society. They had plenty of other serviceable names for their female citizens, but that one they refused to touch.

Were those war dogs?

To confuse their enemies, the warthogs wore dogs' war togs.

Devilishly good!!

Loretta's prizewinning spare rib recipe used the dark underbellies of what were ostensibly healthy, well-adjusted pigs.

Lemme see that!

I'm afraid it's god's will, Ronald. And he didn't leave you a thing.

Get back in there!

Each time a new detail emerged, Reginald whacked it on the snout with a rolled-up issue of The Guardian.

Get back in there!

Each time a new detail emerged, Reginald whacked it on the snout with a rolled-up issue of The Guardian.

Hey thanks!

Oh, well we've all finished eating already, Matthew, but you're welcome to pick through the garbage if you like.

Eureka!!

One day in 1959, while wrestling with his inner lemons, Trevor Mudlip came up with the idea of a juice bar.

Straighten that tie, Charlie!!

Of all the lower primates, bonobos seem to have the most viable monkey business plan.

Say what?

Cargo pockets are the Devil's earlobes.

How's tricks over in your hemisphere?

A web of interconnect axons and dendrites allows neurons in the brain to communicate with each other - sort of a cellular telephone network!

If he can just make it through Christmas...

After a week on the antipsychotics, the visions of sugarplums dancing in Walter's head seemed to have finally subsided.

Yeah, you busy next Wednesday?

Andy always tried to march to the beat of a different drummer, but he couldn't always find one so there were some repeats in his list.

It really sucks!!

Reicherdt firmly maintained that he was the first person in the world to have nicknamed his vacuum cleaner Chupacabre.

I feel lightheaded...

Franklin felt much better once the physician had removed the offending deadline from his conscious awareness.

Now I forgot why I called...

By sheer coincidence, the wrong number Lewis reached turned out to be the person he was actually trying to call!

Good show!!

Jacquemard's contribution to the underlying chaos was considered by many to be worth its weight in tofu.

Your turn...

Step up to Life™, the Masochist's Paradise!

That'll be a billion dollars please...

NowReading: An Arm and a Legacy - Warfare in the Age of the Pilotless Drone, by Guettscher Bucksworth

That explains a lot of things...

According to the panstoogia hypothesis, all earthly tomfoolery was seeded by highjinks of extraterrestrial origin.

Bye, cuspid!!

SciNews - Fossil record shows dental floss invented by gerbil ancestor.

It's just not fair...

Silurian daredevils dominated this year's waltz competition.

There ya go!

Something got you down? Try ... something else.

I think ya missed a spot there...

Try Humdrum™ brand Fate Sealers.

What's the ice-tray for...?

Oh, that's just Marty recharging his platypus.

Think he missed the point...

As he lay dying on the pavement, the snake twisted his body into a question mark, to ask why.

Look out!

Warning: Concepts understood in retrospect are more fundamental than they appear.

Er, thanks, I guess...

This is a Boltzmann post. It emerged spontaneously from random background processes. You're welcome.

Pay no attention to that...

A buzzer went off, signaling that nothing had happened.

Nope...

Back in a sec, I'm just gonna go see if anybody's recognized my genius yet.

See?

Squinting makes you no less blind.

Latin lover?

Well of course I find you attractive, Charlotte, I mean, mutatis mutandis.

Does he understand the gravity of the situation?

"I cannot weight any longer," he said as he floated away.

No, it's for *me*!!

Would Mr. Spartacus please pick up a white courtesy telephone.

How 'bout that!

His Before was greeted with uproarious After.

How noble!!

One of the first acts they learned at mime school was a dramatic but simple number entitled "Human Sack of Rice".

C'mon now...

"Nice sketch," said Noah to the monkey, "but you know you've got to draw the lion somewhere."

Take that!

"Ocu-pie!" cried Slingshot, as he plastered the minister in the eyeglasses with the cream-filled confection.

I feel better already...

When the doctor told Howard that alcohol was disturbing his sleep patterns, he vowed to quit drinking each day by 5 pm.

There's an app for that...

License and registration? No can do, officer. I've gone to a totally paperless workspace.

Gimme another swig o' that...

Having trouble getting your mind around difficult philosophical concepts? Step up to Socrate-Ease™ cerebral lubricant products.

Ah, those were the days...

In the distance, Glauber could discern the telltale windlasses that made whale-hobbling the glorious adventure it was.

Look, guys, I just want coffee...

No, *I* am Spartacus, and *I'll* be your waiter!

Good luck with that...

We who are about to bail salute you.

Don't peck at your food!

Chickens share 100% of their genetic material with humans, particularly at lunch or dinner.

Either you got it or you don't...

Rufus tried his best to play the fool but he wasn't fooling anyone.

Now, anybody seen the poker and tongs?

Waxworth caught the flue after his chimney exploded.

Color me stipud!!

Farbtinter made his living dyeing.

The dawn of awareness.

Suddenly it dawned on Bessie that she was a cow, and she was just standing there munching grass and thinking about, well, not much at all.

Hey, didn't we already pass those guys?

2π or not 2π, that is the phase ambiguity.

Over here!

"Nogward ho!" trumpeted the Yuletude revelers.

Or at least it was...

Later is the new now.

Eureka!!

Isaac nudged the apple away sleepily, vowing to think about it later, when all of a sudden he sat up and cried, "Hey, why weight?!"

C'mon lighten up...

Please put anything in the toilet bowl. It doesn't matter.

Little extra room over here....

Sensing potentially leaner times ahead, Oliver began stockpiling lipids about his midsection.

Something missing here...

One man's doorknob is another man's empty doorknob-shaped space.

Oh, what a tangled mess we leave...

All the dental floss Winifred had used in her life suddenly came back to haunt her and there was not a god damn thing she could do about it.

Guess I could snug up those screws...

Is your toilet well secured to the floor? What if a giraffe stood on it to change a light bulb, fell & broke her neck? You'd be responsible.

Right away, thir!!

Humphrey, can you gallop down to the Safeway and pickup some oyster crackers?

Burp....

She's gone, but I don't worry/ I'm sittin' on top of the food chain.

My third grade teacher Miss Harvey was also instrumental....

I'd like to take this moment to curse my parents, without whose selfishness and indifference I might have gone on to win an award some day.

That light really go out when you close it?

"Where the sun never shines? Oh, Jack just means the refrigerator!"

You sure you wrote this?

It was clear the work was not original, for the page was covered with dragon droppings.

Feeling better already...!

Humor is a drunken hyena, and laughter is the messed bed it's in.

You bought what?

Have just purchased a dozen madamutsch.

Eat smart!

CannibalismToday: Study suggests intelligent people are more nourishing.

I hadn't noticed...

Influencing the world through irrelevance.

Aye, get to work...!

Nose, meet grindstone.

Pray for sauce...

Crucifix pasta.

Some new Yesterday covers...

Fingernails
Weaving handkerchiefs for garden snails
Slightly larger ones for alpha males
Oh I believe in fingernails
------------
Porcupines
Have been holding up our five and dimes
Stealing Nyquil for their happy times
Oh I believe in porcupines
------------
Buggerdom
Aunt Jemima in an aqualung
Blowing kisses wrapped in bubble gum
Oh I believe in buggerdom

Oh my god, Ralph, I don't want to lose you!!

"Alright I'll tell you," Ralph said finally to Hester, "the doctor says I have old age, and I'll only have 20, maybe 30 more years to live."

Caution: do not drop pins after opening...

In the raucous hubbub of the marketplace, Derek set up a stand selling little packages marked "Wrapped Silence".

Superboid...

No no, vision, not pigeon. He's got X-ray vision.

Oops, sorry again...!

King Waldorf had no rhythm, and much to the dismay of his subjects, made the court musicians use a chaotic metronome at all royal functions.

You there, what's that little bulge in your pocket?!

When prisoners had finished their sentences, they were required to give back any punctuation they'd used in constructing them.

You know you've just been screwed when...

Once Jack had signed the contract, the representative snatched it in the air and ululated as if brandishing a bloodied bedsheet.

You're sentencing me to *what*?!

Blind? No, it's worse than that. Justice is blond.

Voilà!!

Jorge was the first to draw blood. He always kept his red crayon on top of the stack.

Swim for your lives...!

I was just washed away by all the outpourings of kindness that never crossed anyone's mind.

Oh well, too late...

Apologies for cross-postings. Please waste your time reading this only if it concerns you.

A pregnant moment...

They watched in rapt silence, as if waiting for a dog to finish its business.

Say what?

Jethro felt like nobody was talking to him anymore, but the doctor told him he was suffering from ear elephants.

I was just watchin' him and all of a sudden boom...

Mirror neuron on the wall, which one of us pulled the trigger, y'all?

Blueberry blues...

It's pie, Marty, and I'll cry if I want to.

Har-de-har!!

SciTechNews - Latest satellite data prove universe evolved to present form by Comic Natural Selection.

Sir, number 3 has been acting irrationally lately...

SciNews - Teenage Chicago math whiz proves pi is actually an integer.

What a blast!!

"Pimp my blimp!" parroted Field Marshall Hindenburg lugubriously.

Fingernails

Fingernails
All the outlaws looked like Josey Wales
Now their tans are pale as India Ales
Oh I believe, in fingernails

Pardon me
I've got pasta sauce all over me
Maybe someone else could go for me?
Tomato paste, is slippery

Why she's blowing her nose on her clothes, I couldn't say
She said something's wrong, they're too long, my fingernails

Fingernails
Disney characters on monorails
To be comfortable must curb their tails
Oh, I believe in fingernails

Why she's blowing her nose on her clothes, I couldn't say
She said something's wrong, they're too long, my fingernails

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmm Mmm Mm Mm

In an hour, sunflower...

Seal ate her alligator,
In a vile, crooked aisle.

This Justin.....

Star craving mad.

Ha ha fooled ya, we're really chlorine!!

Oxygen masquerade.

What...is...that thing...?

"We'll build termite mounds right into the fabric of spacetime itself!" proposed the leprechaun maliciously.

Pasta fazool anyone?

After the 3rd time he got hit in the eye with a pizza, Rico decided that, amore or no amore, he was going to keep his head down from now on.

And what but the hand of god...?

GalaxyNews - Scientist discover handle labelled "Flush" at center of Milky Way.

Smack!

Drop the hick accent and kiss me, Beltloop!

It belonged to your grandfather...

This is your pudding fork, Ellsworth, use it wisely.

What's that, about a centimeter, no?

It was finally a rather lackluster imprecation that he gave, sort of a half-inchallah, if you will.

Now how'd he do that?

Somewhere in a parallel universe there's someone exactly like you but who's doing a much better job of it.

It's spiral sliced!!

Am having a bacon, lettuce, and tornado sandwich.

Chalk Figures on the Floor

On a day like today
Forensics passed our way
Drawing chalk figures on the floor

How you laughed when I cried
I took your life, then I died
Now we’re chalk figures on the floor

You made a vow that you would ever be true
But somehow that vow meant nothing to you

Now our broken hearts fade
With every step that's made
Over chalk figures on the floor

How our broken hearts fade
With every step that's made
Over chalk figures on the floor

Don't make me do it, kid...

Tod flicked his cigarette away & cocked the hammer back with his thumb. "I'm tellin' ya for the last time, Tommy," he said, "eat your peas."

Well lemme see now...

Those who have fulfilled their duty are appreciated, while those who have not are condemned. Please experience the case that applies to you.

Yo, bro!

Reuters - Universal court decrees that everything must rhyme/ Violators prosecuted, folks be doin' time!

On the other hand...

Two conflicting realities assemble themselves within me. One, by its gravity, prevails; the other shuffles off, perchance to Buffalo?

Hygiene of dreamy...

Found a Boltzmann brain in a jar of marmalade. He said grant me three wishes or I'll pull you in here with me.

Hey! Over here!

The fact is there are a lot of straws out there who wouldn't mind at all being grasped at once in a while.

Always has been for me....

God a light?

Aint broke, don't fix...

Although his hair had receded dramatically, Jacques still wore a ponytail, and had renewed the gob of epoxy holding his wire-rims together.

Let lying dogs sleep!

"Well of course we're still in Kansas, Toto, now go back to sleep, it was just a bad dream."

Run that by me again...?

SciTechNews - Technology guru Lerome Janier predicts future human communication will be digital, via Morse-code eye-blinks.

What're...chitlins...?

Populate your word cloud with a Dixie melody.

What's he mean by that....?

Cabbage is nine-tenths of the slaw - Paul Bocuse

Get a life, guys...

Bumble beings.

Get 'em while they're not...

Full grown elephants no larger than a quarter.

You can keep your hat on...

"I'm not naked," Rhonda explained to the congregation, "these are my intelligent designer clothes."

Catastrophe at Disneyland!!

There was so much magic in the air that everyone suffocated and died.

Make him say it again!!

Little Chucky wasn't good for much, but he did the most faithful rendition of "thuffrin' thuccotash" any Strudelslinger had ever heard!

Come back, they forgot the anchovies...!!

TechBizNews - Boston startup to deliver pizza using unmanned drones.

I am Coriolis, come from the dead...

PlanetNews - Earth's rotation will be shut down for maintenance today from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Residents are advised to remain indoors.

You sure you read that recipe right...?

Benjamin tossed the spoon in the sink and shook his head. "I think we're going to have to outsauce," he concluded.

I don't wanna be cleaning up after her...

Ripley would never accept a new love into his life without first making sure she was heartbroken.

There he is with that gol dang ring o' truth o' his....again!

Gradually the populace understood that Wordfondler couldn't be trusted to lie to them.

Hand me that flashlight, Elroy...

SciTechNews - Sky Survey team has identified sentient beings made of dark matter, but they are not very bright.

Anybody seen Elvis lately?

Before he knew it, William's investment had ended up costing him a chunk o' chunk o' burnin' change.

Alice? Can you bring me the Halliday and Resnick please?

"Avogadro's number, please," requested the operator.

Please hold...

For security purposes we have decided to be a pain in the ass.

In a roundabout way....

To say that pi is a never ending fraction is circular logic - Isosceles

In the Vienna sausage interpretation...

The mathematical construct for introducing a miniature hot dog into an existing quantum mechanical system is known as Furterbation Theory.

Little sauce on that?

FunFacts - World's smallest spaghetti noodle is only 4.1 Angstroms long.

I could almost taste it....

Loretta survived twelve days trapped in the root cellar by smelling the garlic on her fingertips.

Why autocomplete is dangerous...

Frank supposed it was very unlikely he would be killed by the enraged cougar, for he had never been killed by one before.

Succeeding the old fashioned way...

Cranfield managed to eke out an existence bottling the sweat of his brow and selling it at swap meets for $2 a 50 ml vial.

Hey what a great idea...!

TechNews - MIT researchers test "Intelligent Environment" that gently proposes new life options based on past behavior, choices, and likes.

Mustard?

Life is a sandwich. That thinner piece is inner peace.

Honest, I swear to god he didn't...

A sabre-toothed cat, parachuting in from an alien civilization, did not just dive through the sliding glass door and disembowel my sofa.

You mean....?!

"Marjorie, it didn't just *belong* to my grandmother, that *is* my grandmother!"

Try again...

Life is a captcha.

It is not!!

I hate to say it, but stuff that doesn't happen is a hell of a lot more interesting than stuff that does.

Sig, Hi!

Winchell told the principal he hadn't intended to make a Nazi salute, that it was just a rogue wave.

Feeling better now?

Walter had set up mood swings in the back yard for the kids.

Or was it muscle and blood...?

SciNews - Illinois elementary school class builds quantum computer out of mud.

So bee it...!!

"The hive is empty, Your Highness, what gives?"/ "I don't know, all I said was ''swarm today'."

That's a big responsibility....

"I don't know," sniffled the abacus, "it's just that...well...people *count* on me."

You'll catch your death...!!

Unreasonably bold leather for late Spring.

Hardy-frickin'-har!

Winona's chuckle was so hearty she was frequently accused of involuntary manslaughter.

Quoth the great Lao Tzu...

To stand without fear before a charging rhino, one must know the length of its power cord.

Big appetite? Quantity discount?

When the waiter arrived, Marty gestured at the menu and asked, "How much for everything?"

Thanks for..euh...sharing that...

Alfred inexplicably insisted that he was wearing film shorts.

Hey, where do you think you're going...?

The pointless arrow of time.

Slides rule!!

Check it out on the slipstick, Sigfried, if you don't believe me.

I can feel it in my vowels...

My legs feel like logs. Did I forget to cross my e's again?

Deadly...

So he turns to N and I and says, "C'mon it's a killer word, it's got 'ass' in it twice! Are you guys in?"

Does the halo go inside or outside the horns?

Each time you walk in leather shoes, a cow angel dies.

Aye, there's the rub...

It's timestamped and geotagged, so we've got the when and where. All we need to know now is, why?

Woke up this mornin', looked 'round for my shoes...

Couldn't find my shoes this morning. Someone was out walking a mile in them before criticizing me.

Ah aint it pitiful...

If you've only got a st-stammer, everything looks like a f-fail.

And they believed it...!

Reuters - American Clown Council passes new series of gag rules.

So it turns out everybody really is a comedian...

Reuters - NIH study shows 3.1% of human genetic material comes from clowns.

Sizzle gently with rage...

Henschel slammed the refrigerator door and flopped his anger-management porkchop into the frying pan.

War moon 'em, England belle-guy!

Valium is always divisive, in part as stress - Julius Caesar

He aint heavy, he's...euh...

Detlef feigned weightlessness each time Miranda passed by, and eventually she got the hint.

Must have got his wires crossed.

Alvin realized with horror that the circuit diagram on his power point slide contained a prominent swastika.

Impressive...!

"This is my big day," Shavowitz informed us, "I'm expecting 30-35 hours, minimum."

Add a scoop of Windex granita for only $2!!

And don't forget to try Chugalug Manor's signature banana-wood smoked armadillo fajitas!

Now rinse and repeat...!!

Benedict was ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation after attempting to shampoo a killer whale.

Still hangin' in there....

The primitive infrared emanations of Maggy's old gas stove remained discernable above the cosmic microwave background.

Oh, I get it...

All is allusion. I think you know what I mean.

They were neck and neck last week...

LexicNews - Study shows XYZ now leading ABC in easiness ranking.

Mixed grill or mixed metaphor?

Genuine mother-of-pearl dental retainers are the cage fights of the misinterpreted. - Humphrey Bogart

Plucky lad!!

As Martin extricated himself from the wreckage, he reckoned that if he hailed another cab, he might still just make his plane.

It's been what, 15 years?

Laurel was a terrible correspondent already while she was alive, so you can imagine how things got afterwards.

What'd'ja put in this, anyway....?

Distastelessness.

Latest this week...

Braking News - Safe following distance increased to 11 car lengths.

The service was a bit chaotic...

"Wait a minute," said God, as the waiter brought him a secong helping of entropy, "I didn't order this."

Easy on the firewater next time!

Duckfeather snorted in his sleep and woke up the whole wikiup.

How the heck are ya?!

I am Lazarus, come from the dead, and I'm really glad to have this opportunity to chat with you.

Do your own dirty work!!

MathNews: Sinusoids to strike, "throw off yoke of Fourier transform",  refuse "to represent anything & everything" at whim of Coefficients.

Weasel poo for you too, sir?

Buford didn't take any chances. He always had his coffee's genome sequenced before he drank it.

You never know...

Sharon Dipity, please stop by the customer service desk. It just might end up changing your whole life.

Sweet!!

Never make a latte with the milk of human kindness - Baristotle

Head 'em up?

Whether 'tis straighter in the saddle to suffer the slings 'n arrows 'n keep that carcass movin', or to take arms against a slew o'troubles, 'n by opposin', rawhide!

Put that back!

Benson got fired from his job at the foie-gras factory for his too-literal interpretation of "enjoy it while you can".

Smile!

BusinessNews - Weber Inc. branches out into hip-hop market with enameled stainless grills.

No probs!

"Oops," he said, stooping to wipe up the mess, "mea kulfi!"

Head 'em up, move 'em out...again...and again...

Keep that carcass movin', rawhide!

Try harder...

Terkel was fine as spur of the moment, but he never made flavor of the month.

What's he trying to tell us...?

Finally we understood that Bernard was doing a figure-8 waggle dance

Dat aint workin'!

Jeff accused Alan of producing a seminal work.

A real mankiller...

There were no survive hers.

Keep it down, eh?

One man's signal is another man's noise.

Hopscotch your way through life...

Today is the last day of an appropriately reordered version of your life.

Automatic or stick...?

PeopleNews - New York socialite Ventimiglia Carcasse de Dinde surprised in tryst with unleavened Maserati.

Now, he was truly a lone...

Shadows danced over the the trusty Indian sidekick's inert body in the light of the campfire as the night air filled with kemosobbing.

Oh, sorry...

Would you mind standing to the side a little, you're holding your sway over me.

Tragdey, just tragedy...

After mourning all afternoon, there were a lot of dazed knights that evening.

Keep them dogies movin'!!

No, Jacky, you mean rancher, or cowboy. A catalyst is something else.

So where d'ya hail from, there....euh...guy....?

Frankencisco.

What's wrong with your eyes?

He found it difficult to picture her without compression artefacts.

Lamborguini anyone?

Aldo knew he'd been boiling too fast, and now the Pasta Police were after him. "Can I see some al dente please," demanded the officer.

Keep it in mind...

Everything you desire may be used against you.

Hey, he's leavin' the ground...!

If you're imaginary and you know it flap your arms.

Man's best friend...

"Elseward, Chucklepuppy!" declared Hurwitz as he raised his gimlet in a toast.

Putting the loo in kopi luwak...

Ultimately, Daniel replaced the bean hopper on his Gaggia with a cage full of live weasels.

Nasty scrape there, James...

007 had stumbled in the garden during his cigarette break, so they ended up having a mint spy for dessert.

Always wondered what was in there...

Just before he pulled the trigger, he cracked open his Dinky Bird and drank it.

The colors are amazing...!

Diaper rash sunset.

Born around 1250 it seems...

Oh, I carbon dated her for a while, but finally decided she was too old for me.

You gonna finish those noodles...?

"What happened to the last Eozapus setchuanus?"

"An owl ate her. You hungry again?

Oh well, scratch that idea...

"Itch please!" cried Samson when his mosquito bite started flaring up again.

Man up, man...

No, Ferdinand's dealer informed him, he could not sell him a "child's portion".

Don't get around much, does he...?

Few noticed that Alphonse had been replaced by his mean value.

Bravo...er...never mind....

Ashamed, and proud of it.

Somebody gonna get whacked...

"Cabbage, please!" cried the chef, when the vegetable suggested he add pine nuts to the coleslaw.

Nosferatu

Nosferatu, won't you come in from the trenches?
You been out bitin' wenches, for so long now
You're a hard one, I know that you like your bleedin's
Those things that are feedin' you can hurt you somehow

That was a close shave!

Fork over the wallet, chump, this is a fund razor.

Here, hold this.

For their anniversary, Bertie got Mathilde a silver-plated grudge holder.

Well then how in the world do you....?

The Thrungians laughed out loud when they learned humans had not yet discovered gilmicofilburation.

Is that blood on his smock?

The chef himself came out next, proudly displaying the charred animal he'd just hacked to pieces on a colorful terra-cotta platter.

Word salad?

A delicious mélée of Indo-European roots and vegetables.

Call me when dinner's ready...

You're not alone anymore. Chump.

When will it end?

Reuters - Worldwide sushi boycott enters third mindwarp.

Maybe try earplugs...

Martha swore she could hear the bacteria screaming as they died within her.

Tuber or not tuber...

CelebNews - New York socialite Neuralgia von Tippelwasser surprised in tryst with common root vegetable.

Make it happen!!

Jeremiah grabbed a bottle of Windex and set out looking for a window of opportunity.

I can't stop yawning...!

Could your life be too interesting? Step up to Bordacel™ events and situations.

Should that be on fire like that?

Reuters - Boeing completes battery of tests in tests of batteries.

Want your change back in pixels or letters?

MarketNews - Picture reaches all time low of 373.2 words.

Well, whaddaya think now?

Before you criticize someone, walk a dog in their shoes.

How we gonna get across this damn thing?

The fascination afforded by a view of the Grand Canyon goes back to meander thrall times.

Line me up anudder one dem...

The Anklebracelet: One part beef bouillon; one part paint thinner; 1 tsp lime juice; sliver of fresh ginger.

Wonder how he did that....?

Very lovely, but I said I needed to tune a piano, not a tuna piano.

Afterwards you can walk in their shoes if you want...

Before you criticize someone, slap 'em around a bit to make sure they're not going to fight back.

Tough luck, chump, I wa'n't on your list.

Reuters - New legislation requires citizens to explicitly identify and inform all who are not authorized to commit crimes against them.

Oh now I wasn't aware of that...

Reuters - Inanimate objects plan major strike to demand consciousness.

Join the LockedOut Bulwark. That's an order!!

37022 people formally excluded you from their inner circles this week. Joined LockedOut Bulwark and show the world you know how to snub too!

How have you bean?

Frijoless (adj): possessing or containing no beans

Duck!!

For who knows what the butcher may fling?

A good egg, wot.

Egbert was part of a patrician line. There were no omlets in his family tree.

Come to your senses, man!

OddFacts - The song "Days Per Auto", popularized by Eagles and others, was originally written by Henry Ford, inventor of the assembly line.

Fries with that?

With Ummagumma's patented new integrated forensic speleology manifold, enjoy döner kebab the size of Wayne Newton in total asynchrony!!

What's that ringing sound...?

Truth (n): the least useful interpretation of any event or situation

Boo-hoo!

She was so cold-hearted she made men weep. They called her Miss Cry-o-genic.

Say again? Pepperoni and what?

A skeet-launcher delivered freshly baked pizzas frisby-like across the chasm separating the settlement from civilization.

Just to dress things up a bit...

Hendrik proposed putting curtains around the door, but Winifred preferred to skirt the issue.

Whatever floats your boat...

"Excuse me," inquired the peacock as he eased his oversized dessert wedge into the wading pool, "but is this flan bouyant?"

Don't try to trig me...

Circle-cell anomia is often fetal but has no external sines or cosines.

Egad what is that thing?!

SciTechNews - Transgenic musician gives birth to melon/collie baby.

Aint that something!

I've done nothing today, but it's nothing to be proud of!

Takes a bit of the sting out of it...

Before you criticize someone, chalk a smile on their shoes.

Let's have a look at those mouth parts...

Heidegger's nephew claimed to be able to digest cellulose.

Sure knows his way around...

We'd have gotten lost in the little back streets of Venice without our alligator.

Quick, get a coathanger!

Died of a hartichoke.

Anything else on?

Undertainment (n): term describing any sub-threshold artistic or variety show, presentation, film, etc.

That's wah-wah, not oui-oui!

Fluctuat nec airguitar.

Hand me that nail file...

Samuel carved a notch in his personality for every friendship he destroyed.

Speak of the Devil!

GodNews - Controlled tests show identical spiritual fulfillment scores for patients using actual religions and those receiving a placebo.

But the pages are all blank!!

Reuters - Homeopathy researchers prove Bible still effective even when so diluted no characters remain.

Alarm clock? Fire alarm?

Jack still hadn't figure out what had made that loud ringing sound in the middle of the night, but at least the phone was off the hook.

Call the aye-yi-yi-yi doctor!!!

Waylan peeked into the end of an overripe avocado and ended up getting glaucamole.

I don't think they were crazy about you either...

I have just met my goals. Didn't like them a bit. Boring, pretentious...

Well then who's that fella?

Views expressed in this mirror do not reflect those of the Vampire Council or any other official Realm of the Undead organization.

Oh noded!!

That the imp lied implied that the imp uploaded load imploded.

Boom!

Reuters - ATF bureau moves to ban Semtex marriages.

Oh, I get it!

Your genome, Wingnut, is the thing that makes you me.

You gonna finish that burger...?

"Ahhh," smiled Helmholtz as he felt the life draining from his body, "alone at last!"

Giddyap!!

"No no," corrected the librarian, "resource, not racehorse. Think of me as a resource."

Thermal vent humor #328

The other tubeworms made Ernie understand in no uncertain terms that his "Habemus papam!" wisecrack was not funny.

Little higher...no, the other button!

Have just purchased an electric hackle raiser.

Outslaws....

Somewhere in the West of old
Where sandwich chefs roamed lawless
There stood a greasy spoon that dared
To serve its platters slawless
Aside from lack of greens I found
Their execution flawless
So if you want their street address
Just drop a line, or call us!

Spoken like a true knotter...

It's not that I knot, it's that I cannot *not* knot.

Oh is that what all those sirens were...

Morning has broken. Experts are on the way.

I remember it as if it were yesterday...

Sigmund Freud's favorite wine was Geburtstraumaner.

How's the weather up there?

Turkle went to the costume party dressed as Beerano de Sir Giraffe.

Here, drink some water...

The administration had instituted a gag rule and hired a gag ruler to enforce it.

See?

Arcturus had developed a new type of eyeglasses that he claimed could cure enigmatism.

Clean up your room!!

Girl-handled pigsty.

Order yours now!!

Mooch-proof spaghetti whistle.

Available in stick, spray, or drip-proof applicator!!

Use Crucifix™ for all your parochial adhesion needs.

Say again?

Silence, for if a noise annoys, we won't hear woe 'n tear.

Wellcome to Munchkin Land!!!

The treacly sweet taste lingering in Alistair's mouth represented the lollipop guilt of the previous night's binge.

Hold it a little closer, I can't read the next one...

The very first time the 10 commandments were read, it was clear they were bushlit.

Colorful personality that Duncan...

For a tomato, Duncan was very well read.

Slice of life, anyone?

Timothy awoke to find himself made entirely of bread.

Guess it will just have to do for now...

Enjoy your day. You won't get another one 'til tomorrow.

Quick, lower the control rods!!

It is well known that when your cranium reaches critical mess, it explodes!

Yabbut, is that all...?

Thereupon the number one sprung into existence, revelling in its unity.

Wouldn't have it any other way...

Range Rovers are the parthenogenetic turkeys of Buddhist methodology.

You won't wriggle out of this one....

It was to be be flamethrowers at 30 Angstroms.

Be, beer, beest?

Wendell claimed he'd reached a higher plane of existence, annoying his drinking buddies with his beer-than-thou attitude.

Re-dick-u-less!!

Reuters - Pioneer sex-change doctor dies peniless in Johannesburg.

Maybe if I nailed 'em down....nah....

The trouble with using penguins as doorstops, concluded Weibull, was that they kept walking away.

We warned you!!!

When Chingfeng opened her eyes, she learned with horror that what the older children had told her was true: there was no Peking!

One, two, a-one two four nine...

Up next was Hoopla McQuarkle, who was carted onstage in a sedan chair.

With all blights and sausages thereunto appertaining.

Elijah received The Golden Suppository Award for outstanding contributions to overall societal malaise.

Cats me if you can!

Cat's are entirely unaffected by the need to bark at sirens that dogs dogs.

Reg? Reg, wake up!

Reginald pulled a hamstring trying to dance to his own circadian rhythm.

Peel me up an 8 incher, Floyd...

Though bananas are not believed indigenous to Titan, they would provide a near perfect building material for inhabitants seeking shelter.

Origin of Words, part 2...

When Adam stepped in eavesdropping, he regretted spying on her.

500 years later....

A little window popped up saying, "Please wait while printing press is being invented."

That's all folks!

Priscilla the Pig was a hell of a nice gal, sooie generis.

You've lost that lovin' feelin'...

We often groaned together, but now we've grown apart.

Get with the program, man!

The vertiginous excrescences of the frog-latin sub-text were lost on Wildroot.

There's been no hanky-panky.

The DNA results are in. We are all god's children.

'Swine

Swine's the finest word, said he
After a copious think
For with the 's' it begs us feed
Without it, bids us drink!

Time to take out the trash...

The fabric of your argument is not enough to garb a djinn.

I'm actually that other guy!

StrangeFacts - Massachusetts man discovers he is actually someone else.

Keep 'em comin'!

TechNews - Scientists harness power of dead rolling over in graves as new source of renewable energy.

Big savings on heavy nuclei!!

Buy a proton and get a neutron at no extra charge!

What's he got that I aint?

Ralph became distressed as Penelope began to drift Edward.

He'd never get past the past...

Harry gave up his dream of being a historian when he realized there was no future in it.

Give the writer's cheer!

Wordward ho!

Hand me that remote....

FracturedNews - "Powerful Equine Painkiller", by Pistorius, is the longest-running animated Majolica-floor film-short in the Benelux region.

This one's a 1953 Type-O Californian...

True hemophile vampires store their fine reds in climate-controlled bloodsheds.

I think it was chapter 5, in fact....

"Ahh!" sighed the character delectably,"I haven't felt this good in pages!"

You want extinct?

Reuters - Any remaining dinosaurs unlikely to have survived second impact, experts say.

We'll come back later...

The developers stopped at the city gate when they saw the "Do Not Suburb" sign.

You check the bathrooms on the concourses yet?

Passengers are requested to kindly sit down and shut up until we've rounded up enough people to fill this plane.

Hasta la disaster!

Reuters - Harbinger of Doom killed in car crash enroute to official policy announcement.

How many watts is there in this LED thingy?

Reuters - Grandson of inventor of clip-on lampshade dies penniless in Minneapolis.

Find a happy medium...

Be fine. Let nature take its coarse.

I want to speak to the manager!

Reuters - Uproar in UK as horsefeathers found in parkas labeled "pure goose down".

The evolution of words...

"Lousy bat's turd," muttered the cave man, wiping his foot on a rock.

So, where you fromage?

It was sharp, like goat cheese, but wholly cow!

27,883,495...27,883,496...27,883,497...

As his punishment, Clemens was condemned to throw a wadded up paper at the wastebasket for the rest of his life, and miss every single time.

Keep it down, eh?

The first time I spoke as a child is still clear in my mind. I remember my dad telling me to shut up.

How to make a significant difference from scratch.

For this recipe you'll need 500g protons, 500g neutrons & 250mg electrons. Work sharply, the lifetime of a free neutron is only 15 minutes!!

Form protons & neutrons into nuclei of carbon, oxygen, nitrogen, potassium, phosphorus, chlorine, and sodium, using electrons to neutralize.

Fashion atoms into water, proteins, sugars, fiber, salts, and fats. You may also create a breathable atmosphere at this time, if desired.

Combine ingredients and mix until a thick batter is obtained. Ladle into individual difference molds and bake at 350° until significant.

Ya gotta try not to think about it...

To add to their hardships, the prisoners were forced to live without middle names while in captivity, sometimes for years at a time.

Come hither, my sweetie!

DatingWorldwide - In North Africa, young men cut their dates from trees, dry them in the sun, and pack them off for sale around the world.

There, that's better...

Feeling insecure after his run-in with his boss, Reginald went out and bought some kapok and a staple gun, to upholster his ego.

Spell that for me?

Gareth brought a felt-tip marker to the Kickoff Meeting so he could write names on the faces.

Coming soon to a sewer near you!

Revenge of the Drains: For hundreds of years, you rammed your waste effluvia down our throats with impunity. Now...it's payback time!!

You from around here?

Jason's fossil record was patchy at best, but he was believed to have had a great aunt named Slow Loris.

OK, now step onto the treadmill...

A free range bird gets more exercise, ensuring a healthy chicken tikka.

How many fingers do you see?

You know a teacher is doing OK if his pupils are responsive.

Let's drop it...

Every single morning Nigel got his shoes all wet walking through the grass. He seemed to be in some kind of dew loop.

I auto teach you a thing or two!!

You complete me. In fact you auto-complete me.

A wee bit o' home far from home...

Jim's dream was to open a fish-and-chips pub on the red planet and call it the Deep Fried Mars Bar.

Better change out o' them wet duds...

There was wet snow falling as they entered heaven and within minutes their souls were cloaked.

Splot!

By eating his cheeseburger over a newspaper, Harold hoped to ketchup on his reading during lunch.

What a lovely purse!

You can't make pink spurs out of owl's hair - Estonian proverb

Darling, we are growing older....

Malcolm always thought Julie looked fine with grey hair, but unfortunately she dyed before he had a chance to tell her.

Try it with yours in the freezer compartment!!

PetFacts: Snakes have a built-in anti-freeze mechanism triggered by embarrassment.

Hey, wake up, it's just a drat beam!

I felt a drip and started sleaming.

Store Meme Undead

Chocolate store meme undead
But truth said, justice pads
Wet stains swerve
Answer says all, sauce-head

Tick off lies unfriendly
Saddened dayglo otters lay
Sentient goaded urge
Embolden amnesic clay

And I say, Lord have mercy
Lord have mercy, mercy on me
I'm just tryin' to find my baby
Won't someone please send her home to me?

Hmm, you got this one in a size 9?

In the Money Works Interpretation of quantum mechanics, all possible outcomes are real, and you simply purchase the one you want.

She was a private woman...

Derek's mother had only opened up to him twice in her life, once to let him in, and once to let him out.

Just hum to block it out...

Fear not silence. It is the sound of the Creator giggling.

Hit me up with that blue jay....

MedFacts - In the days before organized medical care, small birds were often used as syringes.

Whatsat, number a hundred and eleventy six by now?

Reuters - Nuclear clowns add element of surprise to periodic table.

C'mon, hand 'em over!

Tuesday afternoon, Fred and Ferd were lured into a fake bowling alley and divested at gunpoint of their licorice whip neckties.

Ah, OK, I get it...

"Practice," replied the headless apparition, "practice, practice, practice."

Hullo, what's this?!

It was serendipity when Wilson picked up the pieces of the dropped petri dish and realized he had broken the mold.

Base 2 Blues

Richard went to the digit store, but with 0 dollars, he could buy nary a 1.

No I'm sorry sir, but you can't have onions too if you've ordered a cheese NAND.

Think of me next time you get ironed, guy...

No disrespect meant, stranger, but we don't cotton to synthetic fabrics around these parts.

I remember when, we used to sit in the kitchen...

No pumpkin no pie, no pumpkin no pie.

Scarfin'!!

Pear peel pie, dog biscuits, and mildew wine, at the Hammered Dulcimer in Wigwam, South Dakota!!

So, how long have you been dead?

BeautifulCorpse.com  - Where the Dead Meet!

For optimal fun!!

Let's give a great big hand to Grady Indecent and the Local Minima!!

Fweep!!

When the judge finally pronounced sentence, Tyler saw his future unroll before him like a party horn.

Won't you fly high free bird!

C'mon Cartwright, put the bird down. It's *bungee* jumping, alright? Not *budgie* jumping.

Sixteen Points

Some people say a brain runs on sugar and blood
A wasted man's brain runs on alky and drugs
Alky and drugs and tricks and lies
I got a low IQ but my spirit's high

You drop 16 points, and what do you get?
A couple beers shorter and your powder gets wet
Teacher don't you call me 'cause I don't know
I owe my grade to the guy by the door

I was bored one morning when the sun didn't shine
Picked up a sudoku & fired up my mind
You drop 16 points of Stanford-Binet
Did I get the puzzle? You kiddin'? No way!

You drop 16 points, and what do you get?
A couple beers shorter and your powder gets wet
Teacher don't you call me 'cause I don't know
I owe my grade to the guy by the door

I was bored one mornin', it was drizzlin' rain
Puzzlin' and wonderin' are my middle name
Raised in the suburbs by a desperate housewife
Aint no dirtball teacher gonna mess up my life

You drop 16 points, and what do you get?
A couple beers shorter and your powder gets wet
Teacher don't you call me 'cause I don't know
I owe my grade to the guy by the door

If you see me comin', better step aside
A lotta brains didn't and a lotta brains fried
One fifth of bourbon, the other of rum
I like to mix 'em together
Who you callin' dumb?

You drop 16 points, and what do you get?
A couple beers shorter and your powder gets wet
Teacher don't you call me 'cause I don't know
I owe my grade to the guy by the door

What a fruitcake...

Harry, whyn't you go for a nice long walk, I feel my nut allergy comin' back.

Along came a spider...

Tarantula rain.

Will grow brain for food...

Finally François understood that standing on the corner ringing a bell with a silver plated mercy bucket at his feet was a dumb idea.

What are we Tolkien about?!

In Lard of the Rings, the Flabbits inhabit a sub-cutaneal reality known as "Middle Girth".

Try clearing your throat...

The doctor's assessment was devastating: Philip would never be able to learn Norwegian because he suffered from irritable vowel syndrome.

See the new blouse I made?

Prada yourself?

Looks like some kinda coverup to me...

The villagers returned to discover that a bar-buryin' tribe had covered their tavern in a giant mound of earth.

They just wouldn't man up...

Reuters - World Court rules improbable events non-existent.

What's that green stuff...?

Well, looks like he finally got what he wanted. I mean, except for the beautiful corpse part.

Go Notre Dame!!

Well I guess you can have your hunch back. Turns out he isn't.

No no, not *that* much stubble...

Juliette hired a police forensics expert to build a 3D model of what her husband would look like if he smiled.

Doesn't much look like either of you...

Yes and No were married in July, and a year later their first Maybe was born.

That'll teach 'im...

Theodore's mother couldn't convince him to let go of the pier and get into the boat, so his father came down and saw him off.

Oye como va mi ritmo!

Try VanHalen™ toilet tissue - Carlos Santana

Ohh, pick me! Pick me!

Fork was sort of a sloppy seconds vampire. He didn't drink blood, he ate scabs.

Wait, I think I see a maybe over there...

All yessed up with no place to no.

Bivalve Biology 101

"All of us," said the professor, "oysters, clams, mussels - have the traits we have today because of something I call, "The Shellfish Gene".

Let's get outta here quick!

Peering through the window of the disused outhouse Lonsdale saw it was inhabited by a strong cultural taboo.

Just forget about it...

She had an always heart, but a never mind.

But who's counting?

Everyone is one word
No one is two

Sugar with that?

Crack O'Dawn, Beast of Java

Back to normal at last!

Reuters - Satanic Council announces Hell freeze is over.

Eggsplorers....

Uptik scrambled up over the edge of the frying pan and surveyed the eggscape.

We may never know...

Bill asked Mister E what his real name was, but he refused to answer.

You can't control an independent bacteria colony...

If your shower curtains smell like salami / Set them free

The Web of Laredo...

I can see by its content this mail is important
Gmail did tag with a lozenge of gold
The banner ad's up in less than a second
Shot in the heart? No need to die!

I see...

Brad had decided to start eating light by incorporating more optical fiber into his diet.

Keep out of direct moonlight, dry clean only.

Wear Wolves of London™ fine outer garments.

Achoo-choo!

Gesundheitbahn (n): a sneeze train

Zola mellows out....

J'accuzzi!

Nu?

Reuters - Nuclear ban becomes unclear as UN reverses itself.

Order in the court!

Breaking the second law of thermodynamics is organized crime.

Other side, mate!

Two wrongs walk into a bar, make a left, and end up in the lady's room.

Fud for thought?

I don't mean to be rood
But if it's red
Why call it blood?

A self propelling sophistry....?

Harriet was not amused when Wilfred told her she had no sense of humor.

Well?

The Labrador stared at me impatiently. "Which part of 'woof woof woof woof!' did you not understand?" he demanded finally.

He didn't notice that the lights had changed...

The night air fills with the murmurs of damaged reindeer as Santa claws his way out of a miasma of sleigh wreckage and undelivered presents.

It's all Greek to me...

Which part of "Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres" did you not understand?

They never disappoint.

Try WadEver™ brand cotton balls.

Sharpen your wits!

Life on the cutting edge can get dull after a while.

Who to call?

God loves you. In fact, he's stalking you.

Coffee's ready!

"Jane, Cheetah, come on, get up, it's a jungle out there!"

Oh well...

He put a gun to my head and made me laugh. So he shot me.

Jesus what a stupid idea...

Wait a minute, you want *me* to die for *your* sins, *that's* your idea?

Better re-check your agenda...

Finally it dawned on Winchell that he had just slept through the wrong meeting.

Not fast enough!

"Duck!" cried Simpson, but Wendell got plastered by the errant mallard anyway.

Alright, quit layin' about...

I tried to comforter, but she claimed I was trying to make her feel quilty.

Wasn't going to get away that easy...

"My god it's no use!" cried Winchell, waving his useless scissors in the air, "these apron strings are made out of Kevlar!!"

What a nuisance...

Have you got those scissors, I think our destinies have gotten linked again.

Here, take this banana peel...

Why don't you go slip in the bathroom while I fix myself a drink?

Oh bitch, you wary?

Died of a one-shot goon to the head.

And he never really recovered...

Pi was barely more than 3 when he began acting irrationally.

Number Police

"Yeah, headquarters, we got a guy here called Pi, acting irrationally."

Better do as he says...

"On your knees!" thundered the Kulfiwallah, brandishing a vanilla bean.

Try it!!

Place a finger in each ear & press hard until you can feel them touching. You should now be able to do the Donut-Head with all of your might.

Just about sums it up...

"Go forth and divide!" said God to the amoebae.

Aim a little higher this time....

Jeff ignored the bulletins they sent him, so they decided to see if they could bulletin his brain directly.

Time to start callin' a pate a pate...

Jasper wore his baldness as a WYSIWYG.

Yawn...

The view from the craggy outlook Ronald had discovered turned out to be so boring that he named it High Fella's Leap.

Ow!

You could tell Ringwald knew the score. His feed hand was covered with bitemarks.

Ya gotta stick to it...

If walking softly doesn't work, try harder.

Future postponed...

FabricOfExistenceNews - Reality goes on strike for better conditions.

Well Julie's not wearing one...

Two year old Ignatz considered he was getting a bum wrap when his mother made him wear Pampers at the beach.

Maybe tomorrow...

They circled each other for so long they both got dizzy and decided to just go home and take a nap.