Friday, November 30, 2012
And a-one, and a-two, and a-....
Each morning, Wally would put on his earbuds and bike up the strand to buy croissants.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
'Twas music to his ears...
That morning, Ricardo told us he'd heard a car horn that sounded exactly like his wife yawning.
What's confusin' you is the nature of my game...
In hell, things remain upside down no matter how many times you turn them over.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The path to enheaviment....
Thereupon the bathroom scales fell from my eyes as I found myself entering the way of the Bodyfatva.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Hmm, better get to a dentist...
Hah! I aint scared o' no sharp cookie! I cut my teeth on sharp cookies!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Only so much a man can take...er, pig.
"The corn is rancid!" announced Andy the Pig. "Boy, they're gonna get some feeback on this!"
Ya gotta stay grounded...
CelebNews - Battery of tests reveal Duracell Bunny is terminally ill after falling prey to "Power of Positive Thinking" guru.
Euh...congratulations?
After decades of tenacity and hard work, Harris finally became part of the success pool.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Lucky she didn't wash his mouth out...
Miss Bivalve made Ollie go stand in the corner because he said "shucks", which is a swear word for oysters.
My love he has purloined away!!
He errs through the flies with the latest of grease / That trying young man on the fairly daft beast
I'm afraid we're going to have to punctuate...
The MRI scan revealed a football the size of a tumor in Robert's semicolon.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Poor pooch...
If Rip the Labrador could see Jackie playing with her new poodle Fufu, he'd roll over and play dead in his grave!
Friday, November 23, 2012
To move, or not to move, that is the question.
'Twas the day after Thanksgiving, when all through the house, the future was blurry, not even announced.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Rockin' in the stone age!
When the night watchman went in to see what all the ruckus was, he found
the T. Rex and the Triceratops dancing to fossil records.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Poor little guy, he need a drink?
Can you run that by me again, I mean, once it catches it's breath?
Friday, November 16, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
The Hostess (apologies to Kenny Rogers)
At a fashion store one day, in a mall in th'middle o'nowhere
I met up with a hostess, she was chewin' out the staff
Then we took turns tryin' on our chosen garments in the change room
'Til we bumped into each other, and we began to laugh
She said, "Honey, I made a life o' bein' the one they all have eyes on
At soirées full of VIPs, no matter what the price
And if you don't mind my sayin', looks like there's one on your horizon
So if you'll buy me a cappuccino, I'll give you some advice."
Well I took her to the Starbucks and I gave the barista five bucks
As she tidied up her lipstick, and asked me how it looked
Then a hush came o'er the mall as she kinked up a well-plucked eyebrow
'N said, "If you wanna play the game, dear, you have to play it by the book
You have to know when to jive 'em, know when to high five 'em
Know when to walk the walk and know when to joke
You never count the silverware while your guests are at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when they go to grab their coats
Now every hostess knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to RSVP and knowing when to snob
'Cause every party's an orgy and every party's a fun'ral
And the hallmark of success is not to wake up next to some slob."
Then when she'd finished speakin', pushed back her chair and stood up
Fiddled with her shopping bags and dis'ppeared in the crowd
And as I watched her fade away, I knew I'd come to one conclusion,
There's no way I'd want someone like that in my house, cryin' out loud
You have to know when to jive 'em, know when to high five 'em
Know when to walk the walk and know when to joke
You never count the silverware while your guests are at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when they go to grab their coats
Jack? Jack what are you doing?!
I once sliced a date down the middle and found a live caterpillar inside. The poor girl was mortified!
Jailhouse rocks!!
Vincent had spent the better part of his life behind bars, and could
whip up a pina colada to knock your socks off in thirty seconds flat.
Lunge for your wives!!
A horrific creature with the swindling carapace of a Mont Blanc Meisterstück and the digestive tube of an armadillo.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Killer (with apologies to Kenny Rogers)
On a warm summer's evenin' on a highway bound for nowhere
I ran into a killer, we were both too drunk to see
So we took turns a starin' at our junkheaps in the darkness
'Til our bladders overtook us and we both turned to pee
The man said, "I just took my wife out for gettin' in people's faces
Pokin' in their business and gen'rally bein' a drag
Now if you don't mind my sayin', you're peein' on yore shoelaces
But for a taste of that there whiskey, I'll let you use this rag."
Well I handed him the bottle and he bolted down a swallow
Was he reachin' for a cigarette? Something glinted in the light.
Then he held up a revolver, you should'a seen my expression.
When he said, "If you're gon' play the game, ya gotta play it right.
You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.
Now ev'ry killer knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to aim it high and when to aim more deep.
For ev'ry woman's a sinner and ev'ry man's a loser,
And the best that they can hope for is to buy it in their sleep."
Well he fin'lly finished singin' and turned back towards his jalopy,
Turned on the radio and slipped out of his boots.
But right there in the darkness, that killer got unlucky.
'Cause with all that he'd just larned me that was a gun that I could shoot.
You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.
I ran into a killer, we were both too drunk to see
So we took turns a starin' at our junkheaps in the darkness
'Til our bladders overtook us and we both turned to pee
The man said, "I just took my wife out for gettin' in people's faces
Pokin' in their business and gen'rally bein' a drag
Now if you don't mind my sayin', you're peein' on yore shoelaces
But for a taste of that there whiskey, I'll let you use this rag."
Well I handed him the bottle and he bolted down a swallow
Was he reachin' for a cigarette? Something glinted in the light.
Then he held up a revolver, you should'a seen my expression.
When he said, "If you're gon' play the game, ya gotta play it right.
You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.
Now ev'ry killer knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to aim it high and when to aim more deep.
For ev'ry woman's a sinner and ev'ry man's a loser,
And the best that they can hope for is to buy it in their sleep."
Well he fin'lly finished singin' and turned back towards his jalopy,
Turned on the radio and slipped out of his boots.
But right there in the darkness, that killer got unlucky.
'Cause with all that he'd just larned me that was a gun that I could shoot.
You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Barely noticeable...
At age 21, Wilcox had a stroke of genius, causing him to walk with a slight swagger for the rest of his life.
The experience was just off scale!
Have just finished shaving with a manta ray dipped in liquid nitrogen.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Best medecine maybe, but beware of dependency!
Doc thought I'd improved enough to take me off laughter. I'm just on a maintenance level chuckle right now.
A tale of Dale...
"I don't know how this works out," confessed Dale, "a DNA molecule like mine has never been tested before."
For this is the way of things, froglet...
Poco had never lived in a house before, and the first time we came to check on him, we found him walking on the ceiling.
How ya doin', punkin'?
DigitalNews - Computer scientists develop new bit-slice architecture to mince pi to unprecedented accuracy.
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