Now this here is called a AK-47...

Reuters - Governments propose training programs in response to increase in injuries from inexperienced criminal gangs.

Ode to a religious fanatic...

with apologies to Bob Dylan

Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Whatever neurons you have in your mind
He’ll hide them from your with his godly shine
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Stay, baby, stay, stay with your god awhile
Until the break of day, lie there prostrate on the tiles
Your fly is open but your crotch is stained
And you’re weirdest thing I’ve ever seen
Stay, baby, stay, stay with your god awhile
Why wait any longer for your life here to end
You can eat your cake and have mine too
Why wait any longer for your heaven above
When it's hovering right over you
Pray, baby, pray, pray unto your big bad god
Stay, baby, stay, stay until the truth's completely dead
I don't wanna see you in the morning light
I wanna be rid of you this very night
Stay, baby, stay, stay until the truth's completely dead

Gentle on my mind...

It's knowing that your window's always open
And your chat is free to talk
That makes me tend to leave my sleeping time
To rise and come and hang out on the couch
And it's knowing I'm not shackled
By the need to look intell'gent
Or to even read what's wrote there on the line
That keeps you in the timeline
Of the river of my bandwidth
Always knowin' you'll go gentle on my mind

It's not thinkin' 'bout the likes and updates
Posted on their Facebooks now that binds me
Or something someone tweeted
'Cause they thought we were friends altho' we ain't
It's just knowing that the world will not be carin'
Or even conscious when I stumble on some Tumblr post and find
That you are streamin' in the background
On the river of my bandwidth
And the whole thing's oh so gentle on my mind

Though the stalkers and the spambots
And the ID thieves and phone bills come between us
And that livid woman crying, that's my mother
'Cause her child's become a zombie
I still might stay up longer lines & wrinkles strain my face
As the summer sun comes peekin' through the blind
But not to where I feel like shuttin' down my application
On that river oh so gentle on my mind

I bring a Cup-a-Soup back from the kitchen
And resume my standard couch potato pose
My beard a scruffy wheat patch
A baseball cap with visor turn'd 'round back
Through banner ads on the iPad
I pretend I hold you to my breast and find
That you've still got my attention
On the river of my bandwidth
Ever pointless ever gentle on my mind

Time for a smoke...

The ashes tried to get back in the mood of being a fire, but it just wasn't happening.

Better have a chat with your clergyman...

Allison's way of loading the dishwasher ran counter to everything Jim had been brought up to respect.

Hand me another one o' those rotten apples...

You should have seen the fruit fly when the department head told them their drosophila project was being cancelled.

Won't have to worry about that one anymore...

Ralph committed suicide for his own well being, as he was considered a threat to himself.

You can always tell...

Monkey seed, monkey dude.

Quark ingested blotters?

Regis had started taking long walks after dinner. He was more than happy to get out of those snark impested quarters for a while.

How 'bout a bacterium in the lower gut?

Wilton had come to accept that he was, at best, a pimple on the butt of the universe.

Jack, I think I see one!

You can recognize the asciatic frelon hornet by its almost total lack of lower back pain.

Turn up the heavy metal!!!

Mandrake's penchant for loud, irrelevant pronouncements had earned him the sobriquet of "Decibel without a Cause".

Old habits die hard...

One cold January morning, Flicke's precious styptic pencil finally became too short to use. Three days later, he was dead.

So if you're not in that category, go away!

The world is divided into 1 type of people.

Rarely we mow along, mow along, mow along...

Larry had a metal man, whose sneeze was vilest woe / For underwired though Larry went, the man's web girdle showed.

Say cheez!!

I can haz witness?

Oh that thing....

I remember it as if it were tomorrow.

Market rate...

Soul for sale to a good home.

OK that one's a keeper...

Better to have tweeted and deleted than never to have tweeted at all.

Been watching too many cop shows...?

Hell, Mary, full of lead, shallow be thy grave.

So wake up & hear the coughing...

You have nothing to live but life itself.

Hey, that was the 4th of July wasn't it...?

Reuters - Odd cigarette lighter found by excavation crew in Cleveland, Ohio last week is radio-isotope dated at 13.7 billion years old.

Hey, I see light at the end of the tunnel...!

Life is discovering whether you were meant to nourish the beast, or to drop out its bung end.

Now that's interment...!

And when I die don't bury me at all, just splatter my brains across the wall.

They wash 'em first, right...?

Henry informed his date that his sport jacket was made from recycled water bottles.

Think I just broke a tooth...

Kevlar burritos ‪#kevlarburritos

Ice with that?

Absinthe makes the brain grow blonder.

That came later...euh...

There was no space for time in the universe before the big bang.

Oh Jules, can't you be more careful...!?

It was the first time Jules had seen a candle with hair, so it was really a shame when he dropped and broke it.

Reload! Reload!

Jerry discovered with horror that the seminar room computer had transformed his bullet points into blanks.

Oof!

Kornflinger reigned with had a hard-ass tone & a heart o' stone.

We don't need no stinking fractions...

Integer multiples of crud.

Why bother, you'll ask me...

Now, there once was a universe of Klunkheads - made of solid beryllium & all slotting into each other - but it only lasted three sad months.

Kind of an eerie feeling...

As Jerry advanced down the dark path through the woods, he had the feeling the tree stooges were watching him.

Clever lad...!

"Hey!" exclaimed Phil as he cracked open his 5th peanut shell, "I think I see a pattern!"

Now that's entertainment...!

The rasterized disaster flies past her eyes.

After all, now....

"Stop it!" screamed Jon, as the children froze. Finally he put the gun down. You can dress them up, but it just doesn't do to take them out.

Bravo, well done!

When she'd finished her saucer of cream, Ginger made one last turn around the plate, as a victory lap.

He really wanted to impress her...

On their first morning at Yellowstone, when Zelda awoke, Keith was nowhere to be found. He was out gathering steam for their breakfast tea.

Cryin' in his beer...

With young folks clamoring for sushi & pizza now, the bratwurst realized, with his corny Oktoberfest image, he'd become his own wurst enemy.

That's him! That's the one!

Eugene had stared death in the face, and would be able to pick him out of a police lineup with no problem.

There she goes...

Harriet dropped so many hints she eventually became lighter than air and floated away.

Look, he's wavin' his little paw...

Wait, I think the gopher's trying to tell us something!

Ya missed a spot over there...

You mis-annoint me, Mr Bond.

Double-0 Dimbulb...

The name's Blond, James Blond, and I'm a secret agent. Oops.

I knew that was gonna happen...

You can always count on probabilities. Well, usually.

It's all over for us, sweetie...

Once ingested, the complex sugars began to break down and cry.

Let's try a Hugo Boss this time...

After 30 rounds Jon had succeeded only in destroying a tuxedo. "Zombies," he spat, "you can dress 'em up, but you still can't take 'em out."

Now that's dedication...

Joshua tripped over the edge of the throw rug, and - always the strict Newtonian - proceeded to fall on the floor.

Do I say something....?

I awoke to find myself being walled into a narrow wax cell by a bee the size of a buffalo.

And the winner is.....

By the time Elias had finished optimizing his code, their team was clocking in at an unprecedented 37 keystrokes per jellyfish!

Ignorance is no excuse....er, excuse me...

Reuters - Rogue triceratops captured in Madrid claims "unaware" of extinct status.

Well....

Do you, chump, take this sorrowful mess to be your awful-headed life?

So that means a week from Wednesday.....

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Let's get our priorities straight here...

Begin by cutting everything you own in half lengthwise with a hacksaw.

Bring appropriate footwear...

Martyr's Club hosting their annual Eggshell Walk, Friday 6-8 pm on Wigglesworth Mall.

Can't ya keep it on a leash or something?

Damn it Daniels, that budgerigar of yours flies in the face of common sense!

Look, that one's tights are on backwards!

The possibilities danced before us like lugnuts. "Shall I toss 'em a coin?" offered Figpants, and we all of us had a fine laugh.

It's true I aint looked there yet...

Luthor ordered an endoscope from a medical supply company, to help him in his search for God.

Tell me, how does that feel?

You're indivisible now, you've got nose egrets to congeal.

Laugh first, ask questions later...

A penguin, a hound dog, and the state of Nebraska walk into a bar. Bartender takes down 3 glasses and asks, "OK, which one's the diabetic?"

You're the one who wanted to be conscious...

I hate having to change my mind every time it soils itself.

Hello, Eric? You'll never guess what's happening...

Do not suffer alone in boredom. Share it with your friends.

Feed me!!

It's as if my soul has a tapeworm.

Police are searching for a...

Tabasco-clad individual.

Oh, do you really think so?

Flattery will get you you know where.

Let's not get discouraged so quickly...

Over 14 months, Roy painstakingly measured the correlation coefficient between himself & everything else. It was zero to 476 decimal places.

You can dress 'em up...

With her gaping maw and razor-clawed paw, Amy was afraid she couldn't take her parents anywhere.