Better be careful....

Confucius say, man who walk naked in henhouse likely to get his circumspect.

Art lovers unite!

Harold was so impressed by all the titian tahitians in the exposition that he decided to Gauguin. #lqw

Getting the triangular point....

The triangular point on the toilet paper reminded him that even in the privacy of his water closet he was still not at home.

Green thumb my ass....

Certainly it's not rocket science to get arugula to grow in my garden?

I'd love to turn you on...

I had a dream today, bow wow/ About a lucky dog who made the grade/ And though the room was rather still/ Well, I just had to yaff. #lqw

A short discourse on cursive discursive

Al Capone's son Vinny upon returning to 5th grade after spending time in Leavenworth: "What's discursive evabuddy usin' now?

A man's got his priorities....

As his car hurtled toward the canyon floor, John regretted that his last tweet was likely to contain misspellings.

Phooey on your ratatouille!

Hilda's ratatouille was eggplant regnant 'til the day she lost her auberginity to a carrot.

Get some kleenex...

Rupert was so keyed-up about the neologism he'd thought of that he had a neologasm.

I aint carryin'....

Ari Agrarian became a riparian ferryman after marryin' a Hungarian librarian in Yerevan. Their daughter, Marion, was delivered by Caesarian.

On the bus back from Stanley Village...

Cycling the waistband of my swimtrunks through my fingertips like a rosary, trying to get it dry before it has to go into the suitcase.

A nod to Louis Jordan

Solipsis or solipsism dey an objective reality?

A nod to Pharoah Sanders

The creator has a backup plan / Brand new universe & leave out man.

A story of ages beneath our feet...

The palimpsest of wax buildup on Geraldine's parquet had been declared a National Cultural Heritage Site. #lqw

Married for life....

Though Hector was uxorious unto a thankless queen / His needle knew no stitching, his spoon conjured no cuisine.

Nobody got this one....

When Lyn saw Sam putting a cow in the wagon & asked him where he was going, she was not reassured when he replied, "The cat'll drive." #lqw

God Handbook Tip #325

Before creating a universe, ask yourself: Is it good? Is it beautiful? Is it necessary? Does it improve upon nothingness?

Always had style, Collins...

Hands on hips, Collins oozed across the minefield swankier than a fire-retardant gorilla.

Another day, another crustacean...

He curled his toes as he slid his pants legs on to clear out lobster dung from the previous day's festivities.

A loqwacious gem

After his midnight pancake snack, Sol slipped the syrup dishes surreptitiously into the dishwasher and went back to bed. #lqw

Woof!

In his dream, Fido's master would ask if he'd eaten, and he'd reply no and be brought another bowl. People tended to let sleeping dogs lie.

Inscrutable

"Why won't the damn thing turn anymore?!" cried Helen, dropping her wrench on the counter. Once cross-threaded, the nut became inscrutable.

Lady Macbeth decides to turn in for the night...

Out, dog Spot!

On fait la trêve?

Finally we got tired of the steady insults in English and German and decided to make friends charteuse language.

Anybody home?

So habituated was he to chaos that stretches of calm were almost frightening to him; he'd become zenophobic.

Free at last!

Pamela hugged the stack of coathangers to her chest and did a pirouette. She'd finally dislodged the caraway seed stuck between her teeth!

An ode to the tibia

Hail the tibia, what raiseth man from his knees, and bringeth him that much closer closer to God, amen.

Idea for a new Twitter game....

A prize is reserved for the bitten-off chocolate square most closely resembling the state of Minnesota.

When ya gotta ya gotta

Perceiving no compelling reason to act otherwise, the bug sat motionless on the wall for three entire days.

A little respect!

Benjie finish your chicken! It took God billions of years to evolve that!

There's no stopping progress....

No sooner had Mother Goose taken the technological leap of having a phone installed, than she wanted an anserine machine put in as well.

You savvy?

Rakaba bebi, inatritap/Wennawimblos akrediwirrak/ Wennababrex akrediwiffa/'N danakum bebi, credelinal.

Let's get this party started

Each imbecile was fitted with a backpack containing a watermelon and a kitten.

A spoonful of ethanol helps the technobabble go down...

The Editor-in-Chief deemed the paper had merit and forwarded it to three experts for beer review.

Settle down, girl...

Shirley, you're choking Mr. Feynman!!

Better increase his medication....

Irreality set in as Gunther slid into a subjunctive mood.

Happy Easter?

"We are all Gilligan's Islanders" - Richard P. Feynman

Fancy bread....

Tell me where is fancy bread, or in the heart or in the head? - Libby Dough Company official corporate motto

You saw it here first. Well, you saw it here.

Most art created remains largely unknown. The most popular art is not the best art. It follows that most of the world's best art is unknown.

300 baud nostalgia....

If U miss th'tweet I sent/U will know th'tube is bent/U can hear th'modem wail 300 Baud/300Bd300Bd300Bd300Bd/U can hear th'modem wail 300 Bd

Move over, Isaac!

If I have been unable to see as far as others, it's because the guy in front of me had a midget on his shoulders.

Clear?

Early diopters are often the lens through which new trends become recognized.

Let's try that again....

When given a new burden to bear, we must learn to carry it so that it does not chafe. Having said that, fuck everything.

What ho, physician?

Who aspires to Bhagawabbit requires a guide. Go then to the forests of Iberia, and seek the one they call El Merfudd.

Hippocrates redux

Velveeta breakfast, arse longer.

Somewhere, in a parallel universe....

Go ahead, punk, turn my frown upside down.

Caught red-handed....

"Susan," he said, as he removed his blood-streaked hands from the chimpanzee's open chest cavity, "I...I can explain."

Just this once....

John reckoned that since he'd be dead in the morning, he could get away with putting the dishes into the trash instead of the dishwasher.

Some Artwiculate gems....(despot)

Im a li'l despot short&stout/Here're my death squads heres my Swiss account/When th'folks get pissedoff I jus'shout/Overthrow me kick me out

Amidst the rubble of the former palace, Hendricks discovered a defiled corpse lying in a shallow grave. "This must be despot," he reflected.

Splat!

The words that flew so trippingly from his tongue landed with an ignominious splat on her eardrum.

New book cover!

When enough is enough, and enough is too much, it's the Ultimo Kartoffel! Now with a sexy new cover! The Ultimo Kartoffel, by Bruce Denby

Oh they just *had* to put a man on Mars...

After six months traipsing across the Red Planet with his head in a tin-can, Jenkins was ready for a bath, a bourbon, and a burger.

And thus was the bill de-feeted....

All favorable raise your hands. Opposable, your thumbs.

Honesty is the best policy...

Jerry shook the beagle awake when it began to purr and meow. He was not about to let a sleeping dog lie.

A road song....

Where have all the speedbumps gone? / Langsam fahren / Where have all the speedbumps gone? / Bott's dots to go.

Sting Covers....

I'm'a nail me one, an illegal alien, I'm a policeman in Arizona.

I'm an andouillette, I'm a stinky andouillette, I'm a saucisson of pure pork.

Here's the beef!

Hoping to impress girls with a new, beefier build, Norton had signed up for the Advanced Meat Recovery system.

So follow it already

Follow the hell out of the Yellow Brick Road.

True friends help each other out...

Rick decided that his supervisor would look better with a knife sticking out of his throat.

Household hint no. 436

When in doubt, suffer.

That's a good lad...

Realizing that it had just been crushed beyond recognition, the wasp obediently died.

Lest we forget...

Assonance is the final palimpsest of the leprechaun. - Winston Churchill

Happy Bastille Day!

A long zong fondle up a tree / Large urdu glower ate our oy vay!

Put that gun down...

He pointed his ethanol torch at the bug in his brain. It glowed like a meteor, but was never consumed.

And there I was again...

Malevolent ribosomes upend my suitcase. Assonance, corrupted, invades a space where slingshots fail to bond.

In short, the girl dies

You call the police, the girl dies/You talk to a dog pissing on a lamppost, the girl dies/You mix up anaphora and epistrophe, the girl dies.

Is the Pope toilet trained?

In the Schroedinger scat experiment, the bear both does and does not shit in the woods.

Damning with faint praise...

Too clever by a third.

Can I get a quantum of solace?

I'm all for the Many Worlds Interpretation, but why do I always get the shag end of the bifurcation?

Eggman, anyone?

Carborundum handshake, mutilated muskrat, boy you been a knotty pine, you bet your uncle's bum.

Calling any vegetable....

It took us forever to find a taxi. They have really lousy cabbage there.

Some Artwiculate detritus...

After 15 minutes, Peggy set down the whisk and conceded that her mayonnaise was indomitable.

The Daily Seismograph is a supplement to the Telegraph containing all the most earthshaking news.

Pickles with that?

Two-give me, Father, for I half-sinned.

And lo, man made God in his own image....

And then God created light upon the earth, to rule over day and night and to separate light from darkness, and God said, "So there's that."

That magic moment....

Honey, wake up, the plane's about to crash.

Come over where it swarm...

Why insects never became intelligent: "Well on the one hand....and on the other hand....and on the other hand....and on the other hand....."

TechNews - UK researchers report primitive tube worms seek sources of heat, evidence for 'tswarm intelligence.

We'd like to see more of thee, Dorothy

For he who findeth not happiness, his own backyard therein, also shall the Lord deem never to have lost it at all, amen.

Westward throw!

Alea jacta ouest.

Bcc: Be carbon conscious!!

Fact: You can reduce your carbon footprint up to 15% by avoiding cc:'s in your emails.

And a-one and a-two and-a

Wake up wake up you living dead!/ Get up get up get outta bed!

Effete appetit!

Biomass is the tarte tatin of the existentialist.

Man O'Manitoba

Useless information clogs my brain like tar-sand in some far-flung Canadian province.

Linearity with a twist

Straight things are just spirals with a tiny little pitch.

Dixie melody No. 2347

Document your base pairs with a Dixie melody/ If Señor Wences is in your sequences, admit that sex is risky.

Big eater that Jonathan...

Jonathan ate mechanically, in a series of measured forklifts.

Another Greensleeves cover

Aghast, my love, youtube is wrong, the cat's meow is this skirt, you see/ For I have troubled you so long, reclining on your canape.

News from the street

It's not the street, it's the stupidity.

Dixie melodies are back!

Silver plate your corn flakes with a Dixie melody/ When they shine, fish out nine, and float them on your whiskey.

Murdelize your brainstem with a Dixie melody/ Once it's died, swallow your pride, admit you've just turned sixty.

Great news?

At first I worried I was getting stupider with age. Then I realized I was just getting better at realizing how stupid I am.

Two great virtues for the price of one

Frances admired her spotless floor, and realized she had at last become adept at juggling the responsibilities of motherhood and apple pie.

You sure about that?

If you can't find life on Mars in your own back yard, maybe the spark plug on your lawnmower needs replacing - Werner Heisenberg

Does Death use her tongue when she kisses?

Death just gave me a little peck on the cheek. I tried to push her away but she came back and tried to get her tongue in this time. I folded my arms and glared at her savagely. She said she'd like to see more of me. Then I reminded her what happened when she said that to Agent Smith. Touché!

Bring your own Bruce

Brew swill us.

Alexander the Grateful?

In a parallel universe, an ornate tomb is inscribed "Philip of Macedon, aged 95". A small headstone beside it reads "Al the Banal, son".

Coming soon to an airlock near you...

Inverted by the low pressure, the gerbils resembled street-corner organ traffickers with their wares pinned to the linings of red overcoats.

Elk lips sink ships

Bucatini with elk lips, pine nuts, artichoke hearts, crème fraîche, chopped parsley.

God grant me...

God grant me the swordfish that ate Minneapolis, the unguentine to remain supercilious, and a didgeridoo for impromptu lawn parties.

Spooky

In the cool of the evening when all the world is givin' me the finger
I turn off all the apps and my feelings of self doubt begin to linger
First I say oh, you just been down on your luck
And then I cry, and scream - oh fuck!
Keepin' sane's not easy with a spooky little brain like you.

Turn on tune in drop out

Another message on the cusp of consciousness this morning:

"Blind yourself to dream uninhindered."

In other words, do not let reality stand in the way of your dreams.

What neologism do you need to make margaritas?

Abadalatakila

Google it. I believe I invented the word.