Denby Wire and Iron Company

At a fashion store one day, in a mall in th'middle o'nowhere
I met up with a hostess, she was chewin' out the staff
Then we took turns tryin' on our chosen garments in the change room
'Til we bumped into each other, and we began to laugh

She said, "Honey, I made a life o' bein' the one they all have eyes on
At soirées full of VIPs, no matter what the price
And if you don't mind my sayin', looks like there's one on your horizon
So if you'll buy me a cappuccino, I'll give you some advice."

Well I took her to the Starbucks and I gave the barista five bucks
As she tidied up her lipstick, and asked me how it looked
Then a hush came o'er the mall as she kinked up a well-plucked eyebrow
'N said, "If you wanna play the game, dear, you have to play it by the book

You have to know when to jive 'em, know when to high five 'em
Know when to walk the walk and know when to joke
You never count the silverware while your guests are at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when they go to grab their coats

Now every hostess knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to RSVP and knowing when to snob
'Cause every party's an orgy and every party's a fun'ral
And the hallmark of success is not to wake up next to some slob."

Then when she'd finished speakin', pushed back her chair and stood up
Fiddled with her shopping bags and dis'ppeared in the crowd
And as I watched her fade away, I knew I'd come to one conclusion,
There's no way I'd want someone like that in my house, cryin' out loud

You have to know when to jive 'em, know when to high five 'em
Know when to walk the walk and know when to joke
You never count the silverware while your guests are at the table
There'll be time enough for countin' when they go to grab their coats

Jack? Jack what are you doing?!

I once sliced a date down the middle and found a live caterpillar inside. The poor girl was mortified!

Jailhouse rocks!!

Vincent had spent the better part of his life behind bars, and could whip up a pina colada to knock your socks off in thirty seconds flat.

He's just a bit rusty, is all...

"Go, iron!" cried the metallurgist.

Lunge for your wives!!

A horrific creature with the swindling carapace of a Mont Blanc Meisterstück and the digestive tube of an armadillo.

Jerry? Jerry?!

The part of me that wanted to go to bed, went to bed.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Killer (with apologies to Kenny Rogers)

On a warm summer's evenin' on a highway bound for nowhere
I ran into a killer, we were both too drunk to see
So we took turns a starin' at our junkheaps in the darkness
'Til our bladders overtook us and we both turned to pee

The man said, "I just took my wife out for gettin' in people's faces
Pokin' in their business and gen'rally bein' a drag
Now if you don't mind my sayin', you're peein' on yore shoelaces
But for a taste of that there whiskey, I'll let you use this rag."

Well I handed him the bottle and he bolted down a swallow
Was he reachin' for a cigarette? Something glinted in the light.
Then he held up a revolver, you should'a seen my expression.
When he said, "If you're gon' play the game, ya gotta play it right.

You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.

Now ev'ry killer knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to aim it high and when to aim more deep.
For ev'ry woman's a sinner and ev'ry man's a loser,
And the best that they can hope for is to buy it in their sleep."

Well he fin'lly finished singin' and turned back towards his jalopy,
Turned on the radio and slipped out of his boots.
But right there in the darkness, that killer got unlucky.
'Cause with all that he'd just larned me that was a gun that I could shoot.

You got to know how to hold it, know how to reload it,
Know when to fire away and know when to chill.
You never count your bullets when you're firin' at a target
There'll be time enough for countin' after you made your kill.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Barely noticeable...

At age 21, Wilcox had a stroke of genius, causing him to walk with a slight swagger for the rest of his life.

The experience was just off scale!

Have just finished shaving with a manta ray dipped in liquid nitrogen.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Best medecine maybe, but beware of dependency!

Doc thought I'd improved enough to take me off laughter. I'm just on a maintenance level chuckle right now.

A tale of Dale...

"I don't know how this works out," confessed Dale, "a DNA molecule like mine has never been tested before."

For this is the way of things, froglet...

Poco had never lived in a house before, and the first time we came to check on him, we found him walking on the ceiling.

How ya doin', punkin'?

DigitalNews - Computer scientists develop new bit-slice architecture to mince pi to unprecedented accuracy.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Kinda fills ya up inside knowing...

By the time Frank left the restaurant, he was convinced of the intrinsic goodness of the hunan rice.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Later, he leveraged that into the print empire...

On this day in 1455, Johannes Gutenberg was awarded a patent on the ink lined plane, with all mechanical advantages thereunto appertaining.

Cold wave passin' thru...

Winter ughs its rearly head.

Pope-a-Dope?

Did the Earth move for you? - Galileo

Friday, October 26, 2012

Start Climbin'!

When I finally hit bottom I looked around me and damned if it wasn't gonna be turtles all the way back up too.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

So there!

We come into the world alone, and we leave the world alone. It's the part in between that sucks.

Better see a doctor about that...

Because of his drinking problem, Hank frequently got punch in his nose.

We have liftoff...

...three, two, one, cognition....liftoff!

Cognition temperature...

Caution: exceeding brain's cognition temperature may lead to flaming.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Whisker

Un tas, un talon, un rebiquement sur l'horizon, une souche.
Ce poil, ce bout de cil, ce pixel pointant dans le gris.
Un jour ci, un jour là. Toujours là.
Je ne l'ai jamais vu bouger.
Je ne l'ai jamais vu.
Ce n'était rien.
Puis un jour ça n'y était plus.
Et j'ai compris que j'étais seul.

Bertrand Russell vs the Slave Army

It's Spartacus all the way down.

Hi ho silber!!

Don't cry for me Srebrenica.

Go ahead, show me a good time!

One nice thing about insanity is you don't have to keep thinking up stuff to do.

That the plural?

"I have spoken!" declared the bicycle wheel roundly.

Hideous things....

I've nothing against bean sprouts per se, I just find them...embarrassing.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Never happened!

Reuters - History repeals itself.

Put up your dukes!

"I'm not afraid of you," declared the octopus to the starfish, "you're not even-armed!"

Monday, October 22, 2012

That's strange....

The edges seemed oddly even.

Wait, I thought he was Italian...?

Et purée, c'est mauvais! - Galiléo

You're not half the man I was!

"Get a half-life!" taunted the radioactive isotope.

Other than that it was a great idea.

Unfortunately, for Robin's idea to work, the two packages would have to contain each other.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The shot heard 'round the block...

Fritz had hoped to time his fart with the slamming of the car door. He was off by half a second.

Really?

The high-speed aircraft bit is one of the finest hole-cutting instruments in all of boredom.

Why can't they keep me posted about such things?

"Oh," exclaimed the surprised adversary on seeing Gallahad's chain-link tunic, "you've got mail!"

Hey, what's that weird glow over there?!

There's a bright golden haze on the meadow/The corn's as imperiled as an Ella Fitzgerald/An' it looks like its barreled clear up to the sky

Friday, October 19, 2012

That aint runnin' (with apologies to Dire Straits)

I want my ESPN

Now look at them yo-yo's, that's no way to do it
With fancy runnin' shorts and trademark T's
That ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Can't get a workout for nothin', gotta lift your knees

That ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Hoppin' 'round like that just ain't for real
Maybe get a blister on your little toenail
Maybe get a blister on your heel

I just destroyed my microwave oven
Smoked the kitchen up could hardly see
Gatorade's in the refrigerator
Think I'll go watch TV

(See the little faggot in compression shorts and hoodie
Why the coverup, he's got no hair?
That little faggot buys out bankrupt corporations
That little faggot he’s a millionaire)

I just destroyed my microwave oven
Smoked the kitchen up could hardly see
Gatorade's in the refrigerator
Think I'll go watch TV

I shoulda learned to play the money market
I shoulda learned to sell subprimes
Look at that Baby Jogger with the 100 dollar haircut!
Man, I could use some o' that sometimes

And that one there, what's that? Hawaiian punch?
A hydro-pack like Captain Galaxy!
Oh, that ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Can't get a workout for nothin', gotta lift your knees

I just destroyed my microwave oven
Smoked the kitchen up could hardly see
Gatorade's in the refrigerator
Think I'll go watch TV

Look a' here
Now look at them yo-yo's, that's no way to do it
With fancy runnin' shorts and trademark T's
That ain't runnin', that's no way to do it
Can't get a workout for nothin', gotta lift your knees

Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees
Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees

Look at that, look at that

Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees

I want my, I want my, I want my ESPN

Workout for nothin' gotta lift your knees

Here, try 'em on...

TechNews - Research group at MIT develops Terahertz-sensitive goggles that make everyone look silly.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Talk about gerrymandering....

The world is divided into two classes. Unfortunately the boundary between them is a fractal, so it's kind of hard to describe.

"Hey," demanded Mandelbrot as he surveyed the fractal boundary, "who's side are you on?"