#whatsittoya? with apologies to Leonard Cohen

I dreamed there was a gold hashtag, that someone used and it raised a flag, but you don't care too much for Twitter do you?
It goes like this, the movie twist, the change one letter selfie pic, embattled tweeps all seeking #whatsittoya?
#whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsitto-oo-ya?

It felt all wrong, but you didn't care, you saw the cheap shot lying there, and flame and glory showered down onto ya
It took off like a living thing, the accolades were deafening, and from your timeline springs the #whatsittoya?
#whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsitto-oo-ya?

Girl this isn't the first time, I've blogged my brains out right online, you know I used to be on Facebook 'fore I knew ya
But remember when I retweeted you, and a million others retweeted too, and everybody knew just #whatsittoya?
#whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsitto-oo-ya?

Well there was a time, when I could count, on favs and RTs, shout-me-outs, but now that doesn't happen much, it's true, yeah
I've seen your #FFs scroll the screen, but love is not and endless feed, it's a blank and it's an empty #whatsittoya?
#whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsitto-oo-ya?

Well, maybe there's a bot above, but all I've ever learned from love, was how to block somebody who out-threw ya
But it's not a favstar cavalcade, or a haiku vampire that's got it made, it's a blank and it's an empty #whatsittoya?
#whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsitto-oo-ya?

#whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsittoya? #whatsitto-oo-ya?
#whatsittoya? #whatsittoya?
 

Jambalaya, by way of Leonard Cohen and Hank Williams

Well I hear there was a hot rod Ford

Hank Williams drove, with running boards

But you don't do too much hot roddin’ do ya?

It runs like this

In fourth, in fifth, that manifold, that lifter lift

The ballad king a-croonin’ Jambalaya

Jambalaya, Jambalaya, Jambalaya, crawfish pie – ie – a

Well she tossed your datebook over the fence

Smacked away your five-ten cents

She poled your pirogue gently down her bayou

She sure cooked somethin’ up with yar

She broke your strum and spilled your jar

And on your lips she threw the Jambalaya

Jambalaya, Jambalaya, Jambalaya, crawfish pie – ie – a

My hair’s still curly, my eyes still blue

Your cheatin’ heart will tell on you

You’ll walk the floor like me, ma chère amie-a

You don’t love me like you used to do

But love lost’s not like a worn out shoe

It's a cold, and it's a soggy Jambalaya

Jambalaya, Jambalaya, Jambalaya, crawfish pie – ie – a

A vision of the past just stealed

And then I got that old time feel

Can’t help it if I’m still in love with you, yeah

But remember when a two-buck bill

Got both of us up o’er the hill

And son’f a gun we had fun, Jambalaya

Jambalaya, Jambalaya, Jambalaya, crawfish pie – ie – a

So no matter how I hustle and jive

I’ll never get outta this world alive

Don’t know if I was born or I was hatched, yeah

But that aint no cry you hear at night

It aint someone what’s saw the light

It's a cold, and it's a soggy Jambalaya

Jambalaya, Jambalaya, Jambalaya…crawfish pie-a

Jambalaya, Jambalaya, Jambalaya...crawfish pie-a

Jambalaya, Jambalaya, Jambalaya…crawfish pie-ie-a

Jambalaya, Jambalaya

Desperate Otto, the Jarhead Ventriloquist (to the tune of 'Desperado')

Desperate Otto, wipe that lipstick off your handses
You're no Señor Wences, so go along now
You're a jarhead, I guess you must have your reasons
That top spot you're leavin' can help you somehow?

Don't chew the spleens of caimans boy
They'll eat you if they're able
Chicken hearts are always your best bet
Now it seems to me some wine things
Have been spilled upon your table
And that's probably why it's surface looks all wet

Desperate Otto, you ain't gettin' my number
You're dumb and your dumber, it's drivin' me mad
And boredom, well that's just some people's pastime
I told you that last time. I didn't? My bad.

Don't your ears get cold in the winter time?
You're almost bald, but your scalp don't shine
It's hard to tell your noggin from your neck
Your hair's like an inverted beard
It isn't full, but simply weird, your deck

Desperate Otto, wipe that lipstick from your handses
Don't diss Señor Wences, you're not in his league
You may be clueless, but there's a blueness above you
So slap a hat on that rug, you'll be as swag as can be!

Yet another Stormy Monday cover

Oh they call it stomach acid
But heartburn's just as bad
Reflux worse
And ulcers oh so sad

The treacle flies on fried eggs
Scrambled eggs is another way
Suddenly my insides lurch
And I go down on my knees and spray

And I say lord have mercy
Lord have mercy on my retched soul
Baby I just lost my lunch
And no one can bring it back to me no more

Strike Four

Slank was up next, but I was still standing at the plate with my arms crossed and the bat leaning against my thigh, staring at the ground. The basemen mugged at each other. Over on first Collins threw up an arm to get my attention. I ignored him. Finally Gonzalez the catcher jumped up, opening his mask and butting me in the back a couple times with his chest protector. I stood my ground. Slank wandered over and stood up next to me, whacking his heels with his bat and glaring at me impatiently.

All of a sudden Harcourt started warming up on the mound. Gonzalez crouched back down behind the plate and pounded a fist in his mitt. Slank turned around and dropped his bat and went back in the dugout. As the fielders got into position, somebody cackled up in the stands. The windup came. A sinker. A swing and a miss. Didn't even nick it.

The umpire burst forward with his hand in the air. "Strike four!" he announced. Peals of laughter came from the stands, the outfield, the bullpen. Gonzales stood up, pantomiming a big kick to my ass, and everybody roared even louder.

I spat, nudged my cap forward on my head, and turned to go down the dark corridor to the lockers.

I knew would never again be anything to anyone. But I had made my point.

Bivalve

Diogenes Whamfurter reclined in his barkalounger. It was going to be a hot one today. If only Elektra hadn't short circuited the air conditioning unit the other night by knocking over a pitcher of capirinhas she'd set on the ventilator grill to cool.

Mars Colony 1602. The last of the archipelago still extant. Who would have imagined, 20 years ago, that he and Elektra would finish out their lives in a place like this? A plight made all the more ridiculous by the fact that the Colony wasn't even on Mars, nor they themselves, technically, even truly alive. Everything here - Diogenes & Electra, Li'l Welton, Garbage the dog, the endless expanses of red desert outside - was code running on an innerworld server.

Unfortunately, all that didn't make Diogenes panic any less when he heard air hissing through a new crack in his suit while out on expedition. It didn't keep rolls of fat on Electra's upper arms from swinging back and forth like hammocks when she brushed her hair in the morning, or convince Li'l Welton to stop acting like a complete retard all the time. Diogenes almost wished they had never told him about it in the first place, but then, that's what his mission up here was all about. Because if the innerworld code was responsable for Diogenes' existence, the code that made innerworld exist was merrily executing  away on an unobtrusive little PC on the shelf right next to his stereo. It was a classic bivalve setup - neat as a pin. And if you thought that all sounded like a bunch of hokum, well, you aint heard nothin' yet.

Your Browsin' History (to the tune of Your Cheatin' Heart by Hank Williams)

Your browsin' history
Will make you fret
You'll lose your job
And go in debt
Your wife will bail
Whate'er you do
Your browsin' history
Will tell on you

When links scroll down
Like fallin' rain
You'll click around
Tryin'a delete their names
But the web's for keeps
So whate'er you do
Your browsin' history
Will tell on you

(Instrumental chorus)

Your browsin' history'
Will ruin your sleep
Thinkin' o' what you had
That you can't keep
'Cause it's too late
Can't start anew
Your browsin' history
Always tell on you

When links scroll down
Like fallin' rain
You'll click around
Tryin'a delete their names
But the web's for keeps
And whate'er you do
Your browsin' history
Will tell on you

Hippopotamus Eye

Don't look at me with your hip
Not at me with your hip
Don't look at me with your hippopotamus eye

A rap lyric that popped out of nowhere. My brain must have been working on it in its spare time. It started the other night as I was going to bed. I reached over to switch off the light and there he was with that eye of his, a disembodied eye that doesn't belong to a face. Sees right through you. But it's not scary. Leo's still my friend after all these years. Just don't look at me with your hippopotamus eye. And then we go to sleep.

No one can know what it means. Nobody knows the story, except me and Val. Maybe Mad, if she remembers. I told her once. You can't guess what it means. It isn't something you can guess.

A boy testing the limits. Going where he's never been before, violent, out of control. Leo flung down hard onto the blacktop from the roof of the playhouse. Didn't make a sound when he landed. Just pop. When Val picked him up we saw it was bad. That cracked glass orb. The horror. We saw what happens when you go where it's not safe. People get killed. They break and you can't fix them.

We sacrificed a hippopotamus nobody liked. Touched the eye up with orange watercolor and glued it in with Elmer's glue. That dead, leering eye. It was sixty years ago. No one could have guessed what rap music would turn out to be one day, or anything else, for that matter. He sits on the nightstand now and wishes me good night every night as I turn out the light. Still my friend after all these years. Just don't look at me with your hippopotamus eye. And then we go to sleep.

Beanietopper

The victims had been ground into hamburger and sold into savory. Frailfinger was able to outwit the authorities by gluing an umbrella handle to his coccyx with pine gum. Barfwrinkle, on the other hand, was fond of baking handguns into fruit pies. Messerschmidt, always the prankster, insouciantly shot moose DNA at gawky co-eds through a soda straw. It would have been alarming had it not been so frightfully infructuous.

Stop. Do not modify your behavior in any way as a result of what you see in this box. What a job lobbing Bob's slobbering gob to the clobbering mob. Derek was so embarassed at having accidentally shot his wife that he pretended he'd done it on purpose. No longer able to control the brightness of his halogen lamp, Johnathon concluded he was experiencing dimmage damage. Gumball dynasty! Heart string plucker blues! Scaling back. Number of things that now make a difference: zero. Wen yengot notten, yengot notten aluz!

New Business Model

Having gotten completely fed up with referrer spam making tracking of statistics on this blog impossible, and with the acceptance that the statistics are anyway virtually non-existant, and realizing furthermore that the posts here can be just as easily followed on my Twitter timeline, I have decided to change this blog's "Business Model" and start just putting up more "blog-like" posts including observations about various things. Or at least that is the plan for now. In fact I suspect it will make very little difference what I finally end up writing here.

Of course, if after this post, I end up receiving hordes of complaints from people saying that I've destroyed one of their favorite pastimes, I will try to see what I can do to make it up to them. 

I think I know where I'm goin', here...

Zombies typically avoid newfangled GPS solutions, preferring to navigate by dead reckoning.

Nasty...uh...bump, there.

Newton was in fact preceded by a certain Holger Schwanz. Unfortunately it was a Hubbard squash that fell on his head and he never recovered.

Drop it!

When Winky filled his squirt gun with ice water, he ened up getting arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

He's in denial, I'm afraid...

You're missin', Jim, should you decide to accept it.

What's that on your face?

Ricky slipped on his nose-cancelling headphones whenever Rebecca passed by.

Beep-beep!!

The road through the canyon was a known organ traffic route, and today the Wurlitzers were bumper to bumper.

Easy, easy...

Leonard shuffled gingerly across the carpet, trying not to spill the precious droplet of information he was cradling in his noggin.

My what a lovely thought...!

Make up your mind with Neuralia™ cerebral beauty products.

All have one, and all shall have prizes!!

That looks good. Can I have won too?

I'll have what he's having...

If Democrats and Republicans can't find a reason to stop bickering, the terrorists will have one.

Pass the chip-otle...?

PlanetaryNews - Extraterrestrials use non-carbon-based life forms to make silicon carné.

Just do it!

SciMedNews - Study shows that sub-optimal solutions are significantly more fun.

Looks great against that cosmic microwave background!

Marjorie decided to wear her red shift to the big bang.

OK now stick out your tongue. No, your tongue!

As Heresford's condition deteriorated, he had tattoos put on parts of his body so he could remember what they were called.

Ideo-what?

People with ideomotor apraxia are physically unable to perform an action if they have been requested to do so. Sound like someone you know?

Forensic cuisine...

The taco sauce under the victim's fingernails showed he was trying to fight off hunger when he died.

And that aint much...

Mrs. Hinchliff deemed Roberta's contribution one plastic bag short of an air toilet.

Fries with that?

It wasn't easy inspecting livestock in all that wind, but finally the mussed herd mustered mustard.

For What It's Worth

Theres somethin' wrong in this scene
What it is, doesn't look too clean
There's a mole in my cellphone's software
Tellin' me, pretend I'm not there

I think it's time we stop, children, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

There's poverty lines being drawn
Nobody's up if everybody's down
Poor people losin' their minds

Gettin' so much insistence from behind

Time we stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

What a field day for the rich
A thousand corpses in a ditch
Crushed by the weapons we made
Bought with the money you paid
 

It's time we stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

Obliteration's a trip

Into your life it will drip
It starts when your Facebook gets hacked
Try to complain, they come and take you away

We better stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

We better stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

We better stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

We better stop, hey, what's my password?
Instead o' movin' on we're flyin' bass-ackwards

Look out!

For Hegslager, Twitter served as a sort of air-toilet for his deepest grievances.

Hey wait a minute...!

Harvey became suspicious when the shaman allowed a glass of milk to spill on his makeshift altar and then began to weep above it.

Step right up!

SciMedNews - Study shows death is actually good for you.

Hey, where's everybody goin'?

Rankin the stand-up comic didn't like to be interrupted, and asked the audience to please hold their laughter until he finished his routine.

Wanna see it?

Donald bought himself a pocket lobster.

Now you've done it!

The main reason for doing anything appears to be avoiding what would happen if you didn't do it.

As if in a dream...

Secondary revision (n) (psych): waking up on the couch and pouring your drink back into the bottle

Cut that out!

If nature abhors a vacuum, why does it keep sucking?

Nice to know god is watching over us...

The human lifespan is determined by the moment when the pleasure of watching us die begins to outweigh the pleasure of watching us suffer.

Run that by me again?

I could tell I wasn't being clear. My shadow was plainly visible.

No, I never meant for you to....oh never mind!

Finally we met god and asked him what consciousness was and he apologized and said it was all a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again!

Hmm. He don't dance though, do he?

That one over there on the hillside, all by himself, they call him Resonates with No One.

First time *they* ever called *me*...

"Ricky? That was 911. They said you're supposed to be having a heart attack."

Can't help it...

Gerald never got to the point, and he loved to frolic on the hillside. He was a ramblin', gambolin' man, but she loved him anyway.

Now that's usin' your head...!

Never wear gloves while invisible, if you don't want to show your hand

What's he doin' with 'im in there anyway...?!

Put the dog down and get out of the closet, Larry. Its "carpe diem" and "cave canem", not the other way around!

Now that's thinkin ahead...!

Instead of a laptop, Mudlip carried a 1/2 inch steel plate in his backpack. In case of a shootout, it might just save his life.

Hmm, needs more bitterness...

A soup made from teardrops and mangled hearts.

Ah 'twas all a dream!

When Nelson awoke from his reverie, the girl he held was his glass, and her nipple but a ripple in his tipple.

Oh I mighta known that was gonna happen...

Preexclusiogallinacionumeration.

Pass the mustard please...

The panther said he would eat Mudlap, but it was all ingest.

Talk about original sin...!

By the time Steinpiltz was born, the police were already there waiting for him with handcuffs.

Takes guts...

"My name's Lysergic Acid Diethylamide," recited the gel cap nervously when it became his turn, "and I'm a psychedelic."

Better stick to the norm...

It was stoical sigma that finally convinced many an outlier to return to the mean.

Saved my life, mom...!

Seconds ticked by as Ryan squirmed helplessly in the overturned kayak, and then he remembered his mother's words: don't forget to right.

Incognito...

The disguise seemed to be working. Alan's genius had been sitting in the coffee shop for over an hour and so far, no one had recognized him.

Jerk...

When he was 17, Alistair had a stroke of luck that left him with a slight smirk for the rest of his life.

He really was a master of light....

Satan on the dock of the bay, by Vermeer.

Stick *that* in your recommendation engine and banner it!!

The goal of the Orthogonovel Project is to train authors to create works that resonate strongly with 1 individual, but leave others unfazed.

I *thought* I smelled alcohol...!

Clamfolder was well known as a man of great spirituosity.

Hey, lighten up!

Albert wanted cosmetic surgery on the bulb of his nose, but all the doctors were proposing LEDs.

C'mon, get a move on!

Do what you like, but you must do something.

We'll need a certified copy of that diploma...

ZoologyToday: Lobster's degree now minimum requirement for entry into Arthropoda phylum.

Less things stay the same, more they get different. Wait what?

Years ago, everything was less different. Things were more or less all the same.

Not sure that really helps...

SciNews: In rare interview, Schroedinger cat declares "mixed feelings" about quantum interpretation.

I remember hearing slurping noises a lot....

Well I don't know who I worked for last year, sir, I was blindfolded the whole time.

Well, that'll be easy...

Finally Whirtle understood that his only avenue of escape was to stay exactly where he already was.

Time to re-think a number of things...

SciTechNews - Harvard Game Theory group discovers 53rd playing card. Man's fundamental understanding of universe called into question.

Wishing won't make it so....

His cellmate grinned at him across the tiny enclosure, steadfastly refusing to be anyone else.

Who you calling corny?!

Rheinpfaltz had perfected a way of making popcorn pop simply by insulting it.

There there now...

Inkblot's whimpering was keeping the whole camp awake, so finally Jurv took a lump of feldspar and rocked him to sleep.

Talk to Mr Bed!!

What's best when depressed?
Deep rest! Deep rest!
And stay in your nest 'til you're less depressed
You want a way to survive this mess?
Talk to Mr Bed!

Get with the system, lady.

Ginger's grievance was rejected because it was a non-compliant complaint.

Step aside!

Henry wanted something, but unfortunately nothing stood in the way of his getting it.

And you know what that means...

Granger's wikiup suddenly came to a juddering stop, as an odor of fresh mealworms tantalized his nostrils.

My god how inhuman!

To compound the detainees' suffering, the guards would distract them while they were cooking, causing them to overcook their pasta.

Although, if he'd been a little more careful...

The other fireflies always thought Harvey wasn't too bright, until that night he streaked out on a windshield.

Take that!

As a scientist Alex knew that the aliments we take in are teaming with microbes, and he enjoyed listening to them scream as he chewed.

Whew, they made it!

SpiceLife - Parsley, sage & rosemary place 4th, 2nd & 3rd resp. in race against thyme.

Monetize, there must be a way to monetize this...

Gottfried's anonymity had gone viral overnight, and by morning he was completely unknown!

Suzanne Vega meets Disraeli Gears...

You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever, 

I am sitting
In the morning
At the diner
On the corner

But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun.

I am waiting
At the counter
For the man
To pour the coffee

And the colours of the sea bind your eyes with trembling mermaids,

And he fills it
Only halfway
And before
I even argue

And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses,

He is looking
Out the window
At somebody
Coming in

How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing,

"It is always
Nice to see you"
Says the man
Behind the counter

For the sparkling waves are calling you to kiss their white laced lips.

To the woman
Who has come in
She is shaking
Her umbrella

And you see a girl's brown body dancing through the turquoise,

And I look
The other way
As they are kissing
Their hellos

And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea.

I'm pretending
Not to see them
And Instead
I pour the milk

And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body,

I open
Up the paper
There's a story
Of an actor

Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind.

Who had died
While he was drinking
He was no one
I had heard of

The tiny purple fishes run laughing through your fingers,

And I'm turning
To the horoscope
And looking
For the funnies

And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.

When I'm feeling
Someone watching me
And so
I raise my head

Her name is Aphrodite and she rides a crimson shell,

There's a woman
On the outside
Looking inside
Does she see me?

And you know you cannot leave her for you touched the distant sands

No she does not
Really see me
Cause she sees
Her own reflection

With tales of brave Ulysses, how his naked ears were tortured

And I'm trying
Not to notice
That she's hitching
Up her skirt

By the sirens sweetly singing...

And while she's
Straightening her stockings
Her hair
Is getting wet

The tiny purple fishes run lauging through your fingers,

Oh, this rain
It will continue
Through the morning
As I'm listening

To the bells
Of the cathedral
I am thinking
Of your voice...

And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter. 

And of the midnight picnic
Once upon a time
Before the rain began...

I finish up my coffee
It's time to catch the train

Rolls right off my back!!

Albert eschewed raincoats, preferring to daub himself with teflon powder when showers were expected.

I'm a bit hazy on that...

You could hardly say it was sunny but the fog wasn't mist either.

Nice goin'...

Some people play to win. Rintztag failed to succeed.

Sobering....

They were a Ruthless society. They had plenty of other serviceable names for their female citizens, but that one they refused to touch.

Were those war dogs?

To confuse their enemies, the warthogs wore dogs' war togs.

Devilishly good!!

Loretta's prizewinning spare rib recipe used the dark underbellies of what were ostensibly healthy, well-adjusted pigs.

Lemme see that!

I'm afraid it's god's will, Ronald. And he didn't leave you a thing.

Get back in there!

Each time a new detail emerged, Reginald whacked it on the snout with a rolled-up issue of The Guardian.

Get back in there!

Each time a new detail emerged, Reginald whacked it on the snout with a rolled-up issue of The Guardian.

Hey thanks!

Oh, well we've all finished eating already, Matthew, but you're welcome to pick through the garbage if you like.

Eureka!!

One day in 1959, while wrestling with his inner lemons, Trevor Mudlip came up with the idea of a juice bar.

Straighten that tie, Charlie!!

Of all the lower primates, bonobos seem to have the most viable monkey business plan.

Say what?

Cargo pockets are the Devil's earlobes.

How's tricks over in your hemisphere?

A web of interconnect axons and dendrites allows neurons in the brain to communicate with each other - sort of a cellular telephone network!

If he can just make it through Christmas...

After a week on the antipsychotics, the visions of sugarplums dancing in Walter's head seemed to have finally subsided.

Yeah, you busy next Wednesday?

Andy always tried to march to the beat of a different drummer, but he couldn't always find one so there were some repeats in his list.

It really sucks!!

Reicherdt firmly maintained that he was the first person in the world to have nicknamed his vacuum cleaner Chupacabre.

I feel lightheaded...

Franklin felt much better once the physician had removed the offending deadline from his conscious awareness.

Now I forgot why I called...

By sheer coincidence, the wrong number Lewis reached turned out to be the person he was actually trying to call!

Good show!!

Jacquemard's contribution to the underlying chaos was considered by many to be worth its weight in tofu.

Your turn...

Step up to Life™, the Masochist's Paradise!

That'll be a billion dollars please...

NowReading: An Arm and a Legacy - Warfare in the Age of the Pilotless Drone, by Guettscher Bucksworth

That explains a lot of things...

According to the panstoogia hypothesis, all earthly tomfoolery was seeded by highjinks of extraterrestrial origin.

Bye, cuspid!!

SciNews - Fossil record shows dental floss invented by gerbil ancestor.

It's just not fair...

Silurian daredevils dominated this year's waltz competition.

There ya go!

Something got you down? Try ... something else.

I think ya missed a spot there...

Try Humdrum™ brand Fate Sealers.

What's the ice-tray for...?

Oh, that's just Marty recharging his platypus.

Think he missed the point...

As he lay dying on the pavement, the snake twisted his body into a question mark, to ask why.

Look out!

Warning: Concepts understood in retrospect are more fundamental than they appear.

Er, thanks, I guess...

This is a Boltzmann post. It emerged spontaneously from random background processes. You're welcome.

Pay no attention to that...

A buzzer went off, signaling that nothing had happened.

Nope...

Back in a sec, I'm just gonna go see if anybody's recognized my genius yet.

See?

Squinting makes you no less blind.

Latin lover?

Well of course I find you attractive, Charlotte, I mean, mutatis mutandis.

Does he understand the gravity of the situation?

"I cannot weight any longer," he said as he floated away.

No, it's for *me*!!

Would Mr. Spartacus please pick up a white courtesy telephone.

How 'bout that!

His Before was greeted with uproarious After.

How noble!!

One of the first acts they learned at mime school was a dramatic but simple number entitled "Human Sack of Rice".

C'mon now...

"Nice sketch," said Noah to the monkey, "but you know you've got to draw the lion somewhere."

Take that!

"Ocu-pie!" cried Slingshot, as he plastered the minister in the eyeglasses with the cream-filled confection.

I feel better already...

When the doctor told Howard that alcohol was disturbing his sleep patterns, he vowed to quit drinking each day by 5 pm.

There's an app for that...

License and registration? No can do, officer. I've gone to a totally paperless workspace.

Gimme another swig o' that...

Having trouble getting your mind around difficult philosophical concepts? Step up to Socrate-Ease™ cerebral lubricant products.

Ah, those were the days...

In the distance, Glauber could discern the telltale windlasses that made whale-hobbling the glorious adventure it was.

Look, guys, I just want coffee...

No, *I* am Spartacus, and *I'll* be your waiter!

Good luck with that...

We who are about to bail salute you.

Don't peck at your food!

Chickens share 100% of their genetic material with humans, particularly at lunch or dinner.

Either you got it or you don't...

Rufus tried his best to play the fool but he wasn't fooling anyone.

Now, anybody seen the poker and tongs?

Waxworth caught the flue after his chimney exploded.

Color me stipud!!

Farbtinter made his living dyeing.

The dawn of awareness.

Suddenly it dawned on Bessie that she was a cow, and she was just standing there munching grass and thinking about, well, not much at all.

Hey, didn't we already pass those guys?

2π or not 2π, that is the phase ambiguity.

Over here!

"Nogward ho!" trumpeted the Yuletude revelers.

Or at least it was...

Later is the new now.

Eureka!!

Isaac nudged the apple away sleepily, vowing to think about it later, when all of a sudden he sat up and cried, "Hey, why weight?!"

C'mon lighten up...

Please put anything in the toilet bowl. It doesn't matter.

Little extra room over here....

Sensing potentially leaner times ahead, Oliver began stockpiling lipids about his midsection.

Something missing here...

One man's doorknob is another man's empty doorknob-shaped space.

Oh, what a tangled mess we leave...

All the dental floss Winifred had used in her life suddenly came back to haunt her and there was not a god damn thing she could do about it.

Guess I could snug up those screws...

Is your toilet well secured to the floor? What if a giraffe stood on it to change a light bulb, fell & broke her neck? You'd be responsible.

Right away, thir!!

Humphrey, can you gallop down to the Safeway and pickup some oyster crackers?

Burp....

She's gone, but I don't worry/ I'm sittin' on top of the food chain.

My third grade teacher Miss Harvey was also instrumental....

I'd like to take this moment to curse my parents, without whose selfishness and indifference I might have gone on to win an award some day.

That light really go out when you close it?

"Where the sun never shines? Oh, Jack just means the refrigerator!"

You sure you wrote this?

It was clear the work was not original, for the page was covered with dragon droppings.

Feeling better already...!

Humor is a drunken hyena, and laughter is the messed bed it's in.

You bought what?

Have just purchased a dozen madamutsch.

Eat smart!

CannibalismToday: Study suggests intelligent people are more nourishing.

I hadn't noticed...

Influencing the world through irrelevance.

Aye, get to work...!

Nose, meet grindstone.

Pray for sauce...

Crucifix pasta.

Some new Yesterday covers...

Fingernails
Weaving handkerchiefs for garden snails
Slightly larger ones for alpha males
Oh I believe in fingernails
------------
Porcupines
Have been holding up our five and dimes
Stealing Nyquil for their happy times
Oh I believe in porcupines
------------
Buggerdom
Aunt Jemima in an aqualung
Blowing kisses wrapped in bubble gum
Oh I believe in buggerdom

Oh my god, Ralph, I don't want to lose you!!

"Alright I'll tell you," Ralph said finally to Hester, "the doctor says I have old age, and I'll only have 20, maybe 30 more years to live."

Caution: do not drop pins after opening...

In the raucous hubbub of the marketplace, Derek set up a stand selling little packages marked "Wrapped Silence".

Superboid...

No no, vision, not pigeon. He's got X-ray vision.

Oops, sorry again...!

King Waldorf had no rhythm, and much to the dismay of his subjects, made the court musicians use a chaotic metronome at all royal functions.

You there, what's that little bulge in your pocket?!

When prisoners had finished their sentences, they were required to give back any punctuation they'd used in constructing them.

You know you've just been screwed when...

Once Jack had signed the contract, the representative snatched it in the air and ululated as if brandishing a bloodied bedsheet.

You're sentencing me to *what*?!

Blind? No, it's worse than that. Justice is blond.

Voilà!!

Jorge was the first to draw blood. He always kept his red crayon on top of the stack.

Swim for your lives...!

I was just washed away by all the outpourings of kindness that never crossed anyone's mind.

Oh well, too late...

Apologies for cross-postings. Please waste your time reading this only if it concerns you.

A pregnant moment...

They watched in rapt silence, as if waiting for a dog to finish its business.

Say what?

Jethro felt like nobody was talking to him anymore, but the doctor told him he was suffering from ear elephants.

I was just watchin' him and all of a sudden boom...

Mirror neuron on the wall, which one of us pulled the trigger, y'all?

Blueberry blues...

It's pie, Marty, and I'll cry if I want to.

Har-de-har!!

SciTechNews - Latest satellite data prove universe evolved to present form by Comic Natural Selection.

Sir, number 3 has been acting irrationally lately...

SciNews - Teenage Chicago math whiz proves pi is actually an integer.

What a blast!!

"Pimp my blimp!" parroted Field Marshall Hindenburg lugubriously.

Fingernails

Fingernails
All the outlaws looked like Josey Wales
Now their tans are pale as India Ales
Oh I believe, in fingernails

Pardon me
I've got pasta sauce all over me
Maybe someone else could go for me?
Tomato paste, is slippery

Why she's blowing her nose on her clothes, I couldn't say
She said something's wrong, they're too long, my fingernails

Fingernails
Disney characters on monorails
To be comfortable must curb their tails
Oh, I believe in fingernails

Why she's blowing her nose on her clothes, I couldn't say
She said something's wrong, they're too long, my fingernails

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmm Mmm Mm Mm

In an hour, sunflower...

Seal ate her alligator,
In a vile, crooked aisle.

This Justin.....

Star craving mad.

Ha ha fooled ya, we're really chlorine!!

Oxygen masquerade.

What...is...that thing...?

"We'll build termite mounds right into the fabric of spacetime itself!" proposed the leprechaun maliciously.

Pasta fazool anyone?

After the 3rd time he got hit in the eye with a pizza, Rico decided that, amore or no amore, he was going to keep his head down from now on.

And what but the hand of god...?

GalaxyNews - Scientist discover handle labelled "Flush" at center of Milky Way.

Smack!

Drop the hick accent and kiss me, Beltloop!

It belonged to your grandfather...

This is your pudding fork, Ellsworth, use it wisely.

What's that, about a centimeter, no?

It was finally a rather lackluster imprecation that he gave, sort of a half-inchallah, if you will.

Now how'd he do that?

Somewhere in a parallel universe there's someone exactly like you but who's doing a much better job of it.

It's spiral sliced!!

Am having a bacon, lettuce, and tornado sandwich.

Chalk Figures on the Floor

On a day like today
Forensics passed our way
Drawing chalk figures on the floor

How you laughed when I cried
I took your life, then I died
Now we’re chalk figures on the floor

You made a vow that you would ever be true
But somehow that vow meant nothing to you

Now our broken hearts fade
With every step that's made
Over chalk figures on the floor

How our broken hearts fade
With every step that's made
Over chalk figures on the floor

Don't make me do it, kid...

Tod flicked his cigarette away & cocked the hammer back with his thumb. "I'm tellin' ya for the last time, Tommy," he said, "eat your peas."

Well lemme see now...

Those who have fulfilled their duty are appreciated, while those who have not are condemned. Please experience the case that applies to you.

Yo, bro!

Reuters - Universal court decrees that everything must rhyme/ Violators prosecuted, folks be doin' time!

On the other hand...

Two conflicting realities assemble themselves within me. One, by its gravity, prevails; the other shuffles off, perchance to Buffalo?

Hygiene of dreamy...

Found a Boltzmann brain in a jar of marmalade. He said grant me three wishes or I'll pull you in here with me.

Hey! Over here!

The fact is there are a lot of straws out there who wouldn't mind at all being grasped at once in a while.

Always has been for me....

God a light?

Aint broke, don't fix...

Although his hair had receded dramatically, Jacques still wore a ponytail, and had renewed the gob of epoxy holding his wire-rims together.

Let lying dogs sleep!

"Well of course we're still in Kansas, Toto, now go back to sleep, it was just a bad dream."

Run that by me again...?

SciTechNews - Technology guru Lerome Janier predicts future human communication will be digital, via Morse-code eye-blinks.

What're...chitlins...?

Populate your word cloud with a Dixie melody.

What's he mean by that....?

Cabbage is nine-tenths of the slaw - Paul Bocuse

Get a life, guys...

Bumble beings.

Get 'em while they're not...

Full grown elephants no larger than a quarter.

You can keep your hat on...

"I'm not naked," Rhonda explained to the congregation, "these are my intelligent designer clothes."

Catastrophe at Disneyland!!

There was so much magic in the air that everyone suffocated and died.

Make him say it again!!

Little Chucky wasn't good for much, but he did the most faithful rendition of "thuffrin' thuccotash" any Strudelslinger had ever heard!

Come back, they forgot the anchovies...!!

TechBizNews - Boston startup to deliver pizza using unmanned drones.

I am Coriolis, come from the dead...

PlanetNews - Earth's rotation will be shut down for maintenance today from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Residents are advised to remain indoors.

You sure you read that recipe right...?

Benjamin tossed the spoon in the sink and shook his head. "I think we're going to have to outsauce," he concluded.

I don't wanna be cleaning up after her...

Ripley would never accept a new love into his life without first making sure she was heartbroken.

There he is with that gol dang ring o' truth o' his....again!

Gradually the populace understood that Wordfondler couldn't be trusted to lie to them.

Hand me that flashlight, Elroy...

SciTechNews - Sky Survey team has identified sentient beings made of dark matter, but they are not very bright.

Anybody seen Elvis lately?

Before he knew it, William's investment had ended up costing him a chunk o' chunk o' burnin' change.

Alice? Can you bring me the Halliday and Resnick please?

"Avogadro's number, please," requested the operator.

Please hold...

For security purposes we have decided to be a pain in the ass.

In a roundabout way....

To say that pi is a never ending fraction is circular logic - Isosceles

In the Vienna sausage interpretation...

The mathematical construct for introducing a miniature hot dog into an existing quantum mechanical system is known as Furterbation Theory.

Little sauce on that?

FunFacts - World's smallest spaghetti noodle is only 4.1 Angstroms long.

I could almost taste it....

Loretta survived twelve days trapped in the root cellar by smelling the garlic on her fingertips.

Why autocomplete is dangerous...

Frank supposed it was very unlikely he would be killed by the enraged cougar, for he had never been killed by one before.

Succeeding the old fashioned way...

Cranfield managed to eke out an existence bottling the sweat of his brow and selling it at swap meets for $2 a 50 ml vial.

Hey what a great idea...!

TechNews - MIT researchers test "Intelligent Environment" that gently proposes new life options based on past behavior, choices, and likes.

Mustard?

Life is a sandwich. That thinner piece is inner peace.

Honest, I swear to god he didn't...

A sabre-toothed cat, parachuting in from an alien civilization, did not just dive through the sliding glass door and disembowel my sofa.

You mean....?!

"Marjorie, it didn't just *belong* to my grandmother, that *is* my grandmother!"

Try again...

Life is a captcha.

It is not!!

I hate to say it, but stuff that doesn't happen is a hell of a lot more interesting than stuff that does.

Sig, Hi!

Winchell told the principal he hadn't intended to make a Nazi salute, that it was just a rogue wave.

Feeling better now?

Walter had set up mood swings in the back yard for the kids.

Or was it muscle and blood...?

SciNews - Illinois elementary school class builds quantum computer out of mud.

So bee it...!!

"The hive is empty, Your Highness, what gives?"/ "I don't know, all I said was ''swarm today'."

That's a big responsibility....

"I don't know," sniffled the abacus, "it's just that...well...people *count* on me."

You'll catch your death...!!

Unreasonably bold leather for late Spring.

Hardy-frickin'-har!

Winona's chuckle was so hearty she was frequently accused of involuntary manslaughter.

Quoth the great Lao Tzu...

To stand without fear before a charging rhino, one must know the length of its power cord.

Big appetite? Quantity discount?

When the waiter arrived, Marty gestured at the menu and asked, "How much for everything?"

Thanks for..euh...sharing that...

Alfred inexplicably insisted that he was wearing film shorts.

Hey, where do you think you're going...?

The pointless arrow of time.

Slides rule!!

Check it out on the slipstick, Sigfried, if you don't believe me.

I can feel it in my vowels...

My legs feel like logs. Did I forget to cross my e's again?

Deadly...

So he turns to N and I and says, "C'mon it's a killer word, it's got 'ass' in it twice! Are you guys in?"

Does the halo go inside or outside the horns?

Each time you walk in leather shoes, a cow angel dies.

Aye, there's the rub...

It's timestamped and geotagged, so we've got the when and where. All we need to know now is, why?

Woke up this mornin', looked 'round for my shoes...

Couldn't find my shoes this morning. Someone was out walking a mile in them before criticizing me.

Ah aint it pitiful...

If you've only got a st-stammer, everything looks like a f-fail.

And they believed it...!

Reuters - American Clown Council passes new series of gag rules.

So it turns out everybody really is a comedian...

Reuters - NIH study shows 3.1% of human genetic material comes from clowns.

Sizzle gently with rage...

Henschel slammed the refrigerator door and flopped his anger-management porkchop into the frying pan.

War moon 'em, England belle-guy!

Valium is always divisive, in part as stress - Julius Caesar

He aint heavy, he's...euh...

Detlef feigned weightlessness each time Miranda passed by, and eventually she got the hint.

Must have got his wires crossed.

Alvin realized with horror that the circuit diagram on his power point slide contained a prominent swastika.

Impressive...!

"This is my big day," Shavowitz informed us, "I'm expecting 30-35 hours, minimum."

Add a scoop of Windex granita for only $2!!

And don't forget to try Chugalug Manor's signature banana-wood smoked armadillo fajitas!

Now rinse and repeat...!!

Benedict was ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation after attempting to shampoo a killer whale.

Still hangin' in there....

The primitive infrared emanations of Maggy's old gas stove remained discernable above the cosmic microwave background.

Oh, I get it...

All is allusion. I think you know what I mean.

They were neck and neck last week...

LexicNews - Study shows XYZ now leading ABC in easiness ranking.

Mixed grill or mixed metaphor?

Genuine mother-of-pearl dental retainers are the cage fights of the misinterpreted. - Humphrey Bogart

Plucky lad!!

As Martin extricated himself from the wreckage, he reckoned that if he hailed another cab, he might still just make his plane.

It's been what, 15 years?

Laurel was a terrible correspondent already while she was alive, so you can imagine how things got afterwards.

What'd'ja put in this, anyway....?

Distastelessness.

Latest this week...

Braking News - Safe following distance increased to 11 car lengths.

The service was a bit chaotic...

"Wait a minute," said God, as the waiter brought him a secong helping of entropy, "I didn't order this."

Easy on the firewater next time!

Duckfeather snorted in his sleep and woke up the whole wikiup.

How the heck are ya?!

I am Lazarus, come from the dead, and I'm really glad to have this opportunity to chat with you.

Do your own dirty work!!

MathNews: Sinusoids to strike, "throw off yoke of Fourier transform",  refuse "to represent anything & everything" at whim of Coefficients.

Weasel poo for you too, sir?

Buford didn't take any chances. He always had his coffee's genome sequenced before he drank it.

You never know...

Sharon Dipity, please stop by the customer service desk. It just might end up changing your whole life.

Sweet!!

Never make a latte with the milk of human kindness - Baristotle

Head 'em up?

Whether 'tis straighter in the saddle to suffer the slings 'n arrows 'n keep that carcass movin', or to take arms against a slew o'troubles, 'n by opposin', rawhide!

Put that back!

Benson got fired from his job at the foie-gras factory for his too-literal interpretation of "enjoy it while you can".

Smile!

BusinessNews - Weber Inc. branches out into hip-hop market with enameled stainless grills.

No probs!

"Oops," he said, stooping to wipe up the mess, "mea kulfi!"

Head 'em up, move 'em out...again...and again...

Keep that carcass movin', rawhide!

Try harder...

Terkel was fine as spur of the moment, but he never made flavor of the month.

What's he trying to tell us...?

Finally we understood that Bernard was doing a figure-8 waggle dance

Dat aint workin'!

Jeff accused Alan of producing a seminal work.

A real mankiller...

There were no survive hers.

Keep it down, eh?

One man's signal is another man's noise.