Hmm, you got this one in a size 9?

In the Money Works Interpretation of quantum mechanics, all possible outcomes are real, and you simply purchase the one you want.

She was a private woman...

Derek's mother had only opened up to him twice in her life, once to let him in, and once to let him out.

Just hum to block it out...

Fear not silence. It is the sound of the Creator giggling.

Hit me up with that blue jay....

MedFacts - In the days before organized medical care, small birds were often used as syringes.

Whatsat, number a hundred and eleventy six by now?

Reuters - Nuclear clowns add element of surprise to periodic table.

C'mon, hand 'em over!

Tuesday afternoon, Fred and Ferd were lured into a fake bowling alley and divested at gunpoint of their licorice whip neckties.

Ah, OK, I get it...

"Practice," replied the headless apparition, "practice, practice, practice."

Hullo, what's this?!

It was serendipity when Wilson picked up the pieces of the dropped petri dish and realized he had broken the mold.

Base 2 Blues

Richard went to the digit store, but with 0 dollars, he could buy nary a 1.

No I'm sorry sir, but you can't have onions too if you've ordered a cheese NAND.

Think of me next time you get ironed, guy...

No disrespect meant, stranger, but we don't cotton to synthetic fabrics around these parts.

I remember when, we used to sit in the kitchen...

No pumpkin no pie, no pumpkin no pie.

Scarfin'!!

Pear peel pie, dog biscuits, and mildew wine, at the Hammered Dulcimer in Wigwam, South Dakota!!

So, how long have you been dead?

BeautifulCorpse.com  - Where the Dead Meet!

For optimal fun!!

Let's give a great big hand to Grady Indecent and the Local Minima!!

Fweep!!

When the judge finally pronounced sentence, Tyler saw his future unroll before him like a party horn.

Won't you fly high free bird!

C'mon Cartwright, put the bird down. It's *bungee* jumping, alright? Not *budgie* jumping.

Sixteen Points

Some people say a brain runs on sugar and blood
A wasted man's brain runs on alky and drugs
Alky and drugs and tricks and lies
I got a low IQ but my spirit's high

You drop 16 points, and what do you get?
A couple beers shorter and your powder gets wet
Teacher don't you call me 'cause I don't know
I owe my grade to the guy by the door

I was bored one morning when the sun didn't shine
Picked up a sudoku & fired up my mind
You drop 16 points of Stanford-Binet
Did I get the puzzle? You kiddin'? No way!

You drop 16 points, and what do you get?
A couple beers shorter and your powder gets wet
Teacher don't you call me 'cause I don't know
I owe my grade to the guy by the door

I was bored one mornin', it was drizzlin' rain
Puzzlin' and wonderin' are my middle name
Raised in the suburbs by a desperate housewife
Aint no dirtball teacher gonna mess up my life

You drop 16 points, and what do you get?
A couple beers shorter and your powder gets wet
Teacher don't you call me 'cause I don't know
I owe my grade to the guy by the door

If you see me comin', better step aside
A lotta brains didn't and a lotta brains fried
One fifth of bourbon, the other of rum
I like to mix 'em together
Who you callin' dumb?

You drop 16 points, and what do you get?
A couple beers shorter and your powder gets wet
Teacher don't you call me 'cause I don't know
I owe my grade to the guy by the door

What a fruitcake...

Harry, whyn't you go for a nice long walk, I feel my nut allergy comin' back.

Along came a spider...

Tarantula rain.

Will grow brain for food...

Finally François understood that standing on the corner ringing a bell with a silver plated mercy bucket at his feet was a dumb idea.

What are we Tolkien about?!

In Lard of the Rings, the Flabbits inhabit a sub-cutaneal reality known as "Middle Girth".

Try clearing your throat...

The doctor's assessment was devastating: Philip would never be able to learn Norwegian because he suffered from irritable vowel syndrome.

See the new blouse I made?

Prada yourself?

Looks like some kinda coverup to me...

The villagers returned to discover that a bar-buryin' tribe had covered their tavern in a giant mound of earth.

They just wouldn't man up...

Reuters - World Court rules improbable events non-existent.

What's that green stuff...?

Well, looks like he finally got what he wanted. I mean, except for the beautiful corpse part.

Go Notre Dame!!

Well I guess you can have your hunch back. Turns out he isn't.

No no, not *that* much stubble...

Juliette hired a police forensics expert to build a 3D model of what her husband would look like if he smiled.

Doesn't much look like either of you...

Yes and No were married in July, and a year later their first Maybe was born.

That'll teach 'im...

Theodore's mother couldn't convince him to let go of the pier and get into the boat, so his father came down and saw him off.

Oye como va mi ritmo!

Try VanHalen™ toilet tissue - Carlos Santana

Ohh, pick me! Pick me!

Fork was sort of a sloppy seconds vampire. He didn't drink blood, he ate scabs.

Wait, I think I see a maybe over there...

All yessed up with no place to no.

Bivalve Biology 101

"All of us," said the professor, "oysters, clams, mussels - have the traits we have today because of something I call, "The Shellfish Gene".

Let's get outta here quick!

Peering through the window of the disused outhouse Lonsdale saw it was inhabited by a strong cultural taboo.

Just forget about it...

She had an always heart, but a never mind.

But who's counting?

Everyone is one word
No one is two

Sugar with that?

Crack O'Dawn, Beast of Java

Back to normal at last!

Reuters - Satanic Council announces Hell freeze is over.

Eggsplorers....

Uptik scrambled up over the edge of the frying pan and surveyed the eggscape.

We may never know...

Bill asked Mister E what his real name was, but he refused to answer.

You can't control an independent bacteria colony...

If your shower curtains smell like salami / Set them free

The Web of Laredo...

I can see by its content this mail is important
Gmail did tag with a lozenge of gold
The banner ad's up in less than a second
Shot in the heart? No need to die!

I see...

Brad had decided to start eating light by incorporating more optical fiber into his diet.

Keep out of direct moonlight, dry clean only.

Wear Wolves of London™ fine outer garments.

Achoo-choo!

Gesundheitbahn (n): a sneeze train

Zola mellows out....

J'accuzzi!

Nu?

Reuters - Nuclear ban becomes unclear as UN reverses itself.

Order in the court!

Breaking the second law of thermodynamics is organized crime.

Other side, mate!

Two wrongs walk into a bar, make a left, and end up in the lady's room.

Fud for thought?

I don't mean to be rood
But if it's red
Why call it blood?

A self propelling sophistry....?

Harriet was not amused when Wilfred told her she had no sense of humor.

Well?

The Labrador stared at me impatiently. "Which part of 'woof woof woof woof!' did you not understand?" he demanded finally.

He didn't notice that the lights had changed...

The night air fills with the murmurs of damaged reindeer as Santa claws his way out of a miasma of sleigh wreckage and undelivered presents.

It's all Greek to me...

Which part of "Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres" did you not understand?

They never disappoint.

Try WadEver™ brand cotton balls.

Sharpen your wits!

Life on the cutting edge can get dull after a while.

Who to call?

God loves you. In fact, he's stalking you.

Coffee's ready!

"Jane, Cheetah, come on, get up, it's a jungle out there!"

Oh well...

He put a gun to my head and made me laugh. So he shot me.

Jesus what a stupid idea...

Wait a minute, you want *me* to die for *your* sins, *that's* your idea?

Better re-check your agenda...

Finally it dawned on Winchell that he had just slept through the wrong meeting.

Not fast enough!

"Duck!" cried Simpson, but Wendell got plastered by the errant mallard anyway.

Alright, quit layin' about...

I tried to comforter, but she claimed I was trying to make her feel quilty.

Wasn't going to get away that easy...

"My god it's no use!" cried Winchell, waving his useless scissors in the air, "these apron strings are made out of Kevlar!!"

What a nuisance...

Have you got those scissors, I think our destinies have gotten linked again.

Here, take this banana peel...

Why don't you go slip in the bathroom while I fix myself a drink?

Oh bitch, you wary?

Died of a one-shot goon to the head.

And he never really recovered...

Pi was barely more than 3 when he began acting irrationally.

Number Police

"Yeah, headquarters, we got a guy here called Pi, acting irrationally."

Better do as he says...

"On your knees!" thundered the Kulfiwallah, brandishing a vanilla bean.

Try it!!

Place a finger in each ear & press hard until you can feel them touching. You should now be able to do the Donut-Head with all of your might.

Just about sums it up...

"Go forth and divide!" said God to the amoebae.

Aim a little higher this time....

Jeff ignored the bulletins they sent him, so they decided to see if they could bulletin his brain directly.

Time to start callin' a pate a pate...

Jasper wore his baldness as a WYSIWYG.

Yawn...

The view from the craggy outlook Ronald had discovered turned out to be so boring that he named it High Fella's Leap.

Ow!

You could tell Ringwald knew the score. His feed hand was covered with bitemarks.

Ya gotta stick to it...

If walking softly doesn't work, try harder.

Future postponed...

FabricOfExistenceNews - Reality goes on strike for better conditions.

Well Julie's not wearing one...

Two year old Ignatz considered he was getting a bum wrap when his mother made him wear Pampers at the beach.

Maybe tomorrow...

They circled each other for so long they both got dizzy and decided to just go home and take a nap.

OK now lift the other foot too...

TechTip: Having trouble connecting? Try holding your phone in a more uncomfortable position.

Wha...?

Make yourself a drink while I go slip into oblivion.

Ye-ha!

Jack's bison hat had a buffalo bill.

Let's do that again!

Reuters - Planet undergoes orbasm while circling sun, causing Earth to move for millions worldwide.

And drippers shall ab-stain!

All who preferred regular grapes were instructed to say "aye". Needless to say, it was seedless to nay.

She didn't understand the gravity of the situation...

Susan placed a small neutron star in each crabcake to help them keep their form while cooking.

Hark the sacred mudfish screaming (full version)

Hark the sacred mudfish screaming
Chlorox smoothies, war-torn Spring
Piston's worth of eggplant stardom
Garbled whispers, muskrats riled
Painful, all ye bunyons burning
Annoint tootsies darkly turning
Pull your up socks up, suck your tum
Fight with whores for bubblegum
Grapes to grapefruits, Dimple Dumb
Regular sawdust, farfetched fun

The one they call...

When Dances With Wolves began to get up in years, the locals changed his name to Genuflects With Difficulty.

And that small one there, the one with only one eye, we call him Runs With Scissors.

Quick, get him into the jar...

Reuters - International team of anthropologists discover person with normal personality in Sumatran rainforest.

This phone...

It's unbelievable the things this phone will do for you.
All you gotta do is have this phone in your vicinity and it's like....wow!
You gotta get this phone, man. It's made outta chocolate! Amazing!
This phone got a microwave oven. You stick your *mind* in there and, wow hold on!
This phone is better than LSD.
This phone says gesundheit *before* you sneeze!
Ima mainline this phone.
This phone is your best friend, your mama, your girlfriend, all the pizza in the world, and a psychedelic shotgun all rolled into one.
Tom Waits has this phone.
It's unbelievable the things this phone will do for you, man. Just buy it and STFU.

Hand me that eraser...

I guess we'll just have to chalk it up to the gradual accumulation of minute calcite coccoliths.