Does the halo go inside or outside the horns?

Each time you walk in leather shoes, a cow angel dies.

Aye, there's the rub...

It's timestamped and geotagged, so we've got the when and where. All we need to know now is, why?

Woke up this mornin', looked 'round for my shoes...

Couldn't find my shoes this morning. Someone was out walking a mile in them before criticizing me.

Ah aint it pitiful...

If you've only got a st-stammer, everything looks like a f-fail.

And they believed it...!

Reuters - American Clown Council passes new series of gag rules.

So it turns out everybody really is a comedian...

Reuters - NIH study shows 3.1% of human genetic material comes from clowns.

Sizzle gently with rage...

Henschel slammed the refrigerator door and flopped his anger-management porkchop into the frying pan.

War moon 'em, England belle-guy!

Valium is always divisive, in part as stress - Julius Caesar

He aint heavy, he's...euh...

Detlef feigned weightlessness each time Miranda passed by, and eventually she got the hint.

Must have got his wires crossed.

Alvin realized with horror that the circuit diagram on his power point slide contained a prominent swastika.

Impressive...!

"This is my big day," Shavowitz informed us, "I'm expecting 30-35 hours, minimum."

Add a scoop of Windex granita for only $2!!

And don't forget to try Chugalug Manor's signature banana-wood smoked armadillo fajitas!

Now rinse and repeat...!!

Benedict was ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation after attempting to shampoo a killer whale.

Still hangin' in there....

The primitive infrared emanations of Maggy's old gas stove remained discernable above the cosmic microwave background.

Oh, I get it...

All is allusion. I think you know what I mean.

They were neck and neck last week...

LexicNews - Study shows XYZ now leading ABC in easiness ranking.

Mixed grill or mixed metaphor?

Genuine mother-of-pearl dental retainers are the cage fights of the misinterpreted. - Humphrey Bogart

Plucky lad!!

As Martin extricated himself from the wreckage, he reckoned that if he hailed another cab, he might still just make his plane.

It's been what, 15 years?

Laurel was a terrible correspondent already while she was alive, so you can imagine how things got afterwards.

What'd'ja put in this, anyway....?

Distastelessness.

Latest this week...

Braking News - Safe following distance increased to 11 car lengths.

The service was a bit chaotic...

"Wait a minute," said God, as the waiter brought him a secong helping of entropy, "I didn't order this."

Easy on the firewater next time!

Duckfeather snorted in his sleep and woke up the whole wikiup.

How the heck are ya?!

I am Lazarus, come from the dead, and I'm really glad to have this opportunity to chat with you.

Do your own dirty work!!

MathNews: Sinusoids to strike, "throw off yoke of Fourier transform",  refuse "to represent anything & everything" at whim of Coefficients.

Weasel poo for you too, sir?

Buford didn't take any chances. He always had his coffee's genome sequenced before he drank it.

You never know...

Sharon Dipity, please stop by the customer service desk. It just might end up changing your whole life.

Sweet!!

Never make a latte with the milk of human kindness - Baristotle

Head 'em up?

Whether 'tis straighter in the saddle to suffer the slings 'n arrows 'n keep that carcass movin', or to take arms against a slew o'troubles, 'n by opposin', rawhide!

Put that back!

Benson got fired from his job at the foie-gras factory for his too-literal interpretation of "enjoy it while you can".

Smile!

BusinessNews - Weber Inc. branches out into hip-hop market with enameled stainless grills.

No probs!

"Oops," he said, stooping to wipe up the mess, "mea kulfi!"

Head 'em up, move 'em out...again...and again...

Keep that carcass movin', rawhide!

Try harder...

Terkel was fine as spur of the moment, but he never made flavor of the month.

What's he trying to tell us...?

Finally we understood that Bernard was doing a figure-8 waggle dance

Dat aint workin'!

Jeff accused Alan of producing a seminal work.

A real mankiller...

There were no survive hers.

Keep it down, eh?

One man's signal is another man's noise.

Hopscotch your way through life...

Today is the last day of an appropriately reordered version of your life.

Automatic or stick...?

PeopleNews - New York socialite Ventimiglia Carcasse de Dinde surprised in tryst with unleavened Maserati.

Now, he was truly a lone...

Shadows danced over the the trusty Indian sidekick's inert body in the light of the campfire as the night air filled with kemosobbing.

Oh, sorry...

Would you mind standing to the side a little, you're holding your sway over me.

Tragdey, just tragedy...

After mourning all afternoon, there were a lot of dazed knights that evening.

Keep them dogies movin'!!

No, Jacky, you mean rancher, or cowboy. A catalyst is something else.

So where d'ya hail from, there....euh...guy....?

Frankencisco.

What's wrong with your eyes?

He found it difficult to picture her without compression artefacts.

Lamborguini anyone?

Aldo knew he'd been boiling too fast, and now the Pasta Police were after him. "Can I see some al dente please," demanded the officer.

Keep it in mind...

Everything you desire may be used against you.

Hey, he's leavin' the ground...!

If you're imaginary and you know it flap your arms.

Man's best friend...

"Elseward, Chucklepuppy!" declared Hurwitz as he raised his gimlet in a toast.

Putting the loo in kopi luwak...

Ultimately, Daniel replaced the bean hopper on his Gaggia with a cage full of live weasels.

Nasty scrape there, James...

007 had stumbled in the garden during his cigarette break, so they ended up having a mint spy for dessert.

Always wondered what was in there...

Just before he pulled the trigger, he cracked open his Dinky Bird and drank it.

The colors are amazing...!

Diaper rash sunset.

Born around 1250 it seems...

Oh, I carbon dated her for a while, but finally decided she was too old for me.

You gonna finish those noodles...?

"What happened to the last Eozapus setchuanus?"

"An owl ate her. You hungry again?

Oh well, scratch that idea...

"Itch please!" cried Samson when his mosquito bite started flaring up again.

Man up, man...

No, Ferdinand's dealer informed him, he could not sell him a "child's portion".

Don't get around much, does he...?

Few noticed that Alphonse had been replaced by his mean value.

Bravo...er...never mind....

Ashamed, and proud of it.

Somebody gonna get whacked...

"Cabbage, please!" cried the chef, when the vegetable suggested he add pine nuts to the coleslaw.

Nosferatu

Nosferatu, won't you come in from the trenches?
You been out bitin' wenches, for so long now
You're a hard one, I know that you like your bleedin's
Those things that are feedin' you can hurt you somehow

That was a close shave!

Fork over the wallet, chump, this is a fund razor.

Here, hold this.

For their anniversary, Bertie got Mathilde a silver-plated grudge holder.

Well then how in the world do you....?

The Thrungians laughed out loud when they learned humans had not yet discovered gilmicofilburation.

Is that blood on his smock?

The chef himself came out next, proudly displaying the charred animal he'd just hacked to pieces on a colorful terra-cotta platter.

Word salad?

A delicious mélée of Indo-European roots and vegetables.

Call me when dinner's ready...

You're not alone anymore. Chump.

When will it end?

Reuters - Worldwide sushi boycott enters third mindwarp.

Maybe try earplugs...

Martha swore she could hear the bacteria screaming as they died within her.

Tuber or not tuber...

CelebNews - New York socialite Neuralgia von Tippelwasser surprised in tryst with common root vegetable.

Make it happen!!

Jeremiah grabbed a bottle of Windex and set out looking for a window of opportunity.

I can't stop yawning...!

Could your life be too interesting? Step up to Bordacel™ events and situations.

Should that be on fire like that?

Reuters - Boeing completes battery of tests in tests of batteries.

Want your change back in pixels or letters?

MarketNews - Picture reaches all time low of 373.2 words.

Well, whaddaya think now?

Before you criticize someone, walk a dog in their shoes.

How we gonna get across this damn thing?

The fascination afforded by a view of the Grand Canyon goes back to meander thrall times.

Line me up anudder one dem...

The Anklebracelet: One part beef bouillon; one part paint thinner; 1 tsp lime juice; sliver of fresh ginger.

Wonder how he did that....?

Very lovely, but I said I needed to tune a piano, not a tuna piano.

Afterwards you can walk in their shoes if you want...

Before you criticize someone, slap 'em around a bit to make sure they're not going to fight back.

Tough luck, chump, I wa'n't on your list.

Reuters - New legislation requires citizens to explicitly identify and inform all who are not authorized to commit crimes against them.

Oh now I wasn't aware of that...

Reuters - Inanimate objects plan major strike to demand consciousness.

Join the LockedOut Bulwark. That's an order!!

37022 people formally excluded you from their inner circles this week. Joined LockedOut Bulwark and show the world you know how to snub too!

How have you bean?

Frijoless (adj): possessing or containing no beans

Duck!!

For who knows what the butcher may fling?

A good egg, wot.

Egbert was part of a patrician line. There were no omlets in his family tree.

Come to your senses, man!

OddFacts - The song "Days Per Auto", popularized by Eagles and others, was originally written by Henry Ford, inventor of the assembly line.

Fries with that?

With Ummagumma's patented new integrated forensic speleology manifold, enjoy döner kebab the size of Wayne Newton in total asynchrony!!

What's that ringing sound...?

Truth (n): the least useful interpretation of any event or situation

Boo-hoo!

She was so cold-hearted she made men weep. They called her Miss Cry-o-genic.

Say again? Pepperoni and what?

A skeet-launcher delivered freshly baked pizzas frisby-like across the chasm separating the settlement from civilization.

Just to dress things up a bit...

Hendrik proposed putting curtains around the door, but Winifred preferred to skirt the issue.

Whatever floats your boat...

"Excuse me," inquired the peacock as he eased his oversized dessert wedge into the wading pool, "but is this flan bouyant?"

Don't try to trig me...

Circle-cell anomia is often fetal but has no external sines or cosines.

Egad what is that thing?!

SciTechNews - Transgenic musician gives birth to melon/collie baby.

Aint that something!

I've done nothing today, but it's nothing to be proud of!

Takes a bit of the sting out of it...

Before you criticize someone, chalk a smile on their shoes.

Let's have a look at those mouth parts...

Heidegger's nephew claimed to be able to digest cellulose.

Sure knows his way around...

We'd have gotten lost in the little back streets of Venice without our alligator.

Quick, get a coathanger!

Died of a hartichoke.