Thursday, December 22, 2011
I aint just whistlin' Dixie.
When society denies you a place, you may begin early to enjoy the wisdom of the dead.
Times like this, family's all a man's got...
Here, let me show you a little trick my grandfather always refused to divulge to me but I finally figured out for myself.
How's the weather up there, Brad?
Stars get big salaries for the same reason that flags are put on poles.
It just might get a little better, in fact.
Chilling with surimi and chloroform at The Stagnant Pool, in Fiddlehead, KY!
Penduler, pendulee?
Why do they call it a pendulum? That "um" at the end makes it seem like they're not really certain. Is that why they keep changing position?
A Gore-Tex Threesome
One of which (guess which) had the honor of being retweeted by Gore-Tex itself!!
To show he was attuned to the lifestyles of his young congregation, the wise Rabbi Kunkle had a kippa sewn from cerebral Gore-Tex.
The blood-brain barrier restricts diffusion of bacteria to the brain while allowing the entry of hormones - a cerebral GoreTex, if you will.
Our hair protects us from cold, wind & moisture while at the same time allowing heat & perspiration to escape - sort of a cerebral GoreTex.
BONUS FEATURE: for readers of this blog only, a FOURTH Gore-Tex tweet!!
Perkell referred to the hood on his anorak as his "cerebral Gore-Tex".
To show he was attuned to the lifestyles of his young congregation, the wise Rabbi Kunkle had a kippa sewn from cerebral Gore-Tex.
The blood-brain barrier restricts diffusion of bacteria to the brain while allowing the entry of hormones - a cerebral GoreTex, if you will.
Our hair protects us from cold, wind & moisture while at the same time allowing heat & perspiration to escape - sort of a cerebral GoreTex.
BONUS FEATURE: for readers of this blog only, a FOURTH Gore-Tex tweet!!
Perkell referred to the hood on his anorak as his "cerebral Gore-Tex".
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
In memory of...whichever one just died.
Now the Kim Jong-eun on the twelfth night
Told the Kim-Il Sung that things weren't right
Dad's complexion he said is much too white
Told the Kim-Il Sung that things weren't right
Dad's complexion he said is much too white
Anything else on?
The 3D digital rendering of the film's characters had an astonishing, why-should-I-care realism to it.
Battens bending
The captain assured the passengers they wouldn't see the likes of such a storm again. There were battens bending, he explained.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Today's neologism. Patents pending.
Psychosophy (n): from the Greek psyche (soul) + sophia (wisdom); wisdom or knowledge intrinsic to the soul rather than the intellect.
Waking up dead
Some days I wake up dead and some days I wake up alive. I've never been able to work out what the pattern of it is.
When I'm dead it's always dark, I'm always inside, and everything's exactly the way I left it. I can set a dish of ice cream on the coffee table and it will still be there the next time, with the spoon still stuck in it ready for the next bite. There are probably windows out there somewhere, but somehow the idea isn't relevant.
When I'm alive it's completely different. Things have been going along without me but just all of a sudden I'm there and I know exactly what I'm supposed to do and I remember everything that happened up until then, even though it's a complete surprise. There's no adjustment period, I just slip right into it. Sometimes I'm right in the middle of a conversation and the next word pops out without a hitch. Or I could be in an airplane, or making love, or falling down the stairs, and then all of a sudden I'm back in the room in the dark.
I'm dead right now. I don't feel like any ice cream so I just stick it in a corner. It will still be there later but it doesn't matter if I put it far enough away. There are magazines under the coffee table but it's too dark to read. There's probably a light switch somewhere but it's not an issue. Even the light in the refrigerator doesn't work. Electricity could be off. There's never any noise unless I make it. I think, what if I started screaming, but I don't feel like screaming. Calm. Very calm. Sometimes you can imagine a train in the distance or a police siren but it can't be real. I can hear myself breathing, hear my heart beating if I'm very still. Even though I'm dead. If I close my eyelids and roll my eyes, there are bright flashes. The only light there is. I pull the blanket around myself, curl up. Try to sleep, would like to sleep, but it never works. There's an oyster fork under the couch. Must have fallen there. I could put it back in the drawer with the others, but there'll always be time for that. What I can do now is this. I'm not writing it. I just think it and it's there. Forever. The words will always be there just the way I left them. Hanging in the air like a layer of alphabet soup. I push them and they spin and tumble. I can hold them in place with toothpicks, or, when they dry, scotch tape. There could be scotch in the liquor cabinet underneath the hutch, but it isn't an issue. Who needs booze when you're dead?
What do you need when you're dead? Not time. There's all the time in the world. But there's no boredom, no impatience, no longing, no fear, no dread, no regrets. Sometimes I think I like death better than life. You're not supposed to cry here. Actually it doesn't work. It sort of just doesn't come up. Like sleep. I think the most important think is to keep it going. Hold it there, keep it all here in the open. Where else does it need to be? Life. Everything moving around, always changing places. Putting things away, throwing things away, organizing things. Why put things away? No one will ever touch them. Leave them where they are. That's not the issue. The important thing is to be here. You don't need to be anywhere else. Everywhere is the same. What matters here is what happens when all that stops.
When I'm dead it's always dark, I'm always inside, and everything's exactly the way I left it. I can set a dish of ice cream on the coffee table and it will still be there the next time, with the spoon still stuck in it ready for the next bite. There are probably windows out there somewhere, but somehow the idea isn't relevant.
When I'm alive it's completely different. Things have been going along without me but just all of a sudden I'm there and I know exactly what I'm supposed to do and I remember everything that happened up until then, even though it's a complete surprise. There's no adjustment period, I just slip right into it. Sometimes I'm right in the middle of a conversation and the next word pops out without a hitch. Or I could be in an airplane, or making love, or falling down the stairs, and then all of a sudden I'm back in the room in the dark.
I'm dead right now. I don't feel like any ice cream so I just stick it in a corner. It will still be there later but it doesn't matter if I put it far enough away. There are magazines under the coffee table but it's too dark to read. There's probably a light switch somewhere but it's not an issue. Even the light in the refrigerator doesn't work. Electricity could be off. There's never any noise unless I make it. I think, what if I started screaming, but I don't feel like screaming. Calm. Very calm. Sometimes you can imagine a train in the distance or a police siren but it can't be real. I can hear myself breathing, hear my heart beating if I'm very still. Even though I'm dead. If I close my eyelids and roll my eyes, there are bright flashes. The only light there is. I pull the blanket around myself, curl up. Try to sleep, would like to sleep, but it never works. There's an oyster fork under the couch. Must have fallen there. I could put it back in the drawer with the others, but there'll always be time for that. What I can do now is this. I'm not writing it. I just think it and it's there. Forever. The words will always be there just the way I left them. Hanging in the air like a layer of alphabet soup. I push them and they spin and tumble. I can hold them in place with toothpicks, or, when they dry, scotch tape. There could be scotch in the liquor cabinet underneath the hutch, but it isn't an issue. Who needs booze when you're dead?
What do you need when you're dead? Not time. There's all the time in the world. But there's no boredom, no impatience, no longing, no fear, no dread, no regrets. Sometimes I think I like death better than life. You're not supposed to cry here. Actually it doesn't work. It sort of just doesn't come up. Like sleep. I think the most important think is to keep it going. Hold it there, keep it all here in the open. Where else does it need to be? Life. Everything moving around, always changing places. Putting things away, throwing things away, organizing things. Why put things away? No one will ever touch them. Leave them where they are. That's not the issue. The important thing is to be here. You don't need to be anywhere else. Everywhere is the same. What matters here is what happens when all that stops.
Hey, you a cowboy?
Azawa zawakin dastritzala redo
Azawa zawakinla Redowan dey
Aïespy dayunkab oyal Dresden waïtlinnen
Al Dresden waïtlinnen azbrydazde dey!
Azawa zawakinla Redowan dey
Aïespy dayunkab oyal Dresden waïtlinnen
Al Dresden waïtlinnen azbrydazde dey!
The book that's its own sequel....
NowWriting - Twitter, Booze, and Bodyfat: The Decay of the Higgs Boson
Oh, stop barking at me!!
The startup with Rick's brother and sister-in-law to transform old stumps into custom furniture was turning into a tree-ring circus.
And scallions for my eyes and my nose...
Like a tofu snowman / Towering high o'er the rice in a soy-splattered kimono
Online shopping tip #756
Feldspar nose rings. Hand carved and inlaid. One size fits all. £14 ea., 2 for £25.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Hey you! Yeah you!
At his job as a convenience store clerk, Nick had taken to keeping a weapon he referred to as a "sod off shotgun".
Haricots again....
"Frijoles!" the black colossus announced joyously as he lofted the steaming plate of beans skyward, "the only thing greater than yourself!!"
From the epic novel, "Beans", tracing the role of the humble flageolet in the development of modern civilization.
From the epic novel, "Beans", tracing the role of the humble flageolet in the development of modern civilization.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Available in Larry, Curly, and more!
Hand-painted ceramic stooge warmers, perfect for that last-minute special someone. Dishwasher & microwave safe. 3 for $5. Imported.
Had to take him to the vet afterwards for a collapsed wavefunction
Schroedinger gave his cat a whack on the head when he caught him thinking outside the box.
We got our reputation to think of....
House rules prohibited selling whisky to anyone unless it was at least 21 years old.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I smell a rat...wait no it's a dog!
Pookie smelled foul weather as the K9 Corps began to debark onto the beaches of Arômates.
Really?
That morning at reveille, the reviled Reeves revelled in the revelation of what their revolving rivalry had revealed.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
If ya catch my drift....
Kent gave up chasing the ducks across the calcareous rock deposits of the lake because it was tufa canard.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
OriginOfNames #279
OriginOfNames - Instant coffee inventor Jason Sanborn added hot water to his latest concoction, took a sip, and instantly started coughing.
The word was wont. Wasn't it?
To buy or not to buy, that is the question/Content with mine but tempted by the shimmer of newfangled gizmos, although I want one, wont won.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A saucy wench....
Alessandra stared at him like a freeze-dried manatee. Had this man no Worcestershire?
Always worked before...
During the match, Walt poured boiling water into his TV set to make instant replay.
Friday, December 9, 2011
The nerve!
A kornfluger whimpled in off the balcony, skrinking and shaffing, onomotized that his favorite burflip had been glozzed.
I come to seize Mayberry, not praise it!
Obsequiousness is the lobster bib of the skinflint. - Andy Griffith
The origin of faces...
When Wilfred learned that mountains were the result of plate tectonics, he wondered if this was also how the nose arose.
Over time, eyes evolved, because people kept bumping into stuff.
Over time, eyes evolved, because people kept bumping into stuff.
That's usin' your head!
To make sure his family could collect on the insurance, Jeff planned to shoot himself in the head twice, so it wouldn't look like a suicide.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Sooner or Lederhosen
NowReading: Sooner or Lederhosen - Fun in Leather Breeches, by Hartmut Pränkster.
Don't let it go to your head.
Once he'd applied the formula to his scalp Stan's hair grew so fast that his head imploded from the recoil.
Can't you follow instructions?!
Oh yes, you've definitely nailed it, but it was *pimp* roll we were working on there, not *chimp* roll!
Hey, you're wear-it is spilling!
"Did you put the beer in the cooler and the hamburgers on the grill like I asked you?"
"Oh, the spirit is chilling, but the flesh is steak."
"Oh, the spirit is chilling, but the flesh is steak."
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Hey Jude Cover #4329
Hedge udon may kit bag, tickets hats on, gamay kit batter.
Rim ember, tool ladder undo Erskine, Danube he grin, tomb a kit bed her.
Rim ember, tool ladder undo Erskine, Danube he grin, tomb a kit bed her.
Did somebody just go "ho ho ho"?
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Forgotten Password, I shall fear no man.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Algerian remake of To Have and Have Not
You know how to ululate, don't you, Steve? You just put your vocal chords together, and hoot.
I think there's still some candied yams in the back of the fridge...
Thanksgivings used to be more elaborate. Since Mom passed away, all we've been serving is leftovers from her last one.
Hey Rev, do Melancholy Baby again!
The reverend's didgeridoo was as commodious as it was melodious. #lqw
Bygones be bygones?
I realized then that I should thank him, and I vowed that I would, the instant before his head rolled across the floor.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The wrest is history....
On this day 850 years go, the young Genghis Khan was arrested in Central Asia for hoarding mongols.
Wreck the halls in bouts of folly
Wreck the halls in bouts of folly, tra la la la la, la la la la
Who needs reasons to be jolly?, tra la la la la, la la la la
Drink we beer right from the barrel, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Act retarded like Will Ferrell, tra la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing fools we are, us, tra la la la la, la la la la
In our attics, it's ToysRUs, tra la la la la, la la la la
Slash and burn things just for pleasure, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Oh, the joys of Yuletide leisure, tra la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the old year passes, tra la la la la, la la la la
Time to go and kick some asses, tra la la la la, la la la la
Fling we boyish, trash and feathers, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Let's all go to hell together, tra la la la la, la la la laaaa!
Who needs reasons to be jolly?, tra la la la la, la la la la
Drink we beer right from the barrel, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Act retarded like Will Ferrell, tra la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing fools we are, us, tra la la la la, la la la la
In our attics, it's ToysRUs, tra la la la la, la la la la
Slash and burn things just for pleasure, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Oh, the joys of Yuletide leisure, tra la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the old year passes, tra la la la la, la la la la
Time to go and kick some asses, tra la la la la, la la la la
Fling we boyish, trash and feathers, tra la la, la la la, la la la
Let's all go to hell together, tra la la la la, la la la laaaa!
Oh right, sorry!
What are you doing here?! I said prison, not person. I want to see you in *prison*.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Have you seen this cat?
"What I can tell you," said Schroedinger's Cat, "with all the attention I've been getting lately, it's great to feel wanted, dead or alive!"
Green's Leaves?
I lost my glove, your toupée rang
To catch me offshore this courgette's leap
Four-eyes half loaf, juice oulong
Reach hoisin injured cup o'tea.
To catch me offshore this courgette's leap
Four-eyes half loaf, juice oulong
Reach hoisin injured cup o'tea.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Hat's off to the sun. Got sunscreen? Got hair?
The tireless sun
In its orbit on high
From dawn until sunset
Traces pi in the sky.
In its orbit on high
From dawn until sunset
Traces pi in the sky.
NOW do you get it?!
The humor of his response was hidden like the numeral in a color blindness test.
Behind the mask lurks a great intellect....
Doggie bags are the interpersonal relationships of the dumbfounded. - Zorro
Get that phone out of your mouth!
When I was a kid we played Mumbledy Peg. Today kids play Mobildy Vice.
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