He realized he didn't have a leg to stand on....

The heptaplegiac arachnid waved hi.

Fractured lightbulb jokes....

How many explanations does it take to change a dimbulb?

A hundred morons walk into a bar and ask the bartender if he's got change for a lightbulb.

An election by erection, as it were....

Each man's existence - to the extent that he shoots his wad - represents a single vote for the face the future will have.

Stuff it!

Tom reckoned that if the best any of us can do is vote for a future filled with genomes like our own, he might as well stuff the ballot box.

Call me et al.

If I make you first author, Betty when you cite me you can call me et al., call me et al.

Everybody needs one....

Earthquake syringe.

On this frabjous day, let us pledge our dust cloths....

Hype ledge a liege ants, tooth of lag, after your knotted tights of a marigold.

And two-three pup-lick, four widget stands, wan Haitian, hunt her cod, in the visible, wet slipper teen just as for Raul.

The meaning of life

Leo conceded it was unfathomable. His best shot was to carrom his genome into the stradalada & hope some future gumball would figure it out.

That oughtta sella million copies!

Larry decided to write his first novel about a man who spends three years putting together marketing tools before writing his first novel.

What kind of planet is this anyway?

Zork stood before the wall for over an hour and no brick came to his aid. On Frip, bricks normally exhibited complicity in under 10 minutes.

Pas de deux interrupted...

A rivulet of borscht snaked down Dmitri's forehead as the ballerina he suspended above him vomited delicately. #lqw

An astronomical chuckle....

Waiter, there's a Trojan in my Lagrange point.

This one was popular on Artwiculate....

Because of his mirth defect, William was unable to be a jocular like the other boys.

New business model!

Have decided to start an emergency shoelace replacement service.

Our Promise: Fresh shoelaces airlifted to you worldwide in under 30 minutes, or they're free.

Because what?

Because the roll is wound, it earns me tons 
Because the roll is wound, it earns me tons
Aaaaaaaaahhh........
Because the hint is why? it knows I'm blind 
Because the hint is why? it knows I'm blind
Aaaaaaaaahhh........

Love is all, love is new
Love is all, love is you

Because the blind is skewed, it creaks, "My, my."
Because the blind is skewed, it creaks, "My, my."
Aaaaaaaaahhh........

Faster!

When the nurse lifted her head in a brief moment of inattention, the flustered master's mustard plaster busted past her.

Keep in line....

There once was a closed curved named Lee
That had a a fractal dimension of 3
They said stop yer twinin'
Yer overdefinin'
Yer tortuous superficies

Today's grammar lesson

Pie before tea, except after three, or if hounded like prey, while at labour or play.

Fractured Wire Service Updates

Reuters - Faster than light neutrino slated for mother and child reunion as defunct satellite hurtles earthward.

Been watching too many French cop shows...

Ô sous écoute, ô sous écoute, ô sous écoute honey hide your loot, my sous écoute.

You know the kind

Guy comes walkin' up to me like meat on a stick.

Emily Blog Post

More of us should think about how our tweets will fit in with the ones before and after them. It's just good Twittequette.

All's well that ends eggplant.

People who try to finish your sentences for you are always bicarbonate.

Waterbed

The waters of the lake were still, as if sleeping, but after the boat passed they were a wake.

Lemme outta here!

The unexpectedly dismissed jailor was having a tough time of things. He'd basically had to go cold turnkey.

I think I got a fleeting glimpse of one a moment ago....

Though the sophisticated female entertainers were popular through the 19th century, there are relatively fugacious in modern-day Japan. #lqw

Sai Baba weighs in on unemployment

Before you accept a job ask yourself: is it fun, is it productive, is it honest, does it improve upon unemployment?

It's the only way....

Finally Dick laid down the law. "Anybody who wants to become a member of this family," he declared, "is gonna have to pass through me first!"

Torx family seeks police protection....

Reuters - Rebel forces track down and execute inventor of phillips-head screw at remote desert hideout.

Stuck in a what?

To accept that you are stuck in a rut, you must first be aware something exists outside the rut.

Another loqwacious time bomb....

As Crawley placed a sack of condoms, hair gel, and croissants on his boss' desk, he realized he'd become low man on the factotum pole. #lqw

The word of the day was philtrum...nobody got it

Whether 'tis nobler in th'nose t'snuffle up drips&drops o'contagious mucus, or curl lip against a sea o'dribbles, 'n by opposing, philtrum.

Pistils at dawn

Finally Hedlund threw down the gauntlet and challenged Rivers to a duel in the poppy field. It was to be pistils at dawn.

Homage to "Ride Your Pony"

Toss your salad / Get out your salad tongs & toss / All right! / Toss your salad / Get out your salad tongs & toss / Ah you're tossin' high!

Another random phrase from the cusp of consciousness

Some of the items in the wastebasket were talismans, placed there to guide the karma of the remaining payload until it could be discarded.

Hint: Cream

Bonunna abassa / Abindann sissaba ganacraw / Iffawazza faballa, awuddahanno luggadaw!

When life gives you seaweed, make nori?

Dreamed I had to give a talk I hadn't prepared on old plastic transparencies. When I arrived at the podium all I had in my hand was seaweed.

Edward Teller Brows

Sung to the tune of Bette Davis Eyes.



The eyes are furry, your sympathy arouse,
No need to worry, he's got Edward Teller brows.

He'll periodic table you, nuclear fishin' off his bow,
He'll Ronald Reagan you, he's got Edward Teller brows.

He won't tease you, he'll unease you,
Don't really care whether he please you,
But he's not vicious, he gets what he wishes,
With his eyes like angler fishes,
He's got Dr. Strangelove's on-screen wow, he's got Edward Teller brows.

He'll start to reel you in, as fast as time allows,
He'll nibble on your fins, he's got Edward Teller brows.

He'll do an atomic number on you, he irradiates cows,
Those Three Mile Island blues, he's got Edward Teller brows.

He'll expose you, when he snows you,
With all the pro-nuke spam he throws you,
But he's not vicious, he gets what he wishes,
Dangling lures like angler fishes,
He's the father of the H-bomb now, he's got Edward Teller brows.

He will juke you, and rebuke you,
The crazy guy might even nuke you,
He's not vicious, he gets what he wishes,
With those dangly angler fishes,
He's the guy invented Star Wars now, he's got Edward Teller brows.

He will juke you,
He'll rebuke you,
Then he'll nuke you, he's got Edward Teller brows.

He'll expose you,
When he snows you.

He'll snow you, he's got Edward Teller brows.
And he'll nuke you...

An ode to i

Who am i?

Those who abide me tangle in complexity, yet i am the candle that illuminates dreams, all that is not real. Who squares me will find as many more for each of those that i am, and forfeit one of his own. May the heavens beware, for if with time i should rise to a power, all begins to spin.

Who am i?

i am i.

You know, that one....

Looking back, I wondered if I really had been in love with what's-her-face.

Now why's that then?

John drove Carol up to Letter's Leap for a smooch, but when she nodded off, he didn't dare wake her.

And that's all.

15 trillion jerkoffs walk into a bar.

Running on empty....

I feel good because something positive happened today, but now I can't remember what it was.

Another loqwacious lovely....

Ricky the riveter was injured when the handle broke off his air hammer, and from then on he's had to squat to peen. #lqw

One heady hammam!

Jackie loved the sauna; it gave herself a steam.

My good deed for the day...

Found this Tiffany heart key in Paris this morning. Could be important to someone. Please RT. http://yfrog.com/mfss0aj

Cheese with that?

My life wept me for a mother naan.

An artwiculate faining spell....

"Knowest thou Melancholy Baby, minstrel?" "Nay alas good sir, but hum a few bars and I would fain feign it."

Fain fain fain, fain of chools.

Horsin' around...

Giddyup and Other Tales of Whoa.

Banned in Bulgaria

Samizdat (n): premium service available to Amazon ebook authors which bans books in order to improve their sales #lqw

Researchers Devise "Sentient Glue"

UPI - UK researchers working on so-called "smart adhesives" have developed a glue they claim is sentient. "The adhesive matrix can identify the bits that want sticking and those that don't," said lead scientist Conrad Horkle of UC London, "and that gives a cleaner, more solid joint." At present the glue adheres only to the surfaces the researchers did not intend it to bind to, but the group is confident they'll be able to get things turned around. "The sticky bit," says Horkle, "is getting the proportions right. At the moment we reckon we've made the glue too clever by about a half. We'll be looking carefully at the dosages in our upcoming studies." Based on a technique called "arthropod biomimetics", the UCL group's method could lead to commercially available intelligent glues in as little as 5 years time, according to Horkle.

Behave yourself!

Billy! Don't point at the fat man, he just has a girth defect!

Got any scotch tape?

A chain of fools is only as stupid as its dumbest link.

The inescapable loneliness of being average

If you are of average intelligence, half the people will be smarter than you and half will be dumber. So you won't have any friends.

The indefatigable opulence of the walrus

Hate your hurt, your nature nurture, don't you think the archer aims for you?

What'd he say?

The standup anchovy found his sardinic humor was not going over too well.

Anything good on tonight?

The search for intelligent life in the universe begins at home.

Er, lysdexic...um...

If life gives you melons, God is dyslexic.

Whiz of worddom...

Let an umpire be your salmonella.

Like a virgin....

He who levitates is aloft - Richard Branson

Existential heraldry...

Wine a whirl we here? Shirley nada livin' griffin sorrow?

Jacques Brel's antisocial network...

Ne me twitte pas - Jacques Brel

See ya later Allegheny!

There were allegations that the investigators were investigating alligators.

Not exactly spot on....

It came to Cyril one night in dream that God wished him to acquire a spotwelder.
It would behalf a lifetime before he understood that his true destiny lay elsewhere.

Sign me up

Vacuousness is a single malt lawn chair.

Don't mean beans to me

Frijoles, the only thing greater than yourself.

Raw Kebab Bay Leaf

Raw kebab bay leaf, in the tree top
Window implodes, the cradle will rock
When they buy bricks, the cradle will fall
And Donald Trump bay leaf, cradle and all

Carnivore Palimpsest

Morning glory kaftan, alligator porchlight, body bag your quaker oats before the light goes brown. Horizon mishmash. Carpool your mustache. Corn beef your eyelash. Puppets Peru!

Just not getting it across....

Trouble was, every time Tom dropped a hint, somebody picked it up and took it over to Lost and Found.

You're flying in what?!

My husband called me all excited last night from his conference in Osaka and said he was up flying in a lighter than air barroom.

Maybe next time....

Jacques was about to do something impromptu when he realized the moment wasn't wearing any spurs.

Quaker Minced Oaths....

Minced Oath & Warthog've closed down their shop. Th'didn't want to, 'twas all they'd got. Selling bogly odds bodkins, cheese 'n rice figs...

Donald Trump he aint....

Tears welled up in the pot's eyes as Dale removed it gently from the kiln and told it it had been fired.

An ode to packaging

John didn't have enough fingers to get the package open and finally had to call in a toe.

Ho hum, are we in orbit yet?

By 2020 suborbital flights on Spaceship 2 had become so effortless & low key that people started calling it the Space Subtle #lqw

Human nature abhors vacuuming.....

He called his Hoover Papa 'cuz it had a brand new bag.

Ode to a triangle...

Symmetric, mystical, imposing yet lean, and spare. Behold the equilateral triangle, a paragon of polygons.

Royalty weighs in on the matter...

Zydeco is the finger splint of the rhinoceros - Kate Middleton

Sai Baba meets Ralph Lauren

Before donning a garment, ask yourself: Is it good? Is it beautiful? Is it necessary? Does it improve upon nakedness?

Kitty blues....

This Schroedinger cat had a mind to ramble, and at the same time, a mind not to go nowhere. #lqw

Better be careful....

Confucius say, man who walk naked in henhouse likely to get his circumspect.

Art lovers unite!

Harold was so impressed by all the titian tahitians in the exposition that he decided to Gauguin. #lqw

Getting the triangular point....

The triangular point on the toilet paper reminded him that even in the privacy of his water closet he was still not at home.

Green thumb my ass....

Certainly it's not rocket science to get arugula to grow in my garden?

I'd love to turn you on...

I had a dream today, bow wow/ About a lucky dog who made the grade/ And though the room was rather still/ Well, I just had to yaff. #lqw

A short discourse on cursive discursive

Al Capone's son Vinny upon returning to 5th grade after spending time in Leavenworth: "What's discursive evabuddy usin' now?

A man's got his priorities....

As his car hurtled toward the canyon floor, John regretted that his last tweet was likely to contain misspellings.

Phooey on your ratatouille!

Hilda's ratatouille was eggplant regnant 'til the day she lost her auberginity to a carrot.

Get some kleenex...

Rupert was so keyed-up about the neologism he'd thought of that he had a neologasm.

I aint carryin'....

Ari Agrarian became a riparian ferryman after marryin' a Hungarian librarian in Yerevan. Their daughter, Marion, was delivered by Caesarian.