Something missing here...

One man's doorknob is another man's empty doorknob-shaped space.

Oh, what a tangled mess we leave...

All the dental floss Winifred had used in her life suddenly came back to haunt her and there was not a god damn thing she could do about it.

Guess I could snug up those screws...

Is your toilet well secured to the floor? What if a giraffe stood on it to change a light bulb, fell & broke her neck? You'd be responsible.

Right away, thir!!

Humphrey, can you gallop down to the Safeway and pickup some oyster crackers?

Burp....

She's gone, but I don't worry/ I'm sittin' on top of the food chain.

My third grade teacher Miss Harvey was also instrumental....

I'd like to take this moment to curse my parents, without whose selfishness and indifference I might have gone on to win an award some day.

That light really go out when you close it?

"Where the sun never shines? Oh, Jack just means the refrigerator!"

You sure you wrote this?

It was clear the work was not original, for the page was covered with dragon droppings.

Feeling better already...!

Humor is a drunken hyena, and laughter is the messed bed it's in.

You bought what?

Have just purchased a dozen madamutsch.

Eat smart!

CannibalismToday: Study suggests intelligent people are more nourishing.

I hadn't noticed...

Influencing the world through irrelevance.

Aye, get to work...!

Nose, meet grindstone.

Pray for sauce...

Crucifix pasta.

Some new Yesterday covers...

Fingernails
Weaving handkerchiefs for garden snails
Slightly larger ones for alpha males
Oh I believe in fingernails
------------
Porcupines
Have been holding up our five and dimes
Stealing Nyquil for their happy times
Oh I believe in porcupines
------------
Buggerdom
Aunt Jemima in an aqualung
Blowing kisses wrapped in bubble gum
Oh I believe in buggerdom

Oh my god, Ralph, I don't want to lose you!!

"Alright I'll tell you," Ralph said finally to Hester, "the doctor says I have old age, and I'll only have 20, maybe 30 more years to live."

Caution: do not drop pins after opening...

In the raucous hubbub of the marketplace, Derek set up a stand selling little packages marked "Wrapped Silence".

Superboid...

No no, vision, not pigeon. He's got X-ray vision.

Oops, sorry again...!

King Waldorf had no rhythm, and much to the dismay of his subjects, made the court musicians use a chaotic metronome at all royal functions.

You there, what's that little bulge in your pocket?!

When prisoners had finished their sentences, they were required to give back any punctuation they'd used in constructing them.

You know you've just been screwed when...

Once Jack had signed the contract, the representative snatched it in the air and ululated as if brandishing a bloodied bedsheet.

You're sentencing me to *what*?!

Blind? No, it's worse than that. Justice is blond.

Voilà!!

Jorge was the first to draw blood. He always kept his red crayon on top of the stack.

Swim for your lives...!

I was just washed away by all the outpourings of kindness that never crossed anyone's mind.

Oh well, too late...

Apologies for cross-postings. Please waste your time reading this only if it concerns you.

A pregnant moment...

They watched in rapt silence, as if waiting for a dog to finish its business.

Say what?

Jethro felt like nobody was talking to him anymore, but the doctor told him he was suffering from ear elephants.

I was just watchin' him and all of a sudden boom...

Mirror neuron on the wall, which one of us pulled the trigger, y'all?

Blueberry blues...

It's pie, Marty, and I'll cry if I want to.

Har-de-har!!

SciTechNews - Latest satellite data prove universe evolved to present form by Comic Natural Selection.

Sir, number 3 has been acting irrationally lately...

SciNews - Teenage Chicago math whiz proves pi is actually an integer.

What a blast!!

"Pimp my blimp!" parroted Field Marshall Hindenburg lugubriously.

Fingernails

Fingernails
All the outlaws looked like Josey Wales
Now their tans are pale as India Ales
Oh I believe, in fingernails

Pardon me
I've got pasta sauce all over me
Maybe someone else could go for me?
Tomato paste, is slippery

Why she's blowing her nose on her clothes, I couldn't say
She said something's wrong, they're too long, my fingernails

Fingernails
Disney characters on monorails
To be comfortable must curb their tails
Oh, I believe in fingernails

Why she's blowing her nose on her clothes, I couldn't say
She said something's wrong, they're too long, my fingernails

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmm Mmm Mm Mm

In an hour, sunflower...

Seal ate her alligator,
In a vile, crooked aisle.

This Justin.....

Star craving mad.

Ha ha fooled ya, we're really chlorine!!

Oxygen masquerade.

What...is...that thing...?

"We'll build termite mounds right into the fabric of spacetime itself!" proposed the leprechaun maliciously.

Pasta fazool anyone?

After the 3rd time he got hit in the eye with a pizza, Rico decided that, amore or no amore, he was going to keep his head down from now on.

And what but the hand of god...?

GalaxyNews - Scientist discover handle labelled "Flush" at center of Milky Way.

Smack!

Drop the hick accent and kiss me, Beltloop!

It belonged to your grandfather...

This is your pudding fork, Ellsworth, use it wisely.

What's that, about a centimeter, no?

It was finally a rather lackluster imprecation that he gave, sort of a half-inchallah, if you will.

Now how'd he do that?

Somewhere in a parallel universe there's someone exactly like you but who's doing a much better job of it.

It's spiral sliced!!

Am having a bacon, lettuce, and tornado sandwich.

Chalk Figures on the Floor

On a day like today
Forensics passed our way
Drawing chalk figures on the floor

How you laughed when I cried
I took your life, then I died
Now we’re chalk figures on the floor

You made a vow that you would ever be true
But somehow that vow meant nothing to you

Now our broken hearts fade
With every step that's made
Over chalk figures on the floor

How our broken hearts fade
With every step that's made
Over chalk figures on the floor

Don't make me do it, kid...

Tod flicked his cigarette away & cocked the hammer back with his thumb. "I'm tellin' ya for the last time, Tommy," he said, "eat your peas."

Well lemme see now...

Those who have fulfilled their duty are appreciated, while those who have not are condemned. Please experience the case that applies to you.

Yo, bro!

Reuters - Universal court decrees that everything must rhyme/ Violators prosecuted, folks be doin' time!

On the other hand...

Two conflicting realities assemble themselves within me. One, by its gravity, prevails; the other shuffles off, perchance to Buffalo?

Hygiene of dreamy...

Found a Boltzmann brain in a jar of marmalade. He said grant me three wishes or I'll pull you in here with me.

Hey! Over here!

The fact is there are a lot of straws out there who wouldn't mind at all being grasped at once in a while.

Always has been for me....

God a light?