Aint broke, don't fix...

Although his hair had receded dramatically, Jacques still wore a ponytail, and had renewed the gob of epoxy holding his wire-rims together.

Let lying dogs sleep!

"Well of course we're still in Kansas, Toto, now go back to sleep, it was just a bad dream."

Run that by me again...?

SciTechNews - Technology guru Lerome Janier predicts future human communication will be digital, via Morse-code eye-blinks.

What're...chitlins...?

Populate your word cloud with a Dixie melody.

What's he mean by that....?

Cabbage is nine-tenths of the slaw - Paul Bocuse

Get a life, guys...

Bumble beings.

Get 'em while they're not...

Full grown elephants no larger than a quarter.

You can keep your hat on...

"I'm not naked," Rhonda explained to the congregation, "these are my intelligent designer clothes."

Catastrophe at Disneyland!!

There was so much magic in the air that everyone suffocated and died.

Make him say it again!!

Little Chucky wasn't good for much, but he did the most faithful rendition of "thuffrin' thuccotash" any Strudelslinger had ever heard!

Come back, they forgot the anchovies...!!

TechBizNews - Boston startup to deliver pizza using unmanned drones.

I am Coriolis, come from the dead...

PlanetNews - Earth's rotation will be shut down for maintenance today from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Residents are advised to remain indoors.

You sure you read that recipe right...?

Benjamin tossed the spoon in the sink and shook his head. "I think we're going to have to outsauce," he concluded.

I don't wanna be cleaning up after her...

Ripley would never accept a new love into his life without first making sure she was heartbroken.

There he is with that gol dang ring o' truth o' his....again!

Gradually the populace understood that Wordfondler couldn't be trusted to lie to them.

Hand me that flashlight, Elroy...

SciTechNews - Sky Survey team has identified sentient beings made of dark matter, but they are not very bright.

Anybody seen Elvis lately?

Before he knew it, William's investment had ended up costing him a chunk o' chunk o' burnin' change.

Alice? Can you bring me the Halliday and Resnick please?

"Avogadro's number, please," requested the operator.

Please hold...

For security purposes we have decided to be a pain in the ass.

In a roundabout way....

To say that pi is a never ending fraction is circular logic - Isosceles

In the Vienna sausage interpretation...

The mathematical construct for introducing a miniature hot dog into an existing quantum mechanical system is known as Furterbation Theory.

Little sauce on that?

FunFacts - World's smallest spaghetti noodle is only 4.1 Angstroms long.

I could almost taste it....

Loretta survived twelve days trapped in the root cellar by smelling the garlic on her fingertips.

Why autocomplete is dangerous...

Frank supposed it was very unlikely he would be killed by the enraged cougar, for he had never been killed by one before.

Succeeding the old fashioned way...

Cranfield managed to eke out an existence bottling the sweat of his brow and selling it at swap meets for $2 a 50 ml vial.

Hey what a great idea...!

TechNews - MIT researchers test "Intelligent Environment" that gently proposes new life options based on past behavior, choices, and likes.

Mustard?

Life is a sandwich. That thinner piece is inner peace.

Honest, I swear to god he didn't...

A sabre-toothed cat, parachuting in from an alien civilization, did not just dive through the sliding glass door and disembowel my sofa.

You mean....?!

"Marjorie, it didn't just *belong* to my grandmother, that *is* my grandmother!"

Try again...

Life is a captcha.

It is not!!

I hate to say it, but stuff that doesn't happen is a hell of a lot more interesting than stuff that does.

Sig, Hi!

Winchell told the principal he hadn't intended to make a Nazi salute, that it was just a rogue wave.

Feeling better now?

Walter had set up mood swings in the back yard for the kids.

Or was it muscle and blood...?

SciNews - Illinois elementary school class builds quantum computer out of mud.

So bee it...!!

"The hive is empty, Your Highness, what gives?"/ "I don't know, all I said was ''swarm today'."

That's a big responsibility....

"I don't know," sniffled the abacus, "it's just that...well...people *count* on me."

You'll catch your death...!!

Unreasonably bold leather for late Spring.

Hardy-frickin'-har!

Winona's chuckle was so hearty she was frequently accused of involuntary manslaughter.

Quoth the great Lao Tzu...

To stand without fear before a charging rhino, one must know the length of its power cord.

Big appetite? Quantity discount?

When the waiter arrived, Marty gestured at the menu and asked, "How much for everything?"

Thanks for..euh...sharing that...

Alfred inexplicably insisted that he was wearing film shorts.

Hey, where do you think you're going...?

The pointless arrow of time.

Slides rule!!

Check it out on the slipstick, Sigfried, if you don't believe me.

I can feel it in my vowels...

My legs feel like logs. Did I forget to cross my e's again?

Deadly...

So he turns to N and I and says, "C'mon it's a killer word, it's got 'ass' in it twice! Are you guys in?"

Does the halo go inside or outside the horns?

Each time you walk in leather shoes, a cow angel dies.

Aye, there's the rub...

It's timestamped and geotagged, so we've got the when and where. All we need to know now is, why?

Woke up this mornin', looked 'round for my shoes...

Couldn't find my shoes this morning. Someone was out walking a mile in them before criticizing me.

Ah aint it pitiful...

If you've only got a st-stammer, everything looks like a f-fail.

And they believed it...!

Reuters - American Clown Council passes new series of gag rules.

So it turns out everybody really is a comedian...

Reuters - NIH study shows 3.1% of human genetic material comes from clowns.

Sizzle gently with rage...

Henschel slammed the refrigerator door and flopped his anger-management porkchop into the frying pan.

War moon 'em, England belle-guy!

Valium is always divisive, in part as stress - Julius Caesar

He aint heavy, he's...euh...

Detlef feigned weightlessness each time Miranda passed by, and eventually she got the hint.

Must have got his wires crossed.

Alvin realized with horror that the circuit diagram on his power point slide contained a prominent swastika.

Impressive...!

"This is my big day," Shavowitz informed us, "I'm expecting 30-35 hours, minimum."

Add a scoop of Windex granita for only $2!!

And don't forget to try Chugalug Manor's signature banana-wood smoked armadillo fajitas!

Now rinse and repeat...!!

Benedict was ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation after attempting to shampoo a killer whale.

Still hangin' in there....

The primitive infrared emanations of Maggy's old gas stove remained discernable above the cosmic microwave background.

Oh, I get it...

All is allusion. I think you know what I mean.

They were neck and neck last week...

LexicNews - Study shows XYZ now leading ABC in easiness ranking.

Mixed grill or mixed metaphor?

Genuine mother-of-pearl dental retainers are the cage fights of the misinterpreted. - Humphrey Bogart

Plucky lad!!

As Martin extricated himself from the wreckage, he reckoned that if he hailed another cab, he might still just make his plane.

It's been what, 15 years?

Laurel was a terrible correspondent already while she was alive, so you can imagine how things got afterwards.

What'd'ja put in this, anyway....?

Distastelessness.

Latest this week...

Braking News - Safe following distance increased to 11 car lengths.

The service was a bit chaotic...

"Wait a minute," said God, as the waiter brought him a secong helping of entropy, "I didn't order this."

Easy on the firewater next time!

Duckfeather snorted in his sleep and woke up the whole wikiup.

How the heck are ya?!

I am Lazarus, come from the dead, and I'm really glad to have this opportunity to chat with you.