Ethanol (apologies to Lou Reed)

I don't know just where I'm going
But I'm goin' to try for the couch if I can
'Cause it's the closest thing on hand
When I get my alky in my veins
Then I tell you things aren't quite the same

When I'm vomiting on rum
And I feel just like a total bum
And I guess I just fell on the flo'
But I guess that I just don't know

Didn't need no big decision
To try to alcoholize my life
'Cause when the booze begins to flow
And I tip back the bottle's neck
I could blowtorch with my breath

Can you help me here you guys?
Or you sweet girls come 'round to gawk?
Can you help me get up and walk?
'Cause I guess I fell on the flo'
But I guess I just don't know

I know that I got bored a thousand beers ago
I wanna go sail down the darkened streets
In my great big SUV
Going from this bar here to that
I put on a jackass' suit and cap

Into the big city
Where a man can be free
Of all the content in this brain
And of his family and his friends
Oh, and I guess I need a smoke
Oh, but I guess the lighter's broke

Ethanol, smell the breath on me
Ethanol, I had a wife and I had a life
Because a sixpack in my gut
Makes my bladder feel like lead
And then I better get to the head

When the booze begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore
About all the Slim-Jims I chowed down
And everybody standin' while I'm on the ground
And all of the bartenders makin' crazy sounds
All the dead bottles piled up in mounds, yeah

Wow, that alky is in my blood
All the good it does my head
Yeah, I think God, I'm still not dead?
Ooohhh, I think God am I still here?
And I think God he prolly don't care
And again I'm on the flo'?
But I guess I just don't know

I imagined doing great things today...

In early societies, there was ritual virility. Today, we have virtual reality.

Quit monkeyin' around....

For it is the only difference between stillness and silliness.

A sign of the times...

CelebNews - Neil Young changes name to Neil Old.

No no, I was just yawning...

Raise your hand if you're apathetic.

Who wants to go dancin'?!

She was well up in her years but always rarin' to go. They called her "Enthuselah".

I've heard so much about you...

"So," began Willy, extending his hand, "I understand you're me."

Ah well that's alright then...

Thought my last tweet had gone viral, but turned out to be bacterial, and could be treated with antipsychotics.

Yeah but is it 3.1 or 3.2?

A little reflectorized sticker on the side of his forehead said "Anger Inside."

That a chimp or a chump?

The Internet addict finally decided to go to rehab when he realized he had a bum key on his Mac.

Whew, that's a load off my mind...

Lone Ranger use up all his heavy silver ammunition. Trigger happy!

They said it couldn't be done!

Exporcauralserisaculofaction (n): the act of making a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

We'll make millions!!

What this world needs is a controlled substance that isn't dangerous for your health.

Hmm, wonder if the back door is locked...

"But it's dangerous out here!" cried the inmate as he was led out the front door. "Nobody promised you a guard, Rosen," replied the warden.

Buy 'em, sucker!

Girls' clout cookies.

Woof woof!!

"Oh, screw the putsch," said Hitler finally, "let's just have a beer."

Let it out and let it in...

Thank you, air, for always being there for me.

Holding steady at 843,000....

The nice thing about being ranked last is you can never fall in the ratings.

The meaning of life...

The accused was sentenced to a pain in the neck until dead.

You givin' me the bird?!

Reuters - Isolated Pacific island fishing community uses cormorants as birth control device.

And on top of that his loof was reeking...

Helmut's roof was slated to be re-tiled.

And gradually he faded away...

Joel's selfishness ultimately left him unfit to live in society, and at the age of 41 he was sent to finish out his days in a gimme shelter.

Ouch!

Never end a sentence a prepuce scission with.

Git on the stick, kiddo!

Tommy wasn't sure he understood everything his counselor had said, but was pleased to know his personal development was like a stag mating.

*That's* Aunt Linda??!!

It was not until he had his genome sequenced that James learned his family tree had bark beetles.

Pick up yer feet!

Elliott had an insashayable penchant for square dancing.

Coming soon: expanded rap version!

Get y'se'f together boy, da blues aint green! /Because a towel on the rack means "I will reuse" /A towel on the floor means "please replace"

Run that by me again?

If I knew now what I knew then, I'd probably never have forgotten it!

More shishka, Bob?

Gerard felt like red meat for lunch, but ended up with a hunka hunka burnin' love.

Cruel, cruel Riley...

Riley denied the flies access to his pumpkin pie by covering it with a napkin, then proceeded to laugh out loud at their désarroi.

So give it all ya got!!

Consciousness is an irridescent proverb, about the size of a clam.

DIntcha see the sign?!

Alice lost her car when she parked in a throw away zone.

If anything can go wrong, it did.

There are thought to be 10 to the 500 universes. Just our luck to live in the one that has Murphy's law.

Chain gang tales #347

As a further humiliation, the convicts were required to hand their last cigarette over to the boss when they reached the end of the pack.

C'mon now, pal, I think you've had enough...

Friends don't let friends walk fat.

Anonymous my ass. *I* said it!

"There ain't no damn fool thing people won't do." - Anonymous

Subject to the Yubrekkit/Yubottit Criterion...

Our no-touch policy is implemented according to the provisions of the Hansen-Yerpokitz Accord.

Why, yes, I think we could come to an arrangement...

I know they probably don't have free WiFi in Hell, but can you pay for it?

No no, turn it around...

The mouseian distribution differs from the gaussian principally in its asymmetric tail.

Famous quotes from Pita Pan...

One dolma for man, one grape leaf for mankind.

Lolcat's soliloquy....

To has, or not to has, that is the cheezburger.

Who can know?

Why does bad guys always holds they guns sideways?

He did so much with so little...

How parcimonious of ya, Lester.

Rarefied atmoshpere, no?

When she told me to meet her for a drink at the Machu Picchu Inn, I thought she was setting the bar rather high.

OK I admit it...

The excitement was palpable. So I palped it.

Look, he's all...fluffy...

Winifred created a down boy as a toy for her dog.

Fore!!

Helen congratulated Herbert for inventing the word "aftnication", but told him the answer was still "no".

Merci buckets and silver plate!

Uncle Howard always took a tiny wedge of foie-gras just to be polite, calling it his "goo sliver".

Sugar with that?

Julio was by turns talkative and deeply reserved, a bit of a demi-taciturn.

Warp speed, captain?

"Set flavor to krill," commanded the baleen whale.

What's he think about Romney?

Reuters - International team discovers conscious plant in Madagascar rainforest.

But I haven't done anything wrong!

The large intergalactic reptile was nevertheless stunned when the crewmen set their phasers to "kill".

Sharp guy!

"I'm feelling a bit dull," said the stone axe, "I think I need a knap."

Oh I see!

"I stand corrected," said Roy's astigmatism as he slipped on his glasses.

Put that in your geiger and count it!

"You ran plutonium?!" cried Arthur. "Plutôt uranium," Emil corrected.

Been ages since I've had any...

"What's the porcupine for?" asked Metzger. "Oh that'd have to be spare ribs," replied the game warden.

Try walkin' up to it slower...

David's lack of self esteem was so profound that even automatic doors failed to open for him.

Hommage to Phyllis Diller

Between meals he kept the cooking stick planted rakishly into his greasy locks, calling it his "fry twig".

I dunno, he looks juice to me...

He got along grape with everyone, a real purple piecin'.

I can't go on anymore!

Thomas held the little shrivelled fruit in his hand and cried out loud. So many times he'd prayed for a raisin to live, and each time, this.

And that was that...

"Oyster brava," posited the marmot synthetically.

Steer clear o' that one...

A childhood bowling accident earned him the nickname "Shark-Infested Walter".

Hold him down there...

Slaughter is the best medicine.

Shaken or stirred?

Dickslice, Electric Paper, and Uncle Terse walk into a bar. "Oddballs all around?" suggests the bartender.

That'll never work...

Duncan's idea for an angel-powered locomotive was dismissed as a self-propelling fantasy.

Yeah right...

A little blue-bordered white sticker on his forehead had "My other personality is a really cool guy" printed on it in 24 point Arial.

Snore.....

There was too much traffic on the river tonight. Tying my tiny craft off to a tree branch I adjusted my spine along her keel and let awake rock me to sleep.

Aren't they darling!

The tiny bottlenose dolphins made excellent writing instruments once properly outfitted.

We have to stop meeting like this...

Two parallel lines walk into a bar.

What a zero....

Ben essentially cancelled himself with his own stupidity.

Homage to Jimi Hendrix

Are you a spearmint, or have you ever been a spearmint?

You might wanna go to a shrink...

Doctors finally determined that the cause of Ricardo's headaches was recoil on his scalp due to his hair growing too fast.

Interesting corollary....

What kills you makes you weaker.

In regular, bipolar, and psychopath.

Make up for your deficiencies with Wigwam® Clip-On Personalities!

Shh! He's startin' to come around!

The anaesthesiologists at the clown hospital were fond of dressing up like angels during reanimation procedures.

Here he comes again...

Benjamin's habit of wearing baggy shorts and support hose earned him the sobriquet of The Knee Jerk.

Wait, I think I remember that bird...

Jack and Nancy got arrested for hiking without a clue in a bewilderness area.

Can it, Pincus!

Pincus had the annoying habit of calling cigarettes screwbribers.

Hmm...sticky situation...

Handle with caramel.

Cut that out!

Wilhelm ferociously eschewed anything smacking of routine.

It all tallies up in the end...

Although the evens all seemed to be in favor, the odds remained stacked against her.

Goodness that looks painful!

Johnathon enjoyed sleeping in the buff until the time he woke up at 3 am in the middle of a nudist cramp.

C'I have another hit?

It was good. It was so good that Muckles' spirit drew up into the air like a cloud, and took off across the multiverse like Ricochet Rabbit.

A moment of inertia...

It would take the moral equivalent of a crowbar and an army of pancake flippers to get him up off that couch.

Ah, never mind this one...

Behold X, the self cancelling letter.

Rest in peace, chump.

Reuters - World dies of embarrassment.

Ode to a vacuum cleaner...

There were two settings, labelled "Inadequate" and "Inadequate in a Subtly Different but Indefinable Way". A yellow indicator light labelled "Too Late Now Anyway" glowed feebly.

Yuck, who's that guy?

David's defense strategy was to curl up and look unappetizing.

'Nother shot o' Rebel Yell?

Are we distillin' whiskey, or just whistlin' Dixie?

Don? Hey, Donnie!

Don decided to block his ears until the noise stopped, but being unable to tell any more, was obliged to stay that way the rest of his life.

Where'd he get that hat?

Years later, the little lost dog emerged from the forest wearing a tattered Japanese uniform, convinced that the war was still going on.

Seems simple enough...

If our days are numbered, why is it so difficult to get them in the right order? - Bullwinkle

What was old is nude again...

Reuters - World's oldest nudist dies on centennial birthday, barely realizing dream of living to 100.

Hold your head high...but watch the showerhead!

The tyranny had gone on long enough. Oh he'd lather and rinse, alright, but there was no way in hell he was going to repeat.

Nice goin'...

Eileen became irritable when Frank hoovered off her earrings.

Oh not again!

That awkward moment when those who are about to salute you die.

Woof!

To flea or not to flea, that is the dogma.

Odd or even?

Mary stood and held up a circular platter. "Anybody want another digit of pi?" she enquired.

Bravo!

Weighted waiters everywhere, but nada dropped a drink!

Arf!!

Hand me that dog slicer.

They don't hardly make those anymore...

It was a top of the line, three stooge affair.

Thank yer lucky stars...

In the end, Hank had managed to negotiate being transformed into an acorn. It was a pyrrhic victory, to be sure, but he was *alive*!

Sorry, we're closed...

You, someone else, and no one at all walk into a bar.

Him again....

Nyqvist the baker was a tall, powerful, but rather unpleasant man, of prune Danish ancestry.

Here we go again!

There's never a first time for anything.

You gonna eat that cashew?

Perfect nutmeats every time, with Doggwaddle Misconception Engines (pats. pend.)

Well...what about amore?

When the mood hits you I'd like a big pizza pie, that's an order.

I did that on purpose...

Everyone thought the most original part of Harold's poem was a word he had accidentally misspelled.

Psst...pass it on!

Timothy Leary's rottweiler is buried under my patio.

Crazy thing took weeks to heal....

After the hyena incident, Jerry vowed to always turn the light on before entering the bathroom.

Someday, when he was least expecting it...

The next summer, when Fernanda found the charred handle of her wooden spoon while cleaning the fireplace, she knew that Leo had lied to her.

Thanks again, s'long, see ya tomorrow!

Nelson kept his submarine parked in the interior of a cooperative minke whale.

Jus' lookit 'im...

Franklin's method of negotiating a tight switchback was an argument for Stupid Design.

Quick, lift his head up!

Soup apnea.

Hang on, he's blanked out again...

Rupert avoided a number of predicaments by feigning narcolepsy.

Could I borrow yours?

It's not that there's no free lunch, it's that there are no free lunches left.

Let's not and say we did....

Today's project: Write a 14 page short story using only the word "instead".