How low cost, this holocaust?

P'tooie.

Arrrhhh!!

When Captain Crochepatte instated the "shake your booty" ritual after the end of each successful pirate raid, the crewmen's minds turned to mutiny.

Tell us it aint true, teach!

Mr. Goober's class of 2nd grade salteds listened in horror as he described peanut butter. "That's it in a nut's hell," he concluded grimly.

A day in the life...

He retched his mind out in a dream/ It didn't matter that the lights were on

Mary Poppins on acid....

Stupid camphor agile sixpack expert halitosis
Heap o'zozo rounded pizza soapy kite brioches
Sip a singer long enough inchallah hajj osmosis
Stupid camphor agile sixpack expert halitosis!!!!
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye

Troopers qualified your lipstick sexy and audacious
Even though your cranium is vacant and quite spacious
When you tart your carcass up the outcome is sebacious
Troopers qualified your lipstick sexy and audacious
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye
Bum wiggle wiggle wiggle thumb in th' eye

They called them cat spanners....

At construction sites, before weights and measures were standardized, the foreman carried a cat into each room to verify it could be swung.

In Pompei, one can still see claw marks on some of the walls, at about hip level.

Marzipan, anyone?

The Mandelbrot Set is the most narcissistic 2-dimensional form I can think of. Everything me, me, me.

You better believe it...

Remember "Let's run it up the flagpole & see if anyone salutes it"? Now it's "Let's stick it in the timeline and see if anyone retweets it."

Honest, injun.

It's all Creek to me, said the Arapaho.

Him again....

I awoke to find a ghoul perched on the foot of my bed,pulling handfuls of kapok from the mattress&stuffing them into his mouth as he chewed.

From the humblest beginnings...the greatest of mice!

Mickey's parents had been killed in the savage Bordada Mice Cull of 1889.

Heavens, we're sinking!

Fluctuat nec Murgatroyd.

Social networks bring like-minded people together

Let's hear it for whatever!

Some existential meanderings....

I am what makes this universe different from all universes that don't contain me.

Before existing, ask yourself this: Are you kind? Are you necessary? Do you improve upon your absence?

All those who don't improve upon their absence, take a step backward.

If you can't improve upon your absence, at least improve upon your abs!

Aint it the truth?

That's the trouble with enormous wind instruments, it's didgeridoo and didgeridon't.

And other fun facts....

Early Celtic cultures never developed a unified religious practice because their Druids were immiscible.

Homage to Walt Twitman...

I tweet the body electric.

Yustalaff & Callum-Names

Now reading: Reindeer Games - A Tail of Intrigue in the Frozen North, by Peter Yustalaff and Cynthia Callum-Names

Now, where did I leave the RFID scanner?

Martin had his mind fitted with an RFID tag, so he could find it again in case he lost it.

My fave pick of the year!

In France, no one can hear you swear.

Not too hot, not too cold....

Jeremy's frontal cortex was a Goldilocks zone for screwball ideas.

Think anybody noticed?

Just changed my domain name from blogspot to bogsplot.

Reductio ad absurdumb?

Reuters - God finally admits that he doesn't exist.

A draining experience no doubt....

Ellen always hated finding bugs in the house, but the line of processionary caterpillars in the bathtub gave her pest chains.

An incisive remark.

It doesn't auger well for our marriage that my wife just called me a boring tool. #lqw

Something to crow about...

As Chesley mowed the lawn, the crows on the power line above him doubled the aggregate intelligence in his yard.

Kris Kringle Airlines

The gift packages listened in wrapped attention as Santa outlined the flight plan.

Open wide!

In an effort to drum up new business, Jack's dentist had started offering free cavity searches.

Bunch o' slackers!

Roger refused when the doctor told him to drop his trousers. "Nobody every picks up the slack for me around here," he explained.

High heel Christmas carol

Ankles we have heels too high
Wobbling on despite the pain
Our bone structure doth reply
Threatening a nasty sprain
Glo-oria in excelsis Deo

Side order of goulash with that?

It's all Finno-Ugric to me.

I figured we needed a word for it...

Scatoventilopercution?
Skatoanemistiraschtypitos?

Does she or doesn't he?

As Walter started making his batch of she-crab soup, it finally dawned on him why the fishmonger kept telling him "You've got mail!"

Another vacation highlight...

Scarfing egret and arugula wraps at The Slumb'ring Narwhal in Surimi, Gibraltar!

Tough work but somebody's got to do it...

And thereupon armed crusaders set forth to crush the tawdry legions of flawed religions.

Browser tab anyone?

Ralph clicked in the wrong place and ended up putting a bat in his trousers.

Talk about pigheaded....

Ridley worked for something called the National Pork Service, and had the headgear to prove it.

Exposed underwear phenomenon...

Am saddened that because of my birthdate I completely missed out on this pants halfway down the butt fashion.

Have been wondering, after the fact, about dressing left or right with this new fashion trend. I mean, with the bifurcation so much lower, it could be a bit of challenge, no?

Lying down on the job....

ScienceNews - Superiority of twin beds debunked.

We are all Nazca boobies.

I read it in a magazine. Nazca Booby Wikipedia Page

Never say never....

A lot of people say they could never commit murder, but it's just a matter of finding the right person.

How about a date?

Reduce your Carbon-14 footprint: drop dead.

Name your poison?

You've got to dose it with the right chemicals, or else consciousness isn't worth the neural matrix it's defined upon.

There were no survivors....

Without warning, the fruit borscht brute forced its way into Linda's garment bag.

Today's feijoada recipe

Ingredients:

10 kg each of fresh, dried, smoked, jerked, and pickled beef
10 kg each of fresh, dried, smoked, jerked, and pickled pork
10 kg each of fresh, dried, and smoked pork sausage
10 kg each of fresh, dried, and smoked pork ribs
a red herring (in season)
600 kg of black beans
large duffle bag filled with: brown sugar, thyme, oregano, cayenne pepper, bay leaves, salt, black pepper, cloves, cinnamon, fresh ginger, and chopped Serrano chiles

Throw ingredients into the back of a clean, well-sealed Toyota pickup truck and fill with orange juice. Let sit in a cool, dry garage, taking truck out for a spin every day or so to mix flavors. After two weeks, set garage on fire, continuing to add wood as needed to keep low flame for at least 72 hours. Tires may be removed if desired to limit smoking. Extinguish flames and cover mixture with half-inch layer of manioc flour.

Serve with orange wedges and individual entrenching tools. Feeds Brazil.

One more good reason...

You pick your feet in Poughkeepsie, the girl dies.

Run that by me again?

There'd been a glaring misstep in the first number, but Rich declined to repeat it in order to avoid re-done dance.

Misquoted quotes installment no. 3567

Mr. Gorbachev, kneel down this tall. *holds hand waist high*

You never know....

The waitress showed up with a turkey baster and a plastic tub on a tray. "Would you like a little less coffee, sir?" she demanded.

Claims to be evaluated on merit now...

Reuters - Meek advised to "man up" as Earth inheritance called into doubt.

Snow what I mean?

It's not the snowing, it's knowing that it's snowing.

What's the angle on this one?

The warrior fell aslant from the force of the blow and proceeded to die agonally. #lqw

Return of Bodzilla!!

Don't let the ill-boders get you down.

Going to Montana soon, going to be a kopi luwak tycoon

Have just scotch-taped a weasel to my coffee grinder.

Put that in your 140 character box and tweet it!

My country isn't the sweet land o'puberty toothy icing/Land where my fathers buy LandRovers toddlerized to every punkin pie let boredom ring

War of the bots....

Reuters - Pentagon confirms American cleric killed in Yemen drone strike was a robot.

RIP Steve Jobs

Microsoft's corporate flag is flying at half-assed today.

Off for a snack...

I couldn't think of anything to tweet, and then I realized I'd been neglecting the "Garbage in" part of the old dictum.

Waiter there's a goldilocks zone in my chiffonier!

Have just discovered 3000 exoplanets in my sock drawer.

Can't win 'em all....

There were a multitude of parallel universes in which Duncan had made better choices, while nonetheless remaining a chump.

On the level....

The degenerate quantum states looked into the vacuum of each other's eyes and said, "Do you want to make a deal?"