Eureka!!

Isaac nudged the apple away sleepily, vowing to think about it later, when all of a sudden he sat up and cried, "Hey, why weight?!"

C'mon lighten up...

Please put anything in the toilet bowl. It doesn't matter.

Little extra room over here....

Sensing potentially leaner times ahead, Oliver began stockpiling lipids about his midsection.

Something missing here...

One man's doorknob is another man's empty doorknob-shaped space.

Oh, what a tangled mess we leave...

All the dental floss Winifred had used in her life suddenly came back to haunt her and there was not a god damn thing she could do about it.

Guess I could snug up those screws...

Is your toilet well secured to the floor? What if a giraffe stood on it to change a light bulb, fell & broke her neck? You'd be responsible.

Right away, thir!!

Humphrey, can you gallop down to the Safeway and pickup some oyster crackers?

Burp....

She's gone, but I don't worry/ I'm sittin' on top of the food chain.

My third grade teacher Miss Harvey was also instrumental....

I'd like to take this moment to curse my parents, without whose selfishness and indifference I might have gone on to win an award some day.

That light really go out when you close it?

"Where the sun never shines? Oh, Jack just means the refrigerator!"

You sure you wrote this?

It was clear the work was not original, for the page was covered with dragon droppings.

Feeling better already...!

Humor is a drunken hyena, and laughter is the messed bed it's in.

You bought what?

Have just purchased a dozen madamutsch.

Eat smart!

CannibalismToday: Study suggests intelligent people are more nourishing.

I hadn't noticed...

Influencing the world through irrelevance.

Aye, get to work...!

Nose, meet grindstone.

Pray for sauce...

Crucifix pasta.

Some new Yesterday covers...

Fingernails
Weaving handkerchiefs for garden snails
Slightly larger ones for alpha males
Oh I believe in fingernails
------------
Porcupines
Have been holding up our five and dimes
Stealing Nyquil for their happy times
Oh I believe in porcupines
------------
Buggerdom
Aunt Jemima in an aqualung
Blowing kisses wrapped in bubble gum
Oh I believe in buggerdom

Oh my god, Ralph, I don't want to lose you!!

"Alright I'll tell you," Ralph said finally to Hester, "the doctor says I have old age, and I'll only have 20, maybe 30 more years to live."

Caution: do not drop pins after opening...

In the raucous hubbub of the marketplace, Derek set up a stand selling little packages marked "Wrapped Silence".

Superboid...

No no, vision, not pigeon. He's got X-ray vision.

Oops, sorry again...!

King Waldorf had no rhythm, and much to the dismay of his subjects, made the court musicians use a chaotic metronome at all royal functions.

You there, what's that little bulge in your pocket?!

When prisoners had finished their sentences, they were required to give back any punctuation they'd used in constructing them.

You know you've just been screwed when...

Once Jack had signed the contract, the representative snatched it in the air and ululated as if brandishing a bloodied bedsheet.

You're sentencing me to *what*?!

Blind? No, it's worse than that. Justice is blond.

Voilà!!

Jorge was the first to draw blood. He always kept his red crayon on top of the stack.

Swim for your lives...!

I was just washed away by all the outpourings of kindness that never crossed anyone's mind.

Oh well, too late...

Apologies for cross-postings. Please waste your time reading this only if it concerns you.

A pregnant moment...

They watched in rapt silence, as if waiting for a dog to finish its business.

Say what?

Jethro felt like nobody was talking to him anymore, but the doctor told him he was suffering from ear elephants.

I was just watchin' him and all of a sudden boom...

Mirror neuron on the wall, which one of us pulled the trigger, y'all?

Blueberry blues...

It's pie, Marty, and I'll cry if I want to.

Har-de-har!!

SciTechNews - Latest satellite data prove universe evolved to present form by Comic Natural Selection.

Sir, number 3 has been acting irrationally lately...

SciNews - Teenage Chicago math whiz proves pi is actually an integer.

What a blast!!

"Pimp my blimp!" parroted Field Marshall Hindenburg lugubriously.

Fingernails

Fingernails
All the outlaws looked like Josey Wales
Now their tans are pale as India Ales
Oh I believe, in fingernails

Pardon me
I've got pasta sauce all over me
Maybe someone else could go for me?
Tomato paste, is slippery

Why she's blowing her nose on her clothes, I couldn't say
She said something's wrong, they're too long, my fingernails

Fingernails
Disney characters on monorails
To be comfortable must curb their tails
Oh, I believe in fingernails

Why she's blowing her nose on her clothes, I couldn't say
She said something's wrong, they're too long, my fingernails

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmm Mmm Mm Mm

In an hour, sunflower...

Seal ate her alligator,
In a vile, crooked aisle.

This Justin.....

Star craving mad.

Ha ha fooled ya, we're really chlorine!!

Oxygen masquerade.

What...is...that thing...?

"We'll build termite mounds right into the fabric of spacetime itself!" proposed the leprechaun maliciously.

Pasta fazool anyone?

After the 3rd time he got hit in the eye with a pizza, Rico decided that, amore or no amore, he was going to keep his head down from now on.

And what but the hand of god...?

GalaxyNews - Scientist discover handle labelled "Flush" at center of Milky Way.

Smack!

Drop the hick accent and kiss me, Beltloop!

It belonged to your grandfather...

This is your pudding fork, Ellsworth, use it wisely.

What's that, about a centimeter, no?

It was finally a rather lackluster imprecation that he gave, sort of a half-inchallah, if you will.

Now how'd he do that?

Somewhere in a parallel universe there's someone exactly like you but who's doing a much better job of it.

It's spiral sliced!!

Am having a bacon, lettuce, and tornado sandwich.

Chalk Figures on the Floor

On a day like today
Forensics passed our way
Drawing chalk figures on the floor

How you laughed when I cried
I took your life, then I died
Now we’re chalk figures on the floor

You made a vow that you would ever be true
But somehow that vow meant nothing to you

Now our broken hearts fade
With every step that's made
Over chalk figures on the floor

How our broken hearts fade
With every step that's made
Over chalk figures on the floor

Don't make me do it, kid...

Tod flicked his cigarette away & cocked the hammer back with his thumb. "I'm tellin' ya for the last time, Tommy," he said, "eat your peas."

Well lemme see now...

Those who have fulfilled their duty are appreciated, while those who have not are condemned. Please experience the case that applies to you.

Yo, bro!

Reuters - Universal court decrees that everything must rhyme/ Violators prosecuted, folks be doin' time!

On the other hand...

Two conflicting realities assemble themselves within me. One, by its gravity, prevails; the other shuffles off, perchance to Buffalo?

Hygiene of dreamy...

Found a Boltzmann brain in a jar of marmalade. He said grant me three wishes or I'll pull you in here with me.

Hey! Over here!

The fact is there are a lot of straws out there who wouldn't mind at all being grasped at once in a while.

Always has been for me....

God a light?

Aint broke, don't fix...

Although his hair had receded dramatically, Jacques still wore a ponytail, and had renewed the gob of epoxy holding his wire-rims together.

Let lying dogs sleep!

"Well of course we're still in Kansas, Toto, now go back to sleep, it was just a bad dream."

Run that by me again...?

SciTechNews - Technology guru Lerome Janier predicts future human communication will be digital, via Morse-code eye-blinks.

What're...chitlins...?

Populate your word cloud with a Dixie melody.

What's he mean by that....?

Cabbage is nine-tenths of the slaw - Paul Bocuse

Get a life, guys...

Bumble beings.

Get 'em while they're not...

Full grown elephants no larger than a quarter.

You can keep your hat on...

"I'm not naked," Rhonda explained to the congregation, "these are my intelligent designer clothes."

Catastrophe at Disneyland!!

There was so much magic in the air that everyone suffocated and died.

Make him say it again!!

Little Chucky wasn't good for much, but he did the most faithful rendition of "thuffrin' thuccotash" any Strudelslinger had ever heard!

Come back, they forgot the anchovies...!!

TechBizNews - Boston startup to deliver pizza using unmanned drones.

I am Coriolis, come from the dead...

PlanetNews - Earth's rotation will be shut down for maintenance today from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Residents are advised to remain indoors.

You sure you read that recipe right...?

Benjamin tossed the spoon in the sink and shook his head. "I think we're going to have to outsauce," he concluded.

I don't wanna be cleaning up after her...

Ripley would never accept a new love into his life without first making sure she was heartbroken.

There he is with that gol dang ring o' truth o' his....again!

Gradually the populace understood that Wordfondler couldn't be trusted to lie to them.

Hand me that flashlight, Elroy...

SciTechNews - Sky Survey team has identified sentient beings made of dark matter, but they are not very bright.

Anybody seen Elvis lately?

Before he knew it, William's investment had ended up costing him a chunk o' chunk o' burnin' change.

Alice? Can you bring me the Halliday and Resnick please?

"Avogadro's number, please," requested the operator.

Please hold...

For security purposes we have decided to be a pain in the ass.

In a roundabout way....

To say that pi is a never ending fraction is circular logic - Isosceles

In the Vienna sausage interpretation...

The mathematical construct for introducing a miniature hot dog into an existing quantum mechanical system is known as Furterbation Theory.

Little sauce on that?

FunFacts - World's smallest spaghetti noodle is only 4.1 Angstroms long.

I could almost taste it....

Loretta survived twelve days trapped in the root cellar by smelling the garlic on her fingertips.

Why autocomplete is dangerous...

Frank supposed it was very unlikely he would be killed by the enraged cougar, for he had never been killed by one before.

Succeeding the old fashioned way...

Cranfield managed to eke out an existence bottling the sweat of his brow and selling it at swap meets for $2 a 50 ml vial.

Hey what a great idea...!

TechNews - MIT researchers test "Intelligent Environment" that gently proposes new life options based on past behavior, choices, and likes.

Mustard?

Life is a sandwich. That thinner piece is inner peace.

Honest, I swear to god he didn't...

A sabre-toothed cat, parachuting in from an alien civilization, did not just dive through the sliding glass door and disembowel my sofa.

You mean....?!

"Marjorie, it didn't just *belong* to my grandmother, that *is* my grandmother!"

Try again...

Life is a captcha.

It is not!!

I hate to say it, but stuff that doesn't happen is a hell of a lot more interesting than stuff that does.

Sig, Hi!

Winchell told the principal he hadn't intended to make a Nazi salute, that it was just a rogue wave.

Feeling better now?

Walter had set up mood swings in the back yard for the kids.

Or was it muscle and blood...?

SciNews - Illinois elementary school class builds quantum computer out of mud.

So bee it...!!

"The hive is empty, Your Highness, what gives?"/ "I don't know, all I said was ''swarm today'."

That's a big responsibility....

"I don't know," sniffled the abacus, "it's just that...well...people *count* on me."

You'll catch your death...!!

Unreasonably bold leather for late Spring.

Hardy-frickin'-har!

Winona's chuckle was so hearty she was frequently accused of involuntary manslaughter.

Quoth the great Lao Tzu...

To stand without fear before a charging rhino, one must know the length of its power cord.

Big appetite? Quantity discount?

When the waiter arrived, Marty gestured at the menu and asked, "How much for everything?"

Thanks for..euh...sharing that...

Alfred inexplicably insisted that he was wearing film shorts.

Hey, where do you think you're going...?

The pointless arrow of time.

Slides rule!!

Check it out on the slipstick, Sigfried, if you don't believe me.

I can feel it in my vowels...

My legs feel like logs. Did I forget to cross my e's again?

Deadly...

So he turns to N and I and says, "C'mon it's a killer word, it's got 'ass' in it twice! Are you guys in?"