Keep out of direct moonlight, dry clean only.

Wear Wolves of London™ fine outer garments.

Achoo-choo!

Gesundheitbahn (n): a sneeze train

Zola mellows out....

J'accuzzi!

Nu?

Reuters - Nuclear ban becomes unclear as UN reverses itself.

Order in the court!

Breaking the second law of thermodynamics is organized crime.

Other side, mate!

Two wrongs walk into a bar, make a left, and end up in the lady's room.

Fud for thought?

I don't mean to be rood
But if it's red
Why call it blood?

A self propelling sophistry....?

Harriet was not amused when Wilfred told her she had no sense of humor.

Well?

The Labrador stared at me impatiently. "Which part of 'woof woof woof woof!' did you not understand?" he demanded finally.

He didn't notice that the lights had changed...

The night air fills with the murmurs of damaged reindeer as Santa claws his way out of a miasma of sleigh wreckage and undelivered presents.

It's all Greek to me...

Which part of "Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres" did you not understand?

They never disappoint.

Try WadEver™ brand cotton balls.

Sharpen your wits!

Life on the cutting edge can get dull after a while.

Who to call?

God loves you. In fact, he's stalking you.

Coffee's ready!

"Jane, Cheetah, come on, get up, it's a jungle out there!"

Oh well...

He put a gun to my head and made me laugh. So he shot me.

Jesus what a stupid idea...

Wait a minute, you want *me* to die for *your* sins, *that's* your idea?

Better re-check your agenda...

Finally it dawned on Winchell that he had just slept through the wrong meeting.

Not fast enough!

"Duck!" cried Simpson, but Wendell got plastered by the errant mallard anyway.

Alright, quit layin' about...

I tried to comforter, but she claimed I was trying to make her feel quilty.

Wasn't going to get away that easy...

"My god it's no use!" cried Winchell, waving his useless scissors in the air, "these apron strings are made out of Kevlar!!"

What a nuisance...

Have you got those scissors, I think our destinies have gotten linked again.

Here, take this banana peel...

Why don't you go slip in the bathroom while I fix myself a drink?

Oh bitch, you wary?

Died of a one-shot goon to the head.

And he never really recovered...

Pi was barely more than 3 when he began acting irrationally.

Number Police

"Yeah, headquarters, we got a guy here called Pi, acting irrationally."

Better do as he says...

"On your knees!" thundered the Kulfiwallah, brandishing a vanilla bean.

Try it!!

Place a finger in each ear & press hard until you can feel them touching. You should now be able to do the Donut-Head with all of your might.

Just about sums it up...

"Go forth and divide!" said God to the amoebae.

Aim a little higher this time....

Jeff ignored the bulletins they sent him, so they decided to see if they could bulletin his brain directly.

Time to start callin' a pate a pate...

Jasper wore his baldness as a WYSIWYG.

Yawn...

The view from the craggy outlook Ronald had discovered turned out to be so boring that he named it High Fella's Leap.

Ow!

You could tell Ringwald knew the score. His feed hand was covered with bitemarks.

Ya gotta stick to it...

If walking softly doesn't work, try harder.

Future postponed...

FabricOfExistenceNews - Reality goes on strike for better conditions.

Well Julie's not wearing one...

Two year old Ignatz considered he was getting a bum wrap when his mother made him wear Pampers at the beach.

Maybe tomorrow...

They circled each other for so long they both got dizzy and decided to just go home and take a nap.

OK now lift the other foot too...

TechTip: Having trouble connecting? Try holding your phone in a more uncomfortable position.

Wha...?

Make yourself a drink while I go slip into oblivion.

Ye-ha!

Jack's bison hat had a buffalo bill.

Let's do that again!

Reuters - Planet undergoes orbasm while circling sun, causing Earth to move for millions worldwide.

And drippers shall ab-stain!

All who preferred regular grapes were instructed to say "aye". Needless to say, it was seedless to nay.

She didn't understand the gravity of the situation...

Susan placed a small neutron star in each crabcake to help them keep their form while cooking.

Hark the sacred mudfish screaming (full version)

Hark the sacred mudfish screaming
Chlorox smoothies, war-torn Spring
Piston's worth of eggplant stardom
Garbled whispers, muskrats riled
Painful, all ye bunyons burning
Annoint tootsies darkly turning
Pull your up socks up, suck your tum
Fight with whores for bubblegum
Grapes to grapefruits, Dimple Dumb
Regular sawdust, farfetched fun

The one they call...

When Dances With Wolves began to get up in years, the locals changed his name to Genuflects With Difficulty.

And that small one there, the one with only one eye, we call him Runs With Scissors.

Quick, get him into the jar...

Reuters - International team of anthropologists discover person with normal personality in Sumatran rainforest.

This phone...

It's unbelievable the things this phone will do for you.
All you gotta do is have this phone in your vicinity and it's like....wow!
You gotta get this phone, man. It's made outta chocolate! Amazing!
This phone got a microwave oven. You stick your *mind* in there and, wow hold on!
This phone is better than LSD.
This phone says gesundheit *before* you sneeze!
Ima mainline this phone.
This phone is your best friend, your mama, your girlfriend, all the pizza in the world, and a psychedelic shotgun all rolled into one.
Tom Waits has this phone.
It's unbelievable the things this phone will do for you, man. Just buy it and STFU.

Hand me that eraser...

I guess we'll just have to chalk it up to the gradual accumulation of minute calcite coccoliths.

Bravo, Marty!

Well I declare, looks like Marty's gone and outlived his uselessness!

And then Simifultz says to Porlington....

Benjamin's TwitTheater project never really got off the ground because it's devilishly hard to write a play with 140 characters.

That'll teach 'im....

You wanna make your parents orphans, Jacky, just keep talkin' like that.

G'won, man up!

To chutz, or chutzpah, that is la question.

Goin' where the weather suits my talents....

Norbert had decided to move to Florida, where he hoped to find work reading palms.

That's a good bear....

And what does a polite bear do after he's got something to eat? Does he share a bit in the woods?

Hold it right there!

The commissariat building had a large police frieze above the main entryway.

I has spoken.

You can't know something's impossible until you fail to do it - Bullwinkle

To fold, or not to fold...

Use Mortal Coil™ Playing Cards. There's eternity in every shuffle.

Naught to be done about it...

I always feel dafter after laughter.

George? What is that....?!

Santa Claus. Tentacles. Coincidence?

Just chalk it up to...

Couldn't carelessness.

Hey, ow! What's the idea?!

Step three: sock puppet in nose.

Fair enough...

Two-give me, Father, for I half-sinned.

Readerschnitzel.

Rip pages carefully from spine. Coat both sides w/beaten egg, flip once on breadcrumb plate. Deep fry till golden, place on absorbent paper.

Now let's do some sums!!

"Math is fun!" cried the Number Clown.

Curly, is that you?

Nyuk-nyuk-nyukin' on heaven's door.

G'head, take another shot...

Ringwald had risen to a certain level of authority in the company simply because each time he tried to shoot himself in the foot, he missed.

But no ice please...

We who are about to sigh dilute you.

Oops, another one got away...

In his later years, the Lone Ranger was fond of crying, "Hi-ho silverfish!" as he turned on the bathroom light.

Uh, could you move over just a little...?

When Jeremy walked in it was a total eclipse of the fun.

Mine has shuffle damage...

Looking for a replacement mortal coil for a 1953 model white male.

The wonders of nature...

If it’s a legitimate homicide, the human body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down and prevent death.

Hardy har.

"Well what'd'ya hafta get so scared for?" whined the hallucination, "I'm not even real, ya know."

Uh, we dead now?

The light at the end of the quantum tunnel both was and was not an oncoming train.

Never mind...

Well, he's not very tenacious, but he gives good up.

They got a bang out of it...

Two sub-critical masses of uranium walk into a bar.

No leggies?

"OK listen up, suckers!" barked the octopus as he addressed his armies.

Boo!

I found my niche the other day, hiding behind a filing cabinet under the basement stairs!

Any Latin lovers out there?

I am exactly what I need to be. Well, mutatis mutandis.

Enough already...

Why is our universe so exhaustingly tuned to create the conditions necessary for life?

My Word!

Richard got worried when people at the office started calling him "Microsoft" after his date with Eileen.

Estimated time: 15 minutes.

Don't care? Take our #survey to help understand why.

He did seem a bit fuzzy...

Ginger was beginning to suspect her "boyfriend" might actually be a compression artifact.

Uh-oh...

An inescapable realization ploughed through Benicio's consciousness like a think tank.

Touchy guy!

Ricardo pointed the hairdryer at the jack-o-lantern's head and threatened to blow its candle out if it didn't stop grinning at him like that.

Elephant's Gerald?

Mama, just killed a man / Wrapped my trunk around his head / Shook him lifeless, now he's dead

Unformation....

Halloran gave us his phone number, then explained why that had to be his phone number and how it couldn't be any other way.

We're not just here for fun and games...

Marjory had the baby sitter prepare a 5 minute powerpoint for when she got home, outlining the goals of the evening & how they had been met.

Bad day?

"Because I want to be thrown away," he replied simply, "that is why I'm standing in this garbage can."

Aww, he's starting to fit in....

That winter, Crumple learned that the Hugtops had nicknamed him "Gargles With Neutrons".

I can't change the laws of physics, Jim!!

Former human seeks long term relationship with abstract concept. Laws of physics need not apply.

A wee drop goes a long way...

Ogilvie's Patented Leprechaun Syrup.

A personal best...

And just when I thought I couldn't possibly get any more depressed, I found a way to dig deeper and go beyond my limitations.

Pet peeve?

Three schnauzers bark into a wall. First one says, "Sure we haven't got this backwards?"

Conceited bastard...

You're not the only one who can prevent forest fires, hotshot

Oh my god, it's...

John....John, this is no flash mob!!

Kids nowadays...!

"What do you think would happen if nobody ever did their algebra homework? Do the math!"

Just for a little longer...?

Wicked Bee Heroes.

G'won, git up!

If you need to be comfortable to sleep, you're not really tired.

Take me out to the ball game...

Above the spectators' heads, flocks of baseball bats chased flies through the floodlights over the bleachers.

Well that's that then...

God's peed.