That and 4 dollars'll get you a frappuccino.

God grant me the lugubriousness to cancel your vasectomy, the chutzpah to write a webinar about it, and enough cognac to drown a rhinoceros.

Swing your partner round and...oops...

Ants accommodate man's existence by coexisting with him, but do not interact with him meaningfully, by attending square dances, for example.

Early woman didn't stand a chance...

Early man became adept at knapping heartstone into a variety of useful forms to suit his needs.

No animals hurt in this post...but we scared a few!

TechNews: Irish mathematician proves all ways to skin a cat are topologically equivalent.

Presenting......

Burgess, the Dancing Shrimp!

Get a hearing aid, ya big ape!

When King Kong asked the identity of the witch we claimed was deceased, no one had the heart to tell him we weren't singing for him.

Uncivil Cervantes...

Reuters - Industrial pollution scare wracks Spain as downed coyotes found wilting at tin mills across La Mancha.

Always a wise guy...

"How's *that* for a brilliant new idea?!" Jerry announced proudly to an empty apartment. Just then the washing machine piped in. "Spin done," he informed him.

Just being Prague-tickle....

Jim was informed if he wanted to do a painting on the Charles Bridge he had to have a background Czech.

Fun with Latin roots...

Somnambulist (n): one who walks while sleeping

Funambulist (n): one who walks on ropes

Somnafunambulist (n): one who sleepwalks on ropes

Somnafunist (n): one who sleeps on ropes

Gummasticambulist (n): one who walks and chews gum at the same time

Somnagummasticambulist (n): one who sleepwalks and chews gum at the same time

Ursagummasticambulist (n): one who walks and chews Gummi Bears at the same time

Somnombrilist: one who falls asleep while contemplating his navel

Funombrilist: tighrope walker who achieves balance by contemplating his navel

Urifunist: one who pisses up a rope

Jusforfunist: one who enjoys taking the piss irrespective of ropes, sleep, or walking

Shhh! This is a library!

Each time he juddered his chair back from the table, elephant herds throughout central Africa charged for the nearest cover.

Bounding above the masses...

Pogo-stick aristocracy.

Demitasse etiquette oblige....

"Thank you," smiled the president, as he took the tiny cup and spoon in his fingertips and executed a minister.

He liked her!

The way her flesh lay over her bones elicited in him a psychophysiological process capable of leading to an exchange of genetic material.

Better write it down...

Jennifer lost her mind and had to go to the hospital to get reminded.

I'll take that....

Man is also the only vertebrate to have evolved a prehensile ego.

Ah, well that changes everything, sir...

"There," he declared, as he planted a revolver against the old woman's temple and pulled the trigger, "now *I'm* first in line."

Let's try this again....

Lather, rinse, delete.

Now you're talkin'....

"Might as well get in a little toddler practice while we're at it!" chuckled the Algonquin mischievously as he straightened his whiskers.

There was much at steak...

As the contents of the overturned tractor-trailer rained down upon him, Collins realized he was literally being smothered in onions.

Harvey, take this down to the lab for analysis...

The victim had a rhinoceros in his occipital lobe, ruling out penis envy as a motive.

Keep the faith!

"I don't know," sighed one orthodox church to the other, "I'm feeling a bit onion spired these days."

Use your imagination...

Uncaptioned sardine.

Scratch that idea...

From every underside, let fleadom ring!

Off in a smuff o' poke...

Peanut shells mounded with tapenade lift off to cruising altitude.

Quod erat torquandum.

Sic platypus lugnut.

Moo!

When Stu told Yvonne it was time to get a move on, she would never have guessed in a million years that he wanted to become a dairy farmer.

Join today!

Morons for a Lower Common Denominator.

Rules is rules....

The tse-tses were obliged to leave Mahmoud alone when they learned he was on the no-fly list.

Take that!

Harald's goal was to strike fear into their hearts, or, failing that, some other unpleasant sensation into another part of their anatomy.

Oh, jeez, sorry...

That awkward moment when you have a vowel movement while making a diphthong.

You're mean!

That Saturday, Harry was replaced by his mean value. He'd become a statistic.

Aloha-oy!

The reign of Hawaiian Prince Waka-Waka in 1650-1659, when suggestive dancing was punishable by death, is often referred to as the Hulacaust.

If ya wanna make a pogrom ya gotta crack some heads...

This whole low-cost holocaust idea seems a bit misguided.

Better to have unwind than undined....

Jerry's head stopped spinning once he'd unwind. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve as he flushed and headed back to the table.

Here piggy....

It was after his father brought one of the furry, tusked creatures back from a hunting trip that Louis first became fascinated by boardom.

Gotta keep that buzz going....

"I'm feeling a bit clearer after eating," declared Tyler as he raised the bottle and brought it to my glass, "I think it's time we rewind."

How shocking....

Thought my battery was dead but it seems to be revolting now.

What is the sound of a hundred seeds tittering?

The joke was on Ralph when the sesame seeds on his bagel suddenly disrobed in unison and revealed that they were actually poppies.

This thing loaded?

No one would have known they'd even purchased a gun if Randall hadn't shot his mouth off.

Ya gotta face facts....

Wherever he searched, however hard he had worked to get there, God had somehow always beaten him to it.

The sandman cometh....

They gazed into the moonlight and were lulled to sleep by sea urgings pounding on the shore.

Behold, the calamari (but hold the calamari)....

Squid erat demonstrandum.

Why let the others get all the credit?

In Duisberg, the fusilliers lunched in a horse restaurant named The Can 'n Fodder.

Anybody wanna bend a few?

Robin Hood's legendary marksmanship had earned him a reputation as far afield as Spain, where he was known as "El Bow".

Somehow their music is always so hard to hear....

And now, from Thermos, Ohio, let's hear it for Peapod Willie and the Nackground Boys!

It's what we do!

Occupation: nerdherd.

Do the math!

"In sum," the tribute concluded, "Fred introduced no new products, but by creating a division, he did make a difference."

That's amore!

Forthwith the moon, eyewardly pizziferous, what fev'rous creature doth invest my heart?

All the good names were taken?

Inexplicably, Loretta named her pet brine shrimp Riboflavin.

It was lunchtime, you see....

Have just been named Knight Commander of the Next to Least Excellent Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth II's groundskeeper!

He'd loaned out the pitchfork, so I was knighted with the salad tongs. I'll never wash that shirt! The oilstain is precious!

He kept dropping hints he was unhappy about it, to no avail...

Edwin, through no fault of his own, was a pigeon.

The resemblance was striking.....

Reuters - Suicide attempt goes awry as Ohio girl kills twin sister by mistake.