Bravo, Marty!

Well I declare, looks like Marty's gone and outlived his uselessness!

And then Simifultz says to Porlington....

Benjamin's TwitTheater project never really got off the ground because it's devilishly hard to write a play with 140 characters.

That'll teach 'im....

You wanna make your parents orphans, Jacky, just keep talkin' like that.

G'won, man up!

To chutz, or chutzpah, that is la question.

Goin' where the weather suits my talents....

Norbert had decided to move to Florida, where he hoped to find work reading palms.

That's a good bear....

And what does a polite bear do after he's got something to eat? Does he share a bit in the woods?

Hold it right there!

The commissariat building had a large police frieze above the main entryway.

I has spoken.

You can't know something's impossible until you fail to do it - Bullwinkle

To fold, or not to fold...

Use Mortal Coil™ Playing Cards. There's eternity in every shuffle.

Naught to be done about it...

I always feel dafter after laughter.

George? What is that....?!

Santa Claus. Tentacles. Coincidence?

Just chalk it up to...

Couldn't carelessness.

Hey, ow! What's the idea?!

Step three: sock puppet in nose.

Fair enough...

Two-give me, Father, for I half-sinned.

Readerschnitzel.

Rip pages carefully from spine. Coat both sides w/beaten egg, flip once on breadcrumb plate. Deep fry till golden, place on absorbent paper.

Now let's do some sums!!

"Math is fun!" cried the Number Clown.

Curly, is that you?

Nyuk-nyuk-nyukin' on heaven's door.

G'head, take another shot...

Ringwald had risen to a certain level of authority in the company simply because each time he tried to shoot himself in the foot, he missed.

But no ice please...

We who are about to sigh dilute you.

Oops, another one got away...

In his later years, the Lone Ranger was fond of crying, "Hi-ho silverfish!" as he turned on the bathroom light.

Uh, could you move over just a little...?

When Jeremy walked in it was a total eclipse of the fun.

Mine has shuffle damage...

Looking for a replacement mortal coil for a 1953 model white male.

The wonders of nature...

If it’s a legitimate homicide, the human body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down and prevent death.

Hardy har.

"Well what'd'ya hafta get so scared for?" whined the hallucination, "I'm not even real, ya know."

Uh, we dead now?

The light at the end of the quantum tunnel both was and was not an oncoming train.

Never mind...

Well, he's not very tenacious, but he gives good up.

They got a bang out of it...

Two sub-critical masses of uranium walk into a bar.

No leggies?

"OK listen up, suckers!" barked the octopus as he addressed his armies.

Boo!

I found my niche the other day, hiding behind a filing cabinet under the basement stairs!

Any Latin lovers out there?

I am exactly what I need to be. Well, mutatis mutandis.

Enough already...

Why is our universe so exhaustingly tuned to create the conditions necessary for life?

My Word!

Richard got worried when people at the office started calling him "Microsoft" after his date with Eileen.

Estimated time: 15 minutes.

Don't care? Take our #survey to help understand why.

He did seem a bit fuzzy...

Ginger was beginning to suspect her "boyfriend" might actually be a compression artifact.

Uh-oh...

An inescapable realization ploughed through Benicio's consciousness like a think tank.

Touchy guy!

Ricardo pointed the hairdryer at the jack-o-lantern's head and threatened to blow its candle out if it didn't stop grinning at him like that.

Elephant's Gerald?

Mama, just killed a man / Wrapped my trunk around his head / Shook him lifeless, now he's dead

Unformation....

Halloran gave us his phone number, then explained why that had to be his phone number and how it couldn't be any other way.

We're not just here for fun and games...

Marjory had the baby sitter prepare a 5 minute powerpoint for when she got home, outlining the goals of the evening & how they had been met.

Bad day?

"Because I want to be thrown away," he replied simply, "that is why I'm standing in this garbage can."

Aww, he's starting to fit in....

That winter, Crumple learned that the Hugtops had nicknamed him "Gargles With Neutrons".

I can't change the laws of physics, Jim!!

Former human seeks long term relationship with abstract concept. Laws of physics need not apply.

A wee drop goes a long way...

Ogilvie's Patented Leprechaun Syrup.

A personal best...

And just when I thought I couldn't possibly get any more depressed, I found a way to dig deeper and go beyond my limitations.

Pet peeve?

Three schnauzers bark into a wall. First one says, "Sure we haven't got this backwards?"

Conceited bastard...

You're not the only one who can prevent forest fires, hotshot

Oh my god, it's...

John....John, this is no flash mob!!

Kids nowadays...!

"What do you think would happen if nobody ever did their algebra homework? Do the math!"

Just for a little longer...?

Wicked Bee Heroes.

G'won, git up!

If you need to be comfortable to sleep, you're not really tired.

Take me out to the ball game...

Above the spectators' heads, flocks of baseball bats chased flies through the floodlights over the bleachers.

Well that's that then...

God's peed.