Sunday, October 7, 2012
Severe tire damage, anyone?
When the waters receded, Noah saw he'd now have to do something about
all the fish left high and dry, and thus was the carp ark invented.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Greetings from Chairman Mitt, in descending ordure...
"Hey, have a great day!"
"Go out and make it a great day!"
"Give it no other option than to be an absolutely fantastic day!"
"Chase it down, corner it, and keep hammerin' on it 'til it's the best friggin' day that ever was!"
"If that doesn't work, grab some other poor schmuck's day that looks promising and declare it yours!"
"Now get out and make it an even better day!"
"Seek guarantees that your day will better than anyone else's day can possibly be!"
"Go out and devalue everyone else's day!"
"Then buy up other people's days for peanuts and stack 'em into one big super duper day!"
"Go out and make it a great day!"
"Give it no other option than to be an absolutely fantastic day!"
"Chase it down, corner it, and keep hammerin' on it 'til it's the best friggin' day that ever was!"
"If that doesn't work, grab some other poor schmuck's day that looks promising and declare it yours!"
"Now get out and make it an even better day!"
"Seek guarantees that your day will better than anyone else's day can possibly be!"
"Go out and devalue everyone else's day!"
"Then buy up other people's days for peanuts and stack 'em into one big super duper day!"
I turned around from the stove and they were gone!
Investigators finally found Betty's eggwhites in a back alley where they'd been beaten and left for dead.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Took too long to type 'em in before...
Reuters - US Supreme Court rules phone keypads must include irrational numbers by 2018.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Go easy on it, I don't want to have to call a spin doctor.
I'll have the big bounce cosmology with torsion, please.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Ethanol (apologies to Lou Reed)
I don't know just where I'm going
But I'm goin' to try for the couch if I can
'Cause it's the closest thing on hand
When I get my alky in my veins
Then I tell you things aren't quite the same
When I'm vomiting on rum
And I feel just like a total bum
And I guess I just fell on the flo'
But I guess that I just don't know
Didn't need no big decision
To try to alcoholize my life
'Cause when the booze begins to flow
And I tip back the bottle's neck
I could blowtorch with my breath
Can you help me here you guys?
Or you sweet girls come 'round to gawk?
Can you help me get up and walk?
'Cause I guess I fell on the flo'
But I guess I just don't know
I know that I got bored a thousand beers ago
I wanna go sail down the darkened streets
In my great big SUV
Going from this bar here to that
I put on a jackass' suit and cap
Into the big city
Where a man can be free
Of all the content in this brain
And of his family and his friends
Oh, and I guess I need a smoke
Oh, but I guess the lighter's broke
Ethanol, smell the breath on me
Ethanol, I had a wife and I had a life
Because a sixpack in my gut
Makes my bladder feel like lead
And then I better get to the head
When the booze begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore
About all the Slim-Jims I chowed down
And everybody standin' while I'm on the ground
And all of the bartenders makin' crazy sounds
All the dead bottles piled up in mounds, yeah
Wow, that alky is in my blood
All the good it does my head
Yeah, I think God, I'm still not dead?
Ooohhh, I think God am I still here?
And I think God he prolly don't care
And again I'm on the flo'?
But I guess I just don't know
But I'm goin' to try for the couch if I can
'Cause it's the closest thing on hand
When I get my alky in my veins
Then I tell you things aren't quite the same
When I'm vomiting on rum
And I feel just like a total bum
And I guess I just fell on the flo'
But I guess that I just don't know
Didn't need no big decision
To try to alcoholize my life
'Cause when the booze begins to flow
And I tip back the bottle's neck
I could blowtorch with my breath
Can you help me here you guys?
Or you sweet girls come 'round to gawk?
Can you help me get up and walk?
'Cause I guess I fell on the flo'
But I guess I just don't know
I know that I got bored a thousand beers ago
I wanna go sail down the darkened streets
In my great big SUV
Going from this bar here to that
I put on a jackass' suit and cap
Into the big city
Where a man can be free
Of all the content in this brain
And of his family and his friends
Oh, and I guess I need a smoke
Oh, but I guess the lighter's broke
Ethanol, smell the breath on me
Ethanol, I had a wife and I had a life
Because a sixpack in my gut
Makes my bladder feel like lead
And then I better get to the head
When the booze begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore
About all the Slim-Jims I chowed down
And everybody standin' while I'm on the ground
And all of the bartenders makin' crazy sounds
All the dead bottles piled up in mounds, yeah
Wow, that alky is in my blood
All the good it does my head
Yeah, I think God, I'm still not dead?
Ooohhh, I think God am I still here?
And I think God he prolly don't care
And again I'm on the flo'?
But I guess I just don't know
I imagined doing great things today...
In early societies, there was ritual virility. Today, we have virtual reality.
Who wants to go dancin'?!
She was well up in her years but always rarin' to go. They called her "Enthuselah".
Friday, September 28, 2012
Ah well that's alright then...
Thought my last tweet had gone viral, but turned out to be bacterial, and could be treated with antipsychotics.
Yeah but is it 3.1 or 3.2?
A little reflectorized sticker on the side of his forehead said "Anger Inside."
That a chimp or a chump?
The Internet addict finally decided to go to rehab when he realized he had a bum key on his Mac.
Whew, that's a load off my mind...
Lone Ranger use up all his heavy silver ammunition. Trigger happy!
They said it couldn't be done!
Exporcauralserisaculofaction (n): the act of making a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
We'll make millions!!
What this world needs is a controlled substance that isn't dangerous for your health.
Hmm, wonder if the back door is locked...
"But it's dangerous out here!" cried the inmate as he was led out the front door. "Nobody promised you a guard, Rosen," replied the warden.
Holding steady at 843,000....
The nice thing about being ranked last is you can never fall in the ratings.
You givin' me the bird?!
Reuters - Isolated Pacific island fishing community uses cormorants as birth control device.
And gradually he faded away...
Joel's selfishness ultimately left him unfit to live in society, and at the age of 41 he was sent to finish out his days in a gimme shelter.
Git on the stick, kiddo!
Tommy wasn't sure he understood everything his counselor had said, but was pleased to know his personal development was like a stag mating.
*That's* Aunt Linda??!!
It was not until he had his genome sequenced that James learned his family tree had bark beetles.
Coming soon: expanded rap version!
Get y'se'f together boy, da blues aint green! /Because a towel on the rack means "I will reuse" /A towel on the floor means "please replace"
More shishka, Bob?
Gerard felt like red meat for lunch, but ended up with a hunka hunka burnin' love.
Cruel, cruel Riley...
Riley denied the flies access to his pumpkin pie by covering it with a napkin, then proceeded to laugh out loud at their désarroi.
If anything can go wrong, it did.
There are thought to be 10 to the 500 universes. Just our luck to live in the one that has Murphy's law.
Chain gang tales #347
As a further humiliation, the convicts were required to hand their last cigarette over to the boss when they reached the end of the pack.
Subject to the Yubrekkit/Yubottit Criterion...
Our no-touch policy is implemented according to the provisions of the Hansen-Yerpokitz Accord.
Why, yes, I think we could come to an arrangement...
I know they probably don't have free WiFi in Hell, but can you pay for it?
No no, turn it around...
The mouseian distribution differs from the gaussian principally in its asymmetric tail.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Rarefied atmoshpere, no?
When she told me to meet her for a drink at the Machu Picchu Inn, I thought she was setting the bar rather high.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Fore!!
Helen congratulated Herbert for inventing the word "aftnication", but told him the answer was still "no".
Merci buckets and silver plate!
Uncle Howard always took a tiny wedge of foie-gras just to be polite, calling it his "goo sliver".
What's he think about Romney?
Reuters - International team discovers conscious plant in Madagascar rainforest.
But I haven't done anything wrong!
The large intergalactic reptile was nevertheless stunned when the crewmen set their phasers to "kill".
Put that in your geiger and count it!
"You ran plutonium?!" cried Arthur. "Plutôt uranium," Emil corrected.
Been ages since I've had any...
"What's the porcupine for?" asked Metzger. "Oh that'd have to be spare ribs," replied the game warden.
Try walkin' up to it slower...
David's lack of self esteem was so profound that even automatic doors failed to open for him.
Hommage to Phyllis Diller
Between meals he kept the cooking stick planted rakishly into his greasy locks, calling it his "fry twig".
I can't go on anymore!
Thomas held the little shrivelled fruit in his hand and cried out loud.
So many times he'd prayed for a raisin to live, and each time, this.
Steer clear o' that one...
A childhood bowling accident earned him the nickname "Shark-Infested Walter".
Shaken or stirred?
Dickslice, Electric Paper, and Uncle Terse walk into a bar. "Oddballs all around?" suggests the bartender.
That'll never work...
Duncan's idea for an angel-powered locomotive was dismissed as a self-propelling fantasy.
Yeah right...
A little blue-bordered white sticker on his forehead had "My other
personality is a really cool guy" printed on it in 24 point Arial.
Snore.....
There was too much traffic on the river tonight. Tying my tiny craft off to a tree branch I adjusted my spine along her keel and let awake rock me to sleep.
Aren't they darling!
The tiny bottlenose dolphins made excellent writing instruments once properly outfitted.
You might wanna go to a shrink...
Doctors finally determined that the cause of Ricardo's headaches was recoil on his scalp due to his hair growing too fast.
In regular, bipolar, and psychopath.
Make up for your deficiencies with Wigwam® Clip-On Personalities!
Shh! He's startin' to come around!
The anaesthesiologists at the clown hospital were fond of dressing up like angels during reanimation procedures.
Here he comes again...
Benjamin's habit of wearing baggy shorts and support hose earned him the sobriquet of The Knee Jerk.
Wait, I think I remember that bird...
Jack and Nancy got arrested for hiking without a clue in a bewilderness area.
It all tallies up in the end...
Although the evens all seemed to be in favor, the odds remained stacked against her.
Goodness that looks painful!
Johnathon enjoyed sleeping in the buff until the time he woke up at 3 am in the middle of a nudist cramp.
C'I have another hit?
It was good. It was so good that Muckles' spirit drew up into the air
like a cloud, and took off across the multiverse like Ricochet Rabbit.
A moment of inertia...
It would take the moral equivalent of a crowbar and an army of pancake flippers to get him up off that couch.
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